My Step Daughter Says She Hates me....what Should I Do????
March 25, 2008
Oklahoma City, OK
My step daughter has been having friends stay the night with her because of Spring Break.The other day her mother picked her up because she lives with us but she wanted to spend time with her mom during Spring Break. We understood and of course let her go but one of her friends ended up staying with me until her mother got off of work to pick her up. While we were waiting on her mother I took her to Subway for lunch because we all wanted a sandwich and while we were in line her friend told me that she has been telling her that she hates me. I just don't understand because I do alot for her and she pretty much gets what she wants when she is at home but every now and then her father and I will tell her no about something and I think thats when she expresses these feelings about me. I just don't know what to do I mean I take her out with her friends to do things when she wants I buy her new clothes and shoes and always her choice of what we get. I just don't understand we also have a family night at least one night a week where it's just family and we watch movies that are based around her age group and all so I just don't know why she would say such things about me when I'm not around. Her father says that he thinks that she just has a problem with him being in a relationship with someone other than her mother but we've been together for almost five years so it's not like it's new to her. I'm just wondering what I can do?
To start with 10 year olds don't always know how to express themselves. I doubt that she hates you, more likely she would like to have her Dad back with her Mom. Is she rude to you? Does she pout, or lash out verbally directly to you. Sometimes Kids will say things just because they think that is what others expects of them. Put it away for now, or at least, try not to worry about it. If you are a good and responsible person, she will come around. Don't try to buy her affection, children need to know they are loved and sometimes that means saying, "No." A child knows who they can depend upon to take care of them. It sounds like you try to do that, and that will win in the end.
Don't worry about it. She is a kid and they say and do all kinds of things. I have one of those also. One of the reasons is that she is upset about the relationship that she has with her "real" mother and therefore is confused about her relationship with you. Mine is told at her mothers that she isn't to like me and she can't love me because I am not her mother. Yet she knows that I do love her and that I have always treated her like she is mine. In the long run they will always know. Also kids confuse "love" with all kinds of other emotions.
Just love her, that's all you can do. I am in the same boat with my step-daughter and step-son. I have raised them almost single-handedly for the last 11 years (they are 15 and 16) and if they don't get exactly what they want all the time, it is me they hate, not bio mom or dad. In time they will know who is really there for them. Hope this helps!
Dad is right I've been through this myself when I was a Child. I wanted my dad with my mom and my step mom was great did everything for me and my friends yet I had so much attitude. It is a stage that will pass me and my step mom are really close and I've had to go back to say I am sorry when i GOT OLDER. She is a child and at this point don't understand just keep being mom and she will thank you one day. By the way my children get upset with me to and I am mom not step.Children go through stages when tring to find them self that athority figure is not their favorite person.Lots of prayers and it will pass but it will keep you on your knees in prayer alot.
I have been in your shoes. When I married my husband he had 3 daughters, then ages 12,10,and 7. I have known them all their lives and thier mother, father and I all went to high school together. I was even a live in nanny type for them for 2 years when my husband was still married to his ex. I tell you all of this to explain that it wasn't like I was a stranger coming in and taking over daddy. At first the girls were thrilled that I was step-mom, then when daddy stopped spending every dime he had on them just to try and make them happy(they lived a very hard life with mom)they didn't like it so much. Their mom plays head games with them and lets them know that to love me is to betray her, and other stupid stuff like that. I am a person with high morals and integrity and I never even thought about my husband in a romantic way when they were married
. His ex and I were friends since kindergarten. We didn't even go out on a date until they had been divorced for 5 years. She tried to tell the girls that I stole daddy away and broke up thier family. They didn't believe it.
The youngest 2 lived with us for about 3 years, and now the oldest has moved in with us. She is 20 and wasn't taught how to be an adult. She needs a lot of reparenting.My husband is in the army(retiring at the end of this year after 22 years)so it all falls to me.
The first few years I got my feelings hurt and it was a kind of multi-dimentional emotional tug-of-war.Through it all I have always had the girls best intersts at heart. I have maintained a firm and loving position with them. Once the middle girl was 13, dad was deployed to Iraq, and I caught her sneaking out the bedroom window(2nd story) and letting guys in after I was asleep. I responded by taking her door off the hinges, grounding her for a month, and making her sleep with me for a month. She screamed in my face that she hated me. I told her that was just too bad because I love her. Taking the higher ground, consistantly doing the right thing, even if it isn't easy or fun, and trying to remember that youn girls are emotional land mines will pay off big time. It may take years to see the results, but the foundation is being laid now.
We took the girls to therapy and assured them that everything they said was between them and the therapist. We didn't want to know, we just wanted them to be able to get it out.
Now the girls all love and respect me and they don't fall for thier moms lies and head games. I have proven ,by my actions, that I really do love them and put them and thier best intersts first.Don't try to be thier mother or thier friend. You are step-mom, Tough love and trying to see beyond the words to the underlying issue is a good position to take.
Read Dr. Phil's book on family and his son has a book for teens. It is great. You read it before giving it to her.
I believe in personal space and privacy, but I do read journals, diaries, notes, e-mail, and snoop in thier rooms. Thier safety is more important than privacy.
I know this is long, but it isn't something you can answer in a few sentences.
The 20 year old that lives with us now tells me all the time that she doesn't know how she ever lived her life without me to guide and advise her. She has apologized many times for all the hell she intentionally put me through in the past, and thanks me often for the things I do for her. Not not the showy, surface stuff, but the behind the scenes, life impacting little things.
I am a stepdaughter . . . we moved in with my stepfather when I was two, so I grew up with him. But . . . whenever I didn't get what I wanted, was punished by him, or them together, or my parents fought it was always HIS fault. It is just natural because you never want to see the original parents at fault, though she may love you very much (I love my stepfather), you will always be the extra parent. That doesn't mean she won't come to you for advice or love to hang with you, or that she truly hates you . . . it's just when you act as a parent and she doesn't want that, she is going to rebel, plus it is age appropriate too. Another thing is at this age she never wants her mother to feel as if you are more loved than her and by simply saying, "I hate her," she covers herself and her mothers feelings. Now mind you, I am 26 years old now and have 3 children of my own, and realize how much my step-parents loved and love me . . . sometimes it just takes awhile for a child to get the full picture no matter how long you have been around.
PS- don't try to give into her want too much because then she figures she can just try to use you for whatever she wants due to your own insecurity . . . kids are smart and manipulative. That doesn't mean don't take her out or buy her anything, just try to keep it reasonable (plus you don't want to make her mom feel like it is a competition).
Hi, i also have 2 stepdaughters..they are 17 and 18 now,but when i married my husband,they had just turned 2 and 3. My husband has custody of them..so, i helped him raise them..and believe me it wasn't easy..especially when they became a teenager. I also had that problem for awhile at one time..but now they both have moved out since december of 2007. The only advice i can give you is just keep doing what your're doing for them and try to talk to them and ask them why they feel that way about you..i hope i helped you somehow...you can write me back anytime..M.
E., The most important thing is dont take it personally. Children that comes from a split up home have this problem. They one day decied for no apparent reason that their parents should get back together. This is normal,now problems do occure,the only thing i can tell you is from personal experience is she needs to be in councling not that there is something wrong with your daughter but that there is issues that she is not able to deal with and i know as much as you love and care for her that someone that she considers neuteral will help her alot. also you can start by talking to the school councelor and tell them what you have put down here they can help some but there time with each student is limited. Now you little girl is reaching out for help, yes by telling her friends she is wanting help, and i did go through this with step chidren of mine. The main thing is know that any councelor you get deals with children and knows how to find out the truth in what they say. You are in my Prayers,
The reason I did not say talk to her is she is not going to tell you she wants her mom and dad back together,I was married for 9 years with no problems when all of these problems started and she did go to her friends first. Thanks hope this helps you, J. W.
Don't take it personal. At this age she is hearing all her friends talk about how they hate their step parent. She is probley just following along. And really as a parent of 4, I get told once a month with the two teenagers they hate me. And they pretty much get everything they want. I just laugh about it now. Though at first I was devestated. Chin up! She is just being a kid. You can let her know, you know what she said. But don't tell her that her friend told you. That will just cause a fight between them. Let her know how it made you feel to hear that. Just make sure you stay calm, and stress the you not her, or she will get defensive. And try not to bring dad into it. This is just between you two. Although he should know what your doing. Hope this helps.
Being a young stepmommy can be tough at time! You seem to care for your stepkids and that is great! however giving kids whatever they want is not healthy, sometimes like you said you have to say "no" and that is a most! Many times our kids from preschool to teens will say that they "hate" us. It doesn't mean that they really hate us, it means at some point we did something they didn't like or told them a "no" to one of their request and they have a hard time to accept authority. But life is not always "pink" and we have to learn to accept rules, and negative answers in order to mature and be productive in our world!
On the other hand your stepdaughter's friend probably told you something your stepkid told her as best friends do their talking. Try not to take it personal and if you or your husband notice tension among you and the kids or stepdaughter, then talk openly about it.
I am a mom of 4, 2 married, 2 little ones now. My oldest daughters had a stepmom they liked most of the time. Sometimes they would complained about something, I would not make a big deal about it, kids love to manipulate! Today as grown up, we all share on special ocassions, and they love to share with their stepmom, and they keep in touch even though she's no longer married to their dad.
Many hugs, many blessings, and God's strength!
im 37 and have 3 step children 2 boys and one girl..she hates me, at first i tried, her mom dumped her on me and her dad right after we got married because her mom wanted to run around.she was 13 when she moved in and i tried everything to make her happy. bought her new clothes fixed her a nice room and her first christmas a new stero. but i wasnt her mom and she wanted her mom. so it was my fault. i found a letter she wrote trashing me and how her mom was sooo beautiful. it brothered me real bad at first but now i see there is nothing you can say to change it. she well never hate her mom no matter what she does, but you, one day you wont give her what she wants and she'll hate you. mine stole from me and never took a thing from her mom and she is 20 now and we get along when were in the same room but other than that im sure im the evil step mom. We've had it hard, i hope its better for you
This isn't just a step-daughter issue, it is a 10-year old emotional girl issue. Do you not remember the powerful mood swings of preteen years? Girls "love" or "hate" everything and change their mind every 10 minutes. The word "hate" hurts you so badly, but she likely doesn't understand the intensity that the word "hate" carries to adults. What she probably "hates" is being told no, having rules, etc... and she needs to have those things. Bottom line, all kids at some point "hate their parents".
If you are concerned that she doesn't know how you feel about her, talk with her. Let her know that you feel blessed to have her in your life, that you can't replace her mother, but that you love her like a daughter, and how special she is to you. She may look at you like your crazy ('cause she's 10) but the words will remain with her. If you can't say it, write her a letter. But don't let up on the rules etc... she needs the security of rules, the family activities etc.. even more as she gets older.
I agree with the posts I've read. It's completely normal for a 10 year old girl to say she hates her mom, step-mom, dad, whoever. It's just puberty, you probably thought that you wouldn't have to deal with this until she was around 13 because (I'm 25 as well) that's when people our age hit puberty. But it's getting earlier and earlier these days. I'm afraid that when I have a daughter she'll be hitting puberty at like 6! LOL. Anyway, I wouldn't take it seriously, my sister wrote "my mother is a hypocrite" on her wall at 10. It's normal. But as another poster said, I would hesitate to take everything the girl said literally. Was there any reason for her to tell you this? Or did she volunteer the information? It doesn't make sense to me why she would bring it up over lunch.
I was in a similiar situation growing up.
If she doesn't tell you to your face that she hates you then she might just be expressing her unhappiness with the parent situation.
It took time for me to come around and now I love my step mom with all my heart. So it probably is her age. Just be patient and show her all the love you can.
My step mom was the greatest and still is.Recently my father and her were having marriatial problems and it made me sick to think they might end up divorce. So I was praying extra hard for them to resolve the issue and now its okay. Just be patient.
Being a teenager and having seperate parents is really hard today.
Hope this helps.
E., I am in your same situation and its been 10 yrs for me. You have little ones, who sometimes cant understand, mine started when my stepson and stepdaughter were 16 and 15. I sure hope your husband can fix it now before it gets worse. Mine didnt and my stepson is 27 and my stepdaughter is 26 and still dont have anything to do with me. My stepson is getting married at the end of May and I still dont know if I am even invited.
Make him fix it now E., please believe me. I lived in HELL for the past 10 yrs with a husband who still makes excuses for why they invite him to dinner and say it is a private matter they need to talk to their father about. He just recently told his daughter that anything private she has to say can be said in front of me. It is too late now. You would think as old as they are they would realize that their father is happy with me and get over the fact that he is no longer with their mother, who is addicted to prescription meds and has been in mental wards and all kinds of rehabs. I took care of them when she was in those places.
Just make sure you NIP IT IN THE BUD now!!! Its very important for all of you.
I understand how you feel. I am a stepmother for 6 yrs. I havnt heard that she hates me. But we argue alot about what and how she does things, and then runs to her father to tell him certain things. Only her mother has just now been involved in her life. I beleive it is that she really likes you, she just feels like if she gets too close to you, she will hurt her biological mothers heart. <3 I told my biological mother I hated her some times. When I didn't get what I wanted. She may be doing the same thing.
Besides why would a little girl tell you that her friend didn't like you anyway, unless she was competing for your affection. Don't ever stop doing what you do, if that is what YOU like to do. That makes you who you are.
Just love them and treat all your stepchildren like they were your own birth children and they will grow up to respect that. I think her response is only natural and something that she will eventually grow out of. All kids need a firm hand along with the love....they key is that their father backs you up 110% You will always be the step-mother but that doesn't mean they won't love you. I admire a women of your age taking on such a large responsibility! Keep the faith!
My stepson is almost 9, and it certainly keeps things interesting! His latest trick was to tell me that his mom buys him things "because she loves him so much" and accuse me of not loving him much because I don't buy him toys every time he's home (he lives here and has visitation there). He has also told me that he loves me and that life is better now that I'm here.
I think that life as a stepkid (being a stepkid on two sides myself) has a lot of ambiguous feelings. For myself, my stepmother and I had many years where we didn't get along very well. Now, as adults, she and I are quite close. My stepfather came along my senior year in high school. I was happy for my mom, of course, and I liked him quite well, since he was always kind to me, but there was still something that made me feel like he was butting in. There were days I loved him, but didn't like him at all.
Of course, there were days I loved my mother but didn't like HER at all, either, and that, I think it just mothers and daughters! LOL
With stepkids, it's hard to adjust to having two mothers (or two fathers) that you feel so differently and so much the same about. My son calls me by my first name, but introduces me to his friends as "my mom." I think he sometimes feels like he's being disloyal to his mother by loving me like a mom, and so he responds to me in a negative way. That might be what's going on with your daughter. She loves you, but she loves her mom, and it's all tangled up inside. So she lets her feelings out around her friends by saying she hates you. It might just be her way of trying to vocalize the conflict she has inside. "If I don't say I love her, and if I say I hate her, then I'm still being loyal to my mom."
There was a lot that helped me deal with his mom, and with my ex (who is my daughter's father). I also like the concept of "bonus families." I told my son about it and told him that's how I feel. He and his dad (and our new baby) added to my daughter and I feels like the biggest bonus I've ever gotten. I never expected to have a family like this, never even DREAMED of it, and I'm so glad I have it!
In my opinion, as long as your girl is being respectful and following the rules and all that, don't call her out on what her friend told you. You might, however, sit her down to talk to her about how glad you are that she's in your life and that you love her and that you're so glad she's sharing her dad with you. See if it opens her up. Assume she's just looking for a place to vent and air some of those tricky pre-teen attitudes. And, most of all, good luck! Step-parenting is difficult a lot of the time, and there really is NO instruction manual.
Your husband is probably right in that she is resentful that he is in a relationship with someone who is not her mother. Don't try too hard to build a relationship with her. You know how when someone tries really hard to be your friend you think they're weird or desperate? It works the same way with kids. Let her know that you are not trying to replace her mother in her life and that you really just want to have a good relationship with her because you think she's neat to have around. Also, if you're talking about the 10 year old, she's hitting that "oh, my parents are SO uncool" stage, so part of this may be normal pre-teen behavior.
Don't let on that her friend told you anything. You don't want to alienate her friend.
Dear E., welcome to the preteen and teen years...some times you will be the greatest person that ever walked the earth and other times you will be "hated". keep in mind that kids don't really hate, it's the word they use when they are ticked off at you....think about how often we use the word hate. "I hate that food" or "I hated that movie" in today's world we use it to describe displeasure so what she's saying isn't really as strong as it sounds....keep loving her and disciplining her as needed, don't let it hurt you so badly...you guys are ok...happy parenting...R.
I tend to agree with your husband. Although you have been married five years so that kind of throws me as to why she would be saying that. If it is really bothering you maybe you, your husband and stepdaughter could sit down and talk about it. Clear the air so to speak. Something I have heard my daughter speak about concering a few of her friends is some kids tend to think it is cool to speak tack of one or both of their parents. I do not agree with that at all! It makes me wonder if it is like a "fad" to do so. You know....making themselves go along with the crowd. If this is the case then you may be the victim since you are the step parent. I probably wouldn't get so concerned unless her attitude toward you seems on the negative side. Just my thoughts. Good luck!
Natural daughter's say the same. They all hate their mothers at some time when they're growing up. Tell her that sometimes you know that she doesn't like you very much, but that you love her anyway. Keep lines of communication open.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Even natural children say they hate their parents. It's the age. As long as when she is around you she treats you with respect, you can't control what she tells her friends. Just continue to be a loving, supporting parent. Don't try to be her friend. Sounds like she has enough of those. Figure out what works best for you to be the structure she needs while keeping a means for communication open. Ask her about her day. If she wants to talk she will and if she doesn't, let it go. Don't take it personally. She is dealing with lots of emotions from simply growing up. She uses you as a crutch for those emotions. But, in time, she will figure it out. If she is only 10, it may take a while. Be patient.
Most importantly is to have God in YOUR life. Ask Him for peace and guidance and He will get you through it. Good luck!
It sounds like maybe your step daughter doesn't want to like you. Like maybe she feels like she isn't being loyal to her mother if she makes room in her heart for you. She could be having a hard time dealing with the fact that she doesn't live with her mother (which you rarely hear of these days), and is taking it out on you. Really it could be any number of things. I know it must hurt you feelings terribly. You might want to sit her down one on one or with her father and point blank, in a nice but direct way, ask her about ya'lls relation. She very well could be jealous of you. If her friends talk about how nice you are and how much they like you she might just say that and not even mean it. Any way, good luck. S.
Just make sure she knows you and her dad love her no matter what! I have an 11 year old step son and can sympathize with you. Love, love, and lots of love is the answer to just about any problem when it comes to children-and yes tough love is still love. Keep up the good work! I'll pray for your family.
It is sounding like you are trying to be her best friend and not her M..I've been a step M. before and it can by trying to say the least! Your the adult and should take authority with lots of love but NO disrespect to you because she isn't getting her way! Do your children normally say they "hate" someone or is this out of charater for her to say.Ask her how she feels about you and how does it make her feel when someone says mean untrue things about herself? BOUNDERIES ARE IMPORTANT!!! It's a tuff time but LOVE can get you through this.
You must be talking about the 10 yr old step daughter. Welcome to being a mother (step mom even) of a preteen. I have two daughters 9 and 11, and tho my 11 yr old doesn't come out and say she hates me, she tells the 11 month old he is the only person in the family she likes. You got three problems- same as me. You are the custodial parent so you have to make sure she brushes her teeth, wears deodorant, does her hair, does her home work, gets her sleep, etc. Second, you have a split family. She will probably always resent that. My daughter blames my new husband for me and her dad splitting up. It took all four of us adults sitting down with the girls together (my hubby and me, my ex and his wife) to get it all out on the table, cause the girls were twisting stuff that was said at each house. Also, anytime they got in trouble they would scream that they wanted to live at their dad's. Thirdly, its the age. I don't think they are supposed to like us. Oh, and by the way, at this age they know everything! So I don't know if I have been much help, but you can know you aren't alone!
Step-children relationships are hard. I too have a step-daughter, and it took a long time for both of us to have a good relationship. After talking to friends who grew up with step-mothers I learned it is normal for the children to dislike their step-parents. You are always fighting in uphill battle. I'd confront your step-daughter. Sit down with her and have an open & friendly chat about the situation. Allow her to express her feelings (don't let her get out of line) and you should do the same. Tell her how you care about her and you can prove that by talking about your actions (buying her clothes, watching her movies, etc..) Come to agreement about what type of relationship you should have together. I wouldn't take her feelings personally; she wouldn't like anyone who dates/marries her parents. Another thing to think about would be family counseling. Good Luck.
At 25 you do have quite a full plate. Boredom isn't part of your repertoire I'm sure. You have good advice given here, so I can't add much. I'm sure it hurt you terribly to hear what she said. If you suffer low self esteem, hearing this would make it worse. I would of course take her aside and talk. Make her look into your eyes and see how deeply distressed you are over learning this, and how much you DO love her;
Why would she say something so hurtful. Sure, it may be a teenage thing, but talk is essential. I hope she will apologize and embrace you. Life is so short. Remind her. There will come a time when she will regret it for the rest of her life. All the best to you, and please let us know.
I have a 6 year old step son and those words have never come out of his mouth. He knows im not his real mom i have raised him since he was 3 and his mom has been in and out dpenending on what she feels like doing. I think with your step daughter you should ask her why she says it. it sounds to me like you tell her no she says she hates you, what is your reaction do you still say no to what she wants. You should stick to your no. a child should never say they hate anyone they may dislike a decision but they should never say they hate someone. i think you need to stick with your no and she seems to be testing you and kids will test you until they are adults i just stopped testing my mom a few years ago. i know i hate you hurst because you sacrifice for the child and you love them alot, but i think i hate you really means i want you to give me what i want and if i hurt you, you will give in.
Get over it! All kids say this at one time or another and you can't take it personally. You are her step-mother, not her friend. I suggest you keep providing love and support, continue with family night and pray! Because things will probably get worse before they get better. But I believe it will all work out.
My daughter is 6 and the other day she said she hated me because I wouldn't let her watch cartoons at the moment. I know she doesn't mean it and she actually got in trouble because she said it to me.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, don't let it get you down, kids just don't appreciate us while they are young but when she is grown and out on her own, she will realize what you did for her.
I will never forget one very special person who really was there for me, and I know at the time I was not always nice to her. Now that I am an adult I tell her how much she meant to me, how much I respect and admire her as a person, how I wish sometimes I could live with her again just to be around someone that genuine, kind and happy.
We live in a very negitive society and attitudes are contagious, I see the lack of patience, the quickness to lash out, the outright beligerent behavior of people, always saying unkind things and hurting people, I can only imagine what school is like these days.
There are so many people who are not active parents and just let their kids do whatever they want, when you are a kid you wish you had those parents when it is time to go to a school dance or a co-ed party somewhere. She probably just resents the little things you do to protect her because she doesn't understand the grown-up fears we have.
I have lived in both situations, a parent who never stopped me from doing what I wanted and a parent who sheltered and protected me from as much as they could. I hated being protected and sheltered all the time, but that is what I needed. Without it I got hurt, made stupid choices, and had a rough few years. Just hang in there and be a parent, I think being hated sometimes comes with the territory. lol
Just keep loving her. That's all you can do, without making a big fuss. I read once that it takes 10 years minimum for a step family to feel like a cohesive unit, it took mine around 12. Just love her and treat her like both the other girls, and try not to overindulge them, they'll see that as trying to buy their affection - say "no" once in a while.
Take heart sweety, Step-parenting is far more difficult that parenting your own. Just keep swimming.
My husband and I married both having a child each almost twenty one years ago. Like you we had custody of his son, who was seven at the time. My daughter was only seven months old so we never had a problem with her adjusting. My step-son was a different story. At first he seemed to do fine but that didn't last long. I was always known as the wicked step-mother and he told everyone he hated me even though I bent over backwards in trying to make his life as "normal" as all his friends. No matter how hard I tried it seemed all I could do in his eyes was fail! I stepped back prayed that I would be a Godly Mother and quit trying so hard. My husband and I had a daughter together a year and half later. I was careful to treat all three kids equally. I think all children just want BOTH of their parents in the same household, and in some cases I believe the children feel if they show love and respect to their step parent that they are letting the absent parent down. Don't give up! In our case my son's Mother ran off with another man and abandoned him. I think that is why it was so hard for my him to trust me because his own Mother left. My step-son just turned twenty-eight and has finally seen I have always loved him unconditionaly! He has two children now and I love my grand-children so much! He sees now how I love them is how I tried to love him all along!
I have 3 step-children...all grown now, but they were 8, 10, and 12 when I married their dad. They must understand that you are not trying to replace their mom...and that must come from you...let them know that you are now married to their dad, you love him, and them and never let them hear you say anything bad about their mom. You must earn their respect and their trust. It is a difficult situation for all of you.
Be patient with them, they always somehow think divorce is their fault...maybe this is an issue with your step daughter...kids assume a lot of guilt, especially when they are they oldest child...make sure she knows she had no responsibility in the divorce of her parents...and most of all be patient, when she will realize you have her best interest at heart. Good luck, M. T
Hello E., Speaking from personal experience....No matter how hard we try our step children usually find something to complain about. (My children have a step mother.) Try to explain that you aren't trying to take their Mom's place, you are trying to make a place of your own in their life. Once they understand that I think things go a lot easier. We have had a bit of trouble here. In most court orders, it states that the parents (including new spouses or mates)are not to put down the other parent what so ever especially around the children. I have made every effort not to do this. I even went so far as to buy small gifts for the children to give their step mom on special occasions. For several yrs my son, now almost 16 yrs has been telling me that his stepmom bad mouths me. I thought no, she couldn't be doing that. She is nice. Last week he came over for the weekend and said Mom...I recorded her talking about you. I tried to listen but she said some very horrible and untrue things and I couldn't bare listening. My son downloaded the recording on the computer and my 24 yr old son listened to it. I heard more of it and it just got worse. I am taking my ex to court and hopefully get custody of my son. Good luck to you. You are not alone in this kind of situation.I don't know if I was any help but it was good to have another Mom to talk to about this. God bless you!
Your husband is right!! I have been married for 14 yrs and my son was 4 when we met. I have only boys and my son did that to my husband to an extent BUT I have friends who are the other side with girls, and I will tell you they are deseptive! She is just acting out her anger and you are and always will be her target, You might want to quit giving in to her so much though, that will wind up hurting you more in the long run when she is a full teenager she will "use you" with that hate word to get what she wants. You are only 25 so she will most likely see you as the enemy more and more as she gets older. She will age faster than you "mature" into an older woman, now I do not mean that in an offensive way at all!!! I have just learned or "matured" if you will. I have learned that thoes things don't bother me the way they did when I was 25, I used to get very upset when my son did those things. What I am trying to say is that this battle will get a LOT worse before it gets better, she will age before she matures. She might be in high school or later before she quits seeing you as the enemy, She may love you, but someone has got to be the enemy and it won't be her mother or father. Good luck and stay strong!!
E., as a child I lived with my biological parents and I can remember saying that I hated them to my friends when I was angry. It's a natural thing for kids to do. However, none of my friends "spilled the beans" to my parents.
Just keep on the way you are now - loving her, buying her what she needs, helping her when she needs help and ensuring she gets time with her Mom.
I know it must hurt you to hear that she's saying these things - when my step-daughter told my husband that she never wanted to see him again (to his face) it nearly destroyed him and I felt hurt and rejected as well. But, kids say things they don't mean when angry or upset.
The truth is, she is really not treating you any differently than many kids do their natural parents. Most likely, it's like you said, she just gets mad when she doesn't get her way. Many kids throw words like "hate" around casually without really thinking about what they mean. Her friend didn't think about your feelings before she told you what your stepdaughter said. Kids just don't think sometimes. So I wouldn't take it personally. If you really feel the need to do something, you should talk to your husband and get his help in talking to his daughters. It would probably be best to just talk to all of them and clear the air rather than targeting the one daughter.
Wow, you really have your hands full, and you're so young! I pray God's strength to you daily.
I'm guessing the daughter that you are speaking of is the 10 year old. Girls, especially, are very dramatic. They either "love" or "hate" most things. Sometimes declarations like that are a way of getting attention and pitty from their friends. I taught school for 10 years and have three daughters. You likely don't have anything to worry about as long as she is respectful to you. The number of times you say "no" or "yes" shouldn't have anything to do with your daughter liking you or not. Make parenting decisions based on what is right and don't let fear or guilt rule your decisions. Your children may not like all of your decisions, but they will develop a respect for you and learn that they cannot manipulate you with guilt. Children are very perceptive of what affects you the most and will exploit it to get what they want. Your step-daughter likely also wrestles with the guilt of not being loyal to her mother if she allows herself to like you too much. When something minor goes wrong in my oldest daughter's day, it is usually declared "the worst day in her whole life." I typically tell her that I am not responsible for her personal happiness -- that is her responsibility. I also tell her that she is so lucky that the particular incident is the worst thing that has ever happened to her and that she should say a prayer and thank God that nothing worse has ever happened. Once she realizes that I am not affected by her extreme declaration and I don't take responsibility for making her day better, she usually calms down. Ups and downs are the nature of the beast with children. Keep doing your best and keep your head up.
My heart breaks for you. I am a stepmom to a 13 year old daughter myself. I think that as stepparents we have to realize that we are there because someone else is not. To a child with all of these emotions, we are the easy target. Children rarely blame thier natural parent because they have that bond with them. They dont have the rationilization skills to consider all of the things that you are doing, they just see that their other parent is not there and you are. They may even blame you for their parent not doing more. I believe that as she gets over and becomes more mature she will be able to value you and she will be grateful. Until then, just try to see things from her perspective and try not to take it personal. Realize that she may see liking you as an insult or competition with her mother.
Or, she might be have just been angry that you made her clean her room or something similar and mouthed off to a friend. My bioligical daughter told me that she hated me when she was five because I made her take a bath.
I know it must hurt for you to hear this, and I'm sorry about it. Here's a few things to think about...
It doesn't sound like you're having problems (behavior/attitude) with her at home, so I'd suspect that HATE is not accurate. In addition, if her friend confided in you, I'd venture a guess that she likes you and doesn't agree with your image of the "wicked stepmom"!
She may be trying to fit in and be "cool" with her friends. And, face it, generally it isn't "cool" to like a stepmom or dad, not to mention parents in general, especially for 10 year olds.
Finally, all kids, including most teens, are not very good at expressing their emotions. They usually respond to anything that they don't like as "hate". There's no middle ground, apathy maybe, but no middle ground. It's love or hate, fun or boring, night or day.
I would ignore what her friend has confided in you. And I wouldn't change anything you're doing. It sounds as if you're very supportive and considerate toward her. Just give her room to grow. Hope it helps.
I have been a stepdaughter for the last 35 years since I was 13 and have been a stepmother for the last 8 years. Being a stepmother is the most thankless job in the world. No matter what you do, you lose. But I still do for my stepkids because it is the right thing to do. When they are grown, they will realize that you made their dad happy. Until then, you are their mother's replacement and they never wanted their mother replaced. Kids want their parents back together and you are the impediment. Also remember it is cool to dish the stepmother when you are 10-12-15-18, etc. Just be kind, treat them well, and don't make their father choose. You will lose that war. Kids trump all. When they are disrespectful, be firm and tell them you will not tolerate that talk in your home. Other than that, you are fair game and an easy target. If they know they get to you, they will. Just learn to walk out of the room. As for the Subway incident, you should have quietly told the young lady that you appreciate her input and end the conversation. When you see your stepdaughter, tell her what her friend said and remind her if she wants to say such things, to say it to your face and not behind your back. As for discipline, that is Dad's job, not yours unless it is little things. She is not your daughter and never will be. So quit trying. You will develop a different type of relationship. Somedays the only thing that will work is remembering how much you love their dad and he is part of them. The number one reason second marriages break up is the stepchildren.
Hi E. P. I think you and your Husband need to set down and talk to your Step daughter about this, That is the first thing your Husband should have said that you & he should do, Just come out and ask how she feels there with you, She may feel like he said she see's you as trying to take Mommys place, And it also could be let on by her real Mom.. Good luck!! Joy...
Don't worry. You must understand that you are thinking/talking behind another child who must have some inner motivation (probably jealousy of your step daughter) to repeat these things to you. Little girls that age are pretty vicious. Trust me. I have an 11 year old and we get to hear our share of "war stories" from her and her friends too! I'm certain that there is some underlying jealousy/anger and of course the bottom line is that you are NOT her mom. She sees you as the "intruder" in the family and in her child like mind, YOU are the reason mom and dad can't work things out. Remember, the age difference between you and her is not a large one. In fact, she probably views you more as the "babysitter". This is all VERY normal and BEYOND your control. I wouldn't really say or do anything different...keep being the person/parent you always have been. If she ever works up the confidence to tell you (in person) these things that she is allegedly confiding to her friends...then look at it as a step in the right direction as it means she feels comfortable communicating with you. Even if it is not what you would like to hear. You might benefit from reading the book called "Reviving Ophelia" which addresses the concerns and issues regarding "tween" and teenage girls and why they behave the way they do. Good luck and Happy Parenting!
This is normal. I have three step-children - 2 daughters and 1 son - and at one time or another they all hated me. The kids were 8, 4, and 2 when I married their father and they lived with us for two years after we were married. The oldest one had her moments when she didn't get her way. She would tell her little sister that she hated me and called me a B**** when she didn't think I was listening after I told her she couldn't do something. She was just acting out. We've had our ups and downs over the years, but I've been in their lives now for almost 23 years and I they know I'm there for them. Just treat her fairly. Don't give her her way just because she says she doesn't like you. No child "likes" their parents every minute of every day. Every parent tells their children they can't do something at one point or another and not every child is happy with that parent's decision. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, but it is worth it. I have a great relationship with all my step-children now, but from time to time when they were growing up I had my moments of wonder.
Dear Friend : Stick to your rules. Rules are necessary to peaceful and conginial living. B
Dear Friend: Stick to your rules. Rules are necessary to peaceful and conginal living. All she is doing is aBIG guilt trip. She is the one making the sin. Yes, it not a BIG sin but to disrespect her care givers is a sin. God bless and stick to your rules. Another Mom
Just hang in there baby girl. I've raised 4 of my own, 2 nephews and 4 step children. the whole point is that she's trying to NOT like you so she's not abandoning her mom. ALL kids say they hate their parents at one point or another, it's part of the growing process. My step granddaughter lived with us for about a year. She wrote in her diary daily that she hated me. BOUT KILLED my soul. but as she's gotten older she's realizing that even though I make her behave and mind, she doesn't hate me. Recently she put me down as the person she most admired. WHAT a thrill. Don't ever let on to her that you know what's she's said. and you honestly have NO way of knowing if the "friend" is even telling the truth. She's at a difficult age. Just hang on and it will all turn around. if you want to email me you're more than welcome to. I'll help you all I can! ____@____.com
E., I am sorry I know it must have hurt your feelings to hear that but please dont jump on it. First of all, ALL kids say things to their friends that they dont really mean, especially if you have just told her no that day or something.
Like others have said, keep loving her, keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like you are doing things right. Blended families are difficult in the BEST of times but they can also be wonderful Blessings.
If you really want to talk to her about, don't approach it like a serious face to face chat, that will put her on the defensive before you even open your mouth. Try finding something you like doing together, say making cookies, and while you are working (preferably side by side, not necessarily looking at each other) then bring it up, ask her if there is anything she feels you could be doing, ask her how she feels..just dont make it a big deal.
Does that make sense?
Hope this helps
oh and btw, my own daughter, who is only 7, has said that she hates me when I have disciplined her and know very well that she doesnt. Although I admit I had hoped I wouldnt have to hear that til at least teenage years LOL :-)
at 10 years old she is trying to push her boundries with you and her father, do not allow her to divide and conquer you and your hubby. you two need to be a team. Unfortunately she may or may not eventually stop. but remember she is the child and her goal is to get her way. Your job is to support, love and care for her. all without gratitude LOL but as she matures you may find you will have a relationship that is different as she bgins to be exposed to how other families operate. It is hard when first you experiance it but just ignore it and express your love for her.
I have problems just like this with my step-son. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with the things you say you are doing. As long as you are making an effort and treating her like your own child, I think sooner or later she will probably come around. Your husband is right about her having a problem with him being with someone other than her mother. I think all you can do is just keep up the good work that you've been doing. Keep spending time with her, and planning things for her. But don't let her run over you. I know most people will say that you are not the parent and you don't have a right to discipline her, but I believe that you are just as much a parent as her father and mother. Don't go out of your way just to be friends with her, be sure you enforce the rules and don't just let her have her way just because you want her to like you.
I hope it all works out for you. Don't feel alone with your step-children, I have the same problems with mine, as I am sure alot of step-parents do. Being a step-mom is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it also can be very rewarding when you start seeing how that child benefits from your relationship.
Good luck to you, and Happy Easter!
Every child "hates" his or her parents at some point - it generally starts aout the asme time as puberty.
And it's doubly natural for step-children. No matter how nice you are to her, no matter how good a step-mom you may be, no matter what the reasons for the divorce were, part of her resents the fact that you have taken her mom's place in her dad's life. It's not something that she does intentionally, it's natural for her to wish that her dad was with her mom and not you.
She'll eventually grow out of it if you keep doing what you can to be a good step-mom. That includes not only the fun stuff, but also saying no at times. One thing I learned, both as a setep-mom, and as a mom whose daughter had a step-dad, is that the bio-parent needs to be the one who sets the rules as far as the childern are concerned, and the step-parent backs up the bio-parent.
A good friend of mine told me that as a child, he resented his step-mom and fought with her constantly. It was only after he became an adult that he realized what she was trying to do for him, and was able to appreciate it. He and she are now close friends.
I think she just hasn't got used to it yet and in time she will. She just might blame you for her biological parents being back together. She may have thought that maybe they would've ended up back together until you came into the picture. I can only say from someone that's been there before. When i was 12 my mom died and i was in her shoes when my dad got re-married and i said the same things but in time we became the best of friends as long as she understood that she could never take my mother's place in my life or my heart. I also told her that i would never call her mom or anything like that. I have said to people that she is my step-mom because it is the truth but i never say mom or mother to her. I say just let it play itself out, and if not see if you can talk to her dad about and see if he can't get some answers out of her to make things better.
I think you should have a one on one girl talk with your step daughter. Express your care and concern for her one on one. She is probably insecure- who would not be if their mom was not full time in their life at such a young age. She is growing up and girls go through stages and life withdrawals etc. Spend quality time with her more often. However, I must commend you for being such a strong woman to care for 3 step daughters and a son of your own at such a young age. They will appreciate you one day for raising them.
I really do feel for you. I married my husband 4 years ago...he had three children, 21, 16 and 15 when I married him. It was terrible....the oldest moved out, the 16 moved out when he graduated....and the 15 year stayed till she was 18 and moved out. Their mom had died 3 years before I met their dad. It is a situation that was very hard. I think I would of waited till the kids were grown and gone before I married him if I did it again. I got so stressed and sick. The youngest daughter accepted me I thought...told me she loved me and told me she wanted me to be her mom. I had told them from the beginning I was not there to take their moms place.....to make a short story I thought she did love and care about me...till I read on her website how she really felt about me and found out what she told her friends....IT HURT BAD! My husband and I have had talks with her almost every week...one ear out the other.....pray....get in church if you are not there...things happen for a reason...and you are in her life for a reason not only cause of her dad..... Just love the stepchildren, they will always remember the good you have done for them and in the long run I hope it pays off....I am still waiting....she is 20 now...GOOD LUCK!!!
Hey, E.! I think it's perfectly normal for her to say that. You are her step mother and appearantly she still sees/lives with/has loyalty to her mother. My oldest son hates his step dad and his step mother. His step dad has been here since he was about 5 years old, almost ten years now. His step mother has been around for about 5 years now. Just because he's used to them being in the family doesn't make him hate them any less. His step dad has done so much for him, things he now knows that his dad will not do! He still hates him. His step dad takes better care of me than his dad ever did and still he hates him! I don't think that there is anything that you can do, except keep doing what you have been doing. Just show her that you care and that you are taking good care of her and her dad and always make sure that you do what you say! It's going to get worse before it gets better, but one day she'll be an adult and she'll see that you are still there for her! Just keep that in mind! Good luck!
Don't take this to seriously. I am a step daughter my self. I had a great relationship with my step dad but it was my mother I "hated". Its just a way to vent when she gets mad. What I would do is sit her down and talk with her about her feelings. Let her know tht you love and support her no matter what. This is just the tip of the puberty ice berg. I'm sure one of these days you will do something that will make her very mad and she'll tell you herself that she hates you......but she don't mean it. Good luck!
E., this may sound harsh but you need to stop pandering to your step daughter. You say she gets everything she wants, let her start earning these things. She has found out very early that she can walk all over you and you won't say no to her. In the 5 years she has been with you, you have not earned her respect. Stop buying her love because if you expect love in return, it's not there. Set limits with her and tell her it's time she learns she won't get new clothes and shoes and such unless she has earned them. Tough love will get respect most of the time and with respect comes true Love.
E., I know this because I raised a step son from 9 years old. We removed the step so to me he's my son. He pushed the limit with me and demanded this and that. I told him he could demand all he wanted but it would not happen unless he gave a bit himself. Within a year I had a son that knew I'd do anything in the world for him if he followed the house rules and showed respect. Today my son is a soldier, fighting for the freedom of so many.
E., set your step daughter down and talk to her about hating and loving. Tell her to hate is to slowly destroy her own spirit and soul. To love is to lift the heart to new heights and experiences.