My Kids Are Complainers!

There have been times... when I was in a mood plus with my kids being in an icky mood... that I will just tell them when they "complain" or ask me to do something, I will say: "No, I don't want to. If you cannot cooperate, I will not either." Then I walk away.
Or I tell them they... can do it, themselves. Or get it themselves. They know, how.

I tell them THEY CAN CHOOSE, what Mommy they want.... a nice cooperative one, or one that will not. It is up to them.
And let me tell you... my kids "choose" wisely.
LOL

When my boys were little we came up with a saying "you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit". That worked WONDERS for us. Now that they are 11 and 12 there are days when they have to say that to me! :)

It's a phase. A horrible, horrible phase called childhood. :)~

No, really-- let me ask you-- what happens when they complain? What is your response. Do you discuss it with them? Reason with them? Or do you just give them a couple of blinks, shrug your shoulders and go about your business?

What I am asking is simply: how much attention are you giving it? If you scold, or reason with them, or give them any real attention, you will likely be setting yourself up for more complaining.

When my son complains about his food, I just say "this is what's for dinner. Eat it or don't. You are the one that will be hungry later on." I don't point out to him that he liked dinner last night or the amount of time I spent on it or anything like that.

Sometimes, if he were to say "Moooooom! There's not enough syrup on my pancake!" I would give a correction in a calm voice. "Okay, you've told me something. Now, do you have a QUESTION for me?" This is his cue to *ask* instead of complaining. You can have more syrup on your pancake mister, you just must trouble yourself to ASK for it because I am not a mind reader.

My sister also cues her complainers with a 'try that again' if it's something that can be a question.

Bathtimes, handwashing, etc.-- I just ignore the complaining. Outright stalling :"If you can't do the job I ask, you may sit in this chair until you are ready. "

Three and six are also capable of making themselves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if their noses are bent out of shape about what's being served. Suffice it to say, my son knows how to make a sandwich. He's five, but has been doing it since he was three. :) Overall, though, unless it's a problem, I ignore the general complaining.

Unless, of course, we're stuck in the car and am hearing nonstop griping. Then it gets to a point where he has to pay me a nickel for every time he gripes instead of asking for what he needs. There's an idea: Give them a bag of nickels at the beginning of the day, say 50 cents worth each, and tell the boys they can keep whatever they don't spend on complaining; at the end of the day they can put the nickels they haven't used in their piggy banks. Might be a novel way for them to notice the complaining themselves!

I kind of found it funny that you are complaining about your kids being complainers.

The 6 year old is at the age where he's learning the use of language and what it can get him, the 3 year old is just aping him. This is basically a phase and if you change your filter you wont hear it as complaining anymore but as him exercising his verbal skills.
Maybe when 6 yr old says "oh mom, I dont want bluberries on my pancakes.." your reaction is the lesson. Keep that in mind. You might divert his thought process and say "hey, I put those berries there so you could count them and tell me how many you have..." Now the berries are a math lesson instead of a whine.

Just smile, ignore it and move on. If it goes from complaining to whining I would send them to their rooms until they've stopped (I can't handle whining and my kids know it, it's like nails on a chalkboard to me!) They will eventually stop when they realize there's no point.
And you can always turn it around on them, with humor, oh you don't like these blueberry pancakes? I guess I will just have to eat them all myself :-)

I agree with giving it as little attention as possible. We simply do not complain about the food that is served us in our house. A calm response of "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" is usually sufficient. If not, just calmly remove the plate from in front of them and tell them goodbye from the table. If they throw a fit, send them to their rooms until done. No emotion, no attention. When they've settled down and can ask nicely for food, present them with their original plates and let them know that complaints about food will always end this way. It will stop quickly.
Complaints about other things should be met with calm statements that it needs to bedone, they need to do what you ask them to do or you will simply do it for them like you would with a baby. Follow through, no emotions, even if they're kicking and screaming. Then send them to timeout for throwing a fit.
Once they know you're not going to fight with them, you're not going to give the complaints attention and that you mean business, the behaviors will change.
Good luck!

To me, complaining is just like whining. I ignore that "tone of voice". I say, "go and find your regular voice, I cannot understand complaining/whining. "

If they like the box stuff, make the box stuff.. Or give them heads up, you are "making the Mac and cheese that mom likes tonight. "

How about you get "Pollyanna" (with Haley Mills) and watch it with them.
Then tell your boys we're all going to play the glad game all week.
No matter what happens - you all do your best to find a reason to be happy about something/anything/everything.
Play it often enough and it will become a habit.

They are complaining because they are kids and it gets a reaction from you and keeps you engaged with them. Read what I consider a magical book called "The Secret of Parenting." It will change the way you parent, and the way your kids push your buttons.
I'm tellin ya... magic.

Sounds like pancakes with a side of broccoli is just what you need to do.

"I don't want to hear complaints." Everytime they start it about something like brushing their teeth. OR, get a picture of rotten teeth and put it up in the bathroom for them to look at. Tell them that each time they complain about brushing, they have to look at the picture.

About food - my husband's mother taught them that "only positive remarks are allowed at the table". She said if they didn't like something, they were not allowed to say it at the table. They were able to come to her quietly after dinner and tell her what they thought that she needed to know as long as it was respectful and appropriate.

I suggest that you adopt that approach. Until they start behaving right, the pancake/broccoli approach may teach the lesson...

Dawn

This is a game! Unhappily, it becomes a fixed habit. But it starts out as a game. It's kind of fun, to a child, to find things to grouse about. So you need to stop the game by making it not fun.

If you're setting a good example of positive thinking - and you want to double-check that - don't reward the complaining, even with extra attention. You can say to your boys tonight or tomorrow, "We're not playing the complaining game any more. You know about brushing your teeth, so you just do it. What you have for supper is what you have for supper. If you fuss about it, you can always go without." You don't need to lecture. You just follow through - every time. And make sure you have the habit of saying GOOD things during the day: "I like the way you were kind to each other." "Isn't this ice cream good?" "If there's anything I love, it's a beautiful sunrise like this one."

I knew one mama who once deducted a minute from nightly book time for each whine or complaint. She said it worked with her family, and she didn't have to do it for long.

Come to think of it, one of my granddaughters had (for a while) a favorite game called, "Can I PLEEEEZE have a snack?" She'd ask fourteen times in two hours. I first worried why she was so hungry all the time! Then I realized she was playing. I had to start answering her, sweetly, "NOOOO...." When I did that consistently, the game wasn't fun any more.

Do not be angry as you make this change. The reason your boys need to quit griping is NOT because Mama is mad! Be firm but friendly, and keep your sense of humor. They might test you to see if you mean business. That's OK.

You can also reward the boys when they say the smallest positive thing - like "Thank you," or "This macaroni is good." I don't know how you can reward them, but do something they'll like. Make it small. Don't overdo.

Haven't read other responses but you said "I don't feel that my husband and I complain about anything"
Okay I'm not trying to be sassy and I know this sounds it but I found you actually do complain 1.MIL and 2. Children being complainers. Well actually you could read between your lines and subliminally you complained about cooking Mac and cheese and it being homemade.
Okay I have a 4 year old boy and he complains I think it only normal and part of life but when he whines and complains about the minimum I just ignore him and go about my business. Don't give in to everything, there are things they have to complain about how else will they ever learn to express to others they are not satisfied? Or would you rather have them agree to everything even when it's something they truly don't like, or bothers them?
It's a phase I think but I don't know much since I only have one child and I've only been a parent for four years. Wish you luck! Be patient and try and talk to them about what needs to be done (washing hands,brushing teeth etc), explain to them how mommy will not listen when they are whinny and picky and when they are not happy with something to speak to you without having to whine.

I'm curious if they're complaining because then you give in to them? I have a 7 & 4 year old and I nip complaining in the bud instantly. I, like you, get so irritated by it. But whatever they get, they get. I won't make them something else, or try to convince them how "great" something they are doing is. And I don't know that you do these things, but just a thought.

Anyway, a clever discipline book that I always recommend is "1-2-3 Magic." It is a quick easy discipline technique that is easy to implement and very effective. Plus, there is not much talking. I would suggest both parents get on board with the technique. I believe there is even a video to watch, if that is easier.

I'm a facts type person, so when my son complains about brushing teeth I say "well then how will you eat with teeth like Daddy's" (my husband has bad teeth problems that prevent him from eating some foods because he won't go in to the Dentist) Or when the kids say "he got more juice than me" "you served him first" I usually say "you sound thirsty, when you're done you can have more" "if you help me with lunch I can serve everyone quicker/same time".
I know some times what I say can go over their heads, but I don't want to be their servant. When they're complaining about the nice things I do for them I tell them it hurts. I don't know how to teach my kids to be grateful, but I think my oldest is starting to understand (like when I asked him how he would feel if a friend returned the birthday gift he picked out for that friend...he really understood what hurt feelings are)

I wish I had the solution to this one because I need it too.
One thing I haven't seen suggested yet is to actually acknowledge the complaint. Like, "I know you wanted the other kind of mac'n cheese, but this is the kind I have" or "Syrup is really yummy, but I'm not letting you have any more because isn't good for you", or "I know you don't want to stop playing toys and brush teeth, you hate that, but it's time to get ready for bed". They might still be whining because they don't feel heard. I think my kids have the best life- I wish I could trade! But on the other hand, it would be hard not to have any control over your life. I not suggesting you give in to them on anything, but at least if you let them know you have received the complaint it might help.

Hi T. R.
I know it's annoying. I have a 4 yr old (turning 5 this month) who has been a big whinner and complainer. My husband and I had been reacting to her, because it IS so annoying. I found that wasn't working to change her behavior, so I started a reward system. I give her a mark for every time she talks like a big girl and requests something in clear polite voice rather than complaining. If she complains too much I take away a mark. I think just staying on her and constantly with gentle reminders (not reacting) is definitely changing her behavior. Thank goodness, because it gets to be a bummer!

Also i explain to her that nobody will want to hang out with her if she complains. And when she talks like a "big girl" then we all want to play with her and hang out. Plus God blesses those who do the right thing, even though it doesn't feel like you want to do it at the time, if you kind of make yourself do what's right, you will see he'll bless you. Then if she DOES the right thing ie: stop complaining then later I point out how many good things happened to her that day and it's because she was blessed because she chose to complaining and whining.

Unless it's real whining just ignore it. If it's whining AND complaining I would ask my kids to rephrase and speak in an even tone. If it continues I would send them to their room until they had a better attitude.

The key is to make sure it doesn't "work" for them in anyway. If it doesn't get them what they want they'll drop it eventually. That is one part of early child rearing I do not miss!