My Son Has No Friends :(

Updated on May 21, 2010
M.Z. asks from Pittsburgh, PA
23 answers

Hi. I am new to mamapedia, so thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

My son is 9 years old and in 3rd grade. He is very bright, and was just asked to test for the gifted program. He is a great kid.

The problem is he can't seem to make friends. Every weekend he walks up and down our street looking for kids to play with, and they all come up with excuses not to play with him. He occasionally finds someone to play with, or we invite someone from school that comes over, but it is never consistent, and he doesn't get a call from anyone else very often. For his last two birthday parties, we have had VERY low attendance (only 3 showed up for one of his parties).

It is breaking my heart, and I don't now how to help him. I really don't know what he is doing that annoys other kids. The only thing I can see is that he gets overexcited and wants to wrestle, etc., and sometimes doesn't know when to quit.

I want to help him make friends. He plays football and has played other sports as well. He tried Cub Scouts but hated it.

I am a very busy mom with a full time job and 3 kids, but I will make the time to do anything I can to help him.

To make things worse, he has a twin sister who makes friends very easily.

Can anyone help? Thank you so much.

2 moms found this helpful

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So What Happened?

Hi everyone! Thank you SO MUCH for all of your responses!

I did talk to his teacher, and she said he does well socially in school. She doesn't seem him have any really close friends, a "best" friend, but he does fine with the other boys and has a group he plays basketball with at lunch.

Maybe I need to focus on different kids ... finding kids in the neighborhood to play with is easy, but may not be the best for him. I am going to try some playdates with some new kids, and see where it goes.

I did some reading on Asberger's as well. There are some things I think fit, and some things that seem way off. I am keeping it in the back of my mind, though, and may talk to his pediatrician about it.

Thank you again everyone for being so supportive. God bless all of you wonderful moms out there!

Featured Answers

H.H.

answers from Killeen on

Is he aware of the difficulty or does he seem OK about it? If so, then have an honest conversation with him about it. Just ask him why he thinks he is having trouble, you could even ask his sister if she knows any reason why kids don't want to play with her brother.

1 mom found this helpful

R.C.

answers from York on

I don't have any advice to give but I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. It must be hard as a parent to watch this and not have an immediate solution.

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M.R.

answers from Columbus on

M.,

I am going to suggest a social skills class for kids with asperger syndrome. I am not suggesting that he has asperger syndrome, but he does have a great deal in common with children with that disorder, including being gifted and struggleing with making and keeping friends. Ask your school's guidence counselor for a list of therapists (some may be play therapists, cognitive behavioral therapists, or speech and langague therapists) and they will have weekly sessions where they learn how to interact with one another, it will be a group. He may find acceptance with aspies, and can make some friends who will not judge his skills while he learns.

It is usually affordable and effective.

The guidence counselor should get involved next year too, ask them for in school help.

M.

3 moms found this helpful

P.W.

answers from Dallas on

Do your best to find him activities away from school, where he may be labeled in some way. In the meantime, have you spoken to his teachers for some insight?

1 mom found this helpful

I.M.

answers from New York on

I feel we are talking about my almost 11 year old son (almost 12). My 10 year old son and 8 year old (almost 9) daughter make friends much easier than him.
They are always inviting friends to come over, and my 11 year old gets mad.
I've tried to get him involved in sports and he doesn't like them. But most recently he joined a christian group in school that meet every Thursday after school and since then, I have seen a change in him. I don't know what to tell you, but you certainly are not alone!
To be honest with you, I pray for him, I don't want him to feel pressure to have friends and then end up with the wrong ones. My only advise to you, from my own experience is 'prayer'. Often times when I don't know what to do about something, I pray. I pray for good and godly friends to come into his life, and I try to encourage him to invite them over.
Keep encouraging him, invite some friends over for him, surprise him on a Friday after school by having someone come over, maybe a sleep over if possible; and aside from that; pray girl, just pray.
Blessings

1 mom found this helpful
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K.B.

answers from Houston on

I know everyone hates it when someone chimes in with "a label" but have you ever considered that he might have Aspergers? You mentioned that he is very bright but also gets overexcited and obviously has trouble with social skills. These are hallmarks of Aspergers. Here's a link if you are interested in more information.

http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Articles/What-is-Asperger...

Good luck,
K.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Sioux Falls on

My middle son didn't "fit in" until he was about 14. It was really hard to watch. He makes friends easily now. I don't know what he does different. My heart goes out to your son, it was hard for me too when I was young. I think kids can be so mean...

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Keep trying different clubs, sports etc. Eventually he will find his niche. Try the kinds of things that smart kids do, like debate, or chess, if they have such things at his school.

3 kids at a party is enough. The terrible thing is if NO one shows up.

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C.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Ok I didn't read past the he may have autism post...You described MY nine yr old. He is in the gifted program and has had problems. We (my hubby and I) have stressed over this and have been told by his teachers. Gavin thinks on a different level due to his higher thinking level. So he has a hard time meshing with the kids on a normal level. When he gets done with his class work he goes around and helps others with theirs. Gavin goes to gifted and has tons of friends and has a grand old time at gifted school.

Get your son tested for gifted and go from there. Oh and Gavin loves to wrestle and run around.

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L.P.

answers from Philadelphia on

I don't have any good advice for you b/c my children are young, but I wanted to say that I know that must be heart-breaking! I wish you and your little guy the best. He is lucky to have a Mommy who cares so much!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

.... I know a kid like that.
Very bright.. advanced and gifted.
But he lacks social skills or understanding social nuances. Kids/adults say he is either arrogant or too impatient with others... he IS a nice kid though, and he doesn't do it on purpose. But he is just that way. So others find him... not real pleasant to hang out with. And yes, he is in all kinds of clubs/extracurricular activities/sports... but his personality is still the same.

His Mom tries to teach him/socialize him... but his personality is just sort of rigid. He knows the answers to EVERYTHING and could be a rocket-scientist already. But he lacks common everyday social ability and understanding... and ability for reciprocity or letting others have the lead in things. Nice kid though... but even I find him a bit hard to take. Again, he's a nice kid... but although real smart/gifted... he is not real emotionally mature or knowing that stuff.

I don't know.. it also has to do with the "vibes" a kid/person give out. And in turn, others treat you or shun you to a certain degree. His Mom says, that he doesn't know how to be a "kid." That because he is so smart.. everything spontaneous or silly, to him, is just awkward for him. But, he does have 1 or 2 friends, that the Mom invites over a lot, for him to play w with. One of the friends is a brain like him. So they do those kinds of things. The other friend is the opposite... and real playful and boyish and spontaneous/creative... and it is with this friend, that her son can sort of let go of his "brainy-ness" and just act like a kid, too. And then she sees him actually acting his age... and being loose and having fun.

all the best,
Susan

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Try getting him involved in taekwondo. He'll meet kids and they'll be learning together. There's no one on our block my son's age (we're out in the country and the other kids are in high school, my son's in 5th grade) but he has fun reading, helping me with what ever I'm doing or playing with the neighbors dog. He has friends at school and he helps warm up the taekwondo class (he's a black belt). It seems everywhere we go everybody knows him.

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J.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

My son is very similar. He's not in the gifted program (but he was tested on a recommendation so he is bright). Since he's been very young (he went to daycare), he's been the type of kid that can play in group but that is also just as happy on his own. When he is alone, he is always "busy", never complains about boredom. I used to "make" him seek other kids to play with because it seemed like kids were always out and although he's friendly with them, he just wasn't joining in. But now I think it's his personality, he joins in when he feels like it and hangs back when he doesn't. Like I said and this took me a while to accept, he's a very happy kid that just does things on his own terms. Does your son seem happy or is he really upset about his social situation? I'd go by that. If he's upset about it then you should contact the teacher and maybe have him talk to the school counselor and then go from there. Good luck!

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C.B.

answers from Philadelphia on

Have you tried talking to his teacher to see how he interacts with the other kids at school? Or perhaps speak to some of the parents of the kids in the class to see if the kids say anything? That could be hard and you would have to be very open to listening to what they have to say (if anything) but it could help you see why the kids don't want to play with him - perhaps it's something simple that can be adjusted. I'm sure it's heart-breaking to see him not able to make friends easliy. One other suggestion would be to have his sister invite a bunch of friends over to play (both girls and boys) and he can play with them. Perhaps being introduced into the group that way, with a bunch of different kids and activities may be easier. Good luck!

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C.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi! I'm a mom to a 6-year old girl with Asperger's. She's gifted also, and quite the hoot! I don't agree a lot with Kirsten, I'm afraid. I'm a big fan of labels. Yes, they certain can cause anxiety, but they also provide services. My daughter has changed so much in the last year and half when we got her assessed! She's now in kindergarten and has a good number of friends. More importantly, she's happy, which she wasn't when we first got her assessed.

I don't think I ever heard of an official Asperger diagnosis where an IQ test wasn't conducted. The IQ doesn't rule out Asperger's however. Like I said, a high IQ child could still have Asperger's. What the IQ test does is put the Asperger's more in context. For example, my daughter scored pretty high in some areas. In other kids, autism may be ruled out, but because my daughter is so off-the-charts in some areas, she's still considered autistic because of the gap that exists in social skills vs. what she's capable of in other areas. I hope that makes sense.

Also, Asperger's doesn't manifest itself the same way from child to child. Some Asperger kids may not care about having friends, but others definitely do, for example. There are certain things that do seem to be fairly consistent, however. One is the inability to read other people. My daughter can actually do this, but she still doesn't do it in practice. Another is the rigidity. Ugh! And many kids with Asperger's will obsess over certain topics and talk your ear off about them. Other kids do find their differences odd!

It is very possible that your child is so gifted that other kids can't relate to him. It's also possible that something else is going on. Don't despair, there are ways he can make friends, in either case. The best way is to find after-school activities where he'll be with other smart, quirky kids like himself! My daughter naturally gravitated to kids like her and learned a great deal of how to relate to them on her own!

If you do get your son assessed, and he qualifies for services, he'll learn to relate to other kids better. Smart kids do really well with learning these techniques!

I'm sure he'll do fine with some help!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

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K.S.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I would not jump to the conclusion of a diagnosis like others have suggested. I would talk with his teacher at school and his guidance counselor. I would ask what they think about his social behaviors. I would also ask that they suggest a few children who he socializes well with, and(after talking it over with your son of course!) I would invite them over to play, see a movie, etc. Sometimes all a child needs is a little help.

As far as the rough housing, I would certainly watch that. I know a kid who does this. He hurts other kids, the parents don't seem to notice, and the other kids have really stopped playing with him.

If his teacher or guidance counselor think that Asperger's could be a possibility, then pursue this evaluation. Hang in there. I really feel for you. It is so heartbreaking when we watch our kids struggle.

K.T.

answers from Chicago on

Be careful about assuming that your son has any "diagnosis" because that can lead to a lot of unecessary anxiety. If you feel comfortable with the idea, then you can take your son to be tested for giftedness and that same professional can look at other possibilities such as Aspergers etc. The difficulty is that many children are misdiagnosed with Aspergers when in fact they are gifted.

People have tried to label my 4 yr. old daughter with Aspergers however I actually did get her tested for that and it came out negative. She is incredibly intelligent and sometimes highly intelligent children have difficulty socially. My daughter gets along much better with adults, older children, and much younger children...however children her own age frustrate her and she tends to fight with them. She can be domineering...wanting to be in control and does challenge authroty. Interestingly enough, she does have some boundary issues in that she just walks up to almost any kid, tries to take their hand to go play. But yet her perception is uncanny. Her comment one day to a girl in her preschool amazed me in that this girl told my daughter that another girl in the class wasn't going to be there on that day...and my daughter looked at her and stated..."does that mean you're going to be nice to me today?"

This being said...I have had to work very hard with my daughter about dealing with other children. Adults absolutely love her, she carries on a conversation, is very polite and a lot of fun to be with, however I have to take extra time with her about social skills with other kids. She has a high intellect, however she is still 4 and her ideas do not necessarily jive with other 4 yr. olds., particularly girls.

An Aspergers kid doesn't really realize the importance of making friends...they have difficulty reading other people's emotions, body language...they don't understand joking around or "beating around the bush." They are very concrete and are often rigid in their routines to the point of melt downs if that need is not met.

My daughter is also exciteable...I was told that her high energy level was indicative of her intellect due to the fact that challenges are easily overcome and she gets bored easily. There is a lot of information about gifted children and aspergers...as well as ADHD, etc. Kids are so often misdiagnosed. A gifted child can in fact have Aspergers, ADHD, etc. It is hard to determine that by yourself.

I wish you the best of luck. Try to keep from diagnosing your child...I almost fell into that trap and the anxiety was unecessary. If you choose to get him tested, whatever the results are...it can be worked with. I am very open and honest w/my daughter and pretty much tell it like it is. She is naieve in that she thinks that everyone is going to follow the social rules she has been taught...high intellect does not necessarily breed wisdom and she seems to be a kid that takes the hard road sometimes.

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J.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have a son your son's age and I will say that he would probably not want to hang out with a child who gets "overexcited and likes to wrestle". I think that maybe you are downplaying this and it is probably a big part of the reason why the kids don't want to play with him. Also, you need to talk to his teacher and any other adults who are in the position to observe him interacting with the other kids. This will give you a clearer picture of how he really is with the other kids.

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L.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Did you try asking his twin what she thinks about why he doesn't seem to have friends and what he could change? Would she be willing to help him learn some 'tricks' or social skills that she uses to help him out?

She is around him and around his school mates as well as the kids in his neighborhood and probably would have the best insights on what's going on and what could be improved.

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi, M.:

I would suggest that you talk to his guidance counselor at school.

I would also suggest that you help him push through his issues with the
scouting program. Ask his scout leader for help to get him to push through his issues. He needs to learn that sometimes he has to push through his issues and learn how to be a friend before he can have friends.

Good luck. D.

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K.S.

answers from Miami on

My daughter is going through the same thing. Same age. She gets bullied. 1st and foremost make sure you put the school on notice because what starts out as no friends etc will turn into bullying. Definitley get him involved in outside activities. This way he can learn that he just an individualist and that makes kids uneasy. They look for that odd duck out and go after them. Definitley get him some self defense classes and some self esteem ones too if you can. Once his self esteem improves it wont matter so much to him what others think and if he is taught self defense. They will think twice before bullying him.

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V.G.

answers from Portland on

I agree with involving him in "outside of school" activities. Are their libraries or children's museums around? Often times they will have classes/groups aimed at more educational activities- and so perhaps the other children there would feel at ease being around your son since he's more advanced in that area.
Whatever happens, as long as he knows he has your support and love, it will be much easier on him. Way to be a proud fierce momma bear!

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K.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

Well, my first piece of advice is to talk to his techer at school. Ask her for her hoset opinion about how he interacts with those of his age socially. If your school has a socail worker/psychologist/guidance counselor, that's an avenue to try as well. Getting perspective on how he interacts with those in his peer groups will help you to make suggestions & maybe even role play to help him.
I'm not sure that this is the issue, either, but sometimes kids who have trouble socially & are bright really have a form of autism called Asberger's syndrome. Children with Asbergers have trouble socially - they don't know how to read people's emotions and have to learn the cues to respond correctly in a social manner. I have no idea if that's the case, but getting input from his teachers at school who see him interact with kids all day will start to give you a clue.
Good Luck!

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