My Little Terror

First off, he's not a terror or a demon child. Stop that.

Start teaching him about "gentle hands." In all cases you have the opportunity, show him how to pet, pat, and touch gently. When he pulls or hurts, remove his hands and hold his wrist away from harming his sister. Manipulate his hand to gently touch her. "See, soft. Love Sissy. Gentle hands." When he does it on his own, praise him. If he mischeviously defies you, remove him to a safe place, like his crib, for a time out away from everyone.

I am NOT one who recommends that we teach siblings to hit back. Teach them not to hit at all. Hitting is not behavior that you can take with you into adulthood. You don't teach children that it's okay to hit just because someone hit them. That isn't how we treat one another outside of the home, and it's not okay just because it's family.

ETA: I also wanted to mention, I'm not a fan or follower of the "one minute per year of age" rule. I think it's a silly and foolish rule. I've always put them into time out for the amount of time it takes to get them out of the meltdown or nasty attitude and to a point of contrition or calm.

Not a demon child just a 19 month old. Welcome to being the parent of two kids.

When our son did this to his sister, I would remove him and put him where he could not interact with anyone. He hated that. I would tell him we don't hit. We did the gentle hands and everything. Mostly didn't work. What worked was when she yelled "stop it and wouldn't play with him anymore". OMG you would have thought the world ended. He cried and followed her all afternoon. Lets just say he finally copped a clue!

Exactly what Christie said, but I will add one thing:

Time out should not be a game. When he pulls hair or hurts, put him in a pack-n-play/portacrib where he will be separate from your daughter. (As opposed to a step or chair that he can get up from. He needs containment. It could even be having him sit strapped into his stroller... I did that with my son when he was little and being disobedient.) He may cry to be separated, but a lot of talking about the hurting *after* it happens gives the behavior lots of validation via attention. So, just a quick "Pulling hair hurts. Let's take a break". It isn't a punishment inasmuch as he learns that when he pulls hair/hurts his sister, the fun stops immediately.

So, give praise for the 'gentle touches' and do this too-- let your daughter know that she can be your partner in helping Little Brother learn to be careful. "He has to be separate for a minute, just because he has to learn that when he hurts others he has to take a break." He is very, very little Zelda. He is learning cause and effect. "Sister is nice to me, sweet to me, and when I pull on her hair or hit her she makes a big noise and people look at me." You want your daughter to understand that you are *teaching* him something very, very important that she already knows-- it's not okay to hurt people.

If she argues about your disciplining your son, nip it in the bud and send her to her room because mom, you are the boss. Be in charge, be confident... if they knew what was going on and how the world works, they would be hatched from eggs and walk away from us at birth. Instead, they need our guidance and they need us to be strong (not overwhelming or manipulative) in our authority. As Patricia G suggested, find that calm and firm voice inside yourself. You are the adult, you know better, what mom says, goes.

Oh heavens. He's not a demon child. He's a baby with legs that work at this point. This is like the child sitting in the high chair who keeps throwing the toy in the floor and watching you pick it up. Cause and effect. They love that. He sees her reaction when he hugs her and he sees her reaction when he pulls her hair. This is part of his development and his personality.

You really need to figure out developmental milestones here. Your daughter is not the same personality type as him. Throw out of the window how SHE was at 19 months. He is different. Little boy babies can be bulldozers...

You don't go to HER and give her hugs and kisses. You say a stern "We don't pull hair" and pick him up and remove him from you both. His timeout needs to be in a place he cannot leave - like a pack and play. Yes, he thinks it's a game because he is getting an interesting reaction to what he has done - you hugging on his sister. Instead, dump him unceremoniously in the pack and play and walk away from him and don't look at him or talk to him. Leave him there long enough for him to not like the game anymore. Usually it's a minute for each year, but to get the point across that time out is not fun, leave him there until he is unhappy. Do it over and over and over for every single infraction until he doesn't find this a fun game anymore. When you go back to him to take him out of time out, you tell him "Hands are for helping, not hurting." You say this to him for several years. It'll take that long for it to get through...

Your child is not mentally developed enough to understand the lesson you're trying to teach him right now. He just sees the game. Managing his physicality where his sister is concerned is just something you have to stop in the act of it, like you would if he were trying to put his hand on the hot stove.

Yes, one day your daughter may haul off and hit him back. It will teach him something if she does. (Don't tangle with his big sister...)

What Christy says.

Also, do you use "the voice"? You know, that stern, not-yell, that lets the kids know you mean business? It's very useful, so if you haven't found yours, work on it. Teach him what TO do. And find a place that he doesn't want to be for time out - if the time out place is where all the fun and action is, it's not a punishment to be there. If it's where he's not getting any attention or around everyone else, THAT has impact.

My 18 month granddaughter does the same to her 3 yo sister. As others have said it's a stage. Handle it by separating them. We've found that teaching soft touch doesn't help. She is just not old enough to understand.

As to hitting back, the 3 yo hits back, scratches and pulls hair in response. 18 mouth continues to hit, scratch,pull hair. It becomes a cat fight until they're separated. Both girls end up crying. So hitting back does not stop it for most kids. Telling them to hit back only teaches that hitting is the way to solve conflict. I want my granddaughters to learn other ways. At this age the solution is to separate them. As their brain matures and they can learn other ways to deal with conflict.

I suggest trying telling the 4 yo to immediately get away from her little sister. She could learn that she has power to protect herself. I'm not sure if a 4 yo has the understanding to do this. I would continue to separate them.

These children will be in school facing other kids who hit. By teaching them to leave you are preparing them for school.

I hope you will stop thinking of him as a demon child. Children usually live up to labels. Know that this child is acting this way because he is at this developmental age/stage. He needs your compassion too.

It sounds like a normal 19 month old. The issue is that you're not parenting him in a way that is appropriate for his age.

Your toddler needs constant adult supervision and redirection of undesirable behaviors. Your kids are not of an age where you can leave them alone for more than moment. Keep him in the room with you as much as possible throughout the day.

Time out does not work on toddlers because they are not cognitively able to sit still and reflect on the problem. At this age need to deal with each problem immediately and then move on from it. Often over and over until it sticks. When he hits, teach him to be gentle. When he has a tantrum, show him that he gets no attention from that. Etc.

You're asking him to have empathy. He's 19 months old. He doesn't have that ability yet! You cannot teach it to him now either. Don't try to reason with him or teach him about being nice. Don't show him your comfort/affection for his sister. That only gives him something to watch - he doesn't understand the lesson you are trying to teach because, developmentally, he's not there!

Yes, show him gentle touches, but mostly he's having too much fun with your reaction. Give up the time out corner because you have to be on top of him to keep him there - so he gets attention. Use his crib, the pack and play, the car seat (if you're out), the stroller, anything - goth containment with zero attention and engagement, as others have said. Deprive him of your presence, your conversation, and your efforts to keep him sitting in a time out chair. No toys, no human contact, no nothing. He stays in until he calms down. Then do it over and over, 25 times in a day if you have to, until he realizes that it sucks to hit someone.

Don't allow her to hit back - that teaches kids that hitting is okay, and that bigger people have more power to hit harder. It will backfire on you.

What Christy said.

You see the 19 month old doing this. You don't see the 4 year old doing this. Why? Chances are she's better at it. He gets caught, she doesn't. It could just be little things she does on purpose to irritate him (a pinch, a booger, hiding a sock...)

I believe he is experimenting with "cause and affect" (maybe it's effect?) Anyway, when I do this, sissy cries! Every time! Wow! IMHO, your daughter needs to stop this. Obviously you aren't able to. People can only treat you the way you allow them to. So true in this case. He does that to her because she allows it. I would instruct her to pull his hair back. Doubt he'll think that's very funny. And when he starts to realize that he's getting a different, and unpleasant reaction, he'll stop. He really could care less that he has to sit in time out for what, 1 minute! Big deal! Not really a deterent. And you are not teaching your children to hurt each other, but you are teaching your daughter to stand up for herself and now ALLOW anyone to hurt her and you are teaching your son that inflicting pain can result in the infliction of pain.