My Son Is Wanting a Dad That Lives in Town

This is similar to the wishing to having a sibling. Just sympathize with him."yes, that would be fun." If he wants to talk about reasons let him. Have a general impersonal conversation. No need to talk about reality. He's too young to understand.

I can relate to this post. My parents split when I was 6. My dad was an Army helicopter pilot and was stationed all over the world. My mother always made a point to let me know that no matter who was in our lives, that man was my Daddy. She always said that we could have more than one person love us, but no one could replace him. And she acknowledged that his absence was unfair and out of our hands. So when she did start dating, her courtship was very quick. And I thought this guy was great, but even though I knew this guy loved me, it was always reiterated that he was not a replacement dad. Now as an adult I call them both Dad. I am close to both men. My kids don't quite get it, but they understand that mommy has two daddies and they get two grandpas out of the deal. But it took years for that relationship to build. And there was definitely a learning curve. So my advice is to teach him to appreciate what he has right now, even if it's not the way he wants it. In this age of facebook, emails, skype and face time, it is much easier to make connections over long distances.

My 7 year old son keeps asking me to please, please, please let him have a baby sister (he has one brother whose 4). Um, no. Not gonna happen. Not because I don't want my son to be happy, but because we are done (for so many reasons).

It's sweet that he told you that. Or course he really wants his dad to live near him or with him. Totally normal for any child who doesn't live with both parents. But some things are simply not meant to be.

Don't spend too much energy on this one. If it works out one day for you to meet someone and fall in love, fabulous. But until you are very serious with someone - someone who you really believe could be the one to marry - don't involve your son. He doesn't need to be a part of the dating process. That doesn't mean don't date. Just don't involve your son.

Maybe you just need to find him a strong male role model. It can be a friend of yours, a father of one of your son's friends, an uncle, a coach, or someone through the Big Brothers program. Obviously, no one will replace his dad, but it might help if he had someone to do "guy stuff' with.

Maybe you can also find ways to have him visit his dad more often, assuming the dad is good to him and trustworthy, of course. Maybe one of you could fly with him one way and the other could fly him home. Or, he's probably old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor if he can fly nonstop to wherever the dad is. You can also try things like Skype or Facetime, or any video chat, so he can have a more personal connection with his dad.

Keep talking to him. I think it is great that he has opened up and told you what his wishes are. It sure beats him holding those thoughts and wishes in.

Be honest and up front. Tell him what a long process dating is and how difficult it is to find the right person to bring into your lives.

I would use the conversation as an opportunity to validate his feelings, talk about practical solutions that would help him to feel closer to his biological father, and set very clear expectations on what dating would mean for him. Let him talk about his feelings of loss and of being jealous that his friends have dads who are here who can do things with him. I was a single mom for 5 years and I know that hearing these things is painful but as strong mommies we have to let our kids know that we can handle their feelings of loss - it sounds like you two have good communication, so just make sure you continue that. Sounds like you may have to add in something along the lines of "it sounds like it would be great for me to meet someone new and get married and you could have a step-dad right here, but real life is a lot more complicated than that. It's not like how you see things on TV and in the movies, where parents marry someone new and everyone lives happily ever after. It would be nice to meet someone special who I would want to be a husband to me and a step-father to you, but that might not happen at all or would be years and years from now, and no one will ever replace your dad."

Then instead of just focusing on the negative, see if there is anything practical that would help him feel better - more visits with his father? More frequent phone calls or Skype sessions? Is there a friend who has an involved dad who can include your son in some "father-son" sorts of activities (scouts, sports), or do you have a relative who can take on that role more actively? Is there a Big Brother/Big Sister chapter in your area that you could have him participate in?

Regarding dating. I think it's important to let him know that when you start dating, you'll spend a lot of time getting to know someone as a friend first to make sure that he's a good enough man to take seriously and only after that would he meet anyone you date. That dating is between the adults only and is something that you would do because it's fun for you if the right person comes along. Let him know that most dating relationships are not serious and end, and that you won't have him getting attached to someone who isn't going to be in your life for a long time. I think it's important to be crystal clear that not everyone you date will be husband and dad material, that when you are ready to date you will meet some great people and some you end up not liking and that you'll always put your son first.

You'll want to keep it simple and age-appropriate, but they do understand more than we think. Good for you for NOT dating and not exposing your son to other men. When you are ready to date, be sure to keep your dating life private so that your son doesn't get attached to everyone you meet. From what he said to you, it sounds like he would be very prone to getting attached and you of course want to spare him from having his hopes raised and dashed. Be sure to keep expectations really, really low.

There is a program called big brother s big sisters. Find it in your area. Basically it is a mentoring program. The bigs are all screened really well. They will match your son up with a man who will spend a couple hours a week. Sometimes they are young guys just out of college sometimes they are middle aged with a family. Sometimes grandfather aged. They don't do big expensive extravagant stuff. Just spend some time with a little boy who needs some male influence. It might be what you need. As you dating a guy who might or might not work out is not the answer to this problem.

He's imagining what it would be like.
The reality might not live up to his expectations.
What does he think a Daddy will be like?
I'm sure he's thinking of playing ball, going fishing (there's no reason you can't do that stuff with him) but there's also discipline, and someone besides you will be making rules and even if they love each other it doesn't mean they will like each other %100 of the time.
Most kids don't like the thought of possibly sharing their parent with someone else especially after they've had you to themselves for awhile.
Talking is fine, but actually finding a guy that's the right fit for your family might not be easy.

This whole subject is beyond a 7 year old's understanding.
They don't even know what dating is, nor what a boyfriend or girlfriend is.
And then when or if a dating relationship ends... they won't understand that either.
All they will know is, that the guy that Mommy brings home is my "Daddy" or not. And what is a Daddy? What is a "male" that Mommy brings home?
And just because you date someone, that does NOT make, the Boyfriend a "parent." I hope you know that, and that your son, knows that.
A Boyfriend, should NEVER be given, parenting rights to your own kid.
And your child, will come FIRST. Not the Boyfriend.
And when/if a relationship ends or if you stop dating someone... your son will be "sad" again. To see men come and go with his Mommy.
You need to think... about it all, and all the repercussions of it, on your son.
And when or if you date, your son should still come first.

Just because you date someone, that does not make him a "Daddy." Nor a "Daddy" or male figure to your son. BUT any guy you date... WILL HAVE an impact or influence on your son. In bad ways or good.
And you have to think... about that.

Just because a guy you date lives in the same town, that is not a 'Daddy.'
And your son, does not understand that.
Of course. He is only 7.

Poor kid. Sometimes you need to read between the lines. "Son, is it hard that your dad doesn't live in the same town? I understand that you miss him sometimes." And then offer hugs, or a phone call to his dad, or skype or whatever. My SD used to cry hysterically at drop offs and DH finally figured out that she missed her mom (who had moved out of our town) but she said she also missed DH when she was with her mom in the summer. So it's just...hard. And sometimes there's not a whole lot you can do. You dating someone isn't going to fill the hole left by his dad, but sometimes little things can matter. Like if his dad can come to a game or read him a book on skype or whatever.

You can also encourage him to hang out with an uncle or good friend or grandfather. My DD has an honorary local grandma who is one of my dearest friends. Her grandkids are not local and she and DD kind of help each other out.

Your son is too young to really understand based on his limited life experience and maturity, but I think it's important to help him to understand that when you date someone, that person isn't going to be his dad. His father is still his father, and he may have fantasies about some man swooping in and taking over that role, but he should know that most men looking for a relationship are not looking to be a daddy to someone else's child, and even if you married somebody, while you would never accept someone who didn't treat your son well, that person might have zero dad experience or might be busy trying to be a good dad to his own kids that he might have split custody or visitation with.
Your son might be a good candidate for the Big Brothers or a similar program, to match him with a male mentor/role model to spend time with.
Good luck