My Husband Is Making Me Confront My Fear - HELP!!!

V. Rae:

Justin should NOT be teaching you this. You need a professional driving instructor to walk you through your fears and TEACH you how to drive and handle situations.

The only getting out of it? Don't drive. People who lack confidence behind the wheel do "stupid" things - like driving too slow (25 in a 45) or 50 in the left lane of the freeway....

A professional driving instructor is NOT personally involved with you. Justin is personally involved and it will cause a fight as he pushes you to do something you don't have the confidence to do.

Good luck!

have you ever considered an actual driving program?

I would sign up with a professional driving school to gain some confidence rather than being thrown into the deep end of the pool.

Your husband has good intentions. He wants you to be more independent and he may be thinking about the possibility that if he wasn't around to drive you, what would you do? As hard as it might be to think about, you have to consider that. If something happened to him where he was incapacitated, or worse, you need to be able to handle this for yourself and your kids. And you don't want to be passing your fears and insecurities onto your children. Please consider all of that and make it a priority to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I strongly suggest that you take driving lessons.

Yes, you know how to drive -- the mechanics. But you need someone who is NOT your husband to work with you on your reactions. Doing this with your husband is going to create some problems between you, I think, especially as petrified as you are. I think that his giving you a do-or-die ultimatum is not a good sign; he must be really frustrated with this, and I fear it's almost setting you up to be so nervous you'll do something wrong --whether it's really wrong, or just something that scares you for a second, you'll remain freaked out. I also hope he doesn't think that ONE outing forcing you to do this will break your fear forever -- it doesn't work like that!

But you do need to work on this fear. I do get why he wants to do this -- frankly it's more than an inconvenience for him; what would you do, for instance, if you were with a friend (or him) and your driver had a medical emergency, and only you could drive that person to help? What would you do if your child needed to be rushed to a hospital and an ambulance wasn't an option? Less dramatically, what will happen in years to come when your child is older and needs to be hauled outside your comfort zone to play in sports, or participate in Scouts, or do anything at all? Your husband can't do it every time and you can't say, "Sorry, child, you can only do activities within this circle of X miles."

I really suggest you talk to some driving schools about instruction for adults who do know how to drive but have fear of driving on larger roads, in urban areas, etc. I bet some schools have dealt with this before.

If the fear is really paralyzing, you should seriously consider seeing a therapst for a few weeks or months (it won't take forever, really) to work just on this one phobia. It could make the difference between having a successful business and failing fast because you have to turn down work; between having a husband who feels confident you can do this, and a husband who increasingly resents having to haul you and your child around, especially as your child does more activities; and having confidence yourself that you can handle an emergency, and being terrified that if something happens you are not able to help anyone, including your family, if driving outside your "zone" is needed.

I'm scared of heights. I don't know why. I just am.

When I went into the US Army, members of the 82nd Airborne Division came to our class and told us they needed paratroopers to meet readiness demands. My family has been military since the Revolutionary War. No cowards fleeing to Canada or otherwise dodging the draft. When they said America needed paratroopers, my hand went up even though I'm scared of heights.

I became a paratrooper. I went through their exceptionally good training and learned to CONTROL my fear of heights.

Controlling your fear is what you need learn to do. You will learn to do this by practicing. My wife doesn't like driving the crowded freeways of Southern California. She has learned to control her fear. She is just lucky I love to drive and I love to do things for her. So I drive the freeways, but every now and then I need to have her drive because I get sleepy. So she drives.

Practice and you will learn to control your fears. Then you will have a new freedom with nothing to hold you back. AND be sure to thank your husband for loving you enough to "make" you do this.

Good luck to you and yours.

I was involved in a huge car accident 11 years ago. My son was on life support for 3 weeks and recovery for 3, I got 57 stitches in my face and spent a week in the hospital. It was brutal and awful.
I didn't drive for a year.
I do not live in a small town,so not driving ment that we took the bus. Everywhere. I wouldn't even let my husband drive me anywhere.
I truly was terrified. BUT....I needed to drive! I got a job and the only way to get there was in a car. I was a nervous wreck...NERVOUS! OMG, I still remember shaking.
But I did it.
I don't exactly know how I feel about your husband's way of doing things though. While I understand where he is coming from, forcing someone to do something they don't want to is probably not the answer.
This has to be something YOU want to do. If you are forced you will make more mistakes. If you WANT to learn you are more apt to not.
Really sit down and talk with him about your fears. They are real! Let him know that you DO want to drive, but him forcing you is giving you anxiety. I see his point too though. Don't make an appointment in the city if you can't get yourself there!
L. (And I have been driving for 10 years now and STILL cry when I drive by an accident or see one happening. But I haven't been in one myself since I started driving again.)

Confronting a fear is not something you do all at once and are over it. It takes baby steps to gradually challenge yourself and feel a little fear, but not so much that you get all of your fear symptoms to the degree that you are a danger on the roads. I would discuss it with him and have you start slowly. Maybe drive a certain amount of time on this trip, or to a slightly challenging area. Then switch to have him drive the rest of the way. Then go a little further the next time. I love the idea of trying something challenging when the traffic isn't as bad too. That might help and be another factor in your recovery plans. You can do this! It will take time and it's not something you should just "get over" by throwing yourself into it. Good luck!

I have generalized anxiety and one of my big things is getting trapped in traffic, at lights, traffic jams, heavy traffic, etc...so I really had to work on this.

I know you can do this. You need to go online now and get a map. Look at the streets to the horse show in detail. Find a route that you are comfortable with, not the big 4 lane highways unless there aren't any other roads but take a look at them and see if there is a smaller state highway that would be more comfortable for you.

When I went to collate at OSU in Stillwater Ok I would drive down 177 towards Perkins OK but take highway highway 33 to Guthrie OK where I would get on I-35 until I got to north OKC. It was a nice pleasant drive with very little interstate driving. If I took 51 to I-35 it was flat and boring and 4 lane divided highway all the way. Then I was on I-35 for almost an hour into OKC and it was almost always heavy traffic once you go to Guthrie.

So I took an alternate route that "I" was comfortable with.

Your hubby needs to understand you don't need to do this cold turkey. You need to plan this out, mentally be ready, and do it your way. I drive early early in the morning or super late at night, like after midnight, when I do long drives and I never do it without an adult awake in the car with me. Just my preference.

You will do fine, just take a look at the maps, plan where you can pull off if you get frustrated or flustered. Look for convenience stores, small roads, little towns, any place where you can count off the miles until the next easy place to pull off. This will give you an escape route, it will make a huge difference.

When we drove to Billings Montana I had a stop that "I" could go to about every 12-15 miles. I would tell myself if I had a panic attack I only had to stay on the road 4-5 minutes and I could have a safe place to pull over then.

Planning this trip in advance and having all sorts of places planned where you can get off the road safely is going to make a huge huge difference.

I think you could benefit from some driving lessons from a trained, experienced, and (most importantly) NEUTRAL instructor. There is too much between you and your husband, and the pressure is getting in the way of your learning.

The second thing is, this seems to be an anxiety issue stemming from your first horrible experience. I think you could benefit from some professional advice in confronting this. All of us have had close calls while driving or while doing other things - but in your case, it's completely paralyzing. It's affecting your life, and so it's gone beyond the "annoying" phase and now it's a full-blown stressor.

Having your husband FORCE you into it is just increasing the anxiety and fear. I don't think he's the one to push you past this.

Never take the counsel of your fears. Your fears are not the same as your common sense. Just because you had one near-accident long ago doesn't mean you'll have an accident every time you're behind the wheel. You're older and smarter now.

Think of this excursion as modeling courage for your son. Even if he's too small to appreciate it yet.

I believe it was Mark Twain who wrote that he had lived through many terrifying experiences, most of which never happened.

You know how to drive the car. Ask you husband to let you take this trip in stages, and plan the stages out together. So far toward the horse expo, and then stop for a bit. Then go another stage, and stop for a bit. Ask him to *encourage* you when you get to the end of each stage. If you have to talk out loud to yourself to keep yourself in focus ("I check my speed, I slow down, I stop at the stop sign"), do it. Sounds as if it's the focus you want to practice. That's a challenge for all of us when we drive.

The major principle of driving is "no surprises." When you know the rules of the road and how to make use of them, you're not surprising any other driver by what you do. MOST people drive that way. Most people drive from place to place safely, even in big cities; they're just not the ones you hear about.

If you get through this experience - and I believe you will - you might check into some driving lessons given by a professional teacher. Fears are a very common reason to take driving instruction.

I think you're going to thank your husband when this challenge is conquered!

This is a real phobia, and you have a lot of anxiety.
A professional driving instructor won't help but a professional therapist will!
Anxiety disorders are no different than medical conditions. If you have a toothache you go to the dentist to be treated. You see a doctor when you don't feel well. This is no different. You have an uncontrollable fear that is affecting your life, you need help.
My ex SIL had the exact same thing. It actually got worse over time, to the point where she wouldn't drive at ALL. She refused to get help. It put a huge strain on her family and marriage. Her kids couldn't do sports or any other activities because she couldn't drive them anywhere (my BIL was working of course.) I don't know if she ever got help because they ended up divorced.
Please think about it. My daughter's therapist helped her deal with her anxiety and it has made her so much more happy and relaxed. She still has her phobia (a fear of germs and getting sick) but it no longer controls her, SHE CONTROLS IT.

Can you re-take a drivers Ed course? Or defensive driving? I think going online to take a defensive driving course would be excellent for you, and give you more education that will boost your confidence!

I think that I'd work with a real driving instuctor first, rather than let your husband be your "driving instructor". Surely you'd feel less stressed with someone who you aren't married to calmly working with you?

I'd miss the horse expo before I'd let my husband be my city-driving instructor, I gotta say. Especially since it has been such a long time since you've done it. You'll be a nervous wreck by the time you get there...

Good luck!

You'll be fine!
Just take it easy - there is no rush - and take a break when you feel you need it.
I think of it as exploring.
When ever I go someplace new I leave myself some 'getting lost' time.
After I've been there once I always know how to get there again with no problems.
I've driven long distance (7 or 8 hrs) by myself to places I've never been before.
What's really fun is going to a renaissance fair - in costume - and stopping at a 7-11 on the way.
If you have multiple lanes, keep to the right and let traffic go around you.
Leave plenty of space between cars.
If you fear passing tractor trailers then stay behind them (not too close).
Once you start, keep finding little local trips to take around your immediate area till your 'comfort zone' is your whole county.
And then you can branch out to taking week end trips.
You just have to keep practicing and before you know it you won't even remember you ever had difficulty with it.

Congrats. This will open your world.

Don't feel pressured by the way others are driving, take your time, leave that amount of space you feel comfortable with, and if need be drive with your hazards on the whole time.

Take small bites (say drive for a half an hour in conditions which feel beyond your comfort zone), then take a break, and do another 1/2 an hour). Maybe on the return, do 20 minutes, if you aren't too frazzled.
Schedule to do another run each weekend, and increase your time behind the wheel.
With practice, you will get better, and you more confident.

Best to you and yours,
F. B.

Not sure if your husband is reasonable but I would tell him that you want
to learn to drive but this isn't the right way.

If it were my I would say, "I really want to get a handle on driving, I may
drive part of the way (30 mins on the easy stretch) on the way there &
same on the way back but then I think I'll sign up for a drivers training
course after we get back.".

I definitely do recommend you take a course w/a certified trainer. Not only will you feel more confident but it will be easier to learn than from
someone you know.

I do agree, diriving gives you freedom & opens up your world!

Take it easy and start slowly. Try driving through some of the suburban neighborhoods. The rules are all the same. Right-of-way. Pay attention. Take your time and obey the limit.

You don't have to go straight from country driving to heavy trafffic in the city driving. Have you thought about trying it in the middle of the night when the traffic isn't so nutty? Then you can see the weird stuff (one-way streets, etc) and know what to do. I am an excellent driver myself, but tend to get a little anxious when traffic is bad and I don't know the area. Once you know the roads, you'll feel more confident, even in bad traffic.

Also, study the route before you go. Get on Google Maps and be sure you know where you're going, start to finish. Don't ONLY rely on a GPS, because city streets are sometimes weird. They have odd turns or switchbacks. You'll feel tons better if you know where you're headed and know the turns.

You'll be okay. Have faith.

My personal experience has taught me that the more you force yourself to drive, the less scary it gets.

I also had a fear of driving (my husband drove me EVERYWHERE during my first pregnancy and the first 6 months of our son's life). We'd previously lived in a large city where we didn't need a car, then moved to another city where you needed to drive to get anywhere. I was terrified. I'd had my license for years, but had never really driven on a regular basis (I was 26 at the time). But I realized that I NEEDED to get comfortable driving for my husband's sake and especially my current and future kids' sakes. So I started driving. Everywhere. SO SCARY at first. So I totally understand your fear, I really do.

Fast forward to now, 15 years later. I love driving. To the point of being a control freak. I'd much rather be the driver than the passenger at this point. Freeway driving with crazy East Coast drivers? No problem. Inner city driving with narrow lanes and cars parked everywhere and pedestrians crossing everywhere? Yep, not a problem. Do I still get nervous? Sometimes. But I've learned to have confidence in my abilities.

So it is doable. Keep practicing driving in the cities and facing those fears. You'll be just fine.

Driving is all about experience. You could read every book in the world about driving, but it won't amount to a hill of beans until you get behind the wheel.

You've gotten into a self-perpetuating phobia. Your fear keeps you from driving which keeps you from developing the competence and confidence that you need for driving.

I like the other moms' suggestions about a driving teacher or school.

You might also want to see a developmental optometrist who can evaluate whether your eyes are working properly with regard to peripheral vision, depth perception, etc. That could be another reason why you are fearful (perhaps one of your senses - sight - is not working correctly and you instinctively know that).

Good luck. Chances are this is something that will pass with time and experience. You just need to get in the saddle.

There are online classes for defensive driving. It's all reading, but it's really useful information, and it helps you anticipate and not freeze up. It costs about 25$ and you could do it tonight if you wanted to.

Also, if you have a little bit of money, see if you can take a regular driving class in the city. You will be with someone who can help ease your fear, help you learn to deal etc. This won't work for the weekend, but if you and your husband decide before you go that he will help be your co-pilot and ease your fears, that may help. Remember to breathe. Your fear makes you drive worse.

I grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs. Pretty crowded. The main highway is 95 and my family hates it. I took a driving class to learn because my parents couldn't teach me very well, and THE FIRST DAY I was driving on that main highway - the teacher was my eyes, I was in control. I have no fear on the highway, just normal caution.

You can do it. Picture yourself driving fine. Really see it. You keep seeing the bad times and re-living that. Time to draw a new picture in your head :)

Good luck!

Remember to breath -- big deep breaths. Keep telling yourself 'I'm fine - we are safe' ect. The more you do positive self talk the easier it will be.

You really have to be able to pysch yourself out first. Please don't drive in the city while you are still scared!

But you can do it. I would suggest your husband drive into the city, and let you drive around from there. Honestly, I hate the big city too but I go because that's where the action is. You had the gumption to start a business- go out there and make it happen!

V.,
I understand your fear all too well. We've all made stupid mistakes and yes some of them where driving mistakes. But that is how you learn and move forward.

We lived in the cities for over 10 yrs and I loved it there! It is not that hard once you get used to it. If your nervous one thing that helps me is having a calm navigator. If your husband can help you with what exit to take or where to turn then you've already won half the battle.

The hardest thing for me was going downtown Mpls solo. You have to be able to read all the signs, and drive at the same time and many times I ended up making wrong turns or I would go around the block a couple times. :) It happens and it's no big deal.

So if your husband is patient and calm and can help navigate when you need the help you will do just fine. And the more you drive in the cities the more familiar you'll be and it won't be as scary each time you drive.

HTH!

ETA:
If your husband is the type that yells, OMG watch out for that car!!! Then that would perpetuate your fears all the more. Speaking from experience here :)

Maybe you should consider driving lessons with a trained instructor...I know my husband is not always the best person to teach me something . Our daughter is the one that finally taught me how to use the computer.. She was 5 at the time....

My husband is not great at instructions and I become frustrated by him repeating the same thing over and over, louder and louder..

I know exactly how you feel!

I don't drive AT ALL. I have panic attacks.

Every time I've gotten behind the wheel in the past, I've had accidents. I'm now terrified to even try because I'd have kids with me!

I can even walk my daughter to and from school. I actually really like being able to. It gets me out of the house and give me some exercise. But now, she may have been accepted to an accelerated school program at another school (she's just been tested). She'll be bused there and back, but if she gets sick while there no one could go get her. I can't deny her this opportunity just because I'm a big chicken.

I'll HAVE to learn to drive this summer if she's accepted to this program...I'm so scared. My husband's also told me that if she's accepted and if I learn by this July, I can go to a My Little Pony convention that's going to be in Indianapolis that month. He promised that he wouldn't make me drive in the city, thank God, but I'll have to get us to a specific gas station just outside and he'll take over.

I can do this! I will do this, for her and for myself. I can't keep limiting myself like this, it's not healthy.

You can do it too! Is he willing to ride with you? It might help. Go V.! Go! *pom-poms and all that jazz*

When your scared it can be worse and with your husband......

I agree, ease into it and apply for a driving school. Let us know how it went.

I was just like you but with driving in general. I would get behind the wheel and just tremble. I actually waited until I was in my mid 20s to get my license because I was so freakin scared. Now that I have my license and I drive almost daily I am so much better. I think you should allow your Husband to help you through this fear but maybe on both your terms. By that I mean tell him the routes you 'refuse' to take and then have him drive them so you can get familiar with the route, street signs, rules etc and then when YOU are ready get behind the wheel and drive it yourself. Or instead of taking the route(s) that he expects you to drive right off the bat start with something a little out of your comfort zone as opposed to starting you on what you see as a Nascar track
Good Luck

I've been there. I didn't learn to drive until I was 29, and although I lived in a metropolitan area with lots of public transport, the truth is I was also nervous. I second the suggestion to take some lessons. My drivers Ed teacher was very reassuring. He had lots of experience with nervous drivers and older learners, and he had a car with a brake on his side, so I felt safer. And then, yes, experience is the only way to really gain confidence. The crazy thing is, my husband still doesn't drive, so I was forced to get over my fears fast if we wanted to go anywhere. And what I find now is that I am still a nervous passenger, but not a nervous driver, because I like being in control. And btw, I was so nervous at first I thought about doing hypnotherapy to overcome my terror.

Be confident. Tell yourself you can do this. Pull over to a safe place if you feel you need to regroup. I was in a 3 car accident (no fatalities, other than my car) and it took me a while to be confident enough to drive in the rain, but I had to, and I just took it slow and steady.

My mom had to learn to drive major highways when my sister and I moved outside major metro areas. For a long time, I'd meet her just past the bridge and drive her here, then she followed me and now she drives herself. I'm hugely proud of her and sis and I are happy that our chosen locations hasn't kept Mom from visiting and being a grandma. And her coming to me in the summer means I'm not fighting beach traffic (her travel is easier as she's coming/going the opposite of everybody else).

One thing you can do is pick a time for departure that is not "rush hour" even if it gets you there way too early (stop for a meal or something to celebrate).

I don't want you to get out of it. I want you to succeed! But tell him you may need a break, or you may need him to take over. But for him, he needs to be your calm, needs to ask if you truly need to pull over and switch or just pull over and get a potty break or if he can do something else calming for you.

You can do this! Print this out and put it somewhere you can see it.

http://www.wallart4u2.com/product-images/AMACAARQ-P704230...

ETA: However, if you feel that your DH is not the right teacher, I do agree to compromise and find an instructor. They are neutral and you won't have to make anybody sleep on the couch after a bad day. And driving instruction cars have a spare brake.

Invest in some driving lessons upon your return. (and yes you will return) These will make you feel more comfortable while in control of the wheel. You don't have enough positive experiences to boost your confidence. Do the trip, take your time, and try to relax.

Good luck!

Just drive maybe see if you drive there maybe he can drive home but I say just do it n have an adult beverage when you get home if your of age

My mother was much the same way. She didn't learn to drive until she had two kids and thought that two kids on a bus was too much. Even learning to ride a bike, she said every time she saw a pothole, instead of avoiding it, she would turn right into it. It took her a few years, but eventually she became proficient enough to drive even in large cities (although she prefers not to).

If you are having anxiety attacks trying to drive, talk to a therapist. This is not an uncommon fear and there are ways to deal with it.

Your husband is right in that you just need to be scared doing it and eventually you will be slightly less scared. I grew up in a small town and never had to even drive next to semi trucks. Well, I got married to a military man and he moved me from my hometown to a slightly larger town and believe me, I was freaking out when I was on the highway/interstates. 2 years later he got new orders to a HUGE town. By the end of living there, I refused to drive, because of so many carless drivers.

I allowed my fear to dictate what I could and could not do. I look back on it now and realize that while I could have been in many many wrecks, I shouldn't have let driving in huge amounts of traffic limit where I wanted to go.

After the huge town, we got stationed on an isolated island and I rarely ever had to go through stop lights, so once we got orders back to the mainland, I had a hard time paying attention to stop lights. lol

Between the large city and the isolated island, I lived 1 yr with my inlaws in a small area and had to learn how to drive stick, because that was the kind of vehicle needed for the isolated island (icy roads). I can tell you that for 2 to 3 months I cried for the most part, because I would always get stopped on a hill and have to NOT hit the person behind me. A few times I had to wave them around me, because I could not handle it. But eventually I learned. I now need to start pretending I am in a large town and need to shift gears quickly on the off chance our next location is huge again.

You can do it! Once you get used to driving a new route, you will not be as scared.

Sorry to hear this is such a source of anxiety. I would encourage you to seek some counseling from a therapist who deals with phobias. Tell your husband that you are going to try to do it today but if your anxiety levels skyrocket to the point where you will be an unsafe driver, then tell him your plan to find a therapist to help.

I feel your pain. I do not drive a lot where I do not know where I am. I do not drive into the city. It scars me!! I am a one road type of girl. Good luck!

I grew up in a similar situation and have the same phobia. You have gotten some really good responses to this question. To deal with it a little at a time not all at once. It is a real medical condition "anxiety". Breathing does help relax you and gives your brain oxygen. I now drive in the cities but still have some anxiety when I have to drive in the heart of down town St. Paul and Minneapolis. Good luck.

You can do it!!!!

:) :) :) :)

I understand it completely! I am the same way. In traffic I hyperventalate and have panic attacks and I don't even have to be driving! I use to drive on icy roads but since I gotten older, I panic on those too. I have had to face fears in the past and find that when I do, it isn't as bad as I imagined it to be and I do ok. I never have driven in the twin cities though. Good luck and I hope that when you do it, you find that the fear was worse then actually driving in the city. One thing I do is keep a angel hanging on my rearview mirror and when I get nervous while driving, I touch the angel and feel a little more relaxed being reminded that God is with me.