My Partner Is Not Good with My Son!!!!!

Let me tell you from my experiences in life that you need to get rid of this partner. I know that sounds harsh but your child is first and foremost. You need to settle down with someone who is going to put your child first too. Also, if you do not agree on discipline or overall rearing of the child the relationship is doomed anyway. Your partner sounds disrespectful of your view points and parenting and of your child. My advice is break this off now before it moves foward anymore. You can't change people or the view points for the most part so it is better to find someone that you see eye to eye with.
a little about me. I am 30 years old, married with a 20 month old daughter

IMO you need to chalk this relationship up to a learning experience and move on. And perhaps in the next relationship dont give the "partner" so much control of your childs behaivior. Your child is yours! And it is your responsibility to raise him. Where is his father? Where is your family? And do you really want to be with somoene who is rude enough to say to you he is the way he is because of you? Get out while your son is still small. He doesnt need to grow up hearing someone talk to his mommy like that!

You are right to be concerned. Your son is at a tender age and at this age developmentally children are determining their own identity in relationship to others. If overly criticized and unnecessarily shamed it can create permanent problems for him psychologically. You didn't say how your partner is disciplining him but if he is using physical force, I would leave that relationship personally. Speaking from a professional perspective as a licensed counselor I will tell you that I advise step parents never to discipline the step children unless it's regarding imminent danger/safety issues. Physical punishment most often leads to aggressive behavior in the child and poor self esteem as well. I would rethink that relationship B. and see if your partner will go to counseling with you because if you're going to be have him around your son, the two of you are going to have to get some professional guidance and help in coming up with a parenting agreement.

It's fairly simple, everyday your child relies on you to make the best choices for him. Take your own personal interests out of the picture and look at his needs. Do you always want to be placed in the position of mediator? Your partner has and will always have an issue with you and how you raise your child and that's not a positive support system. You alreay know what to do. You need to give your partner the "walking papers!" Your son's happiness and self-esteem is priceless.

Be Well,
S.

Hi B.,

Your statement says a lot, it says a lot about the way you really feel about this issue, your partner is not good with your son...I would like for you to really take a good look inside yourself and LISTEN what your heart is telling you, us mothers have a pretty great perception about those around our kids and the impact they have on them, whether it is positive or negative and we are, rearly wrong. you said that you have in many instances, talked to your partner about this issue and your disagreement with the way your partner handles your son, yet apparently there is not change...Look, I am a stepmother, I met my stepson when he was 2 and a half,I had NO kids of my own and at this point I can tell you I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT RAISING A KID< so whatever imput I had was based on my little understanding of child rearing, and I have to admit I was plenty wrong about many things and many times. Also and VERY important, many times when I thought to myself I am giving my opinion about something or correcting him on something or even reprimanding him, because I want to be "the mother figure" or because I felt the right to do it, the reality was that many times I was upset or felt those need out of pure jelaousy, I can see it and confess it now, It upseted me that he was taking "my" time away from my then boyfriend and my struggles with him and my "intentions" of being a parent wheather was diciplining him or teaching him my ways, weren't driven many times just by love like it should've. I am not saying I didn't like him, or love him, beacuse with time I learned to love as my own, but I am telling you this because I want you to see that is not easy, and also because I was wrong in many ways, that wasn't my role to play, at least not until I made a solid commintment with his father and understood what was my role and part in his life.Until then I should've had only supported him (my husband) and learned how to handled the situation and if I felt there were changes to be made then we could've learned together...look, I am opening my heart to you because I was selfish and self centered when it came to my stepson in the begining and I didn;t see it until many years later and in the mean time I caused a lot of stress and problemas with my boyfriend and now husband,and I know I caused him (my husband) some pain...I see a lot of it in you situation and I have to tell you that you have a lot to do...number one you have to make it a point to make your partner understand that YOU ARE THE MOTHER and main disciplinary, unless you guys have a solid commitment and each one of you undestand and respect each others role in raising your son. You need to set your bounderies NOW for the sake of your son and the sake of your relationship. If this person is going to be with you for the long run, then I suggest you take parenting classes "pronto" There is no way your partner (just like me), not having kids, have much idea of how to raise one, specially because this is a step-parent situation,and the game is very different, so you guys WILL need help on that. B., I am not saying is impossible to get to the place you want to get, but in my case and I think in many, take a lot of love, patience, understanding and respect, and the conviction from both of you that the intentions and actions are in the best interest of YOUR SON, that little baby that deserves the best from anybody that is part of his life...and that is your responsability...I didn't mean to write a book, but I feel very strongly about this beacuse I was there, and I know how much work it took for all of us to get the balance...I love my stepson very much, and at this point I can tell you that he trained me to be the mother I am now ... we've come a long way...I wish you the best and if you need someone to talk I am here for you...

A.

i agree with everything DonnaJean suggested. i am also in the same position. single mom. i have a daughter. my boyfriend and i disagree alot about disciplining. bottom line - my daughter - back me up or be quite. i am open to critisim - when she's not around - and will take that into consideration. but everything DonnaJean said is correct.

B.,
Your son comes first and is the most important thing. How serious is your relationship with your partner? Can you see yourself getting married? If your partner is doing the "blame game" and trying to make you feel wrong about your disciplining and argues with you about things you feel your son should not have been disciplined for - then I say get away. It is hard as a single mom. I know, I was there for 4 yrs; and once dated a guy who was just like your partner and my son couldn't stand him. It was hard at first to end the relationship because of how I felt about him, but in the end it was for the best. Your son is the most important and constant person in your life. Protect him, protect yourself. It sounds as if your partner is mentally or pyschologically abusive. I may be wrong and if I am, I apologise. Now, I am married, have two other children and disciplining our oldest (my husband adopted him) is difficult. We have our different views, but always try to stand together as a team and not argue about punishments/discipline in front of him. My oldest is 11 yrs. old, has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, OCD and IED. So we have our hands full. But hang in there. Really think about what is best for you and your son. The petty mean comments your partner says is to make you feel bad. And the fact that your partner has no kids and is telling you how to raise your son - says it all to me. Get out. I wish you the best of luck. I know the decision is yours and will be hard, but think of how your son feels, try to see it from his point of view. Ask him if he likes your partner.
I will tell you this - it is quite funny and hope it brings a smile to your face. When I "broke up" with the guy I was dating, who was a jerk to my son, we tried to remain friends. Well, he still wanted to date me, I was non chalant about him. I invited him over for dinner one night. I think as a "I need another reminder about why I broke up with him" thing. As soon as he was done eating, my son jumped up from his chair (he was around the same age as your son at the time), went to the door and said "bye bye". He even opened the door! :) I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to continue the friendship. My son "opened" my eyes and I thank him (not literally) for helping me see the light. Just remember you are the parent, not your partner. If your partner has suggestions, that's one thing. But don't let him discipline your son for the smallest thing.
Three year olds are, heck I don't even remember. As you know, my oldest son, is 11yrs, my daughter will be turning 2 yrs at the end of the month and I have an 8 mo. old son. So, I kinda forgot about some things.
Keep your chin up. And if need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm a stay at home mom, 30 yrs old (UGH), and have been married for 5 yrs now. My first marriage (bio dad) to my oldest was horrible. He was pycho - abusive in every way. It took me a long time to recover. Wow, this is a book. Sorry,

my email, if you wish to write me is ____@____.com

A.

Hi B.,
I was a single mom to my little boy (until i met my wonderful husband) and for me, I never let anyone I dated meet my son until I knew it was going to be a relationship, and a good one at that. If I felt someone wouldn't be good to my son, they would be out the door in a flash. You have to look out for the best interest of your kid, and if you feel that the person you are dating isn't, then you should put mommy hood first. I know it's hard to do, but you can't take that chance. I hope Im not coming across as rude, just giving an opinion. Chances are if this person isn't good with your son, then they probably aren't family material.
Good Luck to you and your son.

AS someone who has been in this situation (on both sides), I think the best thing you can do, is to sit down with your significant other, (when your son is not around), and explain that you need to show a unified front when it comes to making decisions about/in front of your son.

Let them know exactly what you expect from them, and what you consider crossing the line when it comes to discipline - he is your son! ANd also let them know that when you are disciplining him, they are to step back and not interfere. If they have an issue with something it can wait until you are away from your son's hearing, and then the two of you can discuss it. If your sone hears someone telling you "you're not doing it right" he will begin not to listen to you when you reprimand him.

Good luck! please keep us informed.

D.

B.
Hi... Wow, Sounds to me like the partner is jealous of your son and your son may feel the same. Your partner may want most of you time, while you son is the same and this causes a tug of war and you are in the middle! The only
thing I have to say is Find a Family Counselor or the relationship will end on not so happy notes.
It is very hard to raise a child when two people have different parenting skills. My mom told me (she is a child phy.) You have to have one discipline way and one way only and stick to it. Meaning both have to do the same thing. Talking in soft voices, time outs, ect..... You may have to give a little as well as your partner.
Hang in there and trust your heart.

I truly believe that God has given me one shot with this life to make it the absolute best life I can make for myself.

Just one shot.

It's up to you to make your life the absolute best it can be for you and your son. Partners aren't really partners unless they put their whole heart into the relationship with BOTH you and your son. Sounds like your "partner" isn't really a partner at all but rather someone who really doesn't know what it means to be completely happy with himself. Let him go.

Give yourself and your son the happiness you both deserve. Start with that and God will take care of sending you the very best partner for you and your son.

It's amazing how people with NO children always "know what's best" for a child. My personal feeling is file the partner away.

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10 minutes later....

I didn't realize that there were other responses until I posted mine. The others put their statements so well. LISTEN to your mother instincts. THis partner is not worth coming between you and your son.

I have also been there as a single mother, I too am speaking from experiencce.

Best wishes to you,
G.

Ok my advice comes from my experience as being the child in a situation like this. My mom and my now stepdad started dating when I was 2. He had never been in a relationship in which kids were involved and had not really been around kids. He was also raised in a very strict house with all boys--so if you did something wrong you got a spanking. My mom is still to this day very opposite of this. Just like you it caused problems between them. However I do know, now, that it got to the point of either you back me and realize that my daughter comes first, or you leave. I never knew this until a few years ago. They also split up for a while due to this. So I guess my suggestion is you have to let your partner know that right now he is your number one responsibility and he has to come first and that he is your son and it will be done your way or the highway. I know that sounds abrupt but if your partner loves you like it sounds like you love them they will change their ways. And it does work out--me and my stepdad are best friends! Good luck.

I am not saying a lot since you have a lot of responses. I urge you to take care of this matter asap your son has probably sense it and hurt by it, put him first. Try to spend time with your partner after you put your son to sleep or during play dates, make sure he agrees with you on the discipline you want for your son that should be a test too if he can not agree with you then maybe the relationship is not solid. stay positive, patient and loving I wish you the best of luck
Y.

I am a single parent of three. It is def my choice to be single even tho I don't have to be. Let me tell you... if it's bad, IT'S BAD>. Believe your intuition, girl. I tried with my baby's father twice now and I should've stopped it way before. I knew, but wanted it to work so bad FOR ME. He's terrible with my other two kids and we constantly fought because of it. If you want to email back and forth, I could use somebody to talk to, too. My email is ____@____.com.