Need Advice About Elderly Parents

Not sure you can talk them out of how they spend their money so unless they ask you, forget that. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't pay for the plane tickets either. I've gone through the "museum quality old furniture". Here is my experience. It was in horrible shape and I didn't have the money to fix it or the space to put it PLUS it wasn't even my taste. What I did do was to save my 2 favorite pieces and made them "mine" by the way I painted and recovered them. The rest went to an antiques dealer. It was more than I could have gotten for them and they were out of the garage. It was a really hard decision. My Dad loved that furniture but I am happy with my decision. No regrets.

I guess my first question is would you and your sister be willing to sit down with your parents together and talk about planning for the future. Yes, it is their money, and yes, as long as they aren't incompetent to handle their affairs (and foolishly spending money would not be considered "incompetent" by the courts), they are free to do what they like.

What bothers me is the statement "she will be their nursing home if it is needed." That isn't even a realistic statement. Your parents cannot possibly predict the level of care they will need in the future. You already mentioned that your father's health is somewhat frail. I can share what happened with my folks (who kind of sound like yours). Like you, we grew up poor. My mom remarried when I was in my 20s to a man I call dad and all of a sudden, my mom was "upper middle class." My dad had over a million in retirement, but lost a large chunk when 09/11 happened, but was able to salvage over 1/2, plus rebuilt it until he retired. My dad worked until he was 70 1/2 and was a hale, healthy guy. When he retired, my mom was still working a great professional job, and my dad was getting several pension checks plus social security. My mom is 10 years younger than my dad, so working was still an option for her and she didn't want to quit, but wanted to work until she could collect her full SSI benefit as she doesn't have much in the way of retirement accounts. My dad had a stroke 6 months after he retired, then got stroke related dementia, and then also got Alzheimer's. Then he was diagnosed with severe COPD. Within a year after retirement, my mom couldn't leave him alone for one second. He ran away, crapped in the neighbors yard, tried to burn the house down, and finally when he attempted to strangle my mother, I forced her to put him in a nursing home. He is still alive 5 years later, and his bill? $10,000 a month for his care. The retirement? Nearly gone. My mother will be left with almost nothing and in a year my dad (if he is still alive - we are amazed daily that he is still with us) with have to move to a "waivered bed" because the money is all gone.

Don't assume that your sister can be their nursing home. It takes a team of people to care for my dad - unless your sister can provide that in her home and be willing to pay for it, I wouldn't count on her being able to care for your parents.

I would at least make the attempt to bring your folks down to reality - if nothing else, you and your sister shouldn't enable their poor spending habits.

Good luck!

You don't spend money for what you can't afford.

We don't know details here but I sense a lot of negative feelings between siblings.

It is a your parents fault if they blew threw their money. So many people live beyond their means and that's just playing with fire.

They seriously need to be working with a financial planner and plan their funerals. They do not need to be making long distance (or short ) drives at that age especially if you think they are not stable.

My husband just turned 60, healthy man we thought and dropped dead of a heart attack in 2015. We had not yet planned our funerals. Daughter and I planned a very modest, zero over the top service for him and the funeral home would not touch him until my $25,000+ check cleared. I was floored at the cost of a funeral and burial. You bet I've planned and save money for that so my daughter can bury me!!!

If you're paying $15,000 for appraisals you are being ripped off. I routinely get appraisals each 3-5 years for insurance purposes and nothing has ever cost over $1000 and I get several pieces appraised.

You can't change the past as far as how much they gave you vs another sibling. Harboring resentment all these years will just make you sick.

Best wishes to you!

From your description, your parents are not able to manage their affairs at all. They are in denial, spending on discretionary things and then hitting you up for plane tickets. Driving when your father winds up in the hospital is not a sensible decision either.

Your sister, I think, is quite incorrect about an appraiser costing $15K. As others have said, choose the best pieces and get a decent appraisal. Friends of mine were under the impression that his mother's "antiques" were of great value - they were shocked when she died and there was little beyond garage sale value and the rest was best suited for firewood. Just because your parents have told you for decades that their stuff is museum quality doesn't mean that's true.

You can also photograph or just compile a list of the old books, including publication dates, and send it to a qualified book dealer. Contact a reputable antiques dealer for the furniture and ask for a referral to a book dealer. Or contact a reliable auction house and see what they might be interested in. The jewelry expert referred me to an antiques dealer, who in turn referred me to a book dealer. They all work together in various sub-specialties.

I also think you're in denial when you say your sister will be their nursing home. Please re-read the comments below about how that is totally ridiculous! It's not financial feasible. Do you know anyone who has elderly parents in their home and is managing? It's constant, back-breaking and budget-breaking work.

If you don't have some sort of executive authority over your parents affairs, from power of attorney to health care proxies, get it now. If your mother shouldn't be driving, it's time to notify the DMV in her state that she (or both) need to be re-tested. It may be time to get elder services in to evaluate what they are doing for their safety and well-being.

It may be time to do the very difficult tasks involved in taking away their independence and authority over the finances. They had a trust, but the money is gone? I think there's no time to waste.

It's time your folks sat down with a financial planner and take stock of their lifestyle, properties and possessions.
They need to get their end game figured out.
The danger is that they outlive their money - and then what will they do?
It's not up to you to enable them by giving in to their requests for money.
If they need the cash - your parents should liquidate - do an estate sale - and then live wisely off the proceeds.
Furniture is funny - some might be worth something - others not so much.
If you've ever watched Antique Road Show - you'd be surprised what can end up being worth a lot of money.
An appraisal is not a bad idea - but your parents should be doing this as part of their down sizing.
A financial planner should be able to help them through this.

Encourage your parents to sell it now. Leaving it to when it is time, is a bad idea. My mom just had to sell her home due to her health - everything was in order. Had it not been, it would have been much more stressful than it had to be.

I would not offer to pay for their tickets in your situation. If they ask, simply say you aren't able to unfortunately.

For the plane tickets - I don't consider grandparents attending graduation to be a "must". If you do, you should pay for their tickets. Otherwise just say "It is fine for you to skip it if you cannot afford it, we will all visit together soon".

For the furniture - if they get rid of it while they are alive, they should pay for the appraisal if they want an appraisal. If you and your sister handle it when they are no longer living, you can decide what seems best at that time.

ETA: In order for assets to be protected they have to be in an irrevocable trust. And once the assets are placed in the trust they no longer have the ability to sell or spend them. The trustee would have to do that. So the fact that they spent through the trust indicates that they had a revocable trust, and that isn't sufficient at their age.

Having your sister be the nursing home isn't feasible. Paying $25 an hour for home health care means that it will probably be more expensive than a nursing home.

They need to meet with a financial planner so they can come to terms with what their situation.

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I wouldn't worry about the furniture now. I'm not sure why your sister thinks it will cost $15,000 to have it appraised. Most appraisals that I've had done have been for far less than that. But, they're not ready to part with the furniture, and you can make that decision later.

I've gone through a lot of stuff with my parents over the past few years, including moving them to assisted living and selling their home. Don't underestimate how difficult how emotionally difficult the downsizing process is for senior citizens is. Your mother's furniture may not seem like it's worth much. But she takes a lot of pride in it. There were certain things that I agreed to keep just because I knew it meant so much to them.

I think that what you and your sister need to be concerned about is whether they've done any type of estate planning. Have they moved their assets into a trust that can't be touched by Medicaid? They're 79 years old, and realistically one of them may face a catastrophic illness within the next 10 years. Medicaid has a 5 year look back period, so if they haven't moved those assets into a trust, they'll be forced to spend them to cover their expenses until they reach the Medicaid threshold. When you consider that assisted living can cost $5K per month per person, their assets will be gone very quickly. Like a previous poster said, they need to be certain they don't outlive their money.

If they haven't already done this planning, they need to do so before selling their home.

Your parents are in denial.
It's time to stop enabling it.
You and your sister need to buddy up and have an honest conversation with your parents....all 4 of you together.
Who has power of attorney over financial?
Who has POA over medical?
Who is the executor?
What are their wishes for the future?
You all need to have a clear understanding of what the future will bring so you ALL can realistically plan.

I get you think that your sister will become their caretaker, but as another person wrote, there will be so much out of your control that it may be an unlikely scenario. Now a days most adult children cannot provide adequate medical care for aging parents.

So I think you and your sister need to have an honest conversation with your parents, because at this point they may be counting on you to pay for their eldercare.

Better yet all four of you meet with the estate planner and go over your parents financial goals if your parents will allow.

It is also a good time for you and sister (if not already) to become familiar with their physicians, even introducing yourself to them.

Please don't underestimate how wise the elderly become at hiding medical concerns or serious diagnosis. Often we are the last to see the symptoms in our own parents.

If your parents can't afford a plane ticket..how are they affording medication? Groceries?

When they ask for money again, it's time you and your sister use the opportunity to talk about how they plan to pay for their future and gently bring up the facts of their financial status to pay for this future.

An estate sale would be a ton better than a garage sale after they are gone. You declutter the place and take out everything you and the family want to keep, and then have the company do the estate sale.

If you all DO decide to get stuff appraised, the estate should be paying for it, if there's anything left to the estate other than "items".

If I were you, I would not wait for your mother to ask for plane tickets. I'd tell her that it really bothers you that she is spending recklessly when they don't have the money to spend. Tell her that she needs to stop doing this. Then tell her not to ask for plane tickets again. You might just do yourself and you a favor by giving her the heads up. Maybe she'll stop spending since she knows you won't pay this time.

If your parents are mentally unstable then you need to go to court and get guardianship/legal representative control over them.

If they are competent then they have every right to spend every penny they have and to ask their kids for anything they don't want to pay for out of their own pocket.

You have the right to let them know, today, that you are struggling due to medical bills and that you will not be able to pay their flights out. That if their family is less important that fixing a piece of jewelry they can simply stay home.

Your sister sounds immature and ignorant. The furniture sounds very expensive and very much more than a garage sale find. Those sorts of finds are things that get put on Antiques Roadshow all the time. Master paintings sold for a dollar at a garage sale that appraise for thousands.

Get the appraised. Have a short list and hire someone reputable. That way you have a resource to hire to get rid of things.

Check to see if you can get an appraiser to come to the home and look over all the large items at once, I doubt it would be $15,000 to do so.

As for the money for plane tickets, do what you feel is right, but if her furniture is worth so much and she asks for money for plane tickets perhaps suggest she sell something to help her get the money.