Narcisstic Father

Wow.
I'm wondering if your father has had depression and serious pain because of your mother's death.
What horrible words for a child to hear..."I wish I had died instead of your mother." BUT, as an adult, have you ever wondered the pain behind such a statement?
It's not abnormal for someone who suffers a great loss to say, "Why couldn't it have been me instead?"
I know that as a child, you felt treated like prisoners, but I'm wondering if he was afraid that if you got too far from him, he would lose you too?

You've been in therapy. That's a good thing.
Sometimes we have no choice but to cut someone who is toxic out of our lives, but I would be willing to bet, in spite of your dad's behavior, that losing you has been a big fear of his all along.

I feel badly for your whole family. Including your dad.
I don't know why you would contact your dad's attorney to tell him to send the message you want your dad to leave you alone.
No offense, but that doesn't make sense to me.
I think you should make another therapy appointment.
If you can't say how you feel in person to your father, discuss the option of writing him a letter letting him know how you feel.

The fact is, he didn't understand how you felt as children and you didn't understand how he felt as a man who lost his wife and had children to raise without her.
Maybe there is a way for you to hear each other before throwing in the towel completely.

That's just my opinion.
I would wish for a better outcome since you already lost one parent.

Sorry, but whoever said that he didn't have his dreams realized so that's why he is bitter. Give me a freaking break! This is called LIFE not magic genie fun time. You don't just make a wish and get what you want. I can't even think of a profession I would want my daughter to be in, it's her choice, so I don't even think I want her to be a.... Blah. Look your dad is toxic to you, you've tried and tried again to make it work. It doesn't so, just let it go. If he sends you stuff then toss it and don't think about it anymore. If your sibling want to continue to try and make him happy, well that's their choice. If I were you I would listen to them talk about your dad, be sympathetic then as soon as you get off the phone put it out of your mind.

He only can ruin your life if you let him. Best of luck to you.

Hi,

I completely understand where you are coming from. My advice is to forward his emails back--UNread and don't read them at all. Don't answer phone calls/text/email etc. You choose who you want in your life. Your dad has proven to be someone who hurts you and disrespects you. Give him an ultimatum--he treats you with respect,love, admiration etc. or he is out F.. Lay it all out one last time and stick to your word. You deserve better. GL

M

Just wanted to let you know you must forgive not for your father's sake but for your own health. However, forgiving does not mean you have to associate with your dad. If it is an unhealthy relationship be honest with him and tell him until he can get his act together that you know longer want a relationship with him.

However, you want to say it - maybe in a letter.

N.

Biology does not make a parent. Love and respect do. You can cut the ties - it is your choice. If a parent chooses to be cruel to his children, those children do not owe him love just because of biology.

I have chosen to make my MIL and my Sister my mother figures. I speak to my mother a few times a year. She is not as overtly cruel as your father, but she has done her share of damage and I do not want to be a part of her life. If she showed up at my door, I'd send her to a hotel.

Do what you have to do to get out, and if you feel he's becoming dangerous to you, contact an attorney - but NOT his, or someone in authority to help make him go away.

OMG, I just read this and I want to ask if you ever realized that it was awfully hard for your Dad to lose his wife and raise 3 kids and to hope that they will turn out OK and to want them to love him back (because they are all he has left). He had dreams, for himself, for you - those dreams never came to be a reality - he got stuck and got bitter.
I would strongly advise for you all to forgive your poor dad for all his wrongdoings, he seems like a sincere man albeit a bit stubborn and misguided. It looks to me like wants a thank you a recognition and to be a part of your lives. Instead of sending him e-mails maybe write him a letter telling him what you are thankful for (what he did for you) I bet whatever happens he will treasure that letter forever. It is hard for old folks to have stereotypes broken and things rearranged. Hope you will find some peace in this mess.

Sounds like he is a very unhappy and bitter man. Keep the relationship solid with your siblings and you have to set the boundary with your Dad and limit your contact with him especially if he is abusive. I sure hope that your sibs have had therapy too. Tragic that he can't enjoy the blessings he does have in his life.

Your father sounds similar to mine. After years of disappointment, and his drama, I cut him completely out of my life 10 years ago. Do I regret it- hell no. Life has been great for me, and I don't want him or his drama around me or my family. He thinks of no one but himself, and always has. A leopard never changes his spots, and you will never change him. Once I accepted that I just don't like him as a person, and I don't have to put up with it, then I was done. I have forgiven him for who he is a long time ago, but I still don't want to have anything to do with him. I carry no resentment or bitterness towards him- in fact, I feel nothing at all for him. It's sad, but it's true.
It's very simple. Send him a letter, stating that you are disowning him as a father. This means you want no contact with him- period. You are blocking his calls, returning his letters, blocking his emails, etc. If he continues to harass you, you will seek legal action.
It sounds harsh, but you have to make it very clear. I don't think that you can speak for your siblings- that is their own row to hoe. But you can put an end to it yourself if you are truly fed up.
Since I have cut my narcissistic father out of my life (and he also thinks he is the victim, too), I have felt liberated. I have a great life and I am not burdened by his sense of entitlement.
I wish you the best.

So, by contacting his attorney, you mean to make legal action such as a restraining order? Otherwise, what good will that do, his attorney can't possibly force him to stop contacting you.

Maybe you all can just ignore the bad. Send him a Christmas card and a family picture each year, call him a few times a year to keep a short and brief conversation. Ignore the nasty emails. He sends you your items you left there to connect. He send nasty emails b/c he is lonely and trying o get some attention. You probably shouldn't have left your stuff there for him to deal with in the first place.

I'm sure he is hurting, and it sounds like he does have some mental issues, but I still don't think totally cutting a person off is the answer. Have you read the book How to Hug a Porcupine by John Lund? It's about creating safe distances and dealing with people with toxic personalities. It IS possible.

you are an adult, you are entitled to the choices in your life.

he is a proven negative. You have the right to legally terminate your relationship with him.

I wish you Peace & Happiness. & as part of the healing process, I highly recommend that you begin volunteering & find an outlet for the love you have to give.....

There is a chant we sing in church:

I will always forgive you,
I will never forget you.

You can forgive him for all he has done and remember he will always do it again. Endlessly. Don't let him near you to do it to you again.

Urge your brother to cease contact also, but let him choose his own path.

You don't need that pain. Walk, don't run, use dignity and grace, away and protect yourself. He is not good for you and he will do the same to your children.

I am so sorry, how painful this must be. Your father is a very toxic man, he has a lot of pain and anger that he has put all on his children....It's awful. I really think that if you have tried everything to get through to him and to hold the mirror up to him so he can really SEE himself and the pain he is causing to himself let alone his family, even maybe sending him this letter for advice that you have written ( I dont know of course what you have said to him in the past or if a letter like that would be anything knew to him) If you really have tried everything I think you should do whatever you Know is necessary to keep him out of your life. You and your family do not deserve to be treated this way. I would say to him " I appreciate everything you have done for me, I know it wasnt easy taking care of us on your own and you probably did the best you could but you have caused a lot of pain and real trouble in our lives and you are not welcome in it anymore. I love you, always will. Please do not contact me in any way unless you have done some soul searching and have come to an understanding of what kind of a father you have been. Then you may apologize and we can go from there."
I don't know if this is any help to you ( I hope it is) I have never responded to a Q here before but I felt compelled by your story. Good luck!

Your Dad sounds like he's in a lot of pain. All of his anger toward you is probably due to the loss of his wife. It doesn't make sense, and it's not fair to you, but that probably hurt him a great deal and he's not a sane person now. Do what you have to do to set boundaries and stay healthy, but I feel for you all, even him. From an outsiders perspective it's easy to say, give him a quick call now and then and update him on your life. Leave it at that. If he gets argumentative, it's time to make an excuse to hang up. I'm sure that's easier said than done though.

Put it all in writing for your father just as you have for us. Ask for all the stuff you left at his place & go get it. Donate it all at once so you don't have to have any gradual contact with him. After you pick up all the stuff & have it loaded in your car & are ready to leave hand him the letter telling him what is going to happen to all the stuff you just picked up & that you wish to have no further contact with him in the future of any kind. That you will be blocking his e-mails, phone calls & any letters he sends will be thrown in the trash. You should get together with your siblings. & let them know your wishes after you have done it.

By the way his is not a Dad he is your bio father, a Dad loves unconditionally.

I'm sorry you don't have your father as a loving person in your life, but thank God for the family he has given you (your husband, any children, siblings, etc.)

Your dad is very, very unhappy and probably really misses your mother terribly, even though it's been a long time.

You don't have to "have" him in your life. Change your number, don't call, don't respond...he'll get it. I am truly so sorry.

If you need him out of your life or to have very limited contact then do it. You deserve peace and sanity in your life. Maybe "booster shot" of therapy for a few sessions would help you feel better about this decision. I imagine your father is angry and hurt but it doesn't seem to be improving his behavior.

BTW, my best friend had a similar situation (controlling dad, mom died young) he was horrible to her when she lived at home but their relationship improved a lot when she moved out and had control of how often she saw him.