My Husband Thinks Im Nuts

Updated on March 30, 2008
M.V. asks from Grayslake, IL
11 answers

Hello,

My husband thinks that there is something wrong with me, because I talk to my parents and other family all the time. Some days I can talk to my parents 3 or more times a day. Keep in mind that they live in another state. We are a close family. He is not close to his family, he says he is but hes not. Guys are different than girls in that way too. When he talks to his dad or mom its like for a minute. Then I'll ask whats up with them and he says I don't know. It is also that I stay home with my son, and I don't have any friends here. Its not easy making friends, when you havent been here all your life, and have friends from school and stuff. My husband doesnt talk to me he just watches tv and he is not talkative. I think that it is good to be close to your parents, there not going to be around forever. Is there anyone else out there that is like me really close to their parents?

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A.M.

answers from Chicago on

M.,

You're not nuts. My parents live nearby, but my brother & sister have moved away. We don't have bad relationships, but our family has never been close. Even spending holidays together seems awkward because we don't really have anything to talk about or any strong bonds. I envy women like you who have excellent relationships with their parents and other family members. It's what I've always wanted. I have many friends who talk to their mothers every day and have very close, friendly relationships...all of whom I'm jealous. So be proud of the relationship you have. My husband is not close at all to his family either. I've known them for almost 17 years and I try hard to keep a relationship with them, but I get no real help from him, though they all live in Chicagoland. It seems I'm always looking for a family :) And I don't want my kids to grow up and then separate from us and feel awkward one day. I think you're setting a wonderful example for your children. That said, get your husband away from the TV sometimes and find a way to connect with him, too! My husband is not that talkative either. Maintaining a marriage is a real job, so I'm always trying to find a way to spend time with him that feels like relationship maintenance without all the effort. We don't get much "out" time, but I try to make sure we have some adult conversation with each other at the very least. I've even gone completely grassroots with him and came home with a deck of cards and a book of MadLibs - both of which turned into regular fun and an opportunity to laugh & enjoy each other's company. At first I nearly forced him to interact with me, but one day, completely on his own, he uttered that beautiful question that I hadn't heard since high school, "Do you want to play Monopoly tonight?" Ah, yes, finally we had connected again. Or we'll try to find something interesting we can both watch on TV. So since he did that for me, I learned to play golf for him. I'm very bad at it, but it's something we can do together in good weather, and my total lack of skill is a great way to get him happy and laughing. But for a couple years, he would come home from work and then hit the couch after dinner and not say a word. The silence was deafening, and I always wanted someone to talk to. It was a lonely time. So while I do think your relationship with your family is enviously fantastic, make sure it's not replacing the conversations you should be having with your husband.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I think your husband is probably a little jealous of your family closeness, however perhaps you might chose to talk to your family when he isn't home. Since you are a stay at home mom you probably could work that out so he doesn't feel so left out, particularly since he does remain in the house (the television watching thing) as opposed to being out at a bar or something. Sounds like he wants closeness, too, particularly with you and is letting you know that. He is your husband and should be number one as you will spend the rest of your life with him. Plus it wouldn't hurt to add some real friends to your daily life, people you do things with even if it's a play group. Your family is your family, but they are not paying your bills now and your husband might not be as close to his family because he started a family with you. Plus it costs a lot of money to be on the phone like that which might be irritating to him. Perhaps emailing them would be good. It's not easy making friends anywhere whether you live in the same neighborhood your whole life or move to a cave on the other side of the equator. You need to set an example for your child also so they will have friends. There are a lot of places where moms like you can go, activities that are free for moms and children. You will get many friendships through these things and will enjoy your family: you, your husband and child, more and I'll bet hubby will open up also once you stop putting him on the back burner. Believe me, if you get to be an at home mom you are very lucky and there are a lot of women who would love that. So perhaps you ought to think about whether or not you want to send him off to someone else or let him know you see him as your number one family member. I would guess if he is the main wage earner that he might be very tired at the end of the day. It doesn't sound like he thinks you're nuts. It sounds like he wants to be appreciated.And your parents will always love you.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.P.

answers from Chicago on

Hi M.,
I understand how you feel. While my kids are all older now, I talk to my mom a lot on the phone and she is out of state. We see each other maybe once a year. When my kids were little, I was at home with them and I understand completely how you feel. I'm from out of state with no immediate family by me still. Life is so much easier when you have family around to help and do things with.I used to be rather envious of women who had their family around but I have made some friends over the years but I know, its not the same.

My husband's family is here (within a hour and a half..) and while we do things with them at different times during the year, he doesn't pick up the phone and call them as much as I would if I had a large family close by and could do things with. My sister and I aren't that close and she also lives out of state.

I can understand your feeling isolated at home with a young child especially during the winter. It is possible your husband isn't as connected to his family as you are but I wouldn't assume he doesn't care about them because they don't talk for very long on the phone. Some people just aren't wired for phone conversations. hopefully you guys do get together now and then with this family to stay connected though.

Men aren't always in need of as much verbal connection I think in some ways as we are. And he may have a lot of opportunity to talk to people at work during the day so that is a big difference. I would try though for the sake of your marriage to make time with your husband so he can see that you value your relationship with him as you do your family. He is sort of checking out of things with the tv. If you can find a reliable sitter to allow you to have a date night each week with your husband, I think it would do you both good. Also, check out newcomers club in your town, they are listed on this website and opportunities to do things with other preschool moms. (not sure if your son goes to preschool yet) becuz you do sound very isolated. I know, I was there back in the day and it caused me to become very depressed at times. Try and be proactive for your own happiness and for your marriage. Good luck! This website is great too!

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T.J.

answers from Chicago on

Hey there!!! You are not nuts at all. My husband and I moved here in November 2006 and all my family and friends are in a different state as well. When we moved here I was 7 months pregnant and now have a daughter. Although I have met few moms I still don't have many friends and find myself sitting at home all day. So what do I do? Pick up the phone and call my mom or dad or send e-mails or IM with my friends back home. I am very close with my family and find myself calling all day long some days even if we have nothing to say. My husband barely ever talks to his parents or siblings who also live in a different state and I even had to remind him to call them today for Easter!! I feel your pain, you are not alone and certainly not alone in IL! Send me a private message if you are interested in getting together. I live in Carpentersville which is about 45 minutes from you but wouldn't mind meeting half way or coming to Grayslake or whatever - it would get me out of the house!!

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R.L.

answers from Chicago on

I also spoke to my parents every day, before they passed away many years ago. I still miss those talks. My husband was a little jealous of this closeness, he often told me he wished he could be that close with his parents, but I think it was OK because we were also close with each other.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being close with your parents, but you might want to work with your husband on your relationship so that it is also satisfying to you both. Maybe you could give him the responsibility of reaching out to new people to make friends together? Do you get time together to go out as a couple? Does he join you for things you really like to do? Do you ever join him for an evening in front of the TV?

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L.H.

answers from Springfield on

My husband things something is wrong with me too... I talk to my parents every day or I see them almost everyday.

I would tell your husband there is something wrong with him :)

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E.B.

answers from Chicago on

Hi M.,

I also have just moved to this area (Nov 07) and my family is out in Cali. I talk to my family members everyday, many times a day. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers and I am on my phone constantly, not to mention all the friends I left behind. I grew up with a very close family and me and my siblings are best friends. What is strange to me, is that my husband.. like yours is not close to his family. His phone calls are also a minute long, and to me that is a little nutty. I talk to my mom a lot since my father recently passed away. I treasure my daily talks with her, even more now since my father is not with us anymore. I don't want any regrets later on in life...our parents are not here forever so we have to treasure every moment we have with them...whether in person or by phone. The late night conversations...the laughter... the tears... the advice... the reminiscing on old times, advice on cooking, marriage, kids... those are the memories you will have for a lifetime. Luckily for me my husband has learned to accept that this is part of my life, and that this part will never go away. I wish you luck and stay close to the ones you love and those who love you.

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C.R.

answers from Duluth on

Hi M.,
I don't think you are nuts at all. I also am not from here so I talk to my sister all the time. I totally agree with you about making friends and being home with babies all day! Personally I think he is just jealous of your relationship with your family!

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R.

answers from Chicago on

M.,

Have you been spying on my life(ha, ha). Your life is just like mine. I would say don't worry about ever talking to your family to much. My family is also out of state and I don't see them as much as I would want to. My husband does the same thing, he gets off the phone and I ask how someone is, and the answer is I don't know. I think that is so weird.

Talk away to your family, you never know when they won't be there. I used to talk to my mom several times a day. She was my best friend. She past away a couple of years ago and I will alway cherish those times that I could just call and talk. My dad now has to deal with me calling all of the time, but we both really do enjoy our talks.

Take care

R.

Mother of two, 1 very energetic 2 yr old boy and 1 sweet as a angle 4 yr old girl.

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A.P.

answers from Chicago on

Nope - you're not nuts! At least I hope not because that would make me nuts too! My family is also very close. I speak to my mother several times a day. Also, my parents ,four of my five brothers, and my family all live a stone throw away from eachother - literally. Being a sahm can be very isolating and you NEED to have someone to talk to other than your child. Who better than family? I am so grateful to have been blessed with such an awesome family. Have you asked your husband about what he expects/wants when your son grows up? Maybe that would clarify things a bit for him! Best of luck to you and enjoy your family!

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C.D.

answers from Springfield on

You pretty much exactly described my relationship with my parents as well as my husband's relationship with his, except our families live 20 minutes away. I visit my parents 2 - 3 times a week, we exchange calls everyday. My husband on the other hand only talked with his parents once a month or less, talked for 5 minutes and spends 4 of them trying to get off the phone. lol

I've noticed my husband does feel jealousy with the relationship I have with my family, he seems to think I won't "cut the cord" but in reality I just enjoy my parents company and we have a lot in common.

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