My baby / My son (15yrs old) has always been on the much softer side never a rough and tuff kind of kid. I never taught anything of it still don't. He has always been good kid and always A student, well this year I started noticing small changes in his behavior he gradually started to become distant from the family and his grades were dropping dramatically to F's . Every time I would walk to his room he was always sleeping. My first thought was he using drugs , What is going on ?!?! . So one day when he was at school I went through his room and found his journal. I read it to the last page and I'm so glad I did. He express how he had no interest in girls but was attracted to boys he wrote how heavy this was to hold as a secret. He wrote how stress this was making him, My heart dropped to know he was going through this alone. But how was I to bring this up How do I help him How do I tell him I'm with him, He's NOT alone I'm going to walk with him through this I'm going to stand in front of him and defend him,That I well never leave him.
2 weeks passed and things got worse I believe he was going through a depression, and my biggest fear was him committing suicide. This past weekend God , Angels , Father God Mother god they were with us. My husband and daughter were out of the house so it was just my son and I he was watching tv and I was pacing upstairs thinking how do I talk to him God help me figure this out so I can help my son. I called him up to my room and he came we started talking and I started to tell him the changes I was noticing in him then I asked What's going on, He said nothing and denied it a few times . I finally told him that as his mother I know there's something going on that I see the changes, I told him tell me please. He put he's head down and said it, I'm GAY. I told him to left his head and I looked in eyes and said ITS OK, ITS OK needless to say we had a looooong talk and a super loooong hug he said he felt so much lighter he said he felt like it was such a burden to of a secret to hold and it felt so heavy.
So I guess my question would be has anyone gone through this? Please no judging or bashing just love and support here.
Since he told me (Saturday) He hasn't said anything to anyone else, But I did tell him he has to let Dad and Sister know as well, So that we can help him and know were he is coming from. I told him he couldn't let too much time pass (Im thinking within the next 2weeks). He asked me if he had to tell the whole family as well and I told him no not till your ready and when you are we will all be standing next to you. That night I did tell dad and he's eyes watered up and all he could say was I just want to hug him and tell him its ok. And tell him my wish for him would be to find someone who loves him as much as I love you. And hes sister I know she kind of has a feeling. Prior to all this she had came to me and asked if he was and what I think, I was fine with it and she said so was she, but at the time he wouldn't say so she left it at that.
But since Saturday I notice on Sunday he seemed so happy and light hearted smiling all day, Didn't lock himself up in his room in fact he was chatter box but he would look at me from time to time and smile.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to ready my post, and those of you who sent me personally messages, Lord thank you because to read inspirational words make you feels like your on the right track. And to speak to other moms who have been were you are is incredible feeling because they understand and can give some great pointers.
My son has came out to his sister and Dad. And they both one at a time hugged him and told him how much they love him no matter what. So I know there's more to come and there's going to be different issues to deal with but as long as we are all on the same page we can do it.
Once again a million thank you's
I haven't gone through this personally, but have gay friends, and I can just tell you - you did GREAT. For him to have someone to share this with and for it no longer to be a total secret, what a huge weight off his shoulders. Good for you mom!
ETA: Julie S. I am just going to assume that you are drinking while typing and that is why you are being just a horrid person. I want you to know that I personally have this mom's back. You have no place here. To quote Glenda the Good Witch in that most fabulous of gay movies, The Wizard of Oz, "Begone before someone drops a house on you too!"
I have gone through this exact thing. You did such a good job. I found out in a similar way, when my son was 13. (I was looking at his physics binder for something and I found a note he wrote to a crush, but did not send.) Message me if you want.
What a wonderful, attuned mother you are. Both of you took a very brave step...a testimony to the steadfast love and bond between mother and son. Well done!
Yes, two years ago my son came out, at 18.
Julie -- Even though my son had liberal-minded parents who had always accepted gays (although we had no clue our son was gay), it was still hard for him to come out. It's much more accepted these days, but it's still hard for kids to come out. You couldn't live in a more gay-friendly area than we do, but my son only formally came out to his friends last month (even though they probably already knew, since a few people had probably already spread the word).
ETA. I have to add, I had known many kids who came out, and I supported them and thought nothing of it. But when it's your own kid, it's sometimes harder than one might think to come to terms with it, especially when it comes as a total shock. Nothing about my son was stereotypically gay, and no one knew or guessed, not even his close friends or his siblings. Just like any dreams we have for our children's futures (and very few of us don't burden our children with some of our own hopes and dreams for them), finding out your child is gay means radically altering your visions of their future lives, and it does add health concerns and societal worries that one doesn't have to consider with straight males.
I talked to a lot of people as I went through my personal journey with this, and very few people went "yipee!" when they discovered their child was gay, but most of them went through some kind of grieving process until they achieved complete acceptance, as did I.
I hope you will completely ignore Julie S's comments. Really who can even begin to guess some of the wacky ideas kids sometimes have.
My son passed away when he was an infant. Two years later I had my daughter and truth be told my husband and I wanted a girl because we never wanted anyone to think that our new baby was a replacement for the child/son we lost. Last week, my 12 yo daughter was truly sobbing, asking if her dad wished she was a boy. If you knew our family and knew my husband you would know how ridiculous this thought was. We are just so grateful to have my daughter and she has brought nothing but joy to our family her whole life. She is really easy going, is so sweet, Is motivated and talented. As you may be able to tell, we are crazy about her!!!
EDIT: Julie S., are you truly this dense or are you just an agitator? This boy obviously has loving and excepting parents as their actions proved when he came out. His fear that he would not be excepted for being gay was completely unfounded and "wacky" not the fact that he is gay.
I suggest you get professional help to deal with your own apparent issues. This is not the first time I have seen your off the wall comments.
Not personally, but I'm so pleased for you and your son. It's hard enough to be a teen, and to be gay. Glad he's got you for a momma.
Best,
F. B.
I haven't gone through it but at least you know what's going on.
If you Google "support for family of gay", I'm sure you can find a support group to help you with any issues that might come up.
Actually - I would be careful about insisting he come out to family and/or friends.
It's a big decision and very personal - leave him to decide if/when he wants to.
Oh my gosh! I am in tears! What a beautiful moment!
Your son is very fortunate to have you. I can't even imagine how hard that was for both of you.
You and your son are in my prayers. Never let him forget that he is a beautiful child of God!
Haven't gone through it but had a close friend go through this when we were teens. He was so scared to come out.
After he told me I say, "So?? That is the big news?" and he just gaped at me. Then I told him, "Are you any different from five seconds ago when you told me? No, you aren't!! You are one of my best and closest friends and always will be." Then we cried and hugged.
This was back in the 90s not as accepting AND we were in church youth group together where being gay would get you prayed for and attempt to change you and then get you shunned if you lived in that "lifestyle".
He and his life partner are still close friends of mine and my husband"s. Our kids call them Uncle and Uncle. They were able to get married last year and it was a destination wedding, so we were not able to attend.
I am so thankful he has you for a mom that will walk with him through this and let him know he is okay and still loved by God. Help him find resources on dating as a gay teen and have all those uncomfortable talks about relationships and sex. My friend didn't have anyone to guide him and ended up a bit taken advantage of by older more experienced men. So find him information to be smart and safe!!
Big hugs to you!!
I think you handled this perfectly. I know it has to be a big stress reliever for your son to now have your support. I hope he comes out to your husband and his sister soon because it sounds as though he has their full support as well. Buy the way... I'm not the same J. S. as that other person, YIKES!!! Can't believe her response.
Nope I haven't handled this myself but you did a great job. You let your son know that he is valued no matter who he loves and his mom loves him and just wants him happy.
Been there. My brother at 15 had written a suicide note, and had attempted before that. I found the letter and put him in counseling. It was in counseling where he started expressing his thoughts, feelings and building confidence. At 17 he came out to me, although I knew he was gay long before he told me. He has a good support system, and a good family. As long as he feels safe, and secure and is supported, he will thrive.
It's wonderful that he came to you and had such a wonderful, open minded conversation. I can't tell you how important that is to someone who comes out to their family.
This has happened to so many of my friends, and I have one friend who works with isolated and reclusive teens who are suffering with depression for many reasons (bullied, mental health issues, ostracized or pressured gay or bisexual or transgender kids, and more). You did a WONDERFUL thing and I hope no one ever criticizes you for reading his journal. You might have gone the accusatory route, pushing him to confess to drug use or whatever.
So the next thing is to go beyond telling him it's OK, and tell him it's GREAT and that his life is going to be better now that he is able to face and share who he really is. Be sure the whole family lets him know that you all love each other entirely.
Because there is still so much pressure on gay kids (and adults) and so much discrimination, it would be great if you could find out more (or encourage your son to) about support groups and so on. A lot of schools and colleges have a gay/straight alliance which brings even more support. Also find out the school practices and policies (and unofficial attitudes) about gay dates at proms and so on.
Then open up some discussions within your family and with the extended family about what to say, and how to respond to criticism or slurs from others.
It's wonderful that your son felt he could tell you - this is the first of many conversations you will have with him in which he learns that his family loves him unconditionally.
You are an awesome mom, a wonderful parent for being so aware, so loving, so open, and so responsive to the needs of your son. Your husband and daughter are equally wonderful.
Wish every kid going through a difficult time had a family like yours to support him/her through it.
Best wishes to all of you,
J. F.
Blessings to you and your family. What wonderful parents you and your husband are to your son. I have never been through this, but I hope I would handle it as well as you.
I've never been through this (my kids are all under 10). But, I love how you handled it. And, I love that you are accepting of him no matter what! You are such a blessing to him.
Nope haven't gone through this!
SO glad your son was able to tell you.
Now how are you going to handle telling his father and sister? Are you going to be there when he does tell them??
Did you tell him you had read his journal so you knew already? You have to be honest with him as well. It goes both ways!
I think you did good by making sure you guys were alone and that you supported him.
Good luck!
You did a wonderful job. It's so important that he knows you always love and support him and don't disapprove of him. That would be a heavy burden indeed. Great job, mom! You get the gold star for the day!
I don't have any advice for you, but just want to commend you on being so supportive and doing exactly what a mother should do. Love your son, support your son, be there for you son - no matter what. Keep up the great work and be proud that you have raised a boy who knows he can trust you and that you'll always be in his corner.
Good for you for noticing the signs and being open and loving. My boys are still young but I try in little ways to let them know it would never matter to us who they love, like when I talk about their possible future spouse I don't use gender specifics. I am sure a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders knowing his family still loves and accepts him. But if signs of depression continue consider getting him someone to talk to outside the family that can help him though the transition of coming out.
The biggest thing is he has an ally in you. Thank you for supporting your son.
It sounds to me like this weighed so heavily and he's relieved he could talk to you. I'm glad you took the opportunity to talk. Tell him to talk to his dad. He needs to know his dad loves him and I think he will feel so relieved to hear from his dad that DH just wants him to be happy.
As a family, you might want to check out local LBGT support groups, so that he not only has other kids to relate to, but you can talk to other parents as well.
Despite snooping, you've done all the right things.
You can't push him. He's learning a lot about himself at this point and how to handle himself. Love, patience, and tolerance from you is what he needs most.
I would suggest not putting timeframes on him telling anyone else. It's his life, and he should be allowed to put it out there however he is comfortable.
My youngest cousin came out to MOST of the family 7 or 8 years ago. And they are a closed minded crowd that struggled with it. For that reason, there are family members to this day that he has never shared this with, and never will. Let him decide how this goes, and just continue to be there for him.
Best wishes!
I have not gone through this, but a friend of mine in California has. She is very active in the community and very supportive. Please instant message me - I will contact her and ask her if I can share her info with you directly.
You are an AWESOME and loving mom.
I'm glad he had a safe place with you so many don't. What a great mamma moment. Your son will remember this for the rest of his life. Good for you!!!
I would suggest counseling so he can deal with the process of coming out and dealing with any negativity that comes from that.
Hugs to all!!!
There is a resource group called PFLAG, for parents and family members of lesbian and gay youth. You could go to a meeting with your son. There is also a book, Betty Fairchild’s Now That You Know.
It's awesome that you are supporting your son. He will always be your son no matter who he loves. Lesbian and gay youth are at a higher risk of suicide if they don't have parental support.
Just wanted to tell you, I think you handled it beautifully. I've never gone through this but I think you did great!!!! I would go to family counseling of some sort to figure out how to navigate all of this.
Yes, I have been though this on many levels. It is som nice that parents have now realized that finding out their child is gay, is not a bad thing.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful father, I hope that very soon you can all be open about this do that your child can be his real self.
I am concerned about you reading his journal. But I think you really need to be honest that this happened, So that there are no secrets. Explain the truth, you were very frightened that there was something very bad going on like the use of drugs, you were happy to find out it was just that he was gay and you in no way we're upset or mad about that. Then promise him, you are going to respect his privacy, but he needs to be totally honest with you about what us going one with him in the future. No need for secrets, because you want to respect his privacy and be able to help and trust him..
Remind him his behavior had totally changed and you were very concerned.
Hooray! You eased his worries. Great job, Mom!
Good Job Mom!
~My youngest nephew came out at 14 & it was a relief to him to share as well, even though we all kinda suspected.
In my opinion, He doesn't need to share w/any one else if he doesn't want to, so don't push that...as long as you, Dad & sis have his back that's enough!
Just remember this is his journey...❤️
No I didn't go through this, but God bless you for letting him know you are there.
Great job mommy. You did what all mommies should do. You stood by your child and showed unconditional love. Way to go.
