My Kids and Ex Bf's Kids in the Same Classroom

Updated on February 07, 2018
V.Y. asks from New York, NY
20 answers

Hi ladies,

I have a question. I am planning to send my kids to Sunday school so they can learn my native language. My ex boyfriend's child goes there and is the same age as my kids so they are most likely going to be in the same classroom (school is very small). I have dates this guy 10 years ago. He was divorced and had a small child. While I thought initially it wouldn't be a problem and was very in love with him, I later realized I didn't see myself having a family with him and dealing with his ex and step child and I was very young too. He was extremely hurt and trying to get back but understanding and we did keep in touch on and off by email or phone. Then he met someone, got married, and almost became upset with me. One time I texted and asked him something I needed, which I did extremely rarely, and it wasn't personal at all, he almost snapped at me, told me "it's over". I was always kind to him, never said anything bad about him and yet I feel like he became angry and resentful with me for some reason or just doesn't even want to see me but appears happily married and with a child. I haven't spoken to him in a few years and am worried about his behavior and having to see him again and our kids being in the same classroom. What are your thoughts on this situation?

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Don't borrow trouble. I wouldn't worry about it at all. If he's standoffish or rude, then that's on him. Treat him like any other parent - polite hello or good-bye at drop off and pick up if you happen to run into him.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

this isn't even an issue. why are you making it one?

if you see him you smile politely and say 'hello.' and move on.

it's been 10 years.

i'm sure whatever anger and resentment he felt about you are long, long past.

'doesn't even want to see me.' why should he?

don't create drama where there is none.
khairete
S.

11 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

This is not a problem unless you make it out to be one. You just focus on yourself and your kid. If you run into him you casually say hello like you would to any other parent and then go about your business.

Updated

This is not a problem unless you make it out to be one. You just focus on yourself and your kid. If you run into him you casually say hello like you would to any other parent and then go about your business.

8 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

I wouldn't worry about it. Just nod hello if you see him in the classroom, and then turn your attention to something else. Forget about him being in the room and concentrate on everything else.

Whatever you do, don't text or write or call or try to initiate anything with him. He felt that you were toying with him, most likely, when you kept in touch. Perhaps you should have realized that you should have left him alone, perhaps he decided this out of the blue and you had no warning. Either way, please don't let it bother you anymore.

6 moms found this helpful
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M.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Be polite. Try not to worry about it. A lot of time has passed.

6 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

It has been 10 years! Why are you so concerned?

Are you not over him?

If you run into each other politely say hello and go on with your business.

I've never heard of a Sunday School teaching language.

5 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm not surprised, as some responders are, about learning another language in Sunday school. Churches that conduct services and classes in Mandarin, Spanish or Greek, as well as synagogues with Sunday Hebrew school, teach exposure to (if not immersion in) another language. So let's set that aside.

I think the children should do fine if the adults don't make a big deal out of it. If this was 10 years ago, the children involved were so young (or possibly not born yet?), they will have no memory.

It sounds like, at first, your boyfriend didn't accept the break-up and wanted to get back with you. You had an occasional email exchange. Then he met someone and got married, and became "upset" with you - why? Because you kept contacting him? Even a small contact might have reminded him of his prior hurt or upset his wife. But still you texted him and he snapped because you weren't getting the message. Of course he doesn't want a texting or emailing relationship with you. He has moved on, and you should have too, since you didn't want to deal with him and his first child and his ex, so he probably figures you would have no business dealing with his current wife and second child. It sounds like you are the one who almost doesn't want to let it go. Even if you can convince yourself that he's the only one who can help with "something you needed and it wasn't personal at all," surely you can have your needs met by other friends or family members. You broke up with him, and you shouldn't have kept communicating with him when he clearly didn't like it. You didn't take the first hint, or the second.

I think there should be no concerns about his behavior going forward. I think he's probably more concerned about yours, and if you just act equally pleasant to all the parents whose kids are in the class, you should be fine. Just examine your motives and make sure that the ONLY reason you are sending your kids to this Sunday school is that you want what the program offers, and not because of your hope for some contact with him. Mature adults who have moved on can certainly handle this. If you are in doubt, consult the pastor of this congregation for guidance.

5 moms found this helpful

V.S.

answers from Reading on

So, you dated and broke up with him, then contacted him for nothing personal (meaning you could have asked someone else) and he snapped and got mad at you? Personally, you knew he was hurt and contacted him anyway? When he was already married? I guess I read this differently than others here - to me, I don't blame him. You shouldn't have reached out to him.

Personally, I'd find a different Sunday school rather than put my kids in the middle of my personal past. There are other opportunities to learn your native language - your speaking to them in it comes to mind, as well as cartoons and other community events - because if there are enough kids in the area to have a Sunday school in that language, then you can find other events also in that language, I suspect. None of us here know anything but your side of the story, which is scant and hard to follow. But why start that kind of animosity and anguish up again? To me, using it for a language class when you know it will make someone else uncomfortable is selfish.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I wouldn't be concerned about his behavior. It's been ten years.

I guess it depends on how will you handle it in front of your children. If you can deal with feeling a bit awkward, go for it. Or have your spouse do drops offs and pick ups.

Good time to just say "Hello" and water under the bridge and all that :)

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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

First question to consider: Are you absolutely clear in your own mind that you are not harboring a desire for any kind of relationship with him? Second, is this place the most convenient (or even only) place which teaches religious school in your native language? If your answer to both of these questions is 'yes,' then you should go ahead and enroll your child. You are unlikely to see him or his wife often. The first time you do run into each other will probably be a bit awkward, but you can just give a cordial hello and move on as promptly as is polite to indicate that you aren't looking for extended contact. After a few times, as long as you observe the boundary of no intentional contact, everyone should become okay with the situation. [As other people posted, I think that text you sent him with a request was a mistake because it indicated you still expected some kind of relationship with him. That's probably why he snapped at you. Don't make that mistake again.]

Of course, if your two kids become inseparable friends, you'll need to develop a way to be comfortable with more frequent interaction, however that's unlikely.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

If you're worried, you have 2 choices. 1) Find a different program or 2) Ignore that he and his child are there, and make a choice to be cordial to him only if you cross paths by chance and that's all. Otherwise, leave the past in the past and don't bring them up or share your history with them at all to anyone else at the school. You can only control yourself. If he gets upset or acts out, that's on him. Try not to assume the worst of him. A good bit of time has passed. Hope he's also moved on, and he's just going to focus on his own child as well.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I wouldn't worry about it.
But I've never heard of Sunday school being a place that is - in addition to religious studies - is also good for picking up a language.
Is there another place where they can get more exposure to the language than just at Sunday school?
I've been seeing ads for Babble lately - maybe that app can help them too.

Additional:
I'm not saying Sunday school is a bad idea.
It's just that if picking up a language is your goal for your kids - then find something in addition to Sunday school to help with that.
Once I was done dating someone - I generally wasn't interested enough to keep tabs on what ever they were up to.
Just be sure your reasons for having your kids in this class have no bearing on your past relationship(s) and that you aren't doing this for a chance to see him.

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K.M.

answers from New York on

If you can't handle it or you both can't be adults, please do not put your child in the class. If you two don't get along, then the teachers and students will pay the price.

4 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamapedia, V. Y.

PLEASE use paragraphs!! They are your friend!! Your post, while short, is very hard to read.

You dated a guy 10 years ago. You broke up. He got married. After he got married he got upset with you after you sent him a text. How long ago was this text sent?

I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's been a few years. You haven't let things go. Maybe he has. Just let it go. Be nice. Be polite. Stick with the PRESENT and not dwell on the past. Don't even MENTION the past. Leave it there.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Ignore him and do what is best for your kids, if he says anything to you be polite but distant.

3 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Unless you are both volunteering in the classroom at the same time you won't see him at all so don't worry about it. If you are afraid of running into him at drop off/pick up time just have your husband take the kids. Problem solved.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I think he needs to grow up and deal. It's been 10 years, for goodness' sake. He remarried, he probably HAS already moved on, but have you? Act normally, you cannot hide at home, and hide your children away, just because you fear you or your children will run into him. This is life, we sometimes encounter people we had something with, or worked with at one point, and even if things went sour, a grownup just focuses on themselves and their family, not in bringing back drama by bringing up the past.

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P.G.

answers from San Antonio on

It's been years. This shouldn't even be an issue. You just be polite.

Of COURSE he became upset if he was married and you continued to contact him. If you've had no problem for the last several years, then there's no problem unless you or he make one. And considering you're just dropping off and picking up kids, there shouldn't be problems. Just be an adult, be polite.

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S.H.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Is this the only place near by? I am assuming it is.

It might appear to him or his new wife that you are trying to get back in his life through your child.

I just bring that up as looking at it from the other side. If The ex and his wife have been using this school/church for awhile and you are new, they could say you are stalking them to the other families and make you look like you can not get over him. Now on the other side, I live in a small community and ex's are going to have their children in the same school because there is no other choice. Don't go out of your way to make friends with them.

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K.E.

answers from Chicago on

I wouldn't worry about this at all. What could he possibly do that would affect your child? After all, this program is about the kids, not about you two.

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