My Step Son Is Still Overwhelmed with Moms Death.....

What a hard suitation this must be for you. You must be a wonderful women in trying to help him the way you are but I think you should try to get professional help for him before his pain takes him into negative directions even if he tells you that he does not want too.

Is J or are you a Christian? If so, talking about heaven and what it is like and explaining that he will see his mom again there someday may be comforting for him.

Whether you are a Christian or not, sometimes we just need to grieve and cry it out. The best thing to say might be nothing at all...it might just be a hug or an arm around him. Rather than trying to make him feel better, you might want to explore how he is feeling now by getting curious about him and asking him questions about what is coming up for him when he sees the photos. Let him put it in his own words and let him cry it out if he needs to.

Just some thoughts that I hope will help in some way.

Blessings,
C.

There are books on the subject that you might want to seek out. In the meantime I think you are doing just fine.

The only way this child is going to heal is to allow him to mourn his Mom....it's a long process. Maybe at some point he'll agree to talk to a therapist...perhaps joint secessions with you might help to get him to make the first step in getting there since he has placed all his trust in you.....until then continue to listen to his feelings and answer all his questions when he talks to you about it.

Let him know his Dad is hurting and missing his Mom too so he understands he is not alone feeling what he is feeling. Perhaps it would be helpful if his Dad told him this himself.....

Ask him what he misses most about his Mom and what he enjoyed doing with her. Maybe doing something with him that he used to do with her would be helpful.....

I tend to think part of what he is feeling is that his Mom abanded him. Have you talked to him about heaven and that one day at some point we all go there but right now he's got to live his life and make her proud...how she's up there watching over him...still loving him. Perhaps it would be helpful if you suggest that he talk to her (like praying)and that he can do this any time he wants to.
(((my mom died in 1981 and I still find it a comfort when I talk to her..))))

It really is wonderful that J will talk to you as hard as that may be for you. The book that was recommend is great.

Most kids therapy is play where a good counselor can see and pull from his engagement with toys, animals or art. It really isnt what he may think of sitting there on a chaise lounge expressing his feelings to a stranger. Also depending where you live there is the Den for Grieving Kids. http://www.familycenters.org/index.php?option=com_content...

The are open to Westchester and Connecticut families. Its worth looking into, and if you are not in the area maybe they can refer a similar service in your area.

Good luck and please continue to love those children and honor their mother.

Whatever you are doing is right. Just keep that up. He needs your caring right now. L.

What you are doing is great. Let him talk about his mom, how he feels about her, and if he wants to cry, let him do it. Looking at pictures of her is a good way for him to remember her and talk about how he misses her. You may want to contact his school counselor or social worker to ask them for advice on how to let him grieve. If his mom received any hospice care, the program will probably be glad to provide the family with some tips on how to help him, as well as information regarding the grieving process. We used hopsice for both of my grandparents and they were and continue to be a wonderful resource. Best of luck.

It sounds as if you are doing an amazing job with all of your children and they are so lucky to have someone as devoted and caring as you. With that being said, if you contact any funeral home, they can put you in touch with grief counselors, there are support groups for children as well as adults for all types of situations. If your son is reluctant to go they can at least advise you how to handle the situation and perhaps help you to gently coax him into counseling or a support group. It sounds as if he may need some outside support,on top of all the love and support you already give him. Even though he doesn't want it, it may be the best thing, children are always reluctant or scared to talk to an outsider. If he sees that there are other children that are going thru the same thing, it may help. I hope this helps, I'm sorry I can't say I speak from experience, but I think this is the way I would go in your situation. Warm wishes to you all, I hope you find your solution.

Is there a Gilda's Club near you? They can be an excellent resource for you...

http://www.gildasclub.org/

They specialize in working with kids and families that are loosing, or have lost someone to cancer. My niece and nephew went there during and after their mom's cancer battle. It's like a play-group for the kids, counsellings for the family, and individual therapy for the adults.

Your stepson probably doesn't want to talk to his dad, for fear of upsetting him.. kids take on responsibility for their parents' feelings.

Your husband needs to know what's going on.. and even though your stepson doesn't want to go to therapy, he's only 10 or so, and can't make good decisions for himself.

Oh F.! How sweet that he trusts you so much. It sounds like you are doing very well letting him express his feelings. You definitely don't want him to feel bad for missing her so much. I have no doubt that he will have many more times in his life when he is this upset about it as he has so many more life events to celebrate - times we expect all of our family to be there.

Remind him she is always with him. She is always there and that he can talk to her whenever he wants. He won't hear her words back but she can hear him and sometimes he might see something maybe in nature that she sent his way. Someone once said their child was talking to her dad who had died and suddenly a feather dropped at her feet. She saw that as a gift from him.

Tell him how much it means to you that he comes to you and that you will ALWAYS be there for him as will his dad - if that is the case. I don't know his situation. Tell him his mom knows how much he loves her and misses her and that he will always love her but that she doesn't want him to be sad. She wants him to be happy and enjoy life and that it's ok to think about her.

Wow...I just want to cry typing this to you. :( My own mom doesn't have the best of health and I've almost lost her many times. Thankfully I am in my 30s so I've been lucky to have her but I can't imagine being as young as he was.

Don't push him about counceling because it might push him away from you and right now, you are all he has to help him deal with this. Just remind him if he ever changes his mind and wants to talk to someone else, you will go with him if he wants.

My last thought is this, I don't think there are any magic words for you to find. He is hurting and a little part of him probably always will. It really does sound to me like you are doing wonderfully and I have no doubt that you being there for him is doing more for him than you could possibly imagine. I can't imagine what he would be thinking right now if he felt like he had no one to turn to. Just hug him if that is what he wants...maybe that's what you need to do is just find out what HE needs from you. Does he want to be held? Does he just want you to listen or sit quietly with him? Does he want to read some books by other children who have had such a loss?

I wish you all the best.

L.

Hi, my oldest son is now 14 yrs old, his mother died when he was 7 yrs old, he expressed his feeling differently from your son. However, what you can do is continue to be there for him, let him know that his mom is up in heaven and looking down at him smiling and that she's always there in his heart and in memory. What my family do just about every year is we gather around and light a candle on the death date of his mother to remember her. That has helped alot and me being there as his "mother" now also helped, so now he's able to sit down with me and talk about his mom so easily(his mom had other children by a different father). I make sure he contacts them as often as possible too.
Good Luck.

Tell him that just because she doesn't have a body anymore, doesn't mean that she is not all around him now. She is part of the sunbeams and diamond glints on the snow, she is part of the sparkling stars that shine over his head and even becomes the blanket that covers him at night with warmth and love. Tell him HER SPIRIT surrounds him everyday like a protective bubble . She can be with him always better this way than if she had a body!

My dad died when I was 5, 35 years ago. It is so important to keep him talking about it. I always talked about it with my mother and am fine, but my older brother refused to and was deeply affected, his personality changed (according to my mother).

It always made me feel great to hear that my father would be proud of me. Kids also think it's their fault even when it's clear to everyone else it isn't. He also may have some anger that she left him. I would tell him that his mom didn't want to leave him because she loved him so much but she couldn't stay even though she fought to stay with him. Tell him that she is so proud of him and that she's watching over him. Tell him it's good to cry to get the feelings out and that you miss some important person in your life that died. Tell him that she is proud of him and that it's important to cry when he feels like crying. I also agree with the other person who responded who said you should have a framed photo or some other things that remind him of her. You should talk about her as often as possible, particularly the funny quirky things about her. He may also get upset as time goes by that he is starting to forget her that the details of her memory are slipping away. Also be ready for anger, perhaps by expressing it in a story yourself, eg. when my grandpa died, even though I knew it wasn't his fault, I was mad that he left me. Tell him it's normal to feel these feelings and that it's ok.

Hello.
My heart goes out to your step son. I lost my mom when I was 13, and my younger brother was 9. I didn't mourn my mom at first...it got harder as time went by. I think what you are doing is great...that you are there for him and can talk to him about it. I also agree with another post just to help him keep her memory alive. The worst thing for me is that I cannot remember a lot about my mom. As time goes by though, ironically, I do remember more here and there, especially now that I have my own kids...I hear her voice coming out of me and it always makes me smile.

But I think all that you're doing is right F....it is a horrible thing to lose a parent, so keep being supportive and you'll help him get through this. I also had many mother figures in my life that helped me. He will surely treasure you for being there for him. I don't think it's something he will ever forget.

F.,

You are doing a great job. I hope your son will be okay.

Have you ever heard of the book, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf"? It might be too advanced for him to comprehend on his own, but you can further explain the message to him. Freddie is a leaf that is so happy, and then one day as fall approaches, leafs (people) start to fall to the ground (die). Of course Freddie becomes upset. Someone gave me the book as an older child when my dad died, and it was very helpful.

The other thing that I do TO THIS DAY (I'm over 30 now) is every time something good happens whether big or small, I say to myself that was Grandma or that was Dad. Maybe if you make your son feel like his Mom is still a big part of his daily life, he will feel better. I know when I am driving down 684 and am so late, and there is not a stitch of traffic, someone somewhere made that happen for me.

I hope he will be okay!

You are in a very hard position, and praise you for handling it so well. I was thinking, what if you did something that would celebrate his mother. Have him write letters to her, do something special that he liked to do with his mom. I don't know, I have never been in your situation, but I think just talking about it may not be enough. I wish you the best of luck.

How lovely that he is turning to you to facilitate his mourning his mother's death. It is not uncommon for children to mourn such a loss repeatedly as they move through the various developmental stages and are able to experience their ideas and feelings about the loss and articulate these in newer and more evolved ways. In a way, this grief must be welcomed, and not made to go away, and you have done wonders it seems in making him feel that he has someone with whom to share these feelings. Try not to "make it go away" by telling him his mom would want him to be happy. My guess is his mom would want him to go thru whatever he needs to in order to integrate this event in his life in such a way that is healthy, and you have made great strides in taking him well into that direction. I agree that he should talk this over with a trusted, well-trained child therapist. As a psychologist, I know lots of excellent child therapists in most areas of the city and beyond. Let me know if you need help with a referral in your area. Good job, and good luck!

I think perhaps that at this age and stage of grief he may be trying to connect to her some how. So Talking about her and looking at pictures even though painful are a good thing. I think it is so wonderful that he has chosen to embrace you instead of resenting you for being his female role model.

Perhaps you could suggest some sort of project for him to help him stay connected to her memory. Was his mom into gardening. Could you create a special garden in her honor. Did she have a special charity that he could somehow get involved in. Is there a cemetery plot to be tended. My favorite thing to do when I want to connect to my grandmother is to go tend the cemetery. She is in a family plot and that was a special thing we did together. so I know it makes her proud that I would do that.

HTH

A.

Hello – how very tragic. It’s so hard for adults to grieve. Imagine what it’s like for a child who cannot process the situation or his feelings. I know that he does not want to go to a professional, but HE MUST!! He’s still very affected by his mother’s death (as he should be) and he needs to learn how to channel his feelings or it will affect his adulthood. Tell him that you will go in with him since he trust you so much (how wonderful for both of you). You’re doing a great job – so continue to do so by getting him the help he needs. Go to his school for a professional recommendation. Good luck!

Sounds like he is grieving for the first time. Mourning is such a process in itself, you can only imagine what it holds for a child. He was 6 you said, it looks like he didn't know what to do or how to react back then and has been holding on to his emotions. Finding the album triggered those emotions and they came forth. Let him let it all out. Just be there and listen and soothe. He's carried this with him for 2 years and seems to be purging the emotions. Put your arm around him, let him know it's ok to cry as hard as he is crying. Explain with facts so he can understand its ok to cry in this manner and for this long for your mother. Tell him she is in a better place where there is no pain and she will be with him always. Depending on your religion, follow suit with soothing words from your religion (ie: mom is in heaven and is with you always). Just be there for him to release all his anger, pain, tears, conversation. The fact that he chose you and only you is a great sign and will bond you two, he at least wants to talk about it, so just be a great listener. Good luck.

That is a tough one and i really don't have any advice, but my husband-who just turned 50- lost his mother more than 25 years ago and he still gets very sad around the time of her death. i have not lost a mom, but i can imagine it is devastating especially at a young age. i would just hug him a lot and let him cry as much as he needs to. he is lucky you are there for him!

You're doing a great job. I would suggest he see a counselor though - especially at his age. And be careful not to think he's doing better if he stops crying.
Also, tap into things he likes to do. Does he like art, writing, or music? All of those are good venues for him to think about or "talk" to his mom - and work through his own feelings. And maybe those are good venues for him to use to communicate his feelings easier to the rest of the family.

sounds like your doing a great job.... just like his mom would have...(you only go to mom with the worst cause she can always help and handle it) he trusts you alot... and feels safe to cry and that you'll let him cry as long as he needs to. dads and brothers sometime aren't comfortable when the tears come.... he'll go to them at other times..let himlook at the book for as long as he wants even if it makes him cry...and keep talking about her.. she's not a family secret to be kept away.. you are showing him how to go thru greif... you should go to the counceler for your own support and maybe some advise,also try the school council service (it may be free and they should work with you) books at the library too... know your doing a great job and some mother who is watching over you knows how much your helping her son...

Speaking from experience, losing a parent is very difficult. I was in high school when I lost my step father, and had to watch my three younger siblings ages 8,7 and 5 grieve for their dad, who also died of cancer. It was horrible. Be very thankful that he has chosen someone to confide his feelings in. One of my younger siblings never did so and still to this day as a 20 year old man has anger issues that stem from the loss of his father. Use your in with him as an advantage. He needs to see a professional. You can and still always should be there for him emotionally, because he desperately needs that, but he without a doubt should see a counselor of some sort. Otherwise there could be more serious issues in the future. Talk to him about seeing someone maybe together as a family at first. It might be intimidating for him to talk to a stranger that he doesn't know. Good luck and God bless your family.

Have you considered formally adopting your stepsons? I know that you are already their "mom" because you are married to their father, but a formal adoption would clarify it to them that 1. you are serious about being their mom, and want the world to know it, and 2. that they actually have a mom now. It might help. Talk to your husband, and perhaps the boys about it.

Just tell him you love him and will always be there for him.

limit the amount of memorabilia visiable, keep it all in a special place, and let the kids know where that special place is, but keep it out of sight.

honestly he seems depressed,

understandably of course.

He needs to be kept active, in sports and activities,

ask him what he misses the most about his mom,
what special things she would do for him,
and try and do them aswell.

there is no real way to deal with this, only time will heal

he is a child who misses his mom, there isn't much you can do about it.

I suggest try filling his mind with other thoughts.

try and remember that when you say how wonderful your babies are, he misses his mom saying that to him,

share special memories of him as a child if you can.

When you were a baby stories---- , MAke stuff up if you have to and that will definatly make him feel better.

I know my son misses his father, I am remarried and live in a diffrent state.

I tell my son" When he was a baby stories", and it makes him feel better,

He usually misses his dad when I am paying particular attention to my new little guys. and feeling jealous,

So I try including him in those statements,

like I have the 3 best children in the world, I tell my oldest he is special to me, more special than his brothers.
because he and i knew eachother for 10 years before his brothers came,we've been thru alot together.

I also include him by asking him to help with the kids and then praise him often.

He knows I love them all equally but diffrently,
as you do with All children,

but it lets him know he holds a special place in my heart that his brothers don't fill.knowing that comforts him.

Good luck and I hope this helps

M

It's so nice that you are so close with your stepson. He is luck to have you since he lost his mom. Have you tried family therapy? While it may be helpful for him to get some individual grief counseling, it can be even better to have the whole family involved and it will bring you all closer together and help him to know that you are all there for him and that you will all help him get through this time.

It sounds as if you have already gotten some really good advice, so just thought I would share my experience with you. I too lost my mother when I was 10 after a long battle with cancer. My sister was 16. We are very close, I think largely due to her death. I was not so fortunate with a stepmom as it sounds like J is. One thing I regret, even now at 38 yo, is that there is never much talk about her. It always seems up to me to start the conversation, ask the questions, etc. Having occassional conversations about her, stories from the past, how she would be so proud, etc. I think would be really helpful. You can't just bury such a significant part of your life and not have negative impact from that. And perhaps you can approach family counseling as something the dad 'needs', so J is not the initiator in the need to do counseling, but benefits from it just as much.

Just keep being there for him, listening and providing a shoulder to cry on. A good cry can be very therapeutic. And if you know anyone via the community, church, support group, who has gone thru something similar, I always find that helpful. If J knew someone who is/has also gone thru this, than he might not feel so alone with his thoughts/feelings - realizing that it is normal.

Hope this is helpful. Best of luck. It's a hard spot to be in, but it really sounds as if you are doing a great job and you are making a huge difference in another human's life, so kudos for you!!

Definitely continue to be there for him as a person he feels safe turning too.

I think it would help you to help him if you read some things to give you more perspective. My suggestion is "Helping Bereaved Children" by Nancy Boyd Webb. She is Such an expert at helping grieving children. In case you are worried about it, you should know and trust that this is a normal part of the grieving process... even if it is a few years later. There is also a book called "Living with Grief: Children, Adolecents and Loss." These books really help with understanding what kinds of comments are not helpful even though people think they are and why and what is helpful. Do a quick internet search too on Khubler Ross theory of death and dying (I'm prob mis-spelling it). There are 6 stages and people move back and forth through them.

The most important thing you can do is to be centered yourself- don't let anxiety propel you to push him towards talking to another person (prof or not), if he REALLY needed that you would know and act accordingly (Know- not by his continued grief but by the impact on his life; function and responsibilities). Stroke, hold (emotionally) and support. Cry With him if it's in you to do so- Thank GOD he can cry and does. And that he trusts you enough with that vulnerability.

Best wishes to you. I am a therapist (FYI) so if there's anything else really pressing on you feel free to discuss.

-N.

Hi F.,

My heart goes out to you and your family. Your story just broke my heart. Just attempting to give you advice on your situation seems so trite. If I were in your position I would continue to do what you are doing now. Do you go to church, because if you do and have a relationship with your pastor/priest whatever, I think having his/her professional help could be very reassuring. To lose a mother at such a young age is traggic but it appears you have done a wonderful job fulfilling that mother role. I do think you should encourage him to talk to his father and brother, plus family members from his mother's side of the family where he may find some validation, some aspect of familiarity, where he will certainly see traits and values of his mother. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and good luck to you all.

Poor sweetie. There is not a lot you can say to make him feel better, because he will continue to miss his mom for the rest of his life. How lucky he is to have you.
Two ideas do occur to me though:
Perhaps he would feel better if you told him the feelings of sadness and grief he has, though they are terribly painful, are also beautiful, since they are evidence of how close they were and how much love there was between them. And that missing her and crying are fine, as long as they do not keep him from being happy as well.

And I wonder if there are some special things she used to do that he might want to talk about? Things he misses in particular that the two of you might be able to find a replacement for?

You might also offer to have a special picture of her framed for his room if he does not have one already so he can talk to her and keep her close in his heart.

It sounds like you are handling it pretty well (by listening and letting him talk or cry) even if it feels overwhelming to you. If it feels like too much you can always talk to a counselor yourself to get some ideas how to handle things. You might also look for a book on how children handle grief. It is different from how adults handle it because they are still developing a lot mentally and emotionally. A preschooler doesn't really understand death as being permanent and may not have many clear, distinct memories of the person they lost. A 6-7 year old can understand and remember a lot better than a preschooler. So it isn't that unusual he is trying to make sense of his mom's death with his current level of understanding. If he is sad and crying when he looks at pictures or talks about his mom he is working out his feelings. If he is preoccupied with his mom all the time, for weeks or months at a time and looses interest in other things then you may want to enlist a counselor's help.

In the meantime you can do concrete things to help your stepson preserve his memories. The photo albums are a good place to start. Make copies, digital or otherwise, so he can have his own copies of his favorites. (My best friend lost her mom as a child and years later she had to sneak into her father's house when he was away and get old pictures to have copied for herself. Hopefully most families are not this dyefunctional. But pictures do get lost or damaged accidentally.) Also special keepsakes are very nice for children to have--maybe a toy or other item that belonged to his mom. Another idea is to talk to other family or friends to have them share memories of his mom (written, or video or in person).

My cousins lost their parents at a young age (3 and 5 when Dad died and 5 and 7 when Mom died). They are in their 20's now and were raised by relatives on the other side of the family. I see them about once a year. But we always take a little time when we visit to look at old pictures and talk about stories of their parents (and they do similar things with the other relatives). It is an ongoing conversation and there are a lot of stories that didn't get told until they were grown up because a child wouldn't understand them.

Hope this long response helps you and your family.

Dear F.,

I think that it is a very special and prescious thing that he trusts you with these feelings. You are obviously a sensitive and very giving person and he is comforted by your being in his life. I don't know that there needs to be words spoken at those moments--I think that your willingness and ability to be present counts more than you know. Words are usually inadequate and that is why you don't know what to say.
If he accepts your holding or touching him I think that will suffice. You could murmur, "Yes, it hurts horribly to lose someone so important, but your Dad and I love you very much and we are here for you."
Blessings,
A.

Hi,

I read through the responses you got and wanted to add a couple ideas. First, if his father and other siblings start to talk about their mom (it doesn't have to be formal, just in normal conversation, "remember how mom used to..." or I wish mom was here to see how great that was...") it might help the youngest boy see that she is still in everyone's heart and he may relax a little about his own feelings. Second, his father and siblings must be grieving as well, and they are going to need help (counseling, or...?). This should not be put off because it will cause problems in the future. If anything, the 6 year-old is going to be much better off in the future because he is dealing with his grief now. Finally, I absolutely believe that his tears are a sign that she is nearby and that she is showering her love and special angel hugs down on him often. Let him know that she is with him, especially when he cries.
Best of luck to you - wonderful woman!

You're doing the right thing by being there for him, and letting him cry, and talk about her. Ask him all the things he remembers about her. Tell him it's ok to talk about his mom to his dad because they can share their memories together. He may feel that it will upset dad too much, but explain that it won't, and that it's something special they will always share. Let your husband know that your son has been upset about his mom lately as well. If it goes on for more then a week or so and he is still crying then you should get him a counselor even though he says he doesn't want one.

Thank God he is able to talk to you about it. Such a trauma at such a young age. He has to be able to cry and remember her etc...when it happens naturally for him.
How about you going in with him to a therapist who specializes in therapy for grieving / children experiencing grief from the loss of a parent in young childhood. They do not expect the children to verbalize necessarily but can allow the child to express themself by way of art/games etc...Seeing a child therapist would be the way to go. I understand he doesn't want to have to speak about it (in a planned way)- let alone to open up to someone "else" about it as he has experienced a profound loss. If you offer to just go and see someone together with his not having to be expected to talk, would be encouraging for him.
In the meantime, you are doing a Wonderful Job-
Is he able to perform at school and look forward to doing things of interest/seeing friends, going places etc? If so, it sounds he is doing fine. It cannot hurt at all however to have him speak to a professionally trained child therapist-experienced in treating children who've lost a parent.
He will probably have these feelings coming & going to a greater & lesser degree throughout most of his youth. At least you are in his life now--very good!

Hi F., my heart breaks for your stepson. How hard it must be to lose your mother at such a young age. Thank goodness he has you and he seems to confide in you. My advice is to let him cry. My next advice would to be to get him into group therapy. There are groups out there for children who have lost one/both of their parents. Maybe taking him will let him see he is not alone. Go with him so he has you for support. Everyone handles grief differently and he is taking the loss of his mom very hard. You were right to tell him his mom would want him to be happy. Hopefully soon he will be able to look through those pictures and smile. Good luck.

Dear F., My sympathies to J on the loss of his mom. He is lucky to have you and it is comforting to know that he wants to talk to you about this. You must be a great mom too. Tha fact that he wants to talk is great. The crying is normal and the tears actually have a healing effect. They release endorphans. When I lost my son 5 years ago I would sit and look at his pictures and cry and cry. He is just a child and this is so traumatic and I know it is difficult for you to see him this way and not know what to say. Yes his mom would want him to be happy and she knows that he is sad now. J's mom is his very own angel and his tears are a tribute to her. Tell him if he plays ball that she sees him. Mom is proud of him when he does good in school etc. There is no easy way and it takes a lot of time. Much more that we know. There may be a person you could talk to for advice. I don't have the # with me but there are booklets called Care Notes made by Abbey Press that deal with grief.They can be found in the back of churches and Funeral homes. Stay close to him. Hug him if he lets you and tell him you know you will never be his mom but you will try to be as close as possible. I will pray for you. You have been given a big responsibility and God knows you can handle it. I hope I have helped. My best, Grandma Mary