My Mom Overshared About My Dad- Hard Not to Be Mad at Him Now

Here's the way I think about it - there's his story, her story and the truth in the middle. What goes on between them should mostly be between them.

When my mother complained over and over about her now XH, I said, "You know what I think. I will support you but I can't be your sounding board and I can't fix your marriage. I suggest you find a counselor or a lawyer or both." And that was harsh, maybe, but after a few years it's just not helpful to anyone to hash and hash and not change anything.

You need to figure out how to have healthy boundaries with her because she's dragging you through her unhappiness and ruining what positives you might have with your father. And have you ever considered that your dad is unhappy with your mom, but just not telling you about it? See the start of my post. I agree that they need to be talking to each other and not to you or to anyone else outside their marriage other than a counselor. And maybe that's what you need to say to them. If she is depressed, she needs professional help. That is about HER and not YOU.

Please do NOT send a copy of anything to this other woman. It's not your place. You may also be reading into it more than is there. My friend is writing a book. She's befriended one of her sources. She adores her DH but she is fascinated by this source guy and his story and they get along well. But at the end of the day, they laugh and send a few emails and go back to their spouses. And if your dad is having an affair, there is likely little you could say to her that would be productive or really fix the root of the problem.

Bottom line: Don't let your mom poison your life if she's unhappy in her own.

ETA: Others have good points about your parents being different people and your mom's effect on the family. My MIL is a worrier and has become a gatekeeper as they age and deal with health concerns. She will say that FIL isn't up for company, but if we swing by to drop something off, it takes an hour because he wants (needs) to tell stories, talk to someone who isn't Debby Downer, etc. Your dad may indeed be a grumpy old man. But he may also be a man from an era where men made the money and women kept the house and he wasn't expected to be warm and fuzzy. The joke is that my FIL's version of "I love you" is "How's your car running?" Do you ever talk to him about his writing? Maybe that would be a good thing to try, because it's obviously important to him.

If you want to try to see your dad's side a little, think about how hard it would be to live with a woman with a life-long untreated mental illness. She COULD have gotten treatment for her depression years ago and made all your lives better, but she didn't. And she's still choosing to blame her illness on others instead of seeking treatment. And now she (and you!) are blaming him for it it's progression. It may in fact be the other way around - her disease progression has made it more and more difficult for him to be close to her, and after a lifetime of not being able to be close to anyone, he's found someone he can talk to. He's not having an affair, he just found a not-mentally-ill friend. And your mother resents him for it.

And once you can make yourself understand that there are 2 sides to this story - now stay out of it. The best thing you could do to support your mother is find a therapist, so that when she needs to talk, she can do it there.

Oh, and if her depression does continue to progress, it's not his fault and it's also not your fault for drawing boundaries. Sometimes depression gets worse because it's an illness, and sometimes illnesses progress.

She's despressed. Which means she's probably not communicating with your dad properly.

You need to stop worrying about HER emotions and start thinking about your own. Don't let her drag you into their marital whatever it is. And holding a grudge against your dad will only hurt your relationship with him.

my situation isn't the same as yours, but has enough similarities that i can really relate to how you feel. gah!
you know what we're going to say, right? better boundaries. it's not as easy to do as it is to say, but what else is there? you can't un-know what you know, and your mom clearly needs some support and sympathy, but she's doing you a huge disservice by making you her only sounding board.
the best thing to do would be to get her a therapist, or at the very least into a group (maybe at a nearby senior center?) where she can have friends to whom she can kvetch. and while it's natural to be mad at your dad (believe me, i know) keep in mind that you're only hearing one highly biased side to the story. it can't be easy for him living with a depressed and suspicious person who snoops his emails.
i'm really appalled at the suggestion that you interfere in the matter by contacting the 'other woman.' sometimes the advice one finds here is over the top loopy.
try to gently disentangle yourself, and redirect your mom to more helpful venues. if you can't, you'll have to (at the very least) put up better boundaries for yourself. 'i'm sorry, mom, i understand how upset this is making you, but please don't keep putting me in the middle. i love you, but i love dad too. here's the therapist's number again.'
good luck!
khairete
S.

There are a lot of things about your parents marriage you don't know. I have know women who were jealous of the time and affection their dad gave to the kids and she made his life so miserable he closed up and stopped being affectionate.
Living with a person who is depressed is very difficult. We don't know if he tried. He may have tried to get to do things such as going out for an evening but she didn't want to and now he is at a loss. He needs to feel as though someone likes him and enjoys his company. Your Mom needs help. Depression can be helped with medication, it can also be helped by just getting out and being around people. Your Mom needs to see a doctor and probably a therapisit. It sounds as though she has shut herself off from the world. She needs to get out and enjoy her life.
My best advice is to not be angry but try to understand. Your dad needs friends but so does your Mom.
I went through it with my Mom. My parents divorced after 60 yrs of marriage. I tried to get my Mom to get out and do things. While she was waiting for the divorce to be final she lived in an apartment for 2 yrs. She had 2 neighbor ladies about her age right there in her building. I tried a number of times to get her to invite the ladies over for coffee. She refused. She bought the house I am living in now , we live less than a half mile from the senoir citizen center I tried to get her to go there she refused.
My Mom lost her first baby, my brother's twin due to a doctor's error in 1952, I don't think she ever got over the saddness. My brother was killed in a car accident in 1995, I know she never got beyond that. She became so immersed in her own saddness I believe she became depressed, then just became angry. I spent 11 yrs sharing a house with her. Slowly my world got smaller and smaller because I had to take care of my Mom, work and raise my kids. My friends moved on without me and now don't even answer the phone when I call. It is very difficult but I work hard evey day to make my life a place I want to be. I try to make friends and do the things I enjoy.

Your Mom needs to do the same. No one can make her happy but she herself.

You need to stop listening to your mom!! If you are on the phone say I don't want to discuss dad, if you continue I will hang up. If you are in person same thing but I am walking away!

You didn't see the emails, just her select bits, even if she read the whole emails you are still hearing everything through her emotions! Nothing about these emails sound like an affair waiting to happen. They sound like a lonely old man with an emotionally absent wife enjoying the safe attention of a woman.

Maybe your mom should spend less time snooping for reasons to hate your dad and make you hate him and actually listen to your father! Why do you think the woman said you can tell me anything? Because she has no life? How about because your father speaks of no one listening to him, no one cares. Your mom doesn't want to be married but she doesn't want to support herself.

I feel really bad for the position you have been put it but your mom sounds more like the bad guy than your dad, he is just lonely.

Oh and he signs it hugs because he is desperate for her attention, not because he is trying to get in her pants.

I'm sorry you were put in this position. It's not fair.

You will help both of your parents and you, if you help your mom to see a counselor. Go to her doc with her and try some meds. Dad doesn't have to know about it. If she gets past her depression, she may value herself enough to question his relationship to his face and stop this passive aggressive sabotaging of your relationship with your dad.

Men over 75 yrs old are very grumpy. But they are still men. Your mom needs to keep her friends close and her enemies closer. Invite the woman and her hubby to their house. Grumpy can show off his relationship skills or the lack there of. Afterwards you can ask dad how the dinner with Rose went, uh..not Rose..what is her name?!

In your place I'd be mad at both parents for not dealing with their issues directly with each other and dumping on their kids.

You are not a marriage counselor.
When either of them start up with the complaining, tell them you don't want to hear it.
Hand them a list of phone numbers to marriage counselors and change the subject.
If your Mom won't stop complaining then hang up the minute she starts.

They need to cook or get off the stove.
If they are truly miserable together then they should split already.
Or they should patch it up.
But dumping it in your lap is not to be tolerated.

When a Mom, says things like this to her daughter, like you, it is when the person is pretty desperate and does not know where to turn, and does not have anyone to talk to etc.
Suggest your Mom, see a Therapist.
Does she have medication for her depression?
She should see a Doctor.
Tell her that, as an adult daughter to her Mom.
Although they are a parent and an adult, they do not always have ALL the answers to life's problems. Or marriage problems.
They are human.
Sure, its over sharing of information, to you.
And you don't want to hear it.
But so, tell your Mom, to find a Therapist. And see a Doctor about her depression.

Who, can your Mom talk to, besides you?
That is important to distinguish.
Any person, if they don't have anyone to talk to, nor a Professional, they are at a loss. And it is isolating.
Sure it is between your parents.
But your Mom is showing signs that she has no idea, of what to do and does not have anyone to help her solve it. Not even your Dad.
She needs professional help.
That is what you, can do, as an adult daughter.
And tell her, that you can't handle all the personal details of it.
But she needs... help.
Professionally.

Your Mom, is basically alone. All alone. Even if she is married.
It is sad.
Can you imagine that with a husband like that?
No wonder, she is depressed... living like that for years.
As an adult daughter... advise her to get Professional help.

She has told you all of this because, she doesn't have anyone or anywhere to turn to.
It is an act of desperation and loneliness and isolation.

Of course you don't like her telling you all of this he is your Dad and you love him. But you are an adult now... and you need to see what is.
Even if it is hard.
You Mom is rowing a boat without an oar.
Help your Mom.

My parents had a hellish marriage at times. I knew, BOTH sides of it all. Even as a child. I observed things. Of course I loved them both. But I knew they are human. And sometimes, they just did not have anyone, to talk to. I was close to them. They talked to me, when I was older. But it was not 'dumping' their problems on me.
I could handle it. Or I told them, I don't want to hear it.
But I was not the sort to have the ick factor about it or blame or hate etc.
Parents, are human.
They are also frail, emotionally at times.
Your Mom has no one. Not even your Dad.
He is making his own fun and attachments.
And sure your Mom has issues too. And she is also depressed after all, these years.
It is sad.
Depressed and sad people, need help.
She is your Mom.
You are an adult now.
You can guide her.
Tell her, to get professional medical help for her depression and a Therapist for her problems.

And tell her you can't handle bearing of all her problems.

As my parents age, I am noticing them becoming a bit childish in certain areas of their lives. They can be dramatic. They get on a subject and will not let it go. The same conversations, over and over. They pick apart discussions over and over.

I guess because they do not have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives.

This is totally opposite of their personalities when they were working full time, living super busy lives.

When my mother does find a project and a purpose she is in a lot better mood. She goes to "Curves at least 4 times a week, She has made good friends there." My mother goes to breakfast every Sat morning with her best friend and then they like to go to garage sales or tag sales.. Then about every 6 weeks, they have their own garage sale. They love talking to the neighbors that stop by. Sometimes people ask them to search for things at the garage other garage sales! They get so excited when they find these things for friends and neighbors.

My mom also loves to travel with girlfriends. Not big trips but overnight at friends homes in cities and towns here in state. ANd then she likes to host over night guests at her home.

My father is married to a younger woman, she is actually younger than me. She is very busy and has a very important job, my dad is retired and stays home with his dog. He purchase the groceries, prepares her lunch and her dinner. He visits his friends, many of them are in poor health and then they are dying one at a time, sometimes, 4 or more a MONTH!. So he can become depressed or worried, again this is so opposite of his original personality.

But If I can get him involved in a project or he finds a project he is gung ho about, he is so much happier. Last year he banded a group of guy friends to raise $10,000. for home improvements for one of the members of their group of school friends. This gentleman is now in a wheel chair and needs assistance with the bathroom and his bathing. They got all of this built by the time their friend was released from the hospital and then Therapy. I was so proud of him!

Part of this is that my parents say things and I find out it is not as bad as they have discussed. Almost like the saying, you "believe 50% of of what your child says goes on at school, the teacher will believe 50% of what the child tells the teacher goes on at home. "

Your mother needs to get involved in something she cares about. Her world needs to expand.

Your father writes and obviously loves meeting new people. This woman gives him a new outlook on life. She is something new, is probably vivacious. She brings up new subjects.

Your mother sounds a bit needy and lonely. Why is she confiding in her child? She should be speaking with her closest friends.

Does she volunteer? Does she have close girlfriends? Does she go to exercise?

Depression is nothing shocking or bad. It is physical change in her hormones, could be caused by age, but could just be a change.

Make sure she sees her physician for a physical and then sees a therapist. Encourage her to find groups to join, ways to volunteer, she needs some friends. New conversations, new interest. This will make her more interesting to herself and your father.

Our parents are always our parents, and we are always their “children”. While it can be difficult to see beyond the walls of those roles, one of the benefits of becoming an adult and gaining experience and maturity is developing a more balanced perspective and learning how to see our parents as human beings, flawed men and women who are products of their environments and did the best with what they had. And then gave it to us, sometimes keeping none of it for themselves.

Of course, I don’t know your financial situation, but maybe you can help your mother pay for counseling sessions. Tell her flat out—but still gently—that you cannot be her confidante when it comes to her marriage, but you do think that she should talk to/with someone. Go down the list of her closest friends to help her decide whom she’s that comfortable with. If no one, then do some research and get that counselor. Sometimes, it’s just about having someone to bounce things off of and to validate our thoughts and feelings. If a friend can’t do it, a therapist certainly can.

I do understand that it’s difficult not to think of them and see “Mom/Mommy” and “Dad/Daddy”. My mother still hurts and holds this resentment for my grandmother—though she would never acknowledge that (even to herself) and takes very good care of her mother—because my grandmother did the best with what little nurturing she had received as a child, which amounted to not enough to be spread among her many children. I’m a generation removed and can see it so clearly. Your parents have different responses to not having had their childhood needs met, and those responses have truly colored their adult experiences, even their reasons for initially choosing each other.

Your parents’ relationship doesn’t sound all that “odd”. In fact, it sounds fairly typical, especially for their generation—sticking it out (for whatever their particular reasons), acting out somewhat passive-aggressively toward each other (because they don’t deal directly with psychological or emotional woes), riding the waves of the occasional attraction to someone else. They don’t necessarily consider that they are “damaged goods”. They pick up and move on and expect you to do the same. They say things like, “I didn’t have this as a child, but I figured it out, and I’m fine.” I don’t want to OVER-generalize, but they tend not to be an apparently self-reflective bunch. They just use what they have right in front of them and make it work.

Think about who you are today and who you have been throughout your life thus far. Your children see you as Mommy, but maybe you were an insecure teenager (doing the things that insecure teenagers do) because your father didn’t give you good hugs. And you went on to marry a man who was insecure and needy, feeding your need to feel close to your partner without threatening the shell that you’d built around your heart. You marry, have your own children, and evolve. You start to think about the life you want for your children, and that spills over into what you might want to taste for yourself. Then, in about 15 to 20 to 25 years, your daughter sees that you’re kinda chronically annoyed with her father. She doesn’t get it (and maybe even resents you for it), but you know that he has been leaning on you emotionally all this time (even while you had children hanging on you), and now you are feeling smothered and wanting him to be able to stand and act without a script from you. Then, you meet a man who appears to be very confident and makes you smile. You admire him for what he seems to have been able to accomplish in his life, and you get a glimpse of how your life might be if you didn’t have to carry so much on your shoulders. That scenario could go on forever.

I realize that I’m going on and on, and I thank you for even reading this much from a stranger. I think that the point that I’m making is to cut them some slack on being human and STILL being on their individual journeys of discovery. There are layers to their love for each other that even they probably wouldn’t know how to unpack. As long as they are alive, they are still figuring things out, and it isn’t always smooth. That’s certainly no fun for you, but at least you are not a child being tossed about by who they are today. Today—as a well able adult—you get to choose how you will let what you experience factor into your life. You don’t have to fall victim to your parents’ road(s) to wherever they’re going.

Your mom was wrong to share this info with you. If she's depressed she needs a therapist so she stops talking to her children about her marriage. You need to gently steer her to a professional who can help her because you aren't trained to help her. Even if you are a social worker it's hard not to take sides in family issues.

For now you need to stop holding this against your dad. Just as you wouldn't want your parents to judge your marriage on limited info you shouldn't do it.

This lady sees him as a father figure. She's not attracted to him I'd bet. He's reviling in the attention. I think it's creepy in one way but in another sort of sweet.

So many people your dad's age are confined to nursing homes and have no one care at all about them. For a young woman to find your dad interesting and a good listener is sort of sweet.

I can relate and it takes time to get over the anger and forgive. About 20 years ago, my mom shared that she was convinced that my dad had an affair with his boss. Ten years had gone by, and she never had any proof, but she was totally convinced. She said she had forgiven him and obviously stayed with him since it had been ten years. It took me another 10 years to forgive and forget (almost). I try to deny that it could have happened. He has always been such a good, loving, and loyal dad.

I would encourage your mom to see a therapist. Tell her that you know she needs to talk to someone, and that an unbiased third party would be a perfect outlet for her feelings.

Best wishes!

oh man...I don't know what I would do...

My mom would complain to me about her mother in law (my paternal grandmother) before she died...I didn't get angry because I saw what my grandmother was doing to my parents marriage...

Your parents need to address their issues with EACH OTHER...not their kids...if my mom had done that before she died, I would have called my dad into the room and said - "mom, what did you have to say to dad?" Yeah it would put her on the spot but this is your parents marriage - NOT YOURS...they need to deal with it.

You need to tell her that - mom - I cannot "forget" this information. PLEASE do not tell me again...address these issues with dad...

Since you know that your mom suffers from depression - is she getting treatment for it? Medication and a therapist? If not - I would STRONGLY suggest that she get help. Tell her to stop letting it rule her life and be a victim and start LIVING her life...

Good luck!

Maybe send a copy of this to the woman and tell her that she's taking him away from his family? Maybe if you did, she would realize that she is making a mistake.

I'm sorry your dad is cold and distant to you, but warm and close to this woman. It's not fair. I'm surprised that you haven't been mad at your father for a long time. I'd be less concerned about your mother sharing her sadness than the fact that he has been so cold to YOU and your sibs.

Did you really think that your parents' marriage would be good when he hasn't been loving to you? The point I'm trying to make is that you ALREADY KNEW these issues. They have included you all along. There would be no "un-knowing" because you've always known - not because your mom told you. Are you really so surprised about this other woman? No. HE is the one who talked endlessly about her.

I feel so sorry for your mom. I wouldn't be surprised if he left her high and dry one day. If you don't realize that, you have your head in the sand.