My Son Seems Very Finicky

Wow such stereotypes. He is a little boy, at six I would not expect him to be any different. Now 16 maybe the whining would have to go. As for the complaints as Any child will do, as one mom said meet it with humor, or acknowledge him, "yup its hot out today, you think we can fry an egg out here." My daughter use to complain about walking too, then at 7 she ran/jogged/walked over 3 1/2 miles for a school event. Some kids just need more than others and he will not grow up strong if you do not give him the building blocks of compassion, love, and support. Oh and just because he is sensitive doesn't mean he won't become a strong man. Grown men that cry are strong, and I have seen the "firm" ones be bullys who are cowards inside that beat their girlfriends.

A.,

I try not to criticize parents, because I would hate to be criticized after a few sentences, so I do apologize in advance; however I think you are being much too harsh on your son. When children whine or request to be held, I have found, in my 17 years working with kids, that it is because they feel insecure and need reassurance.

If you talk like this to strangers about your son, I would be fearful that you’re saying the same or worst in front of him. These criticisms from a child’s Mother will hurt their self-esteem and make them feel insecure.

I suggest strongly, you understand he is 6 and at 6 he still needs the love and understanding from his mother. If you “give in” a little, provide support and less criticism of your son, I believe you’ll see a change.

A boy will become a strong independent man when he is raised with the love, support and understanding of his family. You will not create a strong man by ignoring a small boys needs.

Please understand this is not meant to make you feel bad, but to help your relationship with your son.

Best of luck

R. Magby

Wow, I hope you dont tell him that. Your son is sensitive and you decide he's like a spoiled girl?

I think you should empathize with him; he's obviously a sensitive kid and that will serve him well in some areas of his life. He's a very young child and that is how some act regardless of sex. I am also having a personal reaction to the way you are phrasing this--you are managing to put down little girls and your son in the same sentence. Not all girls are sensitive and as you are learning not all boys are "strong and firm in heart." Personally I think it's important to meet our children where they are and to love them for who they are. Some of the most "feminine" people I know just happen to be male.

Our youngest is the same way...emotional, dramatic, emphatic...He is who he is. I foresee either some serious theatrical career, or an alternative lifestyle of some sort...but so what. I love him, and as much as it drives me crazy...he is who he is. I figure he will be either wildly successful or completely crazy...but his life will always be exciting and tulmultuous. So whether he comes home with an Oscar, or his boyfriend, Oscar...we will be fine :).

PS: We ignore most of the ridiculousness he thrives on (complaining, tantrums, dramatic tendencies) and try to reason most of the time...and punish when it gets out of hand.

Finicky? Well, maybe not. Strong-hearted boys (and girls) are more made than born. They become strong through trial, error, good leadership, and encouragement. It's a behavior more than a personality, but he needs to learn it through the filter of the personality he's born with.

Your son may seem like a big boy but he's really quite a little one. He's looking to you for cues on how to behave. But he's also looking for attention and support for you, which is a good thing!

I don't know if you tell your son he's finicky; if you do, he may wonder if you're on his side, even if he's somebody worthwhile for you to love. Can you do something like this instead? If he falls and hurts himself, when he runs to you, you can say, "Oh, let me see that cut. No, it's not too bad. Settle yourself down and I'll show you how we take care of a cut like that." Then, as you take him into the kitchen, give him a minute or two to calm himself down; and as he stops crying, you can commend him: "Crying can be a good thing to do sometimes, but you don't need many tears for a cut like this one. Do you see how I'm washing it with a cloth with a little warm
water on it? Just pat the cloth - don't rub it - so your arm won't sting much. Now we'll put a bandage on. When you're a little bigger, you see, you can do this for yourself."

If he complains about walking, keep your sense of humor. Check his shoes to make sure they're not too small. No, the shoes are fine and they need to walk a little more.

If you can do things like this, you're helping him take little steps toward the independence you want him to have eventually. Real strength is built up slowly, from the inside out. Teach him strength with patience and compassion, and he may turn out to be a strong person in the best sense
of the word.

I don't think any of us, adult or child, man or woman, can be stronger, more courageous (or ambitious / clever / right-handed) than we are. What would you do if someone demanded that of you?

Can a child do better? Please give your little guy the space to be who he is. Children who are loved unconditionally by their parents tend to turn out just fine.

He is a 5 year old child not a big strong man. So what I would do is accept your child for who he is. Some kids are like that it has nothing to do with being a boy or a girl. He gets upset over small cuts and that is ok as a lot kids do he will out grow it I am sure. Not all girls are finicky either. I feel I bled and I got back up to do it again.

First of all, I do agree with most of the posts that say it is important to have compassion. However, I also think that can also go too far - to the point that you are giving attention to and thereby encouraging an undesired behavior. When my son starts to whine too much, trust me - the more I show him understanding & compassion and talk about it, the more he whines. I absolutely disagree that "children start off surprisingly alike, whether they're boys or girls." This sounds like it was written by a person with no kids or kids of all one gender. Trust me - there are bigtime differences. But I also think that ALL kids - girl or boy - can have tendencies like your son is showing. Finickiness is not reserved for the girls. I believe kids just do what works for them.

My suggestion would be to show compassion with patience and without overindulgence. Using your examples - If he says he is tired & doesn't want to walk, I would say, "I know - it's a long walk, huh. We're almost there." If he asks for you to carry him, just say, "no - I'm sorry." Then try to distract him with a fun game - I Spy or something. If he starts to cry, say "you're having a hard time, huh" and then ignore the behavior. The point is to give him attention when he's not crying & don't give him attention when he is (after you've acknowledged his having a hard time & validating his feelings). When you get in trouble is when you either just tell him to get tough & get over it or when you baby him and give too much energy to the bad behavior. Both extremes are not good. Both extremes with prolong & encourage your problem. I'm all for acknowledging & showing compassion and then distracting & getting on with life.

And don't worry that this is "girl" behavior. It is child behavior. It's not unusual. And for the record, both boys & girls should be strong & firm in heart. :o)

I would not worry about it.... It is a phase almost all boys go through it. My son went through it too, and he is not that way anymore. Just don't give in to his whining and crying and he will soon be out of the phase. I often told my son that he is 6 and he is a big boy now so he cannot act like a baby anymore. He is 7 now and does not act that way anymore.

Hi--
I read an article in men's health that addresses this very issue. The article is about why men get depressed, and how it starts in childhood. The link is below, but the relevant section I quoted.

http://www.menshealth.com/health/exercising-your-demons
"But there is not much in our cultural definition of what it means to be a man that is inherent in maleness. Children start off surprisingly alike, whether they're boys or girls. If there's a difference, it's the opposite of what the culture seems to expect: Boys are more sensitive. They give expression to their emotions more readily than girls. They affiliate with others in the same way as girls. Then someone starts telling them it's not okay to be that way. If you act like that, you're a pussy."

Our culture makes it so boys are supposed to be "strong and firm in heart", when in reality it is the girls that are the tough ones. Being understanding with your son, treating him with compassion, will actually make him feel more secure in his world and will decrease the clingy-ness. The more a child gets his emotional needs met, the more secure he will be, and the better foundation to go out into the world. The most important relationship in a child's life is the mother--you are his security and it is through your eyes that he sees his importance --even more so than with his father. (although that changes as he gets older). You want him to be able to express his emotions and know that those emotions are normal. Teach him how to deal with emotions, rather than teaching him to suppress them. You got some good advice below about specific ways to do this.

Now don't beat yourself up, either, about what we are all saying to you. You are doing your best for your son, and as you know more you can do better! Just remember that just because he is a boy doesn't change the way he feels and experiences the world. I think you will find that treating him with more compassion will actually help him and your relationship with him.

Good luck!
J.