I feel so lonely and lost right now and maybe I just need to vent here my frustrations. The most beautiful period of the year is getting close and I cannot enjoy it! I'm 28 SAHM with 1 year old little boy. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Our marriage was never ok, always on the rocks, with huge fights and disappointments. But after the birth of our son we grew even much apart. He is very impulsive, emotionally unstable and gets verbally violent (and sometimes even physical ). He calls me names, curses me, yells at me...Whenever I don't agree with him, whenever he is having a bad day he starts the fight. I find it so hard to remain calm during his verbal attack (I even say a prayer in my mind). If I lose my temper and I also start yelling, name calling, then he gets physical. Not very "hard"only some bruises. I have to admit that in the past when he became physical I also reacted, I threw things at him, I scratched him on purpose...anyway, what I want you to know is that I think I grew up a little bit and now I have better control of my emotions and I can remain calm, but God, it is so hard! He says such cruel things to me and it hurts me so much that I cannot even breath in those moments. He is intentionally hurting me, I talked to him so many times, I asked him to review his behavior but unfortunately no change in him. He may be all sweet after a fight but the fights repeat as a pattern every 2-3 weeks- depends on his mood.
I feel like his doorstep and it's so difficult for me to acknowledge this. I left home so many times after terrific fights but he would call me, beg me to forgive him. And I went back every time.
Yesterday he got home so nervous from work. Nothing was ok, the meal was bad, the house was not clean. I know he was only upset from work and I told him that he shouldn't take it down on me. He told me that he is so bored with me, that he made a huge mistake by marrying me, that I don't deserve him. In the evening he wanted to make love to me...after all these hurtful remarks...so confusing...
Due to his behavior I find it very difficult to get intimate with him. This is another thing he reproaches me. That I lost any desire to be with him. He threats me with divorce, that he will go to other women.
At the moment I have such a low esteem of myself. I take refuge in eating, I gained so many extra pounds!!!Eating has became my only escape. I cannot stop eating even if I'm full!
My mother thinks that I also have a part of guilt because I "cannot keep my mouth shut". She is very easily irritable and is always criticizing everything I do (from cooking to talking). I think I won't ever please her. I cannot talk with her about my problems, her answer is:"You are also to blame, you are impulsive, and it is normal that he loses his temper with you. Try to change yourself". She says that she cannot decide for myself, but she can reassure me that to be a singe parent is very hard (she's divorced).
I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I would go to counseling, but being a SAHM means less money. I would appreciate any suggestion from you. I want my marriage to work, if I could just find a solution. Besides his negative aspects my husband claims to love me, has not cheated on me (I know for sure), loves his son very much.
Thank you for your time! Wish you all best in the New Year and Marry Christmas to everyone!
The cycle of violence: build up of tension - explosion - honeymoon. Please give yourself and your child a huge, huge holiday gift and go to a shelter. The longer you stay, the more liable you are to lose yourself and/or lose your life. Please consider the example you will be setting for your child. By doing this, I'm not suggesting ending your marriage, but you will be saving your life by leaving.
Three words K.:
You. Deserve. Better.
All THREE of you deserve better.
But especially you. Honestly, sounds like you married your mother.
Obviously, learning to communicate is the first and most important step if you want to save your marriage, or even have a tolerable life.
You can ask him to help, ask him to LEARN to communicate with you. You can try that.
But mostly, save yourself. Get yourself back. Find something that turns you on and DO it. A lot.
If you were my kid I'd totally guilt you about laying down and letting your life suck. MY kid is better then that. YOU are better than that.
You are better than this.
;{
Sweetie, no. You should not be thinking of ways you can save this. I'm sorry but you really are in danger. I know you don't think so, and you're used to the routine, and definitely have low self esteem and self blame (thanks to your mom saying these things are your fault-this has really damaged your lens on reality) to be thinking of ways you are causing this. You know what? We all have or bad days, our smart mouths, our weight gain phases, our phases where we don't want to have sex. A man who is not a SERIOUS DANGER would never physically attack you NO MATTER WHAT. Not even remotely. Not even a little shove. You don't cross that line. Even if you retaliated that's two steps past the deal breaking limit by that point. My husband and I have had a couple of DOOZIE fights-maybe two or three in ten years- and have said some pretty intense things, but he would never lift a finger to me in anger. Even if I physically attacked him, which I never have.
You are very very deeply immersed in a situation you cannot see, and you need to get out. You said it yourself, things were never good, and now they're worse, you can't create or save something that is not reality, such as a good relationship with this man. There is nothing to restore, and it's not OK for your child. You are in danger. Please talk to a shelter for some safe plans you can be making. And don't listen to your mom. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If a miracle occurred, and AFTER a divorce, he went through a spiritual overhaul, full body blood transfusion, spiritual rebirth and brain transplant, and come crawling back willing to do ANYTHING to get you back, with a definite plan he was already executing, you could consider if you wanted to try. But thoughts on saving this have no place right now, for your child's safety. He could harm you and harm your child in a panic. The best thing you can do for yourself and you child is be strong, get away, and meet a nice man in the future. You can't change this one.
Your relationship sounds dangerous--there are many places that offer counseling on a sliding scale. You need to go. Call 2-1-1 which is a clearinghouse of local services and they may be able to direct you. Call some local churches and see if they have counseling available. Call the Local Women's shelter- see if they have any programs or classes in the community. Learn about them and the services they offer, because you may need their services. Working on yourself is a good idea, but if your husband is not willing to go to counseling or make major changes then you are will continue to have serious problems and the violence my escalate. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas season.
Please get out. The violence will not get better, it will only get worse. Your mother is an idiot. Nothing you can do can "make" a man hit you. You have NO PART of the guilt. So what if you can't keep your mouth shut? You shouldn't have to in order to be safe.
I've done a little looking and am listing some local resources for battered women. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE - A BATTERED WOMAN. Don't kid yourself, don't shy away from the truth. For your sake and your son's, please call one of the numbers below and get help!
And please, once you get yourself to a safe place, let us know how you are doing.
(800) 572-SAFE (7233) -New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.womanspace.org/
WOMENRISING, INC.
270 Fairmount Avenue, Jersey City, NJ 07306
Emergency Shelter
24 Hr. Hotline: ###-###-####
TTY:
Fax:
Email: Website:
###-###-####
###-###-####
____@____.com
www.womenrising.org
Outreach
270 Fairmount Ave, Jersey City, NJ 07306
Ph:
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Oh, K., I'm so glad you decided to reach out here and talk to us. I'm so sorry you are going through this and of course it is keeping you from enjoying this beautiful time of the year. Sounds like your mother is a bit like your husband, keeping you down and not encouraging you to be all you can be. I think if you and your husband are meant to be together some time apart would help you both to grow and develop and become better people. Isnt that what you want for your child? For both parents to be better people and better parents? Right now you cant stop the patterns of fighting and him saying horrible things to his child's mother. Have you reached out to anyone else? a pastor at any church would help you... a womans shelter could help you to get out on your own and start to rebuild your self esteem. This would force your husband to work on himself in order to get you back. But--at first he will react in anger, causing a very dangerous situation for you and your child. so please get some support in your area. We'll be praying for you....
While you say you are just venting, I have a feeling you want to know whether you should withstand this behavior or not.
I wouldn't. There's a time I might have, but I have found my voice, and I would not put up with it now.
Any time you even tried to better yourself, he would belittle you so that you wouldn't try. Then your self esteem would continue to be low.
Your mother is telling you not to find your voice. She doesn't want you to have one, either. Her advice reflects what she would do. Her advice doesn't sound like the advice you want to hear.
There is no reason for you to want to get intimate with him, given the fact that he feels he can physically hurt you.
Counseling with the right therapist will be the best money you will ever spend. Give yourself a Christmas present.
I wish the very best for you and your child.
do you think that he would talk to someone with you? or would he get mad if you suggest it? i ONLY say that because if he is TRULY committed to you, he'd do anything to keep you. but i don't want you to put yourself in danger. the bottom line is, if he's not willing to change, you MUST get out of this marriage. absolutely MUST. probably everyone will tell you the same thing. get out. there are women's shelters and they will protect you. help you get set up with a new life. i am sorry to say but that sounds like the most likely solution. i doubt very much if he is interested in changing to keep you, and make a better life for his son, right?
if you stay i promise your son will end up just like his father. he will treat YOU the way his dad does, and then he will treat his future WIFE that way. is that acceptable to you? your mother has you brainwashed and has raised you to think this is okay - it's not. if you are like me (and my husband was never physical or verbally abusive like you describe, but i have had a tiny window into that life) you will start to see your son taking on his father's qualities as he gets older and you will start to see what i am talking about. either you let it go and continue the cycle, or you stop it. it will not be easy but you CAN DO IT. good luck, i am praying for you.
YOU are strong enough to do this - and no one else is going to do it for you. the only way to make sure your son ends up better than his father, is to show him, by leaving, that IT IS NOT OKAY to treat someone like that. no amount of staying and trying to "raise him right" is going to override him seeing his dad treat you that way.
I totally understand the fear of leaving and facing single motherhood, but the best thing you can do not just for yourself but your son is to leave. Your son will be old enough soon to understand everything, and exposing him to an unhappy and abusive marriage will almost certainly cause him lifelong problems. They notice even when you think they don't. You can be a happier person. Men who behave like this do not change, and only you can take control of your life. I wish you all the best.
I can relate with you as I was and am still experiencing the same kind of treatment from my husband. Sometimes I think that he has a bipolar illness. You'll never know when he explodes. You are right. We never know what to expect. An ordinary conversation will lead to his volcanic temper of misinterpreting what you say. And, he will start a fight. My advice to you, although, it is hard as your mom admonished you is: Leave him while there is still time. He will never change. You are still young and i am sure you won't regret it when you reach my age which I am, 70 years old.
You deserve to be loved and respected. There is nothing that you have done to deserve this. He needs help...and you do, too. Please don't wait. He's probably depressed. Something similar happened with my husband...and he was up to no good behind my back, too. I was shocked. I was also SURE that couldn't be happening.
For years I was confused, depressed, and demoralized. He blamed me for all his problems and after a while I started to believe him. It was an emotionally abusive situation and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop it once he was in that mental state. If I could do it over I would have gotten to a great couples therapist at the first signs of trouble. I also think temporary separation might have been good while working things out.
This started after the birth of our first child. After the second he was so sick that he did crazy things and said the cruelest most hurtful things.
He controlled all the money and when I wanted to have him leave I realized we had none. He wasn't paying the bills on time and the money was gone. I couldn't buy diapers. He was the problem and wouldn't leave. I had two small children when it all came crashing down.
He hit rock bottom in his depression and almost lost us...The only thing he has...before he got real help. Now that he is being treated and we are in counseling he is a new man...and shocked and mortified by his behavior. He is working very hard to rebuild his life but even still he has bad moments that I am vigilant about calling him out on. If he gets out of control I leave with the kids and take it to the therapist. I don't try to communicate when he's like that...no point.
Try not to think about divorce or money it's too overwhelming. Think about both of you being well and healthy. You deserve to be loved and happy and I'm sure you can be.
Good luck and be careful. Keep us posted!
If you can't get help for the marriage get out and work on building yourself up....Before he hurts you.
Also, sometimes the county has mental help services that are cheap or free. You did the right thing by reaching out. Good luck and keep us posted.
I know the church I go to has free counseling and has free childcare while in counseling sessions. Also my medical plan covers counseling and I have found at least one place that has free childcare as well, while in sessions. Sure I would need to pay a copay but child care is covered so it is worth it!
Forget about saving the marriage, it's too late for that. You need to get out of this relationship now, before it escalates even more, and you wind up severly hurt, or he hurts your son. Your son does not need to be around violence. He has a problem, and obviously he has no control over it, so get out of it now while you can. Call the police, and contact a battered women's shelter so you have a safe place to go. I would also seek some legal advice about what you need to do to start a seperation. Protect yourself and your son.
Just a few bruises? Do you realize that you are a battered woman? You are trying to deny this to yourself, or to accept blame by telling yourself that you've somehow egged him on and deserve this, but you do not. Please see the situation for what it is and get out before he kills you. This isn't an issue of marital problems. He is battering you and this behavior only gets worse with time. All abusers claim they love you, that you made them do it or that they are doing it for your own good. You don't need to change yourself. You need to document what he's done to you and meet with a lawyer to find out how to get out. Go to a shelter if you must. If he puts his hands on you again, call the cops immediately, press charges and get a restraining order.
K.,
You just made me cry. No one should ever treat you like this. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve a good life and a good man who will take care of you. You will not find one if you're stuck with Senor psychopath.
Some of us get stuck with not so good moms either. Promise yourself you will be better to your children than your mom is to you. Pray and ask for Gods help with these things. but, you need to act fast before something really bad happens! Go to a local church. If they dont help, go to another. Usually there are really good people that can help you out or connect you with someone who can. Please, let me know how you are. e=mail if you like.
Remember God loves you. A lot!! Take care of yourself and your son.You can do it.
I think being single is better then this. You will be surprise of the support systems out there for single mothers. I would leave and try and work it on your own. I think you will feel much better. Start a new capter, with your baby. You will be surprised on how strong you can be when you have a little that needs you. :)
Dear K.,
The way this man is treating you is beyond terrible. For your sake and the sake of your child, you need to get out. There is no justification, ever, no matter what, for a man to be physically violent with his wife. I've pasted the results of a quick google search on women's shelters in your area. Shelters are often full, but keep calling -- eventually you'll find one with space. And -- I'm thinking of you! I'm sure every woman who read your post is doing so as well. We're all there, somehow, pulling for you. Please just call a shelter and get yourself and your little boy somewhere safe.
Shelter info below:
Real House
maps.google.com
Place page
60 Hazelwood Road
Bloomfield
###-###-####
Women's Survival Space
www.cadvny.org
Place page
PO Box 200279
Brooklyn, NY
###-###-####
Project Solution
maps.google.com
Place page
355 South 6th Street
Newark
###-###-####
Babyland Shelter
maps.google.com
Place page
540 Ridge Street
Newark
###-###-####
Phipps Houses
www.phippsny.org
Place page
1591 Fulton Avenue
Bronx, NY
###-###-####
Urban Renewal Corporation
maps.google.com
Place page
12 Myrtle Avenue
Newark
###-###-####
Phipps Houses
www.phippsny.org
1 Google review
1415 Fulton Avenue
Bronx, NY
###-###-####
Your his captive audience because your not working right now. You also think criticism is a normal part of a relationship because u have that with your mother. Being a single mother is not easy but neither is being spoken to like that. You need to lose weight if that will
make u feel good about yourself maybe get a part time job so he doesn't feel he has total control over you and use the money to get counseling if that doesn't work u may have to leave for good.
God bless and good luck!
You've gotten so many good answers... just want to add my two cents of support. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you? He needs to be part of the solution. You can't fix this on your own.
"Not cheating on you" is not enough. He is abusing you, and you deserve better!!
Please act on some of the advice you have received. You did the right thing by reaching out. Stay safe, and take care of yourself. Sending you lots of strength and good wishes. xoxo
You are an abused woman who is caught in your husbands controlling grip. Please face the facts and either get help or get out because if he is willing to hit you now it WILL escilate unless he (and you) get help!! I know it takes two to fight but your mother is wrong. Your marriage should be a give and take and have open communication and work on things like two ADULTS! Please get help ASAP! I know money is tight (I'm a SAHM too and money is scarce here too) but it will be money well spent to get the help to either fix your marriage or get out before he seriously hurts you or your son or worse. This is an emergency so please treat it as such!!!! God be will you!
God loved you before you were born...he would not want you treated this way. Please pray, but leave this man. He is not treating you well and it will affect your child too. You are worth it and I'm sure you'll find friends that will show that to you. Your child loves you and you need to love yourself. Please take the advice of the other women here and take shelter. You will be thankful you did. God Bless
