My Son Has Epilepsy. How Would You Handle Playdates?

One of my brothers has had a seizure disorder since he was 3. It never interfered with his social life. My mom would just tell the parent about it, what to look for, what to do if they thought he was having a seizure, etc. It was no big deal at all. Lots of kids have health issues that require that the hosting parent be extra careful with - food allergies, fear of pets, diabetes, etc. Communicating your concerns and any steps they need to take, just like you did with the sleepover, is key.

Regarding pools...again, communication is key. I know there are parents out there who let their kids swim with minimal or no direct supervision. I am not one of them. When my kids are in the pool, I am sitting on the pool deck or in the water. I think that if you were to explain your concern for extra vigilance around water because of the risk of drowning while having a seizure, any reasonable parent would assure you that of course he or she is right out there with eyes on the kids all the time. Those that waffle a bit, or say "oh they're fine they'll yell out of they need anything" are the ones to avoid.

I don't think you need to go to all the play dates. Maybe just the swimming ones until the you're confident that the other parents know what to do.

Knowledge is power. Your son is 10(?). He can be an advocate for his own health. He can tell his friends about how to handle his seizures. "Look, if I start to _______, help me lay down so I don't bonk my head, and then go get help. Don't let me fall into the pool, that would suck." Or whatever. If he has any signs to watch out for, it would be good for him to tell folks about those. And if he recognizes certain symptoms that alert him to an impending seizure, he should know to tell folks around him and then get in a position where he can be safe while he seizes.

You give parents guidance too. Perhaps a card with information and phone numbers? VistaPrint business cards with information printed on them aren't that costly. 500 for $16.

Good luck! And prayers for you and your family in helping your son to be independent and happy.

My son's best friend has epilepsy, and unfortunately they haven't been able to find a med that keeps it well controlled. He still has seizures frequently enough, although they are mild, he just kind of goes into a blank stare for a couple minutes and then needs about 10 minutes to kind of snap back to his normal self.
I am totally fine with this, but the one thing that really helped me was my friend letting me know ahead of time EXACTLY what to do when he does have a seizure and what to expect.
I have to say though that I am NOT comfortable with taking him anywhere like the beach or pool, because I have two other kids and get distracted. I would never forgive myself if he had a seizure and drowned.
So my advice is to be up front with parents if they ask for playdates and explain what might happen if he has a seizure, what to do, and what to expect (also so they can explain to their kids what is going on). And if there is water involved, be prepared to go with your child.

Hi S.,
I get this big time. My son has epilepsy. He has just graduated college, but I so remember those days of angst when he was still within my control.

My advice is to be very open about his epilepsy. You cannot follow him around his whole life. There is risk involved no matter who you are. The last thing you want to do is make him feel like he can't fly on his own. When my son was young I would explain to the other parent that my son had epilepsy. It was controlled, but ...... you just never know. If the Mom was UNcomfortable I would have the kids at my house or follow along for a cup of coffee, but that rarely happened. You will be surprised how many people know about epilepsy and are willing to learn what to do in the event of a seizure (if they don't already know what to do). The epilepsy foundation has cards that explain what to do in a seizure if you can get your hands on some of those and just hand them out.

In regard to swimming....... I always insisted on being there when both my sons went swimming. Epilepsy or not, unless I knew there would be two adults that I trusted implicitly.

Not sure this was a pearl of wisdom. It's so hard.... I well know this. I'm afraid the angst never goes away completely, but its so rewarding to see your baby gain confidence and soar.

Best Wishes to you.

One of my closest friends in Elem/Middle school has epilepsy and we all had playdays/pool parties/etc.... we all knew about the seizures (he had a grand mal at recess one day and yes were scared but we were more concerned for him). Our teachers actually taught us about it and a few parents who were Drs and Nurses came and talked to us and we learned what to do if it happened again (he was in the hospital for 3 days - he hit his head really hard)

Back to get togethers - it never stopped us and his mom hung out sometimes but since we all knew what to do, he knew what to do and parents knew what to do it was all fine. It didn't slow him down at all and it did take a bit for his Dad to relax some but he finally realized that we (his friends) kept a closer eye on him than even the parents LOL

So my only thing is to empower your son & his friends - you will be amazed at kids

How about having some playdates for him at your home or at a park where you can keep an eye on him too without neccesarily "tagging along".

Then allow him to go on a few play dates with those you know best. Let them know that he needs an extra watchful eye especially around water because he could have a seizure although they are controlled.

Please don't go on the play dates. I would encourage you to have a conversation ahead of time with the parents and make sure that they are comfortable with the medications and what to do, but drop him off and let him have fun.

I completely understand the concern about water, but at some point you and your husband have to give him some freedom to be a kid! Communication is KEY. Let the parents know what to look for (if he has any warning signs), what to do should something happen (call 911 FIRST, then me on my cell) and make sure that you are not more than 15 minutes away the first few times.

My son had a friend at his former preschool with diabetes (4 yrs old) and his mother did what I described above. She talked with me for a LONG time about "what to look for and what to do". She also let me know that I could call her with ANYTHING while he was at our house. She showed me his "pump" and checked his sugars before leaving. He knew how to do his tests, so he tested before lunch, we called his mom, she adjusted the pump with her cell phone and we went about our day.

Communication and prayer. Really... if a parent is uncomfortable, they will tell you. Otherwise, drop him off and hit the local park with the little one!

Please let him go to his friends house alone. Just talk to the other mother. Knowledge is power. When was his last seizure and how often does he get them. Empower him too. Have him tell the kids. Kids are accepting. They will say ok and go on playing. Tou cannot shadow him his whole life. You will cripple him. A tally a very young diabetic is much harder to handle. Give him the freedom he deserves. Swimming would depend on the mother. That would be a case by case decision Let him enjoy his childhood please. I let my diabetic daughter enjoy life and she rode horses. She now teaches riding, trains horses a d manages farms. She told me once that letting her have a normal life was the best gift I ever gave her

For your husband, talk to the pediatrician and ask for best practices. Your son is getting older and is going to have to manage his epilepsy himself. He needs to start doing this now. He needs to have his confidence and independence supported in dealing with his condition. If the doc can give your hubby some reassurance, maybe he will relax a bit. Sometimes they listen better to professionals.

I'd tell the parents, then ask them whether they are willing to handle the extra responsibility or if they would prefer you to come. I think most parents will be hypervigilant if you warn them of a potential problem -- I know I am with my students and friend's kids who have health issues. Also, talk to your son about informing the other parents ... as he gets older, you'll be transferring more and more of the responsibility for managing his condition to him.

Since his epilepsy is most well-controlled, I think you should be able to send him on play dates without staying. When you're setting up the play date, tell the mom about his condition and make sure she'd be comfortable watching him and keeping an eye if there are warning signs that he might have a seizure. Emphasize the importance of extra diligence at the pool. There's no reason to keep his condition a secret.

You also need to teach them exactly how to respond in case he does have a seizure. Tell them, but also type it up step by step and keep it with his medication. A lot of people who have no personal experience with seizures have misconceptions from things they've heard on TV or through the grapevine, but most of us (myself included) wouldn't really know exactly how best to respond in the moment.

If I was in the other person's shoes, I would be totally comfortable watching your child, or any child with a controlled medical condition. I'd also be ok giving medication if needed. I wouldn't feel that I had to cancel a play date or ask the other mother to stay.

My son has food allergies. I used to be scared of sending him on play dates but now I just have a conversation with the other mom in advance. I pretty much limit him to eating only fruit at other people's houses, since otherwise we can never know for sure. A few of his closest friends know of some other snacks (crackers, chips) that are also safe, but for new friends, I say fruit only. I sent along his benadryl and epipen, plus a list of his allergies and phone numbers in case of emergency.

If you are allowing playdates, I would assume you trust the parents/family. I think ensuring that any parent knows how to respond to your son, should he experience a seizure during the playdate is important. Also make sure your son wears the medic-alert bracelet or necklace. It is important that your son, friends, and community learn along the way that he can live his life even while you are away for any amount of time.
My kids are prone to nosebleeds (I know epilepsy is so much more serious) but I have taught them how to stop them and clean up after themselves.
I went to highschool with someone who had seizures and we all learned to support her during a seizure and never did anything get out of hand. Many of us would just make sure she had space, be safe and gave her privacy as she recovered.

My son has a severe peanut allergy. Not epilepsy, but still something that I will have to warn playdate parents of in the future. I understand your fears, especially around water! I am like your husband - worried that other parents might not be as vigilant about watching as they should be. Especially around a pool - so many moms of older children bring their kids to the pool and sit back, tan, read a book, etc. and leave the nitty gritty supervising to the life guards. I hear ya there!

I agree with the other posts to not accompany your son on every play date. However, if it is a new parent and a trip to the pool, I might be more apt to tag along to help supervise. Empower your son that at the pool he should always have a "buddy" to keep an eye on each other. Like I remember at camp, they did "Buddy checks" - they would yell out buddy check and you had to find your buddy and hold your hands together. Every one had a pair. You couldn't swim without a buddy to help keep an eye on you and be near you at all times. Not sure if this is something you might trust his friends to do, but it might be an idea. If something happened, then there would be someone to get help right away in case the mom wasn't watching as closely or lost track in the chaos of a busy pool? Just a thought...

All said, I think it is a matter of educating the parents and your son to be able to share this with his friends. :-) Good luck! Enjoy summer with that popular son of yours! :-)

I just don't understand why people send their kids to someone else's home and don't expect to stay and supervise their own children. I would not take my other child either. I'd leave him at home with dad.

I think in this instance you should go with your son. Don't drop him off. No one need ever know he has this issue.

I'm not sure but I think that if one of my kids had a friend over that had the same condition as your son, I'd watch him even closer!!!!! :)