My Son Says He Hates Me

I know this is a really old request but I had this problem with my son when he was about 3 1/2. I finally realized that he can't say that to me and he definitely doesn't know what hate means. I started putting him in time out for saying that and telling him he can say he is mad at me or doesn't like it when I punish him but he can not tell me he hates me. He is now 7 and sometimes still tells me that he doesn't like me but i remind him he can not talk to me like that. At his age he doesn't know how to express his feelings and you need to help him express the correct emotion. He doesn't hate you, he hates being punished.

As far as the potty training, I made a chart with every day of the week and every time my son went potty with no accidents, we put a sticker next to the letter of the day it was. He loved this and was trained very quickly and learned letters while doing so. When he was bored of just stickers, we made a contest. I told him if he gets 3 stickers today, you can have a special treat and we decided what that would be so he could work for it. He had a great time and now that he doesn't use the chart but his sister is going to have one, he still asks for it. Hope this helps.

Ideas? Yes. Ignore it. He's three. He doesn't even have a clear idea of what love and hate is. When he says he hates you simply say "oh really, why is that?" in a very nice way. Don't make a big deal out of it. He could be saying that to get a reaction out of you.

I know this is an old request, however, my kids are 18 & 12. They both went through the stage of "hating" things. Hate is a word not allowed in my home. I've asked my kids,"Would you like it if someone hated you?" That answer was usually "No". I would also tell them that they can dislike things all they want but hate isn't allowed. I realize it's an emotion and everyone gets to express their own. However, this is a very hurtful word. No good can come out of it. So, I don't allow it. EVERYONE knows that it is not allowed in my home. Hating something or someone only brings bitterness into your heart and sometimes it can multiply and become overwhelming and you end up with a very unhappy person. What if instead of saying "I hate you" he said "Mom you're a b---h." Would that be acceptable??? If you ignore a child's bad habit they assume it is acceptable and "waiting" to correct it may be too late. If you think they are too young to understand what they are saying then what's the problem with eliminating the words they really don't need to say to begin with???

Oh man I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard I hate you I have 4 12,7,4,17 months and they all do it. My husband gets so upset I just laugh doesn't faze me at all. Kids say things all the time that they either don't mean or don't know what they are saying.

My 4 year old is daddys boy 100% I am just here to feed him but daddy is a truck driver and gone for a week at a time so I go through many issues with him over that. He would live in that truck with him if we let him. I learned along time ago, with my little angels that hate is one of the many words not allowed in the house. The other major word is stupid I don't like either word and and they know it. I tell them they can say all day long that they don't like me or don't like what i'm doing but hate deffinitly not.

I would try telling him that you would prefer him to say that he doesn't like you and that hate is not a good word to say. Tell him it hurts your feelings when he says it and that no matter what you will always love him. With the boyfriend no matter how strong your relationship is he needs to help out or get out. Sorry to be so sharp but I was a single mom for 7 years and if they didn't aprove of that they were gone.

It is one thing to play daddy but he has to act like one as well that includes dissipline and parrenting. Potty training is realy hard and I assure you when he is ready he will do it but forcing him will make him regress and it will take longer. Also the boyfriend needs to back you up this is why he sees you as the bad person and him the good. Make daddy take him to the bathroom with him every time he goes showing him that daddy goes like a big boy will make him want to go. If daddy is his idol only his influence will do some good right now.

Not many daddys stick around so be pleased yours has and praise him for bieng a good dad but he has to be a good role model too. Good luck I hope something helps soon, I fear that if daddy doesn't help with the behavior soon you will have a son who doesn't respect women and you don't want that. Not to mention respect for adaults when he goes to school.

I'm sorry....but do you honestly BELIEVE that he knows what he is saying? He is ONLY 3! My son never said that to me and just recently started when he doesn't like my discipline but he is 8 yrs old! He gets what he is doing to me, BUT he adores me...he doesn't hate me...he just doesn't know how to express his feelings of frustration any other way.

My daughter is 4 and she says it like it's water flowing from a faucet ! She says it to me, or to Daddy or to whomever tells her what she doesn't want to hear. And guess what...SHE DOES LOVE ME. She is just angry at the moment and can't sit down and rationalize her feelings and express them to me in another way.

Reading some of these responses bothers me. You Mommies...your kids LOVE YOU! They adore YOU! They may totally get frustrated some times but it is NOT because they hate you that they say it.

We are the adults here. We can not expect our kids to understand the deeper meaning of abstract notions such as love until they are much older!

In my home, when my kids say it I just calmly look at them and say, "that is too bad. I LOVE YOU no matter if you are mad, no matter if you are upset, and no matter how you behave...I love you and always will." and then I keep doing what I was doing before they said it.

Generally my 8 yr old bursts into tears and cries..."I love you too Mommy!!!!"

Blessings to all.
M.

Hi G.,
I wouldn't worry about your son saying he hates you. My tells me that he doesn't like me anymore and to leave him alone. I completly ignore him. He usually says it when I am disciplining him. He is also three. About potty training my son on his third birthday decided to use the potty. I ended up putting him in training pants and letting him learn when he has to go. We had many accidents in the beginning but he caught on pretty quickly. Will he use the potty at all? Don't get frusterated at him. Kids learn at different times how to do things. I have a friend who had her son potty trained by 21 months. Mine had another year in diapers. I kind of felt like I was doing something wrong but then decided not to push my son. It wasn't my fault he just learned later. If you need to chat anymore feel free to contact me. Good luck
Chris

Don't worry that he says that he hates you. All children say that because yes you are the one to punish him so he sees you as the bad guy but then when he doesn't feel good or when he falls, you are the one he will turn to. He is only 3 right now, well mom hold your breath because when they are teens and you ground them from going out.....They will hate you more. They out grow it when they turn into their 20's and they realize life is harder when they have to pay thier own bills, then you will become thier best friend. Good luck and God Bless.

I have a four old that used to do the same thing. His father never diciplined him and I always had to step up. When my son said this it bothered me too. The best advice I got was to ignore it, I know its hard but when they see you react it makes them want to say it more. If you just ignore him and let him see it doenst bother you when he says it, it will get old to him.

As usually the moms have come through with great advise. My son is also three. His favorite phrase this week (it changes) is "you get on my nerves". The first time he said it I couldn't believe it (I don't know why I was shocked). I simply ignore it and if he doesn't get a response he usually gives up. Like the other ladies said at three they don't even know what they're saying. If you're the disciplinarian (like me) you catch it. Dad's are fun. Mommy's make you potty and eat your vegetables. That's why they "hate" us and we "get on their nerves".

I also have a 16 year old. What until you hear what they say to you at that age!!!

G., I have the same similar situation. My son adores and loves his dad more than me, he even loves his sister more than me and she doesn't stay in our home. She is my husbands first child. I at first got very offended because my husband did nothing to correct that behavior. But I began to look around and see that I am the disciplinary one, I bring the structure and that my presence is definately needed. I know that in the end he will come to realize that I am doing the right things for him to better things for him.

You should try to spend more time doing things he likes. Spend one on one with him. Show him reason why you discipline and the consequences of doing the wrong things. And definately do not allow him to speak to you that way. Let him know how this feels to be treated like that in a way he would understand.
He will be fine after awhile. He does not hate you!

I am having the same problem. I can't want to read the answers to this.

I want to start out by first reassuring you that your son does not hate you. I personally do not think he probably even understands the word hate. I'm sure you are a great mother and I wouldn't take it personally. It also is very typical for kids to throw out that word whether it is to their parents, or to other kids, or even toys.
On that note I would take the oppertunity to teach your son that it is not ok to hate people. When he says such things tell him we love people we don't hate people. I also would encourage his father to step up to the plate when he hears it... he could say something like we both love mommy very much. If he idalizes his father then he may be more likely to realize that dad loves mom and I love mom too.
Good luck and hang in there... I think it is just a phase that will pass with time.

Yes, this is an old request but in case someone else (like me) is reading this, perhaps my experience will help.

I would not ignore it or punish a child for using the word "hate", because children frequently have the vocabulary or understanding to actually put into words what they are feeling. It is our jobs as parents to give them alternatives.

The very few times that my son told me that he hated anyone, including me, I calmly explained to him that using that word means that you would not care if that person died/disappeared and never came back. And if that happened today you would never feel bad about saying that you hated them.

I would ask my son if that is what he was feeling. Since that was always no, I would then explain to him that there are other words that can use such as "I am mad at...." or "I do not like..."

Now at age 8 if I ever hear it slip out, I ask him with a raised eyebrow, "Do you really HATE them?" He says "no" and tells me what he is really feeling and we take it from there.

Hi G. M -

I'm sorry your son says he hates you. I wouldn't discipline him or react when he says it. If you squawk like a goose (giggling) he'll say it just to get the reaction. When he says it, just say "Mommy loves you. Mommy will always love you." And leave it at that. Obviously he doesn't know what it means to say "I hate you" and he doesn't mean it. He doesn't have other words to express how he's feeling. Be the unconditional lover of your child, and take his words for what they are: mere words.

Good luck and keep believing that your boy loves you. Little boys love love love their mothers!

Cris

G.,
I have 2 sons ages 9 1/2 and 15 and 2 girls ages 7 and 17. I get told the "i hate you" on a regular basis.... i dont say "good" or "i'm sorry" ...nothing ....I just keep doing what it is i was doing and ignore it all together.. as for the potty training thing.... Boys are GREAT.. buy some cheap "fruit loops"....put a dish of them on the back of the toilet seat and when it is time to potty he may put 3 or 4 in the water and "aim" at them.... it works WONDERS!!!! As for the no help from your boyfriend with things... there is yet another challenge ....men can be butthead for sure, but he needs to know that you need his 100% support for everything... You 2 should plan a "date night" once a month and go out and enjoy each other and have good "no kid" conversations... not to mention it keep things "alive" lol
Good luck and feel free to contact me any time..
T.

Hello G.,

I have 2 boys almost 13 and 15 and boy do I remember them days. I also run a daycare and have had some of my kids say things like I don't like you , I hate you when they are being disciplined. My comment back is always this " that is ok ,But I will always love you" Sometimes I will say " well then if you hate me, then next time you want to watch your favorite show I guess I will have to tell you no. Many times they will change their tune. It is funny to see them change so quick. Then after they are done with their time-out we talk and they will apologize and most of the time tell me they didn't mean it and they love me. I know they do and I don't let it bother me. All kids at one time or another will say things like that.

Boyfriend/Daddy needs to get with the game of backing you up when you discipline and helping out with the potty training. Get a timer and every 20 minutes have him go to the potty and sit on it or stand next to it. He will say I don't have to go. But he still needs to try. Every 20 minutes. Now it may be different if you are at the store. But really try to stick to 20-30 min intervals. Tell him as soon as you start using it and can stay dry you will not have to go in so often. He need to get used to going to the bathroom. It does work. I trained to boys who were 4 yrs old within a matter of days in my care they were on their way to being potty trained. They need to know you are the boss and in control. I ask mydaycare kids who is the boss? They all say you... lol. NOT my hubby .. lol
Remember this 3 yr olds are like that and it is a tough year.

Allot of boys train between 3-4 yrs old.

I wish you much success and hope it all goes well with the rest.

I wouldn't fret the potty training situation. My four year old was a very late toilet user and it got to me also, but I finally let it go, didn't say anything about it and didn't let anyone else say anything and one day she just started goin on her own and I didn't let her wear anymore diapers. Which meant lots of laundry every day with the sleeping bag and PJs, but cheaper than he diapers.
I think your little one tells you he hates you because he gets a reaction. You might not be meaning to give one or doing it consciously. My little one tells me I am mean all the time and it makes me think I am being mean and it is heartbreaking. Maybe having his dad talk to him about using the word "hate" will slow it down.
Good Luck

that is so common. my son went through the same thing it was the fact that i was not spending alot of time with him. he will get over it. i say just let him be mad. just keep telling him you love him and give him hugs and kisses. my little brother right now hates me he is the same age. just let him vent.

my daughter has said this before and it can sting at first but
I tell her calmly "You don't hate me you just don't want to pick up your toys (or whatever it is she's upset about)"
If she says it again, she gets a time out to calm down until she can talk nicely. After a couple minutes when she's a little calmer, I then calmly tell her that saying I hate you hurts people's feelings and it's not okay for her to say. Then I tell her I understand she was mad about having to pick up her toys. I still make her go back and pick them up but I might suggest we make it a race to see how fast she can clean them up or offer to help or tell her of something fun she can do when she finishes. I always make sure she knows I love her. Later I might mention that "You know I always love you even when you are mad" and she usually says I love you back at that time.

hello dear just tell him it ok for him to feal what he is fealing but you still love him and he will do what you say no matter if he like you or hates you hope this help

Just so you know you aren't alone, my sister has a daughter who will be 2 in December, every time my sister disciplines her she shouts STUPID MOMMY! and runs away...it started because her older brothers used the word in reference to the family dog...kids pick up words, and use them because they know it gets a reaction. Try and teach him a new word like "mad or upset" for when he's angry, and tell him hate is hurtful and he shouldn't hate anyone. Being the only disciplinarian is hard, you have to be the good guy and the bad guy~ just keep giving him kisses and say I love you all day long, he'll pick up on it eventually!

That is a very common thing for kids to say when they are angry at a parent, especially at that age.

I still sometimes get told by my two sons that they hate me and they are 14 and 7 years old. More so by my 7 year old now.

I know that it is a hard thing to hear your child say to you, but the best think that works for me and I started this when my oldest was younger, is try to stay calm (I know that it is hard, it gets easier though) and just say "I'm sorry that you feel that way right now, but I still love you alot" Saying this was actually recommended by one of my oldest son's behavioral therepist's. He had to see councilors and therepist's since he was 3 years old, after his father left us.

So my advice is try to stay calm, vaildate his feelings ("I'm sorry that you feel that way right now" or something like that, that way he knows that you are really listening) and reasure him that you still love him no matter what.

I think that was the best advice that was ever given to me, it really has helped me get though it.

Hello, I have been reading along and my response would be to keep on with discipline. Every time he says he hates you discipline him for that too. His father should not allow it to happen either. Whenever your child says things in that nature both of you should dicipline him.

PS. You can't tell a three year 3 year old that he will regret telling you things. That is like you are you Teach him not to say it and as stated before both of you discipline him. It should continue. Nip it in the bud.

Last year around this time(which happens to be when my own son was three and a half), my son went through a phase where he told me he hates me every time he got frustrated. And sometimes when he wasn't frustrated too. At first I was so genuinely hurt that I responded in all the predictable ways. I tried telling him that saying that hurt my feelings. I tried telling him that I love him no matter what. I even tried shame, telling him that he was not to say such mean things, because it's rude. My husband was usually stern and swift, telling him that he is not to treat me like that, and that he was to respect me.

Frankly, it was getting pretty depressing. I finally had some time to reflect on what he said. I realized that we can't punish him for having feelings. He was using his words to express himself rather than hitting, which is what we all try to teach our children. They just still do not have the ability to express themselves fully yet. I mentally shifted the I hate yous into what I was pretty sure he was trying to say. My reply was usually "I know you are mad because I punished you, and that's fine. You don't have to like the punishments, but you do have to follow them." He still gets mad at me, but his vocabulary is broader, and he doesn't say he hates me anymore.

What you must also understand is that at the age you son is, he's also going through the point in his life that he's trying to seperate from mommy more. This is perfectly healthy. This is the point in his life when he starts to dissolve any Oedipal issues that small boys have. It's almost a GOOD sign that he is so resistant to you at this point in time. He'll soon resolve the internal conflicts. My son is now less affectionate, but more expressive about his feelings. Where I seldom heard an "I love you, Mommy" from him before his "I hate you" phase, now he says he loves me at least once a day.

I don't know if you are still having problems with this since this post is from November but I thought that I would respond anyway.

My daughter used to tell me she hated me as well and the worst thing that you can do is let them know that it bothers you. That is what they are trying to do is get a reaction out of you!

I always responded with, "That's ok because I love you enough for the both of us!" I think she got bored with saying it because it didn't seem to upset me (of course it really did but I didn't show it).

It is a phase and he will grow tired of it and it too shall pass!

HTH!

I know it hurts to hear I hate you from teh little person you love more then life, but it happens to everyone. Some of what he is saying/doing right now may be a sign of frustration with something he wants to do but cannot accomplish. My three year old gets frustated easily and has a fit over something that seems small but to her it is huge. I just let her worl through it and keep staying positive about it. You mentioned that you were potty training. This may be why he is frustrated and because you are the main person trying to get him to do this he may be taking his frustration out on you. I was trying to potty train my 3 year old when I gave birth to my youngest. I was getting upset because she didn't seem to care if she wet herself and we went through some tough times. My Peditrician said that it was most likely because she was feeling a little unsure because of the new baby and was resisting in the only way she new. The Dr told me to back up off her for a while (a few months) and then try again. When I tried again, I also used bribery. We had two kinds of stickers, one for when she peed in her potty and a different kind for whne she pooped. With in a week she was trained and in a month she also was night trained. I would try backing off for a bit and then retry with some kind of incentive... Stickers are cheap and work wonders! - K.