Nasty Divorce, Need Your Advise

Updated on September 13, 2019
A.B. asks from Anchorage, AK
10 answers

I am going through a nasty divorce. I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 kids, one boy and one girl. My ex was abusive, jealous and very controlling. It got to a point where name calling, cursing, pushing around, slapping was happening almost daily. He often became physical when our fights escalated. I blame myself for not leaving sooner, I just didn't have the courage, I was so weak. My ex controlled all money, including my wage, insisted on sexual acts I was not comfortable with ( like oral sex). It was really bad, but we also had some very few moments when we where happy. Last time he threw me out of him house ( it was his parents house, but they were not living with us)I was pregnant with our baby girl. That is when I decided to file for divorce and a restraining order. We were fighting because he was listening to my phone and he found out I went to have a coffe with a colleague. I had absolutely nothing to do with this colleague. He was the type that made everyone laugh, would hug his female colleagues. So I accepted going to coffee with him I didn't think I make a mistake. I would have told my ex, but I knew how jealous he was. Anyway, he was listening to my phone, he found out about the coffee and hell broke loose. After he threw me out I received the restraining order against him for 6 months. I found out he also had cameras around the house. After the restraining order was over I really hoped he would change. I was about to give birth to our daughter. Since than he has been fighting me in court. He wants our boy in order to avoid paying child support. He has already moved on and his took his girlfriend everywhere. While I am struggling with our 2 kids. Ex just doesn't care about the kids, as if his love for the kids also died. He told me he will never forgive me for the restraining order and that I cheated on him. I have many moments when I regret not having a family and I blame myself. Now there is nothing I can do. He is in love and not caring at least about us. I am just exhausted, depressed and afraid of the future. Any advice please?

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answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
If you have your job? You need keep it.

You need counseling and therapy.
I'm not sure what advice I can give you. Hire a lawyer. Ensure everything is documented.
Don't tell me you're still "in love" with this creature - are you? I hope not.

Get into counseling therapy.
Hire a good lawyer.

Not sure what you mean about not having a family - you have 2 kids with him. THEY are going to need counseling as well.

Good luck!

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I have a friend going through this at the moment, and another friend who left a manipulator (not physically abusive) a few years back. It works out in the end. It's definitely exhausting and mentally draining, but take it one step at a time and you can do it. It's for the best.

Don't think of the what if's or go back over the past. That's just a waste of time. Move forward. Don't waste one more second feeling bad about your past decisions or laying guilt on yourself. Pointless. You did the best you could knowing what you knew, and give yourself a break. You didn't intentionally do any of this. You trusted this man because you loved him. He turned out to be a jerk. It happens to the best of us (it happened to me, I'm just thankful I didn't marry the guy). It' happened to my friends.

I agree with the ladies below - just find some support (counselor, call the hot line if you need help, etc.) or talk to your lawyer .. one steps at a time. If your ex doesn't care, accept it as hard as it is - and just move on. It sucks, but there it is. Kids do turn out well with one parent - my dad had grandparents raise him and he was a fabulous, loving gifted man. It happens. You don't need both parents to raise happy, confident kids - just a stable loving family - and that can be mom and 2 kids. It will be ok. Just make sure you're ok - and if you can see a counselor to feel supported, that would be great.

Who cares if he never forgives you. Who cares what your ex thinks or that he's 'moved on'. He's just found the next unfortunate woman to take advantage of. Feel thankful you've learned and are wiser and know better now. You're hurt, but you are wiser. Just feel what you're feeling, let it out - process it. Mourn. It is is a loss - of your marriage, your old family .. life as you knew it. It happens.

It does not mean that the rest of your life has to hurt. It can be better. Much happier and healthier in fact. It can be something to look forward to - and positive. Good luck :) I suspect it will be. It just takes a little time and hang in there. All the best.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

If you haven't talked to a womens shelter already then do so now.
They have heard it all before and can help you move forward.
Not sure what you mean by not having a family - maybe you equate not being married with not being a family? - like you are sort of sorry you have to get divorced?

So he'll never forgive you for the restraining order.
You should never forgive him for being enough of a maniac that you had to take out a restraining order in the first place.
It's hard to try not feel sorry for yourself - but at some point you will feel so much relief not having your ex in your life.
If you feel sorry for anyone - anyone who ends up with him will suffer as you did - his girlfriend(s) deserve your pity.
Right now you need to take care of you and your kids.
The womens shelter will be a wonderful resource for you.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

I'm so sorry. I just wanted to say you have done nothing wrong. You are doing the right thing to get away and get divorced. You DO have a have a wonderful family of you and your children. Getting your kids out of that kind of toxic atmosphere you were living in every day shows you are a terrific mother. Now you have to stop caring what he thinks or says. He is warped and wrong and mean....just tune him out and try to make the best possible life. I hope he does not get custody, but I'm guessing chances are he will get 50% custody. Make plans to be able to support don't need a lot of things to be a happy family and make a happy home for your kids. They just want love and your time and attention and you can do this! I'm rooting for you. I grew up with my brother and mom. My dad didn't have much to do with us...he also did not pay child support. We did mom sold real estate (which I don't recommend because it's a gamble).

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Great advice already. I'm wondering if all of you are still living in the same house. It's his parents' house. If he's still living there or if he holds that it's house over your head, i suggest you will have less drama living in your own place.

A women's shelter will be a good resource and support. They have counselors who will will be supportive as well as give you knowledge and skills to get through this. They will help even when you're not living there.

How old are your children? Sounds like your girl is a baby. Is your son preschool in age? They're too young for counseling. However, counseling will help you with your feelings and decisions. Counseling will also be a support.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

what a horrid situation to go through. I'm sorry.

Please obtain a good lawyer.
Get into therapy for you and your kids.
Do NOT go back and do NOT pine for this dude. He's not worth it. Let him be forever angry with you about the restraining order. If you feel like you need to keep it current, do so.

Please don't go back. Don't pine over him. You deserve so much more than this. As do your children. I hope you realize this and get them into therapy as well so they don't fall victim to their biological father's (hard to call him a man or dad) behavior.

focus on you and healing. Realize that this wasn't your fault. Don't let him place the blame on you. He's the one who lost his temper. NOT YOU. He is the one who got physical.

Best of luck to you. Stay positive. Be happy that you are breaking free from this person!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Please try to change your thinking. Be GLAD he is in love with someone else! Be glad for the restraining order. He could have hurt you so much that you could have lost the baby. Your son sees his father hurting his mother. That’s a terrible thing for a child to see day after day!

You need to focus on these children now. Get that divorce and stay away from this man.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You’re doing the right thing! You’re getting out!
Get an attorney.
Write everything down. Document everything - dates and times.
Be proud of what you’re doing! You’re teaching your children that they shouldn’t ever be treated the way your soon to be ex is treating you. They are learning what a strong woman is - all by your actions. Don’t involve them in any discussions or any ranting you might want to do. Bad-talking Dad is not a good thing.
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, decide that you can do what needs doing, raise your children, live your life, and don’t ever let anyone treat you poorly ever again.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I’ve not experienced this- so I hope I give helpful advice here... sometimes family lawyers can give great advice on how to proceed with contact- most cities have some sort of family law services for nearly single Moms.

I saw a friend go through a difficult situation and she accepted the guy exactly the way he was- flaws and all- and it’s working better now- so they can negotiate. If there is anyway you can communicate how scary and wrong his aggressive behavior was- he may understand the restraining order. Reassure him is was a hard decision to make and it made you upset. Perhaps a counselor or mediator can help communicate this. Once he understands this maybe you guys can have a civil comfortable connection. So sorry you are going through this- you deserve a safe secure life.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

what advice are you specifically seeking, hon?

i'm so, so happy to hear you did the right thing and left. so proud of you. i know that had to be scary as hell, and you did the right thing for yourself and your children. you are brave and strong.

you must realize that your 'regret' over 'not having a family' is coming from the place of power he used to have over you, right? you DO have a family- you and the kids form a family unit. the fact that he's no longer a regular part of it is healthy and strong. nothing to regret, nothing to blame yourself for.

fear, depression and exhaustion are, unfortunately, part of the process as you pull yourself together and figure out your life moving forward. i wish it could be skipped, but the custody battle means you have to shoulder the weariness and battle on regardless. keep really good records, practice self-care, focus on your kids. you can do this.

you don't give any specifics that will allow for more focused advice. do you work? do you have help caring for the kids? do you have a custody agreement in writing? do you have an attorney? does your ex have any damning evidence against you? is the restraining order still in effect?


1 mom found this helpful
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