My Step Daughter Is Stealing from My Daughter

"Hey Suzie, please don't take Mary's stuff without asking her. Would you give her those pants back please?"

She sounds like a somewhat troubled young girl, and this is the least of her problems. Often family members share clothes. And my daughter (and her friends) uses my makeup and hair stuff when she's here and it doesn't bother me at all, as long as she puts it back so I can find it when I need it. As far as lying to get money, if you know it's a lie, don't give her the money. Or you could say something like, "Hmm, that doesn't sound like a very believable story, but here's 10 bucks, because you helped out doing the dishes so nicely yesterday."

I don't know why the boyfriend is living with you (is he paying rent?), but I think you need to take a positive approach with her.

Why do you call your husband "her daddy"?
"I told her daddy about it ...."
" I don't ever say anything to her daddy because I don't want to make it sound like I'm against her ..."

What happened to being husband and wife? To me, this is far less about your stepdaughter and far more about your husband and yourself not being a team. I think this is something worth talking to a counselor about. If your belongings are being taken and used without your permission and you say nothing, that's your fault for not speaking up.

I think the problem is with your relationship between yourself and your husband. Making your stepdaughter the focus of your attention and anger only misplaces and transfers the problem you are having with your husband (the lack of respect toward you, for example, or his acquiescing to her daughter) onto her. That is going to get you nowhere, fast. If you are both only focusing on changing the dynamic between the spouses and their children-- instead of your relationship with each other, things will never change. In essence, it is blaming the kids for the bigger problems between the adults. Your stepdaughter's stealing, using other people's property without their permission, even the boyfriend living there-- your husband is the author of those issues by permitting them to happen.

Put your attention where it needs to be-- on your marriage-- and the rest will fall into place. A man honoring his wife is going to put his foot down and make firm, clear boundaries with his children as to how they may treat her. Look to your husband if you want to start fixing this, and if he isn't willing to speak up, time for couples counseling.

you need to back up and start with you and your husband.
if the two of you are so far from being on the same page, i see little hope here.
family counseling, i guess.
'daddy'?
khairete
S.

Hi J J,

Wow. With all due respect, I have to throw a flag on this one. There is so much wrong with the scenario you laid out above I'm not sure where to start. At the risk of oversimplifying this, I think, she's 18, of age, old enough to move a boyfriend into your house? She's old enough to find a place of her own and start her independent life.

I will grant you, mine is only 14 so I haven't personally crossed that bridge but I fully intend to enforce the same expectations my parents and my DH's parents had for us: once you're out of high school, it's college and/or work, and if you live with us and are working, then rent will be paid monthly. I will agree with one thing you said above, it is your husband's daughter so it's up to him to address her behavior. Having said that, this is YOUR house, not hers.

Pray she doesn't get pregnant because I see a whole new parenting chapter for you and your DH in my crystal ball if she approaches her family planning with the same care and consideration as the other things in her life.

I agree with the other posts that you have a parenting issue. You and your husband don't know how to talk to each other. You have a history of being taken advantage of by your own daughter, according to you, and he helped you recognize it. However, if you talk to him about the same thing, he can't handle it and he "jumps all over her" (as he did with you) but then apologizes - so he is inconsistent with her and hypocritical with you. You and he side only with your own children and have no relationship with each other to be able to have a civil discussion (without "jumping all over" and getting "infuriated"), and you are unable to establish and maintain house rules for your part-time guest (your daughter), your full time family member (his daughter) and your full time boarder (the boyfriend).

Your daughter is 17 and stays with you "every so often" so she either is emancipated and has her own place, or she lives with someone else (perhaps her father)? So she has another place to live most of the time. If she still has her own designated room in your house, put a lock on it. You keep one key (for safety only) and she keeps the other, and she's in charge of her own laundry.

Your stepdaughter is 18 and lives with her boyfriend in your house. Put a lock on their door, and her father keeps a key (for safety only) and she keeps one (make a third for the boyfriend). They do their own laundry which is not mixed with other family laundry. A closed/locked door will hide the clutter - why do you care whether she cleans her room or not, if you don't have to look at it?

So you have 17 and 18 year olds who cannot talk to each other, and who run to Mom/Dad when there's a problem, and the parents capitulate. You have an 18 year old who doesn't work and who lives off Daddy and you.

I don't know why this situation would be anything but where it is - off the rails and in the ditch.

You either move them all out, or you have house rules and charge rent and stop cleaning/cooking/food shopping/laundering for anyone over the age of 13. Period.

If you cannot do that together, then get into marriage counseling immediately. You and he aren't setting a good example for conflict resolution, and so it's obvious that the kids haven't learned anything either.

As with so many questions like this, this is a parent issue not a child issue. Your husband needs to parent his child.

In the meantime, I would advise your daughter to lock her door.

Every problem has to be traced down to the root. If someone is overeating because they're terribly unhappy, you don't start with taking their Twinkies away. You start by helping them heal from their grief.

Your problems: nearly adult girls coming and going, borrowing from each other without respecting boundaries, no rules for the household such responsibilities, cleaning up after oneself, rent, jobs, contributing to the grocery fund or utilities or wi-fi, and a boyfriend who is a boarder, and two parents who parent separately. It's ok for each of you to speak to and primarily parent your own individual kids, but the rules should be consistent for everyone in the household, or else it's just one big rooming house where people can do as they please, for free.

The root issue as I see it is that the two adults who are the parents (who presumably pay the rent or mortgage and other household expenses) don't have any standards, and don't stand united. Is this your home? Are you and your husband a couple? Or are you just a "boarder" too?

Before you can address daughters, and live-in boyfriends, and no jobs, and no responsibilities like paying rent and cleaning up, and respecting others' property, you first have to get on the same page with your husband. Either you and he together create a household with boundaries and standards and rules that are consistent for EVERY person who lives there, whether occasionally or long-term, or else you just may have to accept that you're basically on the same level as the boyfriend - someone who is allowed to live there. I hope that you and your husband can get some counseling and become a functional couple before these irresponsible children become even more irresponsible adults. Right now they're destined for failure. Requiring certain things of young adults is not "being against" them, it's demanding that they become productive citizens who will make good roommates and good spouses and good people. Step up or step out.

I'm not sure why you want your husband to deal with the pants if he's so ineffective at parenting.

I think you and your daughter should set stepdaughter straight if she's taking or using your things. Dad backs you up. How else will she respect you?

If he's useless at parenting, accept it. Then do what you can do to have her stop walking all over you. You say "no". Not sure what boyfriend has to do with it. Presumably, you all agreed to let him move in.

Sounds like neither you nor your partner respect each other in terms of parenting. That's a bigger issue that's probably underlying all this.

I would just put locks on the bedroom doors. Tell your daughter to lock her door when she leaves. (And not one of those bathroom door type locks that you can open just by using something straight to push the lock button). Don't say anything, just do it. Your SD can only complain by admitting she was trying to get in the room when no one was there.

Everyone gets a pad lock on their door so no one can go rummaging through their private property.
Boyfriend gets evicted - and if step daughter doesn't like that then she can move out too.
My sister use to go through my stuff all the time - and we'd get into knock down pulling our hair fights over it.
I could never live with anyone like that again - who has no respect for boundaries.
If hubby can't step up and get his daughter to behave like a responsible house member - well, if I was in your situation - I'd take my daughter and end up leaving hubby and step daughter.

Frankly, it sounds like you have too many adults living with you. I don't know how it came to be that you have both your SD and her boyfriend there, but I think you need to discuss with your DH a timeframe for SD and her BF to move out. If your DH wants her to stay with you, then you and he need to revisit the situation since it doesn't seem to be working. When my SS boomeranged after college, I about lost my mind. Yes, he was an adult but NO, we were not a hotel. He didn't want to contribute to the family, but he certainly wanted our wifi, cable, food....it took a long time for my DH to understand that it was OK to tell SS to move.

I would ask him what the outcome was about the pants. If he wants to handle it, then he needs to do so. Otherwise I would support my DD in confronting SD about the pants. My SD claimed that her stepsister (via her mother) would steal from her, and it got to the point she would take anything of value to our home before her stepsister's expected visits. Does your DD have a way to secure her belongings? (And on the flip side, my SD used to take things from me as well. She "borrowed" tops from me and then cut them to fit...I was very angry about that. I now have a keyed lock on my door because I cannot trust her.)

IMO, I would also rephrase it. I found it offputting that you called him "her daddy". He's her father. I know some people call their parents Mommy and Daddy all their lives (seems to be more a southern thing) but I cringe. She's not a child and nobody should be treating her like one.

First of all to address the immediate issue I would let your daughter install a lock on her door she can open with a key from the outside, that should curb the stealing if the father will not. Also, I would talk with your husband and put my foot down on the boyfriend, it is one thing to support his adult daughter, but another thing entirely to support her boyfriend. This is your home as well, and should be a safe and comfortable place for both you and your daughter.

In the end I think you and your husband really need to communicate about what is okay and what is expected and then talk to the children as a united front and back each other up.

I used to take stuff from my sister all the time. It doesn't mean I was a bad person. Its just what most teenage girls do. She did the same to me every once in a while. I can see you are upset but try to see the bigger picture here. She's a teen. She's not perfect and no one else is either. Wearing jeans or borrowing makeup is not that bad. It might be rude and really annoying but of all the things she could be doing its not that big of a deal. The next time she takes your daughters clothes don't be silent about it. Say something like "I can see you really like those jeans. Maybe we can go get you a similar pair the next time we go shopping" or if she takes your makeup say "I'm glad we like the same colors. We should do each other's makeup sometime". Try to turn this into something not so serious because honestly there is really nothing else you can do. If you get upset it will make everything worse. Its hard but do your best to keep a positive attitude. Hang it there :)