I agree that you should get the book, The 5 Love Languages!! You could be "saying" I love you over and over again, but if you're not speaking his language, he just doesn't hear you. It's worth a try....
Do I give my husband a divorce and lose everything? We have been married for about 3 years. In this time he has bought everything he"s wanted, (4) snowmobiles, (4) 4 wheelers, 2 campers, a boat and a new Dodge pick up. I also have a newer car. We only owe on the car and truck. When it comes to me, I don't show him enough Love. I don't give him enough sex. I ask to many question about his job, his kids. I'm working to much or I'm not working enough. Seems like I can't win. If I have lunch or dinner with a girl friend and if its in a place that serves beer then I'm at the bar and messing around. Do I try counseling again or do I give him the divorce? Should we sell everything and start over?
I agree that you should get the book, The 5 Love Languages!! You could be "saying" I love you over and over again, but if you're not speaking his language, he just doesn't hear you. It's worth a try....
I would go the counseling route. You've worked too hard for a very long time to just give up on it. Don't quit. Keep working.
Dear A. M,
I myself have been through a divorce. I was married 8yrs. I to did everything to be a good wife. My husband did everything he could to find fault with me. My first clues were for several years he was never around, he was very selfish in a sense that it was always about him and his career, he was very flirtatious with other girls even though I was around. He was more interested in impressing them rather than being with me. Eventually he started going to the bars every weekend and wouldn't come home until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. Long story short he moved me to another state and then proceeded to leave me, three weeks later I found out that he had been seen around town with another girl. We have been divorced for 3 1/2 years and 1 year ago I found out that he had been seeing this girl the entire spring and summer and into the fall while he was still married to me. Not every man is good you need to do some research on him and find out the truth approach him find out what really is going on maybe he is just not ready to grow up and doesn't want any more responsibility, I can't say. It's up to you to do what you can to save the marriage so that you can have a clear conscience. He may open up to you, if not at least you can say that you did everything you could to save the marriage. Their are good men out there, I know I met an amazing husband and now have an 18 month son. I am now glad my first husband left me because it opened a new door to happiness.
I wish you well.
Divorce should never even be spoken in the home (it should not be an option)
I have also been married for a similar amount of time and I hope the words that I say can help or give you some direction. I have one question Does He Love GOD? If he doesn’t, he will always be trying to fill an empty hole that only God can fill. I am not too sure if you are a believer or not but hear me out OK.
When God Created MAN he didn’t create women yet, it was just man and God and mans one and only purpose, was to walk hand and hand with God. God is the breath that man needs to breath.
Man sees pretty girl
loves pretty girl marries pretty girl fills up with all of pretty girl
and then notices that he is still not full???
so then he buys many things, this and that and that and this
and still finds that he is still not full??
so he is now empty and doesn’t understand it??
Must leave girl and find another one to see if she can fill him up or he might try to fill that emptiness with something else
And this can be repeated over and over.
When we are not actively reading Gods word and/or socializing with other God Followers, Satan/the Evil one is happy for he gets to have easier attacks on the man’s soul and the woman’s soul. For he wants to tear apart what God has sanctified together.
Satan loves distorting what God has made beautiful (For instance Music and Sex, Sex was created for The bonding of a man and his wife ONLY) and when he breaks up relationships he has an easier time distorting a person further and further from salvation when they are by themselves.
When a Married couple are practicing Love and Creating Life, Oh Gosh Satan is screaming for all the demons to destroy it for they are echoing Love and the most important thing Creating Life and bringing other offspring into the realm of sacredness TO GOD for the true purity of LOVE which is God for he is Pure Love.
Satan will do whatever he can to destroy your marriage so I say don’t ever ever let go unless he starts cheating on you then you are rereleased from the contract you have made with God;
but that is not saying that at that time you have to get a divorce if is up to your heart. But I would say never never get out of it unless that is present or there is extreme violence. You also need to make God the most important part of your heart, more than anything!! for if you are plugged into the source of love then you are complete and can give love. When we get plugged in we then have to make sure to nurture that connection and pray for protection for evil and temptation (satan SEEMS TO TRY TO SEND MORE ATTACKS WHEN YOU ARE TRYING to follow God for he might have had you at once but now he is losing you and wants to bring you back misery and hell). We must remember when we become God child that it is another siren in the devils ears and he wants to do whatever he can to destroy that connection.
I am sorry this is so everywhere but It was on my mind so I said it OK. Just remember we cannot love unless we are plugged into the source of love, then and only then can we radiate the purest of loves. I pray for your marriage and your Lovely family. Remember God is all that matters. Put him first and have faith and all will take its proper course in your life.
it is not YOUR problem, it is HIS problem, and he uses this usual trick of turning the tables: not to be blamed, he starts blaming himself... this is very sad...
If HE does not accept counseling, then I do not see how it could be fixed:
after all, do you want it to go on in this manner???
YOu are 48, I am 47. You are financially independent: you have your own great kids: and I tell you want: life is GOOD, and you do not need to allow ANYBODY to humiliate you thus!!!
Here is the point:
I've been extremely compassionate and caring, dedicated and sacrifizing, and my friends (elderly ones especially) AND my three children kept telling me that I need to THINK ABOUT MYSELF, not this big overgrown boy... I was always looking for MY faults, I thought "if he does not feel happy, it is my problem, I am doing something wrong". My son asked me: Mom what is it you want to do yourself, with your OWN life? I said: I am mom, and I am so happy (I had a job also, always, but the main stream of my life has always been MOM'hood :) And he said: Okay, now we are BIG, MOM, and we are happy, and all is well, now what do you want to do for YOURSELF?
Finally, I realized that by my devoting myself to another, and trying to please the one who finds joy in accusing and condemning, I really lose my own identity> I sat down and thought: wait a minute, it is really true: i raised my great kids (25, 23, 17 now), and I did ALL what I possibly could to have a great family. BUT, here is my SOUL, that is encapsuled into this vessel of my body: why did this Soul came into this world: to please the one who does not care? It does not make sense!!! To raise children? = Well, I completed this task really well. What else I am here for? I am a teacher, and I teach English as a Foreign Language for years: to little kids, to adults, in public and private schools, in college and to businessmen, and now as I moved to another state, I do not have a teacher's certificate for this state, and I cannot work in school, and although I give my best at work, it is not teaching or school.
Now, look at me: I divorced, and I went to college. My son kept bugging me every week with that question: he is a wise boy, and finally he sees, that Mom is doing something for herself. And you know what? next year I will graduate with additional major: literature teaching, AND I volunteer helping in schools, AND all my kids are happy, AND we don't have scandalous talks at home anymore, coming from that big boy, AND GUESS WHAT: I am married again, to the most wonderful greatest ever guy I could not even dream of! \
So, My Dear Lady: If you do everything right, and he is not satisfied, then think that Your Soul needs to express this precious Presence somehow also: Your Soul came here, not to please others, but to fulfill some OWN task. Feel deep, what is YOUR OWN TASK IN THIS WORLD, seek what You can do, to follow YOUR OWN PATH!!!
Like Richard Bach said in his great book, ILLUSIONS:
If you are not happy, you are not on your Path:
it means you need to do some alignment, and step happily on the Path that was emant for Your Soul.
Life is precious, Life is GOOD!!! I wish You all the very best, A., to find your Happy Smile, on the Right Track!!!
Well I do not believe in divorce, but I don't want to preach to you or anything. My husband and I (more me then my husband) just finished reading an awesome book called Love & Respect. The concept is wonderful. Men need respect like they need air. If they are not getting it it is almost as if you are stepping on his air hose. Women need love like they need air and if we do not receive it it is like someone is stepping on our air hose. When I do not feel loved by my husband I certainly do NOT feel like giving respect and visa versa. So therefore neither of our needs are being met and both unhappy. This is called the crazy cycle (what the book calls it). So the whole book is how he needs respect as much as you need love and if you are both trying to give the other what they need your marriage is much better. Now my husband and I do not have a perfect marriage by any means, but it definitely helps. Again, the book is called Love & Respect. I'm sure you can find it at the library. Good luck!
I recommend the book The 5 Love Languages
read taht first and then make the decision.
A., before you divorce read a book with a title that might upset you, but it also might save your marriage....The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. Another book, from a Christian perspective is Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl at nogreaterjoy.org. Both are excellent and will help encourage you. Right now your marriage is in a tough spot - these books might help you make it a sweet spot intead.
i'm no expert, but sometimes a book can get you and/or your husband thinking enough in a different light to make much needed changes. we are currently reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and i have noticed a difference in my husband's behavior.
Ask him wha the real problem is? Is he sleeping around on you? It sounds like he has some problem and you are the one he is blaming for allhis hardships. He sounds very selfish and who has paid for all his toys?
Go out on a date just the two of you and talk things out. See if he even wants to make your marriage work. It takes two to make a marriage. It takes two to destroy a marriage. Is he worth it to you? It is sad when a marriage doesn't work and it hurts all involved. Does he really care? Just food for thought.
I am sorry this isn't working for you and I hope you can resolve the problems.
I am 43, divorced for a lot of the very same reasons you are speaking about.
I highly recommend counselling first. My ex refused, he would not in any way take responsibility for his own actions, wanted to blame everyone else. He still doesn't take any responsibility for his part in our marriage dissolving! He calls the kids daily most days, he visits when he can. He is also on his eighth relationship in three years.
I had to sit down long and hard and realized I want neither of my children growing up in a house with miserable parents. I was sick of my ex trying to eat away at my self esteem. He was an angry and negative man. I got sick of busting my rear trying to do things "the way he liked". He actually criticized me once on how I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!!!!
You need to think of yourself and your children. If he is unwilling to change then it is time for you to go.
Some men just don't want to see their flaws.
My ex instead decided to go on Classmates.com, get back in touch with an old high school girlfriend and transfer with his job 1,000 miles away. That relationship failed, however he still lives far away. It hurt at first, then I realize he is the one soul that is lost, I have two great kids and get to see them growing up. He is stumbling out there and so lost. He is still angry, negative and blames others for his problems.
It was hard, I won't lie, but I can live in a house now with peace. I am not walking on eggshells. My kids see me happy and there is so much less stress in our house.
Your husband needs to figure out what is more important, insulting you, critiquing you or saving his family. Most people that are that critical are really too insecure themselves. He sounds like an unhappy person that is trying to buy toys to fill his void or whatever is going on.
I suggest you stand up for yourself, tell him you all will be going to couselling. If he won't go, then I suggest you ask him to leave the house for a separation. If that doesn't get him motivated to save his family, then file for divorce.
Sounds like you have a financial stepping stone.
I am not an advocate of divorce, however I am a advocate of being the positive example to my children of what love is. It isn't about hurting someone you love, it isn't about being selfish or verbally abusive. Growing up in that kind of house will lead your children to think that is the norm, it isn't! I would never have foregiven myself for my daughter thinking it was okay for a man to treat her that way or my son growing up thinking that was how you treated women! No way!
I have not dated in three years, my kids are young and my main focus right now.
I hope to one day meet someone wonderful and show them what a loving, kind and respectful relationship is all about.
I wanted my kids to grow up in a happy home, I tried my best, but it exhausted me and I wasn't the person I needed to be for myself or my kids.
Financially, since my kids are still young, daycare expenses and so forth have been hard for me to go back to work. Financially we had to really readjust our lives. It was worth it. I get to live happy in my own home with my children seeing that.
Do what you feel in your heart is best. You know your husband and can determine if he will change. You know your children and what is truly best for them.
Snowmobiles, boats and so on aren't going to make anyone happy if they are hell bent on being unhappy.
He has other issues, some you may not even be aware of and only counselling and real effort will fix that.
Good luck, God Bless!!
I know of a book that will turn your marriage around completely if you both put into action what it says, even if only you do! It's called "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs. It is Bible based, but you don't have to believe in God to use these practical tools. It has enhanced my marriage so much and we have a "good" marriage. It has also saved my Sister's marriage. She and her husband have considered divorce for 8 years and are now finally truly happy after reading this book. Try christain book stores or online at www.focusonthefamily.com. I'll be praying for you guys!
PS. Write him a letter on how much you respect him & appreciate him for everything he does. He needs to know you admire him and need him, just like we need to know he loves us.
First question: you said should YOU do counseling again, has he ever gone to counseling? Marriage takes work on both sides, and what you describe is you doing everything to make a family while he is busy spending money and playing. He obviously doesn't understand what a marriage partnership is. What has he done right for you lately? I am not suggesting divorce, but remember that you cannot change him, and it doesn't sound like you are the only problem in this marriage. It is a convenient excuse for him, however. It is time to start taking care of yourself and setting boundaries for your needs. If he really loves you, he will also go to counseling and you work on your marriage TOGETHER.
Marriage is hard work, if it were that easy, so many people wouldn't give up. I'd say go back to counseling, find a happy medium for both of you. He obviously has some issues he needs to deal with himself though too.
Some of these people on here who write "married to my best friend, and most wonderful husband in the world etc etc" are in some serious denial! Ugh! If I have to read one more of those (ugh!)
Anyway, you two should really have a good sit down and find out what it is he's searching for. Buying all this stuff, it's like he's searching for something, something to fullfill an emptiness or something. Maybe together the two of you can fullfill that need and find something you both really enjoy to do together.
I am not a counselor, but it seems like your husband could use some external help or advice if he is soo unhappy. You could try to ask for him to specifically write down what he would like from you to make him more happy. Tell him you wont be angry, but just want honest and truthful answers that you can move forward with in attempting to make him more happy ( without the complaining and bitching) If he is not willing to work these things out, it is going to be a long haul for you. A question to ask yourself is are you happy? You can take control of your life. I wish you all the best in moving forward.
Did I miss something when reading what you have written?
It seems look your main concern is about the things that you have acquired.
I don't get from what you wrote that you really love your husband.
If that is true, why bother with counselling?
I would love to hear what it is about the relationship that you would miss.
Is he worth staying with? I have heard a lot about his complaints and his wants, what about yours? Why does he want this divorce? Has he met someone else? Is this why he is saying you are messing around in bars and not doing enough or is he a control freak? What do your kids think of this guy?
I would talk to a lawyer without letting your husband know about so that you can learn what your options are. I would also make sure that you had a seperate bank account with money of your in it before you let him know. You have to take care of yourself and your daughter.
Get your own lawyer and go to it.
If you have been in counceling already with no results, then it is time to get on with your life.
The one thing I have learned, (I am 59 yrs. old, and married 4 times) is that we women are better off without a demanding, critical mate.
You do not need the negetive in your life.
And why beat yourself up over an over demanding baby.
Am still with number 4 who is terminally ill and sucks the life out of me.
So you know you can do it on your own.
Life is way to short to spend it with a man who has to critique you every move, to feel better about himself.
For your sake and the sake of YOUR children, you need to get away from this guy.
Don't allow him to rob you of your self esteem.
A marriage should make you feel good and safe.
And it is apparent this one does not do for you.
Take care of yourself dear.
A., I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there, I know how bad and painful it can be. See if he will do serious couples counseling (I doubt it). If he won't, there's not much you can do. I do know women who refuse to get a divorce and just stick it out no matter how bad it gets. If you aren't like this (I wasn't - why ruin the rest of my life?) and he won't go to counseling, you may want to consider leaving. He is emotionally abusive, manipulative, and shows all the warning signs of becoming physically abusive in the future. That "You are at a bar and messing around" one is a classic predictor of violence.
I've read through all of the responses that were posted before I decided to write one to you.
First, I think you've been given some very good advice and feed back. I'm not really sure I can give you anything new.
My husband and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary next week. No one is more surprised to see this day than I am. We've had a VERY rough go of it. The only reason we stayed together and worked through it is because of our son. And there were days when I wasn't even sure that was the right thing to do.
My husband was volitale, unpredictable, mean-spirited, afraid of his own shadow, unable to hold a job, depressed and yes -- every bit of the strife in his life was my fault. Bottom line is HE was miserable and taking it out on the closest one to him - me.
Last fall someone suggested I read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells, about Boaderline Personality Disorder. It was chilling. My DH was a dead fit. So I took a chance and gave the book to him, along with (another) ultimatum. Read it and get some help to fix it, or his son and his wife would be gone forever (something he really did NOT want). I gave him exactly 4 weeks and I my son and I spent the night at my mother's to give him some space to 'think about it'.
Obviously he did what he needed to do to keep his family
But he was willing to do what is sooo difficult for many men (well, women too), he was willing to take responsibility for himself, his situation and his actions. HIS pain had become so unbearable there was nothing left for him to do.
Now, this may not be something your dh is willing or able to do. And it seems to me that is the ultimate test. No matter what you do, regardless of how much you work on yourself, if he is unwilling to make that leap himself, than that is your answer.
You and your children deserve love, respect and peace. Gather your resources around you (your friends and family) and do whatever you need to do to change your life into what you want it to be.
First of all, I am sorry that you are having such a terrible marriage. Marriage is such a wonderful experience when it is with the right person. It sounds like you have gone to counceling, and if you think it MIGHT help, I would try it again....with a different councelor. It does not sound as if your husband wants to listen to what anyone else says, so maybe it will not work. I do not support divorce in many cases, because I think every marriage has rough spots to go through, but your marriage isn't functioning like a healthy marriage. It takes BOTH people to work at meeting each other's needs....it sounds like he just wants to think of himself. If he is not going to try, and he just wants out of the marriage, I think you should let him go. Get a very good lawyer....he can't have it all...he bought those fun things while you are married....they are yours as well. Good luck, and I will be praying for you.
it sounds like the decision has been made. Why be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you? But if the decision hasn't been made --- I would try marriage counseling first. Is this your second marriage? Is this his second marriage? I would evaluate what didn't work in previous marriages. What worked? What didn't work? Apply that to this marriage. What's working? What's not working? It takes two for a marriage to work. Meet in the middle. I think we get married and divorced too easily these days. But also, life is too short to be miserable for the rest of your life. After you feel like you have exhausted all options, then consider getting a lawyer and a BIG D.
Give him a divorce? To my knowledge all states now have no fault divorce and he does not need your permission. However, I would ask you, eactly why would you not want to let him go? He is a selfish and foolish man thinking it should all be his way and you should bow to him.
Please understand, I am not a fan of divorce, our country has way too many and for my own moral reasons, I hate it. I also hate seeing a woman that is so independent, self sufficient and caring be treated in such a manner. You deserve better, but then again a husband is not allways necessary.
Enjoy your friends, family and create your own passions. You have nothing to be ashamed of here, he has caused this situation. Listen to Dr. Laura, she has taught me a great deal about myself.
A., it sounds like you already know what the best thing for you do do is. He sounds immature and manipulative. YOU don't show him enough love, YOU don't give him enough sex, YOU ask too many questions about his job, YOU ask too many question about his kids, YOU are working too much, YOU are not working enough, YOU aren't allowed do socialize with your friends because it is messing around. He has all of the "big boy toys" and it sounds like he hasn't grown up.
You are not to blame for his lack of maturity or his possessiveness.
Family is the most important thing--your children came before this marriage and should come first. You sound like a very capable woman with a lot of common sense. No one can tell you what to do--you will have to decide that for yourself. Only you can decide if staying in this marriage is healthy for you or if you will continue to be emotionally abused by someone who seems to be a bit of a bully and very controlling. You have your own business--you can survive on your own. And maybe with some self-respect intact if you don't wait too long.
Good luck! Starting over at any age is hard but you can do it if that is what you decide. Take care of yourself because no one else is going to take care of you.
no!!!! it sounds like your husband is trying to fill his life with stuff. Why not try your faith. Try counseling from your church, doing something together that would be a service to others, volunteer. But don't give up on your marriage. If he won't go to church try it yourself and speak with the pastor about your problems. You will get help and support. Men have midlife crisises too
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband sounds very selfish to me. I lived with a man like that for 5 years. Your husband is verbally abusing you and you shouldn't put up with it. You need to do what is the very best for you and your children. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. I hope you find your way to your happiness.
It sounds to me like he is always looking for you to do something wrong. My husband's exwife used to always accuse him of having an affair, and it turned out that it was her that was with somebody else. It took him coming home early from work just once and he caught them in his bed together! She was the same way with him, he never did anything right for her! He ended up working like a slave to try to make things the way she wanted, but nothing ever worked. So once he caught her cheating, he divorced her. I am so thankful for that because I ended up with a wonderful man who is loving, kind and a hands on father! We met after he had divorced her and she was still trying to manipulate his life.
You are the only one who knows the answer to this question, but I will tell you this, you don't deserve to live your life like this! You deserve so much better. Someone who appreciates you for what you do and who you are. You make your own money so you can make it on your own without him. But, you have to decide if that is what you want to do.
Good luck to you! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm 51 w/ 5 children...1 10year old left at home and have been married for 30 years. Have you read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? I highly recomend it. Sometimes when we get to this "middle age" we forget how to take care of our husbands and just be great women!! Our marriage is better than ever since I have used Dr. Laura's advice. I hope you try it!
You have been given some great advice by many people. You are not going to change your husband. But you can change the way you react to him, and how you feel about him and yourself. I would suggest you read the book " Bonds That Make Us Free," written by C. Terry Warner, published by Shadow Mountain. It is a book about healing relationships and ourselves. I highly recommend it to you and anyone else who is having issues. May God bless you and guide and inspire you on your journey. Much love.
I wouldn't take it as you can't to anything right for him. It really sounds like he has a bad case of needing to grow up. You deserve much better than being treated like that. after all, you're not his mommy. He sounds a bit spoiled with all of his toys.... do you have toys? Do you get to get away with out coming home and being accused of messing around? I say give him his divorce and move on with your life.
It doesn't sound like you would "lose everything". It sounds like you would just lose the dead weight of a husband that doesn't appreciate having a caring, interested wife. You have and run your own business, you've raised three children, you have a network of friends you can socialize with. You sound like you've got it together. I'm not saying you should give him the divorce, just that you should look at it a different way: you are not the "loser" in this, HE is!
Ultimately what it comes down to is....what is acceptable for you to put up with and also, what is acceptable for your kids to watch you put up with...no matter how old they are.
I'm not an advocate of giving up on a marriage without a fight, so see if you can find out whether there is something else going on with him....is this the man you married or is this a complete change from out of nowhere? Or, are you just finding out that you married a complete jerk who enjoys running you down and spending all of your money?
If there is something else going on...find out, and go from there. If he's just a jerk, then do what is best for you. If divorce is your option, don't let him get away with running you into debt, and DON'T let him drag the kids into it. Be honest with them, but try to keep them out of it. Selling material things doesn't mean you lose everything. Think of it as a necessary cleansing before your fresh start.
It is not about "giving" him a divorce. If he wants a divorce, the courts will allow him to have one. The real question is, why would you consider remaining married to a man who does not want to be married to you. While I cannot say for sure, based upon personal experience, I would guess that your husband's fidelity is likely at issue. Divorce is a messy business, but marriage to a man who you will never be able to satisfy is lifelong torment. Good luck.
I just wanted to say that it seems to me that your husband is the one with the problems. In my experience when a man starts complaining about everything you are doing, or in their eyes not doing, then they themselves are insecure or unsatisfied with something about themselves. My first gut reaction would be to tell you that you don't need someone like that. Let him go, but, do you love him that much to try and find out he problem. If you think counseling would benefit then go for it. Then if he still decides that a divorce is what he wants, you can walk away knowing that you did your best and tried to make the marriage work.
Guys and Gals show love in different ways. Most guys need to be touched to feel loved. Talk to your husband and see if that's how it is for him. I'm not talking specifically about sex - every touch is important: hugs/backrubs/etc...It makes sense that he'd feel jealous of you going out if he's insecure about your relationship.
Sometimes all it takes is a bunch of hugs right when he gets home...and some cuddling.
Tell him what you need from him to feel loved.
They've prolly written books about it.
Never do you say in your post that you love this man. It sounds to me like you're losing an awful lot of self respect and that can't afford to lose. Take inventory of what he's really saying and you'll find your own answer looking back at you in the mirror.
I think if he has made up his mind that he wants a divorce there is probably not much hope of saving the marriage. Marriage is hard enough when both people are committed to working out their problems. If he is not going to try to make things better, then why should you stress over a relationship that can't be saved? Once divorce is brought up, I think it spoils the commitment you gave one another when you were married. I know just the thought of starting over is terrifying, but being unhappy for the rest of your life is equally horrible. I wish you all the luck!
Get rid of him. Don't just give him the divorce, make him give it to you. He sounds like he's looking for an excuse, anything to make you have a fight with him. You deserve so much more, and you don't need that turmoil in your life. Find out if he has an ulterior motive. Are you richer than him, is he after something? Be smart and protect yourself.
Although I am not an advocate for divorce, it sounds like you ought to get out of this one. I am HUGE on parents of biological kids staying together, but you said the 3 kids are yours from a previous marriage/relationship. There is more going on with your husband than you may know, and this is not a good environment for you or your child. He sounds like a man that could blow any minute, and if your kid is a senior, it might only take that kid being out of the home, which will be very soon, for your husband to show his complete anger. Bluntly said, you could be dead in a matter of months if you don't get out now. Cut your losses on this one, and I suggest no more dating for a long while. Try enjoying life on your own and maybe find some counseling to figure out why you chose this man, so you don't make that mistake again. Seriously, get out now. If you have to stay with a relative, friend, or even go to a women's shelter until you get on your feet, do it.
I have a friend in a similar situation but with 4 kids under the age of 8. If your children are grown and nearly out of the house...it might be a good time to look inward at what you truly need/want as a woman, mom, friend, and maybe ex-wife. Don't look at it as "losing everything" but as gaining yourself back. You can't make him happy, he needs to be happy and content with himself and not look outward at things and people to make happiness. Counciling is always good but both parties need to be willing participants. Try looking for a couples therapist if he is willing but most of all really dig deep in yourself and see if he/marriage is worth the emotional/financial investment. Don't let fear of being "alone" cloud YOUR true happiness and contentment. Good Luck and try reading A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle for inspiration and encouragement.
Get a lawyer. sounds like he'll never be pleased no matter how hard you try. You deserve better than being degrated all the time. Staying with him my hurt the kids more than help and it seems they are old enough to understand.
I am a marriage and family therapist and have co-authored 6 books about marriage and couple communication (fighting for your marriage, 12 hours to a great marriage). I think many of your other responses are excellent and I just wanted to offer a little advice. It sounds to me like you do not know what you want in this situation. Is this a good and satisfying situaiton for you? Do you want to stay married to him? Do you want him to work on these issues and try to save the marriage, or do you recognize that he is not going to change and that the relationship is destructive? What will you really lose here?
If you really believe that you want to work on the marriage and that your husband will want to work on changing his negative and hurtful behaviors, then read some of the books suggested in the responses and find a good marriage therapist. My office info is in the business directory of Mamasource. If you recognize that your husband is not going to change, that he is blaming you for problems that really belong to him, and that you are equally unhappy in the marriage, find a good divorce lawyer and find a good family therapist to help support you and your children through the tough time ahead.
take care, S.
S. L. Blumberg, Ph.D.
Family & Relationship Options
I agree with Colleen. You mentioned material things. And losing everything, do you mean all your stuff? Think about why you got married. What were your reasons? And do you really love him or did you just marry him for security. As far as the reason he is asking for a divorce, you already answered that. I think men are pretty easy to please, your husband thinks he "needs sex" which on some level I think they do. He is paranoid when you go out with your friends because you aren't showing him much love so he thinks you are getting it elsewhere. I know you are searching for the real reason but I think that is it. Sorry.
I have been married for only eight months and i have realized that when i got married i was very selfish, the way i was able to realize it was through the help of a book called, The proper care abd feeding of husbands. There's another book too called, The proper call and feeding of a marriage. They are both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My husband has realized his faults too and have gone so much close in such a small amount of time.
It sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate you nor the things you do for him or your family. Find someone who appreciates you and who will put you equal to himself. You deserve better then that.
The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be taking advice from divorded moms or happily married ones. I'm not trying to sound mean but it's something to think about. I saw someone suggested the Five Love Languages and I second that. Maybe the reason your husband is acting the way he does is that he doesn't feel love from you. Not that your not showing love, but the way that you show it is not what he recognizes as love. Thus he is acting out in harmful ways. At a rocky point in my marriage I read this book and it was really like a light bulb went on. I felt unloved but then realized that it was because I didn't understand the way that he expressed love to me. It's not a fix all but at least it might help. If you want to succeed in your marriage go forth with questions of what you can do to make him feel loved and happy. Eventually he will reciprocate.
I am sure you are in agony over this decision, there are so many factors to consider, but based on what you have written it sounds like your husband is extremely selfish and wants a divorce but wants you to be "the bad one". It's like he is pushing you and pushing you until you either become his slave and dumping ground for all his negative energy or divorce him and then he gets to play the victim card. I'm sure there are reasons why he is acting so negatively and making such devastating choices that hide his good and authentic nature, I mean there must be a reason you married him... but unless he has a desire to confront the pain that he is trying to suppress through all his negative behavior toward you, you would be better off divorcing and asking the universe to send you a man that will love and honor you and delight in your gifts and receive what you offer. I guess if I were in your position I would ask myself have I given my best and has it been received? do I desire more from a relationship? You sound like a thoughtful and loving person, you deserve the same.
Get a really good lawyer and take HIM to the cleaners!
It sounds like your husband treats you horribly, which you do not deserve. He sounds possessive and insensitive, which are markers of an abusive relationship. You are fortunate you did not have children with him. Save yourself and get out.
If he doesn't want to try to work on the marriage then let him go but now without a fight for assets. You deserve half of everything purchased or earned over the last 3 years. If he wants all his toys he can pay you with cash for them.
The most important thing is, take care of youself. Don't think of this as an ending but as a beginning for you. Take classes in things that interest you. Spend time with friends and your flowers and enjoy your freedom.
I wish you luck.
He's trying to make you the problem when it's his problem. Don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad about his issues. You can start by telling him this is his problem, not yours. If you love him and want to work it out then I would recommend counseling. If he's into it. You can start by going by yourself. That's what I did. Then I started bringing my husband along and he got into too. But if you don't feel like he's worth the effort, then go with the divorce. I've never been through one and can only imagine how difficult they are. But I would look into counseling first and see if that works. But seriously, this is his problem, not yours. Don't bend over backwards for him because he keeps telling you it's not enough. If he's not satisfied, he needs to figure out why.
Counseling is always a good means to a possible end. In your many questions to him ask him if that is truly what he wants. Suggest counseling with someone you are comfortable with. I went to 2 pastors and a christian based counselor and I still ended in divorce, but not for the lack of trying to make it work. If it comes right down to it divide everything up or at least take 1/2 of everything and sell your half if you want and find something that will appreciate you. 3 years is awhile, but its not a life time of extra hard work. Marriage is NOT totally pleasing the other, you've got to get back also.
I hope this helps - K
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Marriage is tough; and sometimes it's downright hell-on-earth. Can I say that? I too have been married almost 4 years. And at times I've wanted a divorce too; sometimes quitting seems easier. I don't know what your belief system is: mine is Christian, so that's the perspective I'm coming from. I don't know everything your husband is doing...but I will say, that from his actions you listed he is Biblically off--there's definately a lot of selfishness going on. (Read 1 Peter of the new Testament). On the other hand, it's usually on both sides in some way, shape or form. Unfortunately, as much as we try, we cannot change our spouse. We can only ever change ourselves. My church has a saying, "You are not your husbands'(or wife's) Holy Spirit" (the person who convicts them of wrong/sin in their life.) The thing that has helped me tremendously is to know that my marriage is between me and God and not me and my spouse--as is the rest of my life. That is a hard concept to get because it's opposite of how we are driven to think--'it's about me'. My girlfriend puts it this way, "If you're right with God, then you'll see your marriage from a different view--the bigger picture. Your husband needs to know that your are there for him no matter what; he does not need an offended wife." As for him, all I can say is that "as much as it depends on you, seek peace and pursue it." Try this simple,yet difficult thing: Pray for him. Pray for your own heart; pray that God will show you what you can do to change and show him what he can do to change. It is physically impossible to hate someone you pray for. No matter what happens, you both have to deal with God in the end--and that's a very sobering thought. So be "without fault" in your own life and attitude. Give 100% in your marriage, regardless of whether he does or not. God will honor you in that. I would look into Family Life Ministries--their marriage conferences and counselors have a great reputation. Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Love and Respect is another good marriage book as well as Love that Lasts by C.J. Mahaney. Another great book that was challenging to me, but I realized the truth of it is, Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearle--that will rock your world (in a good way :)
Much Grace to you,
I'm sure your life is miserable also, having a husband who you cannot please, no matter what you do is wrong. You are married to a very selfish person, a narcissist, everything is about him, not you. This is a personality disorder and the only way he can change is if he becomes aware of his problems and sincerely desires to change. Counseling can only help your situation if this is true. You need to take inventory. Is what you have now better than what you would have without him. That means emotionally as well as monetarily for you and your children.
Good luck to you, you have a difficult decision to make.
A., I am a little late on this response. My main question is what do you want and how do you feel? Do you love him and want to fight for the marriage? Or are you mostly afraid of starting over and being alone? There is so much you have said that can't be quickly addressed. If you want to chat more email me personally. Otherwise, your husband is good at saying what he needs and wants. Now it sounds like it is your turn.
you did not say how old your husband is? the main thing I see as a single mom, are you happy? are your kids happy? I have been single my son's whole life, he is 15 years old, and I think we do okay. you say you own your own business, congratulation, that is a big step in this world, I own my own business also, love it. (not to be mean or rude your husband sounds selfish.) I don't ever wish divorce on anyone, but is your marriage one sided? Do you enjoy your husband company? or can you go and do things without him and enjoy yourself anyway? my heart bleeds for you and your kids. I would talk with your kids and get their feelings, that would be my turning point. god loves you and he is your salvation.
YOU going to counciling and/or YOU reading a self-help book won't work unless he is willing to do both also (which doesn't sound like it). You deserve to be treated like a person!!!
I would start putting the money you earn from you business into a seperate checking account then go talk to a lawyer.
Remember, Colorado is a common-law state therefore everything gets split 50/50. You won't loose everything just someone who's dragging you down and making you feel like sh**.
You are entitled to half of everything... Make sure you get it. I was divorced and we split everthing down the middle.. We tryed to stay civil for the kids... Divorce is very hard...You worked hard for all those things too... If you have a home make sure you either sell it or he buys you out... Don't settle on this one. I did and lost a lot of income.... Good luck.... Remember your a great mom and a great person. He is the one who is missing out... Mitzi
First of all, A., I feel horrible for you that you have felt unappreciated by the person you love. I am not an expert, nor do I know anything more about your situation than what you have divulged, but I would like to offer you my thoughts.
You are a grown woman with your own thoughts and feelings, you should be loved and appreciated the same way you love and appreciate those around you, be it your children or your husband. Above all, you should be respected. To me, your husband sounds insecure about himself and your relationship. Unless you've ever given him a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, he should never be accusing you of messing around.
You are fairly close in age to my mother, whom I consider my best friend. Your kids are almost all grown and out of the house. This is YOUR time to be living a good life. I'm a big advocate in staying together and doing counseling if that is what needs to be done, but there are some people that cannot and will not ever change. Has your husband been to counseling with you or have you gone just on your own?
It may be extremely difficult to divorce. You may experience things that you don't wish to put yourself through; pain, heartache, possibly even financial difficulties BUT you have to ask yourself if it is worth spending the best years of your life (think free adult time, children getting married and becoming a grandmother, all the things you love to do) with someone who is constantly trying to make you feel bad about yourself? I strongly believe that ANY woman can survive better alone than with a man who refuses to let her be who she truly is. Nobody should ever be allowed to make another human feel bad about who they are. Stay strong, do what you feel in your heart is right for you. I hope you have a very strong support system and I wish you all the luck in the world.
When I was married to a man who sounds very much like your husband a friend of mine recommended a very good book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them". Even though my now ex-husband didn't totally fit the profile of the men in this book, he fit it enough. I realize you have been given several book suggestions, so I was hesitant about recommending another, however this is an excellent book about relationships.
Another book I found helpful was "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara De Angelis. I gained many insights about myself and what I really wanted from a relationship.
Best of luck to you.
1. You have tried counseling?
2. Do you like to ride the fourwheeler, camp and boat? Are they things you do together?
3. Is he jealous?
4. Is he controling?
In my opinion, if the answer to 1,3,4 are yes and 2 is no, you can do a lot better. If 1,2,3 are no and 2 is yes maybe there is something to work on..
Ask yourself what you want. Remember you can NOT change him. Keeping in my you can not change him, do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't trust you, and has no respect for you?
I have been where you are and I choose to leave. After I left I got counsiling and have avoided situations that are not healthy since. I know very little about your situation, but I wouldn't stay with someone who has no respect for me.
I believe it takes 2 to make or break a relationship. Sounds like neither of you are in bliss. Both of you need to make a list of what you like/love about the relationship and make another list of what you do not like/love about the relationship. If the good out weighs the bad, you have a chance. If the bad out weighs the good, end it. Life is to short to not look for happiness.
Give him his divorce, but keep everything else in return.
I know it sounds cold are harsh, but do you really think if you do exactly what he wants - he's ever going to be happy?
NEVER trust a jealous man!
I think you married my ex husband. LOL. Is he a sociopath, also?