My Toddler Hits Me!

I think Ana offers some good insights.
I too am using the 1-2-3 Magic method, and it does work well for the most part. It's tough, though, when you are in public to implement the time out. I would keep at it. I also found when my son was 3 and had a melt down, if I responded in a positive manner ('I think you need a hug now') it would calm him down pretty quickly. Also, what you say about spanking definately is true; all spanking teaches him is that the bigger person wins! I found that if I spanked him (one swat on the bottom) his behavior actually would get worse, and it seemd to me that the incidences of him hitting me increased. I made a 'deal' with him that I wouldn't hit him and he wouldn't hit me. For the most part, it seemed to work.
Transitions are tough; hang in there!
PS My son has been in a Montessori program since he was three and he has really thrived in that environment...

I guess everyone has there different ways of doing things.

However, there are three important parts to how you respond. First is stopping the immediate behavior. Second, stopping the behavior from happening again and Third which I think is the most important and often over looked is what message does he get from your reaction. Like you said it does not make much sense to say don't hit me and then hit him for it! (I found myself doing this all the time, or my favorite was yelling at my kids "Stop Yelling!") ;>

A book and way of looking at discipline that has helped me and my family tremendously is Positive Discipline. Check out their website www.positivediscipline.com. They have a book specifically for working parents and for single parents that helped me alot.

Also, try to see your current situation as a transition, the more comfortable you are with it the less he will sense the changes. Kids are very adaptable, what he is reacting to is your feelings and frustration on all the upheavel in your life. Just remember all things happen for a reason! Something good is going to be coming from all these changes.

May you and your family continue to be blessed!
A.

D.,

I am sorry you are having to deal with such a frustrating situation! First I would like to say, everyone's OPINIONS were asked for and I don't believe it was fair for anyone previously to call out Tonisha or anyone else on their parenting style. This particular discussion had nothing to do with Tonisha's situation and therefore her OPINIONS are that, her OPINIONS. That being said, when is he hitting? Is it after you have told him he can't have, eat or watch something? Is a frustrated attention-getting tactic or does he just hit when the mood strikes him? Maybe there's an underlying reason that he is getting frustrated but not able to tell you in words why he is frustrated. Try to get him to draw it or act it out (without HITTING!) or use PlayDoh or some other method. Maybe in his own little way he'll be able to let you know what's going on. Maybe he too is just trying to get acclimated to his new surroundings and hoping he won't have to move again. You've moved TWICE, he's been to THREE different daycares and mommy's got a new job. Children just don't adapt as well as adults do. We have so many outlets for our frustrations that they don't. Get him to open up to you somehow. I'm sorry, I don't know how old he is. I wish you much luck and use whatever advice/ideas/parenting style works for you! Try them all, don't try them, but remember you are not alone and there is always someone here to listen to you! No one mommy is wrong in her approach unless it is abusive to the child and there are clear guidelines for that. I personally agree with the mommy who suggested that when he hits you, if he's sitting with you, you put him down and tell him "That hurts! and I'm not going to sit with you if you hit!" or if you're playing with him still "That hurts! and I'm not going to play with you if you hit!" And if worse comes to worse a swat on the butt always works for me and my toddler. And that is MY OPINION!

J.

Some kids are definitely more intense than others. I had to deal with my son differently than my daughters. I used mini boot camp tactics to try and break his naughty cycles. Now your son is probably too young but maybe you could modify it. My son would have to drop and give me five, and he was probably around 4-5 when I started this after him not "getting it" from other disciplines not working. It worked so well at breaking the naughty cycles. He cooperated very well with this approach. Perhaps your son could give you five jumping jacks or something he could handle.
Good luck,
LaurieK
www.mymonavie.com/LaurieK

My son is very intense as well. I talked with my pastor and he brought up a great point. He may be feeding off my emotions. I was upset so he got more upset. I started to make myself concious of my mood and feelings and changed them before I confronted him. Talking to him about how it hurts and asking if he thinks it hurts.

I think you are as sensitive as he is. I have gone through similar times too. I too have had to make drastic changes in my life too. I as well as you are a single mom. I understand how fustrating all of it must be for you and your family.
You know my mother used to tell me that we each are made to have incredible sense of love and compassion and most of all, patience. I believe all of this is stressfull not only on you, but for him too. I'm no Doctor, but as a single mom to single mom I can only offer this...try to put on his shoes, look at all of it in his prespective. It seems like all of his anger is really getting the best of him...see that's were what I said about my mom told me comes in. The love and compassion will help you decide when enough is enough and then as a mom you find it to be easier to make a choice of the manner of which you feel best is nessasary. I don't believe smacking gets the point across, But I also believe helping them to understand why it is important to not hit and how it makes you feel. Not to mention it is a great time to discuss how all of this makes him feel,and why he is so angry. It maybe ok to explain to him that he is allowed to be angry, even if can't have somthing or get his own way. But it does matter in which he is allowed to show that fustration. Also just remember we know how to channel our emotions, they do not yet so stay firm, but with love. I hope you will find peace and find some of this to help.

C...mom of three.

D.,
I have two boys ages 3 and 5. The older very rarely yelled and never hit me. He is very mild mannered. The other use to get frustrated more easily and lash out occasionally at me. I think the key is to stop the immediate naughty behavior with a time out. You must be consistent. Time out is always in the same location if possible and always for the same amount of time. Time out should be a quiet and very boring place. Time out should always end with an apology and forgiveness for the behavior. The child should be told that you love him always, but do not like his behavior choices. I always tell my boys that they make choices everyday about how they choose to act and feel. If they choose to hit or yell then they will pay the consequences. They understood this concept starting around age 2. Also, if they get a timeout they always loose something. I usually choose a their bike, special toy, going to the park, icecream, etc... I tell them as soon as timeout is over what I choose to take away. They then are given the opportunity to "earn it back" through good behavior or special deeds the rest of the day. Usually they will earn it back. TV time or time playing on their train table usually make them curb their behavior quickly. Another key is stability and routine. It must be so very hard for your son to feel secure, steady and stable with all the changes he has endured over the past year. I would try very hard to make each day predictable for him. Keep very close to a routine. This will make him feel secure. I agree with you on the not spanking. I just don't find it necessary and I feel it is a lack of creative parenting to resort to it. I also feel it sends completely the wrong message to your child. So try timeouts in addition to losing something for a day. If you take away a toy try putting it up on the refrigerator where he can see it, but not have it. It really makes my little one work harder to get it back when it's within view but unreachable. Remember routine, routine, routine (even if you over do it a little). Good luck.

A.

More outting might help. It sounds like in addition to what he's being exposed to at the day care, you need to pay attention to what he watches on T.V also you need to buy some books on fighting little stories he can relate to. with lots of illustration. Stories about kids that fought and hurt other kids.

Hello D. my daughter does the same thing, but let me tell you, she is 2 years old and she only does it when I allow her to. You may think that hitting him back is not the solution, well welcome to the real world. You have to prepare him for the real world and baby if he hits someone in school or anywhere else they are not going to be as sympathetic as mommy is. They are going to hit him back and harder at that. Just like someone else wrote different cultures raise their kids fifferently and in mine (african american) we have this saying which is also in the bible spare the rod ans spoil the child. That simply means you don't discipline your child then he is going to be a product of society. Think about it when your parents speak of the days they were is school the teacher spanked them and when they got home the parents did also and anyone else who didn't like the behavior. Time out does not work for all kids and not all discipline tactics work the same for each child. You have to find the one that works for your son. You are the same age as me and you can relate when you were in school. My daughter father is not in her life and it's not by choice, but never the less he's not. That is not an excuse for not raising your son to be a respectable man to you and to other women. You say he is very sensitive, but to whom his self. That's selfish not sensitive. You are saying you are stronger to takes hits then he his and he is the one giving them. Whether you believe it or not you are teaching him just that to be selfish. I personally think or perhaps know my daughter will grow out of it because she knows how far to go. However, if she hits me when I am serious about telling her something for her own good then she gets hit back and harder. Next time she thinks about it and looks at my facial expression to see if she can get away with it. All of this at the age of 2. Honey they are very smart. My mother tells me that I shouldn't allow her to hit me at all and that may as well be true, but in some twisted way she's replica and I aloow it, but that's just it, it is only allowed when I know that I am not serious at the time. Over time she will no longer be able to do it. Just the other day I was saying it is time to tighten my grip because she is getting older. I hope this helps. No, I know it will. Remember you are the mother not him. Alos, never let your situation get you down. You have life and a beautiful son. Sometimes the raod gets rough but we (mopthers) are survivors. We have been doing this for years standing in the place of no good fathers. Honey, be strong for you and your son. I know I have. I am speaking from experience. If you ever need some encouragement or someone to talk to God is always listening. He is the reason you keep pushing on. You will be alright momma. Hang in there!

D.,

My daughter stated doing that and what I did was hit her back whereever she hit me. If she hit me in the arm real hard, I'd hit her back just as hard and then tell her that hitting is wrong and, "...you don't hit Mommy. It's not nice." If's she's play hitting I tell here the same thing but add that she has to be nice and to say she is sorry. She's would respond accordingly and it works find. She has a bit a temper but... got it honestly. I believe in practicing real-world experiences at home. If your son is behaving as such than I recommend you try it but speak to him in a very disappointing but clear voice. Express to him that you don't want to communicate/play with him if he's not going to be nice... and execute what you say. Only speak to him when giving orders but no fun. He will see that and it just may make him sad. This worked great with my nephew. The key is to be consistant. You want him to take you seriously.

Let me know how that works for you.

U KNOW MY SON IS THREE!! AND HE HIT ME ONCE AND I TOLD HIM NO TO LOOK AT ME IN THE FACE AND I ANGRILY SAID DONT U EVER HIT MOMMY AGAIN OR ELSE MOMMY WILL HIT U !! DO U WANT MOMMY TO HIT U ??AND HE SAID NO!!! AND HE NEVER DID !! BUT I AM STILL DEALING WIT HIS TEMPER I STARTED TO GIVE HIM T/OUT FOR AN HOUR IN BED AND I GOTTA SAY ITS WORKING!!

I'm not sure if you mentioned how old he was, but for the most part, a toddler is testing thier boundaries and limits, and trying to get a response (any kind really- negative, positive, whatever). If you pay attention to what he's doing and give any response, he will keep doing it just for the attention. My pediatrician suggested a firm NO and to put my daughter down (if I was holding her) or walk away if I wasn't holding her. It actually worked. Hope this helps.s

I know exactly how you feel... I was a single mother through the toddler years and beyond... I moved alot in and out of my families homes from one state to another... My son started acting out in this way also... I have to say that the only thing that worked for my son was spanking his bottom... I know many people disagreee with this method, but it was the only thing I could do... I looked at it this way... He is hitting me and it hurts to get hit right... spanking him showed him that it did hurt and he finally stopped hitting me... I know it sounds cruel the way I worded it... but I didn't hit him hard just enough to get his attention... He is now 9 yrs old and a very respectful young man...

Making physical boundaries helps my children. When they were too little to understand a reasonable conversation, I would hold them in my arms very tightly with their back to my chest and their arms wrapped in mine. This worked very well because while they screamed and yelled and kicked, my "hug" only got tighter, and when they had worn themselves out, and the tantrum was over, I was still holding them and then I could speak to them softly and tell tehm why the behavior was unacceptable and that the next time they behaved that way, I would hold them just as tightly because I loved them and wanted them to show their emotions in a different way. This is more a battle than it is a loving hold, but it shows the child that they can not overpower you, and that you still love them when it is all over.

PS- for the record- I have tried hitting my child back- and this actually does work too- it shows them how they make others feel. I ask them if the hit felt good and when they say no, I say, well it didnt make mommy feel good either so next time please tell me how you feel using your words instead of your hands/feet. I even allow their siblings to hit them back once in a while so that they again understand how they make others feel. Those little ones get too big for their britches somtimes!