I tried to talk to my husband. We can never talk face to face. He always jumps on defense and makes excuses even when he doesn't need to be. I ask him about going to therapy and he immediately says he sees nothing wrong, that he won't go so they can shove pills down his throat, he has no time etc. He then text me after he left. He think that he never says anything wrong, does anything wrong he thinks he is the perfect husband and father because he works. He thinks he should not have to do anything if he is off work. I kept calm and told him I thought it would help us communicate and it would be a mediator between us. He absolutely is refusing! I told him if he was not willing to go I didn't think I would be willing to stay in this relationship the way it was. He said he was not going to therapy and if that was my choice so be it. Do you think he is calling my bluff? What should I do? I wanted this to work. I wanted to try everything possible for us and for our children. When my kids come to me in a few years I want them to know I tried everything. Now I just feel like I am failing them and myself along with this marriage!
Thanks for the support! His parents separated when he was 2. His dad was in and out of jail. His mom was on drugs his whole life until recently(last 2yrs)! He had a bad childhood. Most of the time they had no electric or food. He would have to walk to a friends house 3-4 miles up the road to shower. It was awful until he joined the Marines! His mother was never there. I feel like he has woman issues and nurturing issues! I think he really needs counseling for him! I feel bad for him but at the same time I know other people that went through same experiences & don't treat others like that. I think the therapy could only do him good! Maybe he is afraid to show real emotions? I don't know. I am not wanting a divorce because he doesn't do housework that would be silly. I want a divorce because he is an ass! HE says mean things. He avoids me, we have not had sex since I got pregnant 5m ago that was only because he wanted to start diving lessons! I kid you not! After we had sex he said now can I take dive lessons? He had been asking for a few weeks and I had told him we needed to check finances first! and before that it was about 6m without it! He is withdrawn from me. He never says bye, love you and it has probably been 2years since we last kissed besides the peck on the cheek every blue moon! He is very rude, selfish, inconsiderate, and self absorbed! The only time he even has a conversation with me is when he wants something! He gets off work around 12am I am usually laying down when he gets home so he has all the time in the world to do his thing! I walk on egg shells and I am tired! This marriage is exhausting!
You should go yourself. The support will really help you while you get a game plan for what you are going to do. Your husband sounds like a sadistic emotional abuser who knows exactly what to say to upset you and enjoys doing it. I am glad that you are considering getting out. You are young and have too much life ahead of you to put up with this.
N.,
I'm sorry.
YOU go. Go yourself. It will help to have someone listen and teach you how to best deal with your husband.
Good luck!
You can't control what people do think or say N.... If he doesn't want to go to therapy, go by yourself. Your choice about what to do will become clear. If you're taking care of yourself, you'll be taking care of your kids too. Whether you stay or go, therapy is a good thing to do.
Good luck~
I agree 100% with Cheryl, I couldnt have said it better. I will add only that i think you should go to therapy/counseling for youself!!! I think you should set the example for your wonderful children that love, honesty, trust, respect, communication and caring is a normal marraige/relationship. you are not failing them, you are showing them they deserve to be treated with love and respect, just like you do!!! I'll pray for you girl!!!
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go yourself to the therapist try to help you make the right decision, as well as see if there is anything else you might be able to do to help reconcile
Also I reccommend the book by Dr. Kevin Leman called "7 things He'll Never Tell you , but you need to know." - totally opened my eyes to the HUGE difference in how guys and women think about things and life in general, expecially in the marriage relationship.
N., go on your own. It will be good for you to purge all of this with someone.
He is in denial.. It is a shame, but, you cannot force him..
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected. Your children need to see that their mom is strong and stands up for herself and tried everything to work on her marriage.
They will see for themselves as they grow older, their father did not admit his part in the marriage not being successful and would not go to get help, even though their mom really wanted to work on it.
I am sending you strength.
I will tell you statistically that therapy does not save marriages. If your husband did go, but felt like he was forced to do it, he would not be going with his heart in it. He would probably be dismissive, rude and argumentative.
I would also look at how you are asking for help. Do you stay home with you kids or do you also work FT. Give your husband some downtime when he walks in the door everynight. Let him have 30 minutes to read a magazine, sit on the toilet (that's what mine does) or whatever. He may be calling your bluff, but to me it sounds like you may calling his too.
My husband also hates to communicate and talk about the tough stuff. There are numerous times that something bothered me and I would try to talk about it, he got defensive and I would eventually turn into a B**CH. I have really honed in on how I am behaving which has helped us both turn a corner. I wouldn't call it quits just yet, unless there is a lot more to the story. If he is just lazy about housework, well there could be worse things. Also, I would back off on the talks maybe. For awhile I felt the need to have a discussion about everything, now I'll sit on it for a day and if it still bothers me, then mention it. Don;t get hung-up on the fact that he is refusing therapy, most guys do. It's not in their genetics to seek therapy to talk about their problems, that is not how men work.
He sounds like my ex a bit. My ex husband accused our therapist of being biased because she was a female, then we got a male that also said the same thing and he said he was a quack... but oh no, nothing was wrong with him lol. I honestly think you need to evaluate whether you can handle him the way he is or not. He won't change by your description of him. He grew up in a bad situation and trust me, the Marines didn't make it better in boot camp. They teach you to shut off your emotions and be hard, which is effective in Iraq, etc but not so much if you take it into a marriage. The Marines sounded like they did a lot of good in many other areas, they teach you some awesome stuff, but not emotions lol. Honestly, you may not want to hear it but it sounds like he could be emotionally checked out and just knowing Marine coworkers he may be cheating, that's usually how they acted when they were... just saying.
But you do need to do a pro/con list and figure out if you can handle him now because growing up like that it is in his personality, he isn't going to change unless he really wants to and he sounds like he is in denial about his behavior. If he is mean then I understand why you wouldn't want to be treated like that or have the kids treated like that.
I know you can involuntarily hold him, but I wouldn't. I did do that when my ex husband was acting stupid and they sent him to a weekend treatment. Girlie I never heard the end of it. I was a b*t** that betrayed him and wasn't on his side and blah blah. It made things 5 times worse because all of a sudden it was him vs me. Plus you said he won't go to therapy b/c he doesn't want medication, so if they put him on some which sounds like he needs some or some therapy to deal with his childhood he will be resentful for that to and probably give you hell about it.
Check out www.createagreatlife.org It will change your lives. Good luck! Just remember... its really scary to face things that are painful in our pasts. He probably does not want to look at these things in the face. Try to get him to commit to "The Weekend" only 2 nights 3 days.... it WILL make a difference... In his life and your marriage.
Read what you have written. What would you tell someone if they had asked you the same question? You are responsible for your own happiness. If people around you aren't making you happy, it is your responsibility to change the situation. You can't make him change, only choose to accept (or not) the person he is. Marriage is a 2-way street. Each person has to be willing to try. We are a Marine family. I DON'T suggest you go to his CO about personal problems. I can't imagine how angry your husband would be if you told his boss what a jerk he is. He can't force him to counseling anymore than you can. Unless something affects his job, it should stay between you two (and a counselor).
