My Husband Won't Do Foreplay.. and I'm Getting Frustrated.... HELP!!!!!!!!!

Updated on February 23, 2011
J.F. asks from Raeford, NC
13 answers

I need some help, advice, whatever... My husband and I are happily married for the most part. He's a great guy and is a wonderful father. The only problem? Our sex life! When we first started having sex, while we were dating, it was amazing! He would always do anything and everything to make me happy... even after we had our daughter it was wonderful. It wasn't until we had been married about a year that things went downhill. My husband is in the Army and he is very tired alot of times. I can understand that, but I'm getting REALLY frustrated because he won't do ANYTHING to please me anymore. He isn't romantic, he doesn't touch, he doesn't play... nothing! It's pretty much, get on/get off. I've tried talking to him about it. I will do whatever he asks me to do so he can enjoy it, he just won't do it for me. So, I need advice on how to get him to want to please me.... any ideas? I'm desperate ladies!

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answers from Seattle on

Ditto Amanda J.

Also, 2 good rules of thumb:

- Honey, you need to learn to "lick the alphabet in 7 languages" (common military phrase, and most of the ones I knew took pride in their "multi-lingual" abilities. Sigh. Seriously, that particular conversation happened FAR too often. It takes about 7 minutes, and I have every variation of it memorized. Sheesh.)

- House rule : No penetration until the wife comes at least once.

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answers from Louisville on

GIRL HOLD OUT!!!! Tell him you dont get any thing you want neither does he. worked for me :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard for a man or a woman when sex isn't working well. And the rest of the marriage can be fine, I believe, but the bedroom not be.

Perhaps he is very stressed, and having sex is actually just a release for him right now, to lower the stress, instead of enjoying sex for what it is and can be. If that's what is going on, perhaps getting him to take a shower with you beforehand, giving him a massage, etc., would lower the stress so that perhaps he'd play with you more.

Some of the ladies who have give rather graphic :) illustrations of what to try are giving you some really good advice. I hope that you will give it a go.

I hope this gets better soon!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Okay, I am having the same problem too and getting VERY bored and VERY frustrated. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I have NEVER in my life been gone down on and foreplay is nonexistent. I have tried talking to him, asking, etc. and it doesn't work. I've tried getting liquor into him but he just complains he is too tired. Erg! I am trying to talk him into going to a hotel, getting liquor and a hot tub, flower petals and candles, etc... I told him if we do that I will go down on him if he will do foreplay and give me several fun times. We'll see if anything like that comes about. I also started belly dancing classes Tuesday. Even with one class I learned some great moves (that need improving) but that I can use in the bedroom. When I dance for him I plan to play "cat and mouse" for a while. Maybe that will get some foreplay going. I plan to cover up with only a sheer scarf and do some belly dance strip teasing to get him going. You might try doing the tease thing...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

talk talk talk. if it gets to the point where you don't want to because of it, be honest with him about that too. if it means not getting any i bet he will reconsider helping you out a bit! he might be surprised how much hotter it gets when you're really revved up - which foreplay will do.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Memphis on

Go check out the blog "What Women Never Hear" -- -- and search for "foreplay" -- you'll get some ideas.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

I think all marriages go through a bit of 'rut' after settling in over time. What has worked for us is getting some adult, couple time together. Whether it be a date night or getaway weekend for both of you. Get a sitter for your LO. Bring up the happy memories you had in the past - Say, "honey, do you remember that magical night we had?" We also leave love notes or cards for each other. Also, an adult bedroom game is another great way to spice it up! Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Fort Collins on

The masturbation with a vibrator in front of him or alone as long as he knows.Terrible ,manipulative may be but now that it did work i don't even have to use the toy .I will just say i need privacy to take care of me (he knows i mean sexually).And he will be like no no and start playing with me and get me off better tan the toy.So happy i of course reciprocated.I never though about it may be jealousy but i guess it could be lol.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

You didn't mention this but have you just tried talking to him about your frustration? I mean literally tell him that you are getting frustrated. Tell him that you have needs to and that he needs to help you understand why the sudden disinterest. Ask him direct questions, whatever you want to know. I have always been a very open and honest person so I would ask, "don't you want me anymore? don't you love me? are you interested in someone else? don't you want to please me? See how he answers. Maybe he is depressed. Is there anything different going on in his life, your lives? Is he always with you or could he have interest in someone else? I would not let him "get on and off" anymore, I would say that you want foreplay and then ease into that. Set a date night at home, candles, wine, appetizers for dinner, get a movie, etc and then at bedtime have a little lingerie on and start slow. Tell him to relax and let you take over.....set the mood for him. DONT let him on top of you though until you have had yours. ;o) I hope it works out for you, I would be so upset too! It is about give and take, not selfishness or you don't get yours either! ha ha Have you tried 'movies'? role playing? Make a game out of it, act like you are someone else and walk into the room with him and start your role, he will not get it at first but keep it up, he will eventually get it. something like, "excuse me sir, is this seat taken?" then go on from there.....Or throw him down on the bed and proceed to pretend like he is at a get what I'm sayin'. :o) If these do not work, he needs help. Truly, he could be depressed, stressed, etc

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Have you told him?

Or maybe since he is tired/over worked/stressed... maybe HE needs more foreplay?

Just talk about it...

good luck,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

firstly when someone says they are "happily married" and then goes on to complain about something, I say to myself, how happy can you really be....
I understand that every relationship has its share of problems, but some are deal breakers more than I would ask myself, is this a deal breaker for you and if it is.. then I say, get into couple's therapy..... YOU can't make him do anything.. believe me.. guys are guys.. tired or not IF they are into foreplay, they do it... I suspect there is perhaps more to how he is or isn't feeling and the foreplay or lack thereof is only a symptom and not the real issue..
if you are as desperate as you say, then why not try out some couple's counseling.. maybe he thinks you are the one who doesn't do enough? I mean it's definitely worth asking him.. both men and women change over the years... maybe you can sit him down and instead of saying .. hey you are the one not doing this or that... ask him what he needs from you..
if that goes no where.. then as suggested. therapy... otherwise, I only seeing this matter getting worse before it gets better..
best of luck



answers from Houston on

I found it helpful to tell him what my needs were. We have since added toys, and I tease alot. But I don't let him touch until its right for me and him. We did alot of talking.


answers from Nashville on

Well my husband is pretty good for the most part every night he is always wanting sex and in the morning as well. If he had it his way it would be a couple times a day. But he does do foreplay and everything sometimes i would ask him to please me and if he says no (which is rarely) then i wouldnt do anything to please him. Also i have a vibrator and while he is at work i will call him up and he will ask what im doing i would tell him that i was masterbating and took care of myself and i think he gets jelouse of my vibrator lol. Bc anytime when we are fooling around i will say let me get my vibrator and he will be like no ill take care of you. Try getting a toy and see what that does. And trust me it feels just the same with the toy. Good luck:)

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