My Rocky Marriage

Hi M.,

I am so sorry to hear this. I would be absolutely devastated to find out something like this. But I'm a firm believer that marriage is for life. We swore before God to love each other till death do us part and plan on upholding that. As hard as it's going to be for you, it sounds like you two are starting down the right track.

I would stop asking him questions about her. He is hurting as badly as you are right now. For some reason, he felt that he wasn't getting what he should from you and he turned to someone else. I'm not saying that he was right but (at least at the time) he felt vindicated about it. You are just making yourself feel worse by comparing her to you. YOU are his wife. YOU are the mother of his children. YOU are the one he's choosing to go through counseling with. YOU need to help correct why this happened. I HIGHLY suggest that you read the book "Love and Respect".

Very very good reading. I believe it says (don't quote me) that the biggest reason that men cheat is because they don't feel RESPECTED by their spouse. They know that you love them but men need RESPECT. In the bible it tells our husbands to love us BUT it tells us wives to RESPECT our husbands. You need to sit down and make a list about all the things that you repect about your husband. Then share them with him. If you give him what he needs, he will give you what you need. It doesn't always seem fair about who has to take the first step but YOU need to initiate this and save your marriage. For your sake, your husbands' sake, and your children.

On the radio a couple months ago I heard a speaker saying he split the room into 2. Men on one side and women on the other. He gave them a choice. Be loved but disrepected your entire life OR have respect from everyone but have nobody love you. EVERY SINGLE MALE chose to be respected!!! EVERY FEMALE chose to be loved!

As hard as this is, it will get better. Continue going to Christian counseling and do not throw this in his face. That will only put a bigger rift between you two. I wish you all the best.

First M., I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's comforting to know that you believe in God, so I bet you've been praying hard.
Do you have to right to know about the other woman? YES!
I think so, because you're never gonna have any closure to this if your questions aren't answered. On top of the questions such as: "what does she look like", "what does she have that I don't have" - you might be wondering other things like, "did she know he was married?", "did he tell her he was unhappy in his marriage", "did he make me sound like I was the bad guy?" - I guess what I'm getting at is I would want to know what motivated him to seek elsewhere.
He needs to be honest with you. And you need to know if he is not happy, what the signs are if he is unhappy and what you can do about it so he doesn't have the urge to go elsewhere.
But getting back to the other woman, explain to your husband, that his affair has made you feel like you're not important, not the love of his life, and you need to know you are. You're not trying to badger him, but this is eating at you and you want it to stop.
I'm glad you're getting some counseling from your pastor and I hope that helps the two of you open a dialogue about all this.
Get all this out of the way before you give birth to your baby. You want a happy home for your child!
Good Luck and God Bless.

Aww I am so sorry that you are going through this. First of all, I would like you to know that you aren't alone, many women go through this and worse. One thing you need to realize is that it isn't YOUR fault, your husband and this woman knew they were doing wrong, it is their cross to bear. Do not try to reason it out, it would drive you crazy and won't help. Stop asking about her, it isn't about her, it is about your husband's bad choice. You did nothing.. NOTHING to cause this and asking if she was better or what you weren't doing that he needed this isn't going to help you forgive or deal with it. You will never forget it but you can get past it. Your husband needs to do his part on being completely open, let you check his emails, phone messeges and such, he has to earn back the trust. Most of all when you do start feeling comfortable again in your marriage and know you made it through, let this be in the past. Don't bring it up whenever you get mad at him, it won't help the marriage if it is always in the forefront. Get some help for yourself and know that you need to make sure that you are feeling good about yourself so take time to be the person you want to be. Again.. DO NOT take responsibility over this, even the worse wife in the world doesn't deserve to be cheated on and you are a good wife and person.

"He gave them a choice. Be loved but disrespected your entire life " What a moronic statement... you can't love someone w/ out treating them w/ respect. Saying you love someone and not respecting them is what abusers do.

That being said I agree w/ the pastor who said in addition to meeting with your pastor make sure you get outside the church for counseling. If you're looking for a great counselor (christian based as you mention your pastor)e-mail me as I have a really great person I can refer you to. It is the cheating partner who has the issues not the one who was cheated on so please stop beating yourself up. Good luck with this journey.

Hi M.! I wasn't going to respond but one response compelled me. Do not listen to people who tell you that your marriage problems are your fault because you didnt "RESPECT" him. I absolutely hate books like "Love and Respect" and "Created to be His Helpmeet" that put all the responsibility for a husbands actions on some terrible flaw of the wife. It's a sick and UNBIBLICAL theology.

The Bible FIRST talks about men and how they are to love their wives and give their lives up for them. This is NOT hinged on your respect for him!

Please, please know that your feelings are normal. You have been betrayed and your hubby is LUCKY that you are trying to work it out. I believe that God can redeem any marriage, but your hubby needs to regain your trust and he needs to know that it's going to take time and HE needs to put your fears at rest.

Now, about the questions that you have. Do you really want to know what she looks like? Would it torture you even more? If you saw a girl with that description would you wonder if it was her?
I don't know if this is good advice or not, but, here goes....

Write down every question that you have, don't leave anything out! Tell your counselor, separately, about the questions that you have and how to get them out of your mind. Ask God for peace! Ask Him to heal your heart! I DON'T think your hubby should answer your questions about this girl, for your own protection. Don't even let your mind go there! The reason he had a relationship with this person is NOT because of your flaws! It's because of HIS! Not because she is better, prettier, sweeter, nicer, etc. than you.

This is going to take time. Instead of asking these questions of your husband, tell him that you are feeling insecure, and ask him to hold you. Sometimes, all I need is reassurance that I am not alone and that I am loved. That is something tangible that your hubby can do to help heal your marriage.

Blessings on you, M.! I will pray for peace and healing for you! And DON'T listen to bad advice!

A few years ago, I came home early one night and walked in on my [now ex] boyfriend at home with another woman...I saw her, obviously, and asked him a million questions later on. Knowing what she looks like, and all of the details about what they did together, etc. does NOT help! I wish I hadn't known, because it just made all of my thoughts and images of them together that more vivid and realistic. Even after 3 years, I still think about it sometimes. And it still gives me that sinking feeling and the emotions surface once again. It's going to be tough for a long while, but you should do everything possible to stay together for the kids' sake. Be strong and don't ever let anyone feel bad about yourself. This was his wrongdoing, not yours.

Wow! You do have a mess on your hands. If it was me I would Kick him out the nearest door but If you want to save the marriage I would consider counseling. Or try and work out what happened between the two of you to cause this. BE prepared for heartache and pain from what he says. This is an awful time but if you both want to save the marriage it is totally worth it. For some reason some husbands don't comprehend what marriage and children do to a relationship. Please try and speak with your husband in a manner that isn't condensending or littered with resentment and ask him the same. If you do decide to divorce I would not use blame game as this will cause the differences

Good Luck

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I read all the other responses, and I just wanted to add in something. Your husband must have wanted you to find out if he was using his cell phone to text. Think how easy it would have been for him to use another way to contact her and he choose his cell. That made it very easy for you to find out. The choices you make from here on out are up to you, and God bless you in making the ones that are right for you and your family. I just wanted to add in my two cents.
Good Luck,
B.

Hi M., Sorry you have to go through this. It's never easy, but even harder because you're pregnant. I think it's ok to trust him that he's ended things with the other woman, and you're doing the right thing by seeking counseling. Ideally, you would be strong and self-confident enough to just let this go and have faith. Since that is not the case right now, you do have a right to get answers to your questions, and it would be best to get closure on this issue before your baby comes.

Some mamas are suggesting you leave your husband. I think you should give him another chance, for the sake of the time you've had together and for your kids. You will get through this, and you will be a stronger and better person (in counseling, you have the opportunity to work on self-confidence and insecurities). I imagine that your husband was going through issues or insecurities of his own, and he will have a chance to work on himself in counseling too.

Best of luck to you :)

My husband and I went through something similar. I think in all fairness, maybe you could have one more time to sit down and get all your questions answered. He is probably embarassed & doens't like to talk about it - he knows he screwed up. Stick with what you HAVE to know, don't drag details out of him that will haunt you. I also know Mark Gungor & like his materials. Counseling will definitely help you heal, but also seek out another couple you are friends with that you can trust with this information. You need people in your everyday life that care about you both. It has gotten much better for my hubby and I. And the truth is, it could have been just an emotional affair and not a full fledged one, some men are just missing that "friend" new love kind of thing. Not that that makes it right, it's NOT. But if that's the extent of it, it means he was afraid to take it further, and that is a good thing. he may have not wanted to hurt you that way. i', really sorry you're going through this. I will pray for you and him right now. If you are both willing to try, it is possible to heal. It will be ups and downs along the way, and will take time. But don't give up. If he's willing to end it, I would give him another try. Bless you girl!!

You have the right to ask whatever you need to ask. But definately do the counseling.

That's a lot for you to deal with right now. I don't know if you have "the right" to ask questions about her, but I think it will be more painful if you do and might help you moving forward if you don't ask a lot of questions. It's probably not about her anyhow. You have two very young children and another on the way in a relatively short period of time. Your husband may have been feeling the stress of a young and growing family (although of course that's no excuse). It sounds like you still love him and with three little kids I would pursue the counseling and give him another chance. It's great your getting help from your pastor, but you might also want your pastor to recommend a professional marriage counselor. You will probably also need individual counseling to get past the thoughts about the other woman and move on. I've never been involved in this exact situation, but I do know from personal experience it's going to take quite a bit of time for you to stop thinking about her, but time will help. Good luck with the counseling and your new addition.

FROM: D. L

DATE: September 3, 2009

My advise to you is that you did the right thing and that is to ask all the questions you could. Now if you did not use his phone to play games you would have still believe that you are the only woman in his life. Another thing because of my experience with my WORLD also I would check every penny. Do the same. If we are honest with them they need to be honest with us.

A little about me:
I work full time, part time lecturer and also an independent distributor of Aloe Vera products. I have 3 children and married for 28 years.

This sounds all too familiar to me. I'm still with my husband, and even though it was over 3 years ago that I figured everything out, I still think about it constantly. Funny because I was also pregnant at the time, which makes it 10 times worse!!! My husband also says only a "kiss" happened, which I don't believe but I am trying to work it out mainly because of the kids. I think if I didn't have any kids and wasn't pregnant I would have left that instant. You have the right to ask him about it, but he is probably just going to get defensive. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out for you.

M.-
I am so sorry to hear about this. You know it completely depends on why he was cheating..to say whether or not you should even care about this other person. Usually-it has nothing to do with the other girl but more to do with him or your relationship.You won't really know much until you go to counseling to figure out "why" or what was motivating this behavior. I was travelling a lot and not really paying much attention to my husband when he was doing something similar. It almost ended our marriage but looking back-and seeing what we learned from it-it seems minor now. Bottom line is that people are motivated to do things for a multitude of reasons (not that it makes it ok) but fyi-the girl he as chatting with on Facebook was a big dud!-that is how I knew it was nothing to be concerned about. I hope that helps you!! Take care of yourself and your children first and foremost.

M.,

I really feel for ya - I too am going through this myself. First it was an issue of finances, but then I learned he had cheated on me too. I had absolutely no clue and it was going on for over a year. I think you have every right to ask questions, but he'll probably go on the defense (justifying what he did).

He also told me it was over and wanted to work things out, only that I found some texts a couple weeks later proving it wasn't. I too wanted to believe him as I am a firm believer of "till death us do part". I'm glad to hear that your hubby is willing to see the pastor - mine wasn't.

I've learned the hard way that I need to think of my kids and myself, b/c he obviously wasn't and still isn't (even though he says he does).

I hope that everything turns out for you - I wish you the best of luck. See the pastor, go to counseling, and check in with your doctor and let him know your concerns about the baby and your stress.

I'm not trying to 'burst your bubble', but I don't want for you to have false hopes only to have more stresses down the road. If your hubby doesn't want to go to counseling, go anyway - for yourself.

At first, I was willing to try at my marriage and believed everything he told me. I wondered if I was crazy to do so. God is willing to forgive us... why couldn't I forgive my hubby? My counselor told me that some marriages end up stronger due to all they've been through together... some don't work out. It's up to us and how we handle things. In our situation, it just didn't. I was willing to try - he wasn't. I hope yours truly does work out for ya.

Drop me a line if you want to talk or vent. It's good to have someone who's "been there". If not, just know I'm thinking of you.

Good luck to you.
~SR

wow...i sure feel for ya...using your pet name??..you can bet its gone further than 1 kiss..what an absoulute jerk-sorry but wrong is wrong.i went thru somewhat the same...i divorced him pronto.what your going thru is normal..but you need to move forwards-hard i know..to keep questioning him-will not change what happened-and i truly doubt he dumped her that fast.i would do some more investagating-she more than likely has no clue hes married-keep searching until you find her number-then have your own chat with her.betrayl of trust is terrible.take care of you an them babies.people come up with a million reasons for cheating-theres no excuse-just remember that.be stronger than him...move forwards with your life...good luck...

It's often not a question of better but different. Counseling is a great idea, however I would caution you against going to your minister. I am a minister and we get no training on being a counselor if he is not an experienced counselor he may resort to using guilt.
Hopefuly this woman will not chase after your hubby. No matter how attracted a person is to someone, married people are off limits.

I found the book "Every Heart Restored" by Fred & Brenda Stoeker very helpful when I discovered my DH's secrets. You have a right to ask questions and to answers, he indeed owes you that. But ask yourself this: do you REALLY REALLY truly want to know? It might be better not to know. It's your choice though and he needs to honor that. I had a friend that went through this exact thing and they are now happier than ever after seeking help with our/their pastor. Blessings! :-)

.

I can understand wanting to know about her. But knowing what she looks like, who she is etc. won't make you feel better. She could be a supermodel or a granny, and it wouldn't matter. The real hurt comes from the fact that your husband went looking outside your marriage for things he should have been asking for in the marriage.

Asking your husband a ton of questions about her will only make him defensive, though if he wants to save his marriage, he'd better be willing to answer any questions you have. Being totally open is one of the things he'll have to do in order to earn back your trust. In return, you will have to decide that you are going to start trusting him, or he'll never have a chance to prove to you that he can be trusted.

I believe you have every right to ask these questions. My now husband and I went thru this before we got married and we honestly took a couple of hours to rummage through our past. We got everything on the table and it helped ease both of our minds. (we both had cheated) There honestly are still times that we have questions or it comes up... but it does get easier over time. When I was in the middle of it I thought about it constantly... then slowly but surely it only comes in my mind less than once a month. It is nice to hear that you are seeking help from a pastor. The only way my husband and I were able to overcome all of this was with God on our side. I have a great friend that is also a counselor for this sort of thing (we met her through our church now), I could give you her name and number if you would like.

Pray you can let it go, or it will eat you up! Good luck and keep him on a short leash if you can for a while until you feel better.

M., the question isn't whether you have the right to ask these questions. The truth is, you could never know enough to make you feel better. This isn't about someone else being compared with you. That's not what this was about. So the things you want to know about her are irrelevant. But your feelings certainly are not, and neither are the thoughts that constantly torture you. Of course you think about her all of the time. That must be hell for you. I am so sorry for you. I really hope your pastor is able to help you find what will really stop these torturing thoughts. I am pretty sure it is going through the steps of true forgiveness. When you have completely forgiven your husband and this lady you will be free from these thoughts. Forgiveness is a rather illogical thing. We think we are letting someone off who doesn't deserve it. But what we are really doing is giving up the right to be tortured, sick, and otherwise messed up by something that is over. Let God be the one who decides what is fair for people who have acted wrongly and let Him help you to give it up. I have a great book on it that I would be happy to give you if it is what you are wanting. Just let me know. This truly, truly stinks for you, but I really think you have an opportunity to turn it around into one of those building blocks of a successful, fulfilled life.

you need the advice of mark gungor! check him out!!! he does a daily radio show. you can listen to the archives, and maybe even find something that will help you specifically.

let me warn you, hes blunt. hes straightforward, and sometimes, he seems a little nuts. but i have found nothing but honest truth in what he says about relationships. its amazing.

http://www.laughyourway.com/
http://www.markgungorshow.com/ - where you can hear the radio show.

First of all let me say how sorry I am that this has happened to you! I've been there, it's a long tough road ahead!

My first suggestion to you is to look up Dr. Frank Gunzburg online. His columns helped me fell a little less crazy- and to know that everything I was feeling was normal.
I was almost obsessed with finding out what she looked like too- but in the end I think it was better that I didn't, it didn't really matter.

Please be really cautious in believing that his affair is over, I thought my husband's affair was over for many months while we worked on our marriage- but found out they were still seeing each other.

I'm glad you are talking to your pastor- I also suggest counseling for just you, that also helped me.

I was lucky- we were able to save our marriage. We have 3 kids who mean the world to me. It hasn't been easy, I still think about it everyday and it's been 3 years.

Good luck to you!