My Marriage Is Crashing Fast I Need Your Help More than Ever MOMMA'S.

The Dance of Anger
by Harriet Lerner

Saved my marriage and my relationship with my parents...and I didn't think I was angry. LOL

http://www.amazon.com/The-Dance-Anger-Changing-Relationsh...

Each of you should go somewhere to get some perspective and write down what you like/love about each other. The exact reason people get married and are attracted to each other are the same reasons they fight and get divorced. I love that my husband is so relaxed and calm, yet I can't stand how slow and unmotivated he is. Get it????

Read about the Five love languages and both of you take the quiz then discuss the results. It will really help you to reconnect and stay connected. Which, in all this stress, you both need.
Keep looking for a therapist, and I second the idea of seeing a Presbyterian pastor.

J., I'm in Gilbert also, we are probably neighbors. When I divorced several years ago and was before the Judge at the hearing, she said something like, "you are aware that AZ offers free marital counceling prior to divorce, right". I was like "uh...ya". So apparently, at least back then, the state offered something. Go to the Courthouse off McQueen and Baseline and ask them or see if it says something on the website. At least you both are willing to work at it so don't give up yet. Good luck!

It's possible that the counselor can bill under a different code which would allow the insurance to pay. An obvious one would be depression.

So sorry to hear this.

Are you affiliated with a church? If so you should talk to your pastor and see if there is marital counseling available, there frequently is at no cost.

If not then the two of you need to agree not to make any hasty decisions before your counseling begins in August, to declare a truce of sorts for the time being.

Concentrate on why you got together in the first place and focus on that.

What happened with his mom?
I'm guessing your husband is under a TON of emotional stress.

You two met. loved each other. Problems are to be solved TOGETHER...

Why are you guys not on the same team anymore?

You are a unit, a univeral stand for one another.

What is going on?

J.:

I'm truly sorry that your marriage is crashing. There is SO much going on - I think I too would be fighting for days. A good fight every once in a while is a good thing - however - DAYS of fighting is NOT a good thing.

okay - after reading your post - more than the fighting what struck me was that you said "he's not affectionate whatsoever" - so please tell me what drew you to him in the first place and why you married him?

YOU BOTH are controlling. YOU BOTH WANT YOUR WAY. Therefore you are fighting.

Make a list of the problems you are having - have him do the same. Then make a statement as to HOW **YOU** would handle the problem and WHY. DO NOT use "you are a jerk" or "this is because of YOU".

If you have problems with HIS BROTHER - your comment needs to be "I feel that Jared (just sticking that name there) is interfering or butting into our marriage.

When you are done with your lists - hand them to each other and read what the other said. Is there a compromise to be had? If so - start there.

If you have already put divorce on the table - it sounds like you are both ready to give up and fight with each other instead of FOR each other. What are your priorities?

Life isn't easy. And marriage is a HARD. I know there are people who make it look easy - but it's not. You get out what you put into it. It's a full time job. I've said before - marriage is like a garden - it needs daily attention to pull the weeds, prune the flowers, mulch the ground. If you SAY you both want to fix your marriage - NEVER mention DIVORCE. You are giving yourselves an escape route instead of dealing with the problems. I guarantee you - even after divorce the problems will still be there.

You both need to learn to "fight fair" that means - no hitting below the belt. No name calling. No screaming - it really doesn't help.

Since you are both willing to seek counseling? Go to your church. Most pastors, priests, rabbi's are all willing to deal with marriage counseling. If you don't go to church, find one. Get your marriage back on track. it's YOUR marriage - not anyone else's. Your mother, father, brother, sister NOR his mother, father, brother or sister should be able to interfere or make comments.

Relationship Rescue from Dr. Phil. No JOKE ! read it............
I will keep your family and marriage in prayer.

This is only based on the few words here but I wonder if you guys are actually listening to each other. That you can so clearly define everything he is doing wrong and you don't even touch on anything you are doing wrong leads me to believe that is the case.

Listening to the other is not hearing and cherry picking points for your next response. Listening is hearing what he is saying, listening for meaning and considering what he is saying and then responding. That is a huge part of what a therapist with teach you so in the interim learn how to do it yourself. :)

What I mean is he says you snore at night. Hearing would get the response you snore too!! Listening gets, I understand it is effecting your sleep, your snoring is effecting my sleep as well what can we do to fix this. Ear plugs, do either of us have sleep disorders....... One is fighting the other is communicating and only the latter will save your marriage.

So sorry you're going through this.....our marriage has been there 3 years ago...........we did not do any counseling , we made it by God's grace through amazing power of the Holy Spirit(it's great that you are looking into counceling though) . It was a lot of work, I read a book "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerichs , wow it was an eye opener .Even if you are not a believer , check it out!!!!!

someitmes employers offer a certain amount offer free mental health visits...like 8 a year. check with your employers....take a break of discussing any issue until counseling. no matter how long the time period. nothing is so important an argument it cannot wait for a 3rd party.

Take a deep breath just to feel a little calmer.
Okay, now for ideas:
-take one thing at a time: 1st you want to save your marriage then you will
work on issues
-In my experience: men are more quiet/withdrawn & analyze quietly
women are more willing to talk but can "over-think" things
-You both want to fix our marriage then you are heads above the game.
You can do it!!
-It takes time, commiment to work on issues as they arise & time to work & sort through things as they arise.
-if you cannot afford a therapist, try googling "affordable counseling" in your area. Some cities offer a few doctors that will work with what your make as income.
-you are not broken. Everyone brings issues they have from their childhood upbringing to the table.
-like I said, tackle one thing at a time: try to calm the 4 days of fighting by not bringing up things/taking the bait/or fighting anymore, taking a deep breath, re-visiting things discussed in most recent fights over last 4 days, truly decide what was true & what was not "owned by just you".
-can you see a counselor on your own to discuss how you are feeling?
Check w/your medical plan for a covered counselor. Google discounted counseling etc.
-outside people meddling (brother, ex-wife) can be tough but can be overcome. Hang in there.

This waiting til August thing is really sad. Do you go to church? If not find a church that is even non-denominational and see a pastor or join a group. That will be faster than August if you can even come up with money. Some counselors will work things out with your income, too. Find self-help groups that are not necessarily geared to your marriage issue, but individual needs. Work on yourselves. You are married, not suctioned to eachother. To be happy you need to make yourself happy first. I am so happy to hear your husband is willing to get help with you. That is absolutely awesome. In this particular case I will say something about divorce/having gone that road only because I was living in horrible circumstances. But most people's lives here it is: the difference between people who get divorced and those who don't are this. They just don't. Sounds like a riddle eh? But no one has a perfect marriage. And I also learned this. Pay a counselor? Or pay for a wonderful vacation? Choices to be made aren't always easy. I really don't think you need a divorce. It takes time.

I encourage you to look for marriage counseling at your church...that's honestly my best advice. Marriage is a covenant ordained by God and the best place you can go for marriage advice is the Bible...which a pastor, etc, can help you with. Bonus, it will be free, likely.

If you do not have a church, my next best advice is to find one that you are all comfortable with and start attending.

I am in my first (and only) marriage, but my husband has an exwife. She has provided a fair bit of drama and I just try to be supportive and encouraging.

You also can't change what someone else does, but you CAN change what you do. Just try to be a good wife (not saying you're not!!) to him, because you'd be surprised how your own actions can encourage change in others.

I don't know your technical situation...whether you or he works, the ages or your kids, etc...but there are someone things that in my book make you a good wife. I know this sounds old-fashioned, but I believe they are important...such as keeping a clean house, cooking good food, tending lovingly to your family, and taking that extra time to really make him feel special. Reciprocation comes easy following these things.

I hope these links help. I've seen these programs work first hand. Rekindle is great and celebrate recovery will give you help until you get to Rekindle.

http://www.mission68.org/care-support/marriage-family/

book

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3...

Sorry to hear...marriage is work but so rewarding :-). Have you seen Fireproof?? Excellent movie, tho cheezy at times. Nonetheless, without telling him, do The Love Dare challenge. As you go thru the motions of 40 days, your heart will soften and hopefully communicating will ensue. By then it'll be August if that's your only option!! Everyone struggles and you just have to keep working on it. Good luck and God bless!!

that sounds like a really hard place. You have a lot of really big issues happening between having a blended family as well as an ex-wife and buttinsky b-in-law.

I would really encourage you both to take a "timeout" from the fight if you can. You are allowed to do that, I promise. I know your hubby will be relieved as well. Remind him and yourself that these arent the kind of issues anyone can fix in a day. You can call it a stress vacation. Agree to plan some fun things with the kids, to not take any calls or visits from outside family, etc. Just use the time to regroup and recouperate.

Encourage him and reassure him about how you feel and that you are in this to support each other - not to be enemy combatants. I know that's hard since it sounds like he's not good at giving that back but hang in there because that's something you can work on with the counselor's help.

While you're on vacation, I encourage you to journal when you get stressed or worried etc rather than talking to your hubby about it. Make a running list of all your worries and your issues and your concerns and just hang on to it for a while until you have someone to help or your just more emotionally ready. When you meet with the counselor ask them to teach you the "speaker/listener" technique. It's a way to hash out hard problems in a managed way where you both feel heard and validated at the end. It saved my marriage.

I also strongly encourage you to keep a running list of things that you like (and love) about your husband and your kids and your life together. This may be hard at first but keep at it. This is one you're allowed to share if you want to. I cant tell you how things improved when I started praising my husband in even small ways. It's amazing how far "thanks for supporting me today" or "you were great with the kids today"

Last but not least. Pray. I dont know what you might believe about God but He is a faithful friend in times of need. I wish you all the best and if it's okay, I'll be praying for you all too.

J., you two have been going through a lot, haven't you? You've tried to get your husband back together with his kids, you've had a step-daughter steal from you, you have ex-wife drama and his brother... bless your heart.

Did you try to hard to do too much to fix his problems? Maybe he needs less of your trying to fix his life. (Part of him feeling that you are manipulative.) Is he trying to side with his brother now against you?

Since marriage counseling isn't on your insurance, find a pastor who will help you. Choose a Presbyterian pastor (not a pastor of a church where women are thought of as underneath men.) Even if you two aren't religious, there's a lot of value in him hearing another man tell him that he has no business bringing his family, especially his brother, into his marriage.

I once had a friend whose two stepkids lived between her and the ex-wive's homes. The ex-wife had no structure and wanted to be seen as a "friend". My friend ran a tight ship, no kidding, ran the PTA, took care of everything at home, and could do ANYTHING - she's an amazing gal! But these kids didn't want to live their lives the way she wanted them to, and they rebelled a lot. I'm sure that if they hadn't been exposed to such a different lifestyle at their mother's, that they wouldn't have been so bad. But there it was. My friend had to learn after a lot of grief that fighting this battle with the step kids just was NOT worth it.

You need to go talk to a divorce lawyer about getting your ducks in a row, in case your husband were to move all the money to a single account. You really need to protect yourself legally so that he doesn't try to "starve you out" and make you take a crappy settlement in order to feed your kids.

Good luck, J.. I hope that this works out.

Dawn

Change of Heart Counseling
Marcie Edmonds
###-###-####
You will probably have to leave a message but she is great about calling you back. She isn't cheap, but well worth the money. She was like a fly on the wall in our home and could see issues that we never would have thought that the problems have stemmed from.
She is wonderful! She is in Auwahtukee.
Good luck to you, she will save your marriage!

Do you still date each other? Do you sit and talk without kids, without screaming? Do you both blame instead of saying how your feeling? Are you happy with your life and how it's going(please don't say obviously no). Are you happy with your job and schooling level, if not change it. Are yoi happy with your health, if not work on it. Are you happy with hoe you react to things if not change up how you react. So once you fix.you, ask him if he is willing to ask himself the same questions. Once you are both happier independently the bringing it together should he easier as long as your honest with yourself and each other. Sure seek out a pastor or a marriage counselor but the true answer is from within.

I'm sorry about this J.. Do you attend church? The pastors at churches are always very willing to counsel. And if you don't attend, call one anyway. I remember years ago, my MIL went to a counselor at a church she did not attend. It won't be weird, just pick up the phone and do it. They may not charge anything at all - i don't know any that do - and your marriage depends on it. Good luck.

Check out www.retrouvaille.org for an alternative to counseling/therapy. I know couples who have successfully saved their marriage with this program. It isn't counseling though...and is done within one 3 months of weekend sessions. You can find a program in your area by clicking the link.

Take a moment away from each other to regroup and rethink your lives. Write down the 10 things that bother you the most and let him do the same. You would be surprised when you compare, that you both have different understanding of issues.

Listen to the following or visit their websites. It should help or further point you in the right direction.

http://newlife.com/counselors
http://www.laughyourway.com/

Hope that helps.

Four days is a long time to argue. You must agree to disagree for a little while. But both of you must not let outsides into your marriage. Remember why you fell in love and why you both wanted to blend your families. This is a huge bump in the long road of marriage. He may not be affectionate but you are. Its ok to ask for a huge hug. Ask for a kiss. Ask that you spend time at dinner alone and relax. Call around more for counselors to see you now.

So he's quiet and not affectionate. What are your faults?

I don't ask to be rude, or even get an answer. But you can recite his faults as if they were just facts on the CNN news
Crawler.

You might make more headway when you can also say "and I'm...(negative traits). Being aware makes it easier to work on those issues, and also might make everyone a little less defensive.

Maybe like this:

"hey, you're being a poop right now. I know it's hard, because I'm trying to be more affectionate and it's one of those thing I keep in mind everyday. But I just noticed you're being a poop, so did you want to talk to me, your co-pilot in life and let's tackle it together

Watch the movie "Fireproof" - together if possible. The perspective in this movie has changed the way I look at our marriage. You can do this!!!

You've gotten a lot of good advice on books and other resources. My advice is on the therapist. I think one insurance I had didn't pay for marital counseling, but the therapist submitted the charges in my name for personal counseling, but saw us both. Insurance not paying for marital counseling probably happens a lot, which is sad.

Amom2 gave you the link for Laugh Your Way, we watched that and it was very good. There is also the 5 Love Languages.

Even if you have to wait till August, what's 1-2 months in the whole scheme of things if it will save your marriage and keep a family together that probably doesn't need to go through a major upheaval again. Also if your insurance doesn't cover counseling, pay for it. Your gonna pay more to an attorney for a divorce so pay the counselor instead. This marriage is worth saving!

I don't have time to read all your responses so I appologize if I repeat anything. I think counseling would be very beneficial and it sounds like both of you are willing to work it out, hang in there util you can get an appt. Do either you or your husband have an Empolyee Assistance Plan (EAP) at work? If you're not sure, check with your HR Department. These plans usually cover a specefied number of counseling sessions per
person. My husband's covers 3 sessions per year per member of the family. Good luck and give it all you can,