My Husband Is Wanting to Give His Female Boss a Gift

Updated on December 02, 2018
H.B. asks from Salisbury, NC
16 answers

My husband and I have been together for 18 years and we love each other very much but theres this girl at his job shes younger than him and is his supervisor. He talks about her ALOT and they text about job related things and has given her a ride home a few times because shes had car issues which im not crazy about but i try not to be jealous and we got into a fight today because he called to ask me if we can get this girl a birthday present because her birthday is tomorrow and he said he wanted to get her something nice, now in my defense my husband has neber got me anything for my birthday nor any holiday which has always bothered me because i try to do little silly stuff for him for the holidays, im far from materialistic but it would be nice to feel special on those days so i got upset and told him why he was so concerned about getting her something for her birthday but never was concerned for 18 years about any of my birthdays, he called me shallow and said "I work and break my back for you, and come home to you" and then hung up on me. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your advice and help. We talked more about it when he got off work tonight and he understood where I was coming from to a point lol but told me that this woman has heloed him get extra hours and has also helped him out with issues he hasat work and looks out for him at work thats why he wanted to get her something we can afford from him and I, which i dont know her so thats awkward in itself but i tried to get his point of view he also told me that he wont do it if it bothers me thats why he asked me about it. Its still a work in progress but at least we have met half way on each others views. But i appteciate your help and advice because i needed to know if my feelings about the sitiation was vaild. Thank you all!

Featured Answers

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D..

answers from Miami on

Here's the thing. If he's not giving you birthday gifts and then throwing up to you that he works and comes home to you, but wants to give his supervisor a gift, then he's gaslighting you. And what this tells me is that he has a crush on her.

He may never go anywhere with it, and she may have no interest in him, but he is still throwing himself at her. He pretends it's because she is over him at work, but it isn't.

7 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Let him know that you're far from shallow, in fact you will only be seeking 50% of everything in the divorce.
Seriously, are the kids still out of school and messing with us this week? Too much crazy to believe...

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It's unusual for Hubby to think about someone elses birthday and not yours.
He gets points for calling you to ask about it - so he's not hiding it.
Gifting up in a company is often simply not done - it looks too much like a bribe or kissing up.
And in his case, not only is gifting to his boss bad enough but to a younger woman in a position of power over him.
It's bad form - and makes him look like a foolish old man - it puts his status at work in potential jeopardy.
It's different if the whole department goes in a group gift but this doesn't sound like the case.
As to his work and breaking back comments - woo boy has he got a case of the 'oh woe is me's' and is feeling sorry for himself.
I'm sure you break your back taking care of the home, kids, family and him and you are home for him to come home to.
I think it would be best if he simply forgot about doing anything for this bosses birthday and instead you and he do a weekend bed and breakfast trip for some alone/talk/reconnecting time.

8 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

When I read the title, I thought you were making a big deal out of a common custom, to get the boss a holiday gift.

Then I kept reading. Red flags all over the place.

You "love each other very much" but
a) you don't trust him (you get jealous)
b) he has never bought you a gift of any sort for hokdays or birthdays
c) he doesn't listen to your concerns and he insults you, calling you shallow and ungrateful.
d) why is he texting about work outside of work hours all the time?
e) you seem to think another person can break up a relationship. She can't - not if it's a good relationship. But it's not. So he may well be cheating, or tempted to do so, which makes it an emotional affair if not a physical one.

A few things for you to consider:
a) stop calling another woman a girl. I don't care how much you dislike her - stop. It belittles her.
b) he called to "ask" you if it's okay - knowing it wouldn't be? Did he do this to hurt you and throw his boss in your face, or did he do it to highlight to you that he's thoughtful about gifts except where you are concerned.
c) love is not enough. You need mutual respect, concern, consideration. That's lacking here.
d) get counseling to either find some strength and confidence, or work out ways to talk to a spouse without fighting and jealousy. Your husband needs this too. If he won't go, that's a big sign of trouble.
e) people don't get their boss a birthday gift, not usually. An impersonal holiday gift, sure - but that's wine or a fruit basket or some chocolates/coffee.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

I see a lot of red flags in your post, red flags I have seen in my own life right before I found out about my husbands affair with his co-worker. Now I am not saying he is having an affair, but the fact that he seems to be putting her feelings before yours is very troublesome. No friendship should ever be important enough to keep it despite your life partners discomfort and mental wellbeing being hurt by it. You guys need to have a very serious talk, and don't let him gaslight you and try to tell you you are being paranoid or crazy, men usually only do that when you are getting at a truth they don't want to share. I would recommend seeing a couples therapist because there are definitely some issues here whether or not he is having an actual affair.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

* Mamazita - glad I'm not the only one thinking this ...

If you're not comfortable - you're not.
Who knows what is going on. Only your husband knows what his intentions and feelings are.
I don't know if you don't trust him, or if you're just jealous of his boss for getting his attention.

It's an issue either way. You've explained your position and feelings.

It's up to him now.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

hard to say, really.

my initial reaction is that the weird part is giving your boss a gift, female or male. but that depends largely on the type of job. at a more casual place (like my part time job) we're all friends so it does make sense.

but your situation is a little stickier. on the one hand you do sound pretty insecure. texting about job related matters, and giving her a ride when she needed one sounds like stuff any professional relationship could encompass.

and he did ask you before buying her a gift, so that's something.

but the rest is a kind of suspicious, isn't it? if he doesn't buy YOU birthday gifts it's very odd that he wants to buy one for his boss. and i sure don't like him hanging up on you.

it's all probably nothing, though. i suggest you both sit down when you're NOT upset and talk it through rationally like adults. use 'me' and 'i' statements, not the accusatory 'you.' actively listen by mirroring back each other's statements so you know you've both been heard and understood.

if after that, and your 18 years of history, it's still not resolved i suggest a marriage counselor.
khairete
S.

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

Normally I wouldn't really think twice about it, but because he has never given you a present, I would not be ok with this.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamapedia, H..

You are beyond jealous. You need to have a VERY DIRECT conversation with your husband and tell him how hurt you are that you want to get a "FRIEND" a gift for her birthday but he doesn't even bother for you.

You MUST communicate your expectations - just because you do "silly stuff for him" doesn't mean you have told him you EXPECT something for your birthday. HE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. Doesn't matter how many years you've been married or together.

I've been married 21 years this year - and with my husband for 24. It took him over 15 years to "GET" my birthday "right". He doesn't care about birthday's. It's just another day for him and his family only made a big deal about their mom's birthday's. Every YEAR I would tell him what I expected - he would fail. Apologize. And then we'd be back for the next year. Over the last 6 years - my husband has FINALLY acknowledged my birthday the way I want and expect. I thank him each time. I know how hard that is for him.

YOU need to talk WITH your husband and tell him that if he can't be bothered to buy YOU something for YOUR birthday - he shouldn't be buying something for a FEMALE FRIEND. then you tell him WHAT YOU EXPECT from him for YOUR birthday.

The fact that he hung up on you? That's a HUGE red flag in my book. That's totally inconsiderate and not a way a spouse should treat their 'loved one".

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I'm a retired police officer who supervised men. Some male officers introduced me to their wives/girlfriends as a way to reduce possibility of jealousy. As far as I know none of the women were jealous. Of course, I have a non-threatening personality. I did not flirt on the job making it safe for my fellow officers to introduce me. Sometimes we met after work for coffee, a drink and/or a snack. Perhaps you could ask to meet her

BTW, the things he tells you she does is her job. A simple thank you is all that is expected. If other employees are not giving gifts, it's inappropriate for him to give her gifts for the reason ir'a awkward for the wife and can negatively affect their relationship.

I have been taken out for a drink by a group of those I supervised to celebrate my birthday or someone, usually a woman, bring a a cake to the office.

I would be more upset that he isn't considering your feelings and continues to defend himself. I would expect my husband to apologize and find ways to reassure me.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Called you shallow and said "I work and break my back for you, come home to you" and then hung up? Yeah you got problems in River City my friend. While ya'll may love each other a lot, there is something fishy going on.

No, you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

I don't think you are wrong for having your own feelings on the matter, and expressing them. They are valid. I think HE was wrong for not apologizing about this fact, when you brought it to his attention. I know some people are forgetful or not thoughtful when it comes to birthdays, etc., but instead of being defensive about it, I feel they should recognize their failure to acknowledge you, apologize and start making it a habit to do something nice when it is brought to their attention -- ESPECIALLY when it concerns someone they love and is hurt over this. As to giving this woman a gift, why can't he just get her a card or a balloon? Why does it need to be a huge thing? Here at work, if anyone gifts anything, that's what is gifted, or in some cases, a cake for the office to share in celebrating. Buying a personalized gift that is only coming from him (or him and you, whatever) is odd, and will cause a lot of office gossip, not to mention the tension it is causing in your marriage.

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E.A.

answers from Erie on

I really really hope I'm wrong but take it from someone who knows: he's either thinking about cheating or he already is. He's gaslighting you, not reassuring you.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.6.

answers from New York on

If my husband ignored my birthdays for 18 years and then said he was getting his boss (male or female) a gift? I'd kick him square in the nuts and he'd not sit for a week. That is about the most selfish, shallow thing I've ever heard in my life.

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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

What a Jerk. He is flaunting his affair in your face. 18 years and no gifts that is so mean!!
Then he wants to get his girlfriend a present. Come on.
Divorce him and find a man who appreciates and respects you. You know what’s shallow, your self esteem, he doesn’t deserve you.

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C.G.

answers from Cleveland on

He breaks his back for you? You need to get him to look at the big picture. Unless you sit around the house eating chocolates and doing nothing, he has no right to mouth off. I had a little tiff with my husband concerning the same issue. It's because so much of what you do is unseen. He doesn't realize when I've mopped the floors, or dusted furniture, because he's unobservant. I started having him walk around the house, and I point out what I've done. Sometimes I show him the dirty bottom of the sponge mop so he can understand. If I sweep the floor in the kitchen, I show him what's in the dustpan. He finally gets it, I think. No offense to their persuasion, but they don't understand. I believe he wouldn't even notice the floors if only things were tidy enough for him. I wouldn't be able to stand for the floors to be dirty. So maybe he realizes the unseen things that I do by now. One thing for sure, I'm not going to go by his cleaning standards.

Updated

He breaks his back for you? You need to get him to look at the big picture. Unless you sit around the house eating chocolates and doing nothing, he has no right to mouth off. I had a little tiff with my husband concerning the same issue. It's because so much of what you do is unseen. He doesn't realize when I've mopped the floors, or dusted furniture, because he's unobservant. I started having him walk around the house, and I point out what I've done. Sometimes I show him the dirty bottom of the sponge mop so he can understand. If I sweep the floor in the kitchen, I show him what's in the dustpan. He finally gets it, I think. No offense to their persuasion, but they don't understand. I believe he wouldn't even notice the floors if only things were tidy enough for him. I wouldn't be able to stand for the floors to be dirty. So maybe he realizes the unseen things that I do by now. One thing for sure, I'm not going to go by his cleaning standards.

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