My Three-year-old Is hypersensitive...any Help?

My daughter is now 9-years-old and is and will always be hypersensitive. I've found a wonderful book that has been a lifesaver. It's called The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. I have mine all marked up, and every now and then I take it off the shelf and reread it. My daughter is in the 4th grade in the fall, and then next year all the 5th grade classes (about 700 students) converge together in Middle School; I've heard this is a very stressful time because of all the changes. You can bet I'll be rereading my book! My daughter also has Sensory Processing Disorder (I have some wonderful books on that as well) and has been seeing a Childhood Specialist since she was in Kindergarten; having her see someone she can talk to--without mom or dad--has made a world of difference. I don't have any expertise in these areas (her big one is friends/making friends/social skills)so I am so glad we found someone we all like.

If you want to talk more or have questions, contact me.

first, has she had any check-ups recently? Perhaps she is ill? Another consideration is, could she be overtired? Stressed out do to any changes in routine, or family atmosphere? Some children are especially sensitive. There are books out there to help. For these children it helps to manage the environment and let them make lots of choices. I am very sensitive so I had extreme aversions to peas (the texture in my mouth), certain clothing - seams could be torturous, for example. If this is the case, she is not trying to drive you crazy, she is simply very uncomfortable and unable to think beyond her discomfort. Accommodate her as much as possible and you'll all be happy. If she is hyper sensitive, she is likely also feels other people's feelings strongly, absorbing their emotions as her own. Having an artistic outlet will be extremely helpful for her and she may be gifted in this area as well. Hyper sensitivity is a gift but like all gifts has its challenges.
other consideration: Do you think she is seeking undue attention or power? Aggression could be an attempt to get revenge or gain power as well. There are a number of strategies that could help. Most importantly, keep your cool, don't let her press your buttons. Your power is in your feet, remove yourself from her outbursts and they may stop if it is attention she seeks. If it's power, then don't try to win, avoid getting hooked in. Stay cool, stay friendly. Encourage her in every way possible and give her some one on one attention and lots of acknowledgment for positive behaviors.
Good luck!

I am not sure what she is crying about but my son does similar things. He is great but he will start screaming and crying when he struggles to do the littles things (if the seatbelt won't work the first try, if he messes something up getting dressed). I would look at her personality type. She maybe be a perfectionist and get frustrated if she can't do it right the first time. Along with that she could have a pleasing sense meaning that she always wants to make you and our husband happy. This could be why she gets hysterical with food she doesn't like. It might be hard for her to please you if she can't eat everything (in her mind). If you think this could be/is her personality type it takes a lot of patience. Encourage her, let her know how proud you are of her, remind her to keep trying and that she will get it. Also let her know you are happy with her just because. I have learned getting frustrated only makes my son more hysterical.
Also if it is a personality issue, it won't be a phase. You will need to figure out how to teach her to work within this personality and to bring the best out of it (instead of the worst with these outbursts). It is tough to do in a little one.

i would like to say it will go away soon, but some little ones are just really dramatic, my sister has a 5 year old and a 9 year old and both are sweet little girls but they have what we call "sassy-tudes" from time to time they both started around 2 years old. you aren't alone. My sister just tells the girls to go to their rooms if they are going to act that way and they can return when they have calmed down. whenever i tell my niece that i don't want to be around her when she is yelling for no reason and she stops or goes to her own space for a while. Today my niece (5 year old) told my sister she was the worst mom ever and she was running away, all because her mom asked her to pick up her room before they would go to the pool.(all the kids had been fighting with each other all day) my sister gave her a can of soup and a can opener for her trip and told her she loved her. My niece looked at her for a min. then set the stuff down and quietly went and cleaned her room. try to not let it get to you and inform the little one that the situation is nothing to be that upset about, if she still continues to yell ask her to leave the room and return when she has calmed down and can speak nicely and tell her you are willing to help if she will ask you nicely

When my son started this phase I immediate stopped them by setting boundaries. You need to advise your daughter that this behavior will not be tolerated. If the issue is an important one such as eating her vegtables.. just excuse her from the table to have her tantrum and once she is done she is returned to the table to eat her vegtable. You need to take control and make sure that she knows that the behavior will not be tolerated period. The point is... once she learns that the tantrum is not going to get her what she wants and that it isn't going to get her anywhere but someplace she doesn't want to me she will quickly figure out that this behavior is unacceptable and will change. Be patient and firm.. don't yell..etc. Just remove her from the situation without any emotion. She will soon figure it out. Kids will have outbursts from time to time and usually do it to get your attention. Being a middle child she may be feeling a little put out. Also take some time for some one on one good time. It doesn't have to be long even 5 minutes usually helps. Good Luck!

Hi A.,
Good question...and I can empathize with you as one of our 4 kids had a stage like that around 2-3-4 years old. I'm sure you are doing alot of right things. Stay calm and consistent. Don't try to bargain with her and don't give her an audience. Our daughter would scream louder for awhile if we put her on the steps or in her room but when she realized that we were all going on without her and not listening she eventually decided it wasn't worth it. I think some kids have a harder time controlling their emotions at that age. My daughter that went through that is now a rationale and very loving 10 year old and we joke about her wild days! :) Hope that helps a little!

Not that I disagree with everyone's comments, but I strongly agree with Amanda N's comments. My boys are going to be 3 in Sept. and I just view them as "strongly opinionated" about certain issues or that they just don't know how to manage the feelings they have inside. In either case, I'm just trying to figure out how to adjust my parenting (what are trigger situations? what exactly calmed them down?) to find a balance between discipline and accomodation. When they get upset about not getting something right (putting the shirt on, for example) I just tell them that it's okay, they can try again and that I know they can do it. Sometimes I have to do this a few times, sometimes it works the first time, and sometimes I just have to do it for them. Of course it depends on the child, so you'll have to try different things, see what works, and remember that method for the future instead of going with your natural reaction.

Good luck!

I don't necessarily disagree with the comments below, but in my experience this is a time where they are learning about their influence and the control they may or may not have on their life and accordingly, they have feelings (anger, frustration, etc) that they don't have the skills to cope with effectively. You are seeing it demonstrated in the frustration of getting their shirt on correctly to refusing to eat peas.

I absolutely agree with setting boundaries of appropriate behavior, but also working with them to cope with their feelings properly. The agression is a show stopper and I would recommend agreeing on a punishment that hits her hard that is given whenever that aggresion is demonstrated (e.g. taking away her favorite doll). THere is no warning for a second occurence as you have already agreed to the actions and consequences. When she is frustrated at trying to do something, stay positive adn provide encouragement. I often made up a song to get them giggly and to keep trying (I think I can, I think I can). We also have rules about eating. If they don't like something, they are required to take a set amount of bites (I correlate this with age). They are not allowed up from the table until they do (my 2 year old had 40 minute tantrum at the table on this issue). Regardless, if they only take the two bites, they do not get that nights "treat". I also use the same idea mentioned below, which is telling them I understand you are mad, frustrated, etc. but your yelling and screaming is unacceptable. I than send them to their room (where they can find some comfort in an animal, blanket)until they can calm themselves down at which point we would be happy to see them again.

Anyways, some of the things I have used.