Hi all. I have a wonderful husband, but he is seriously addicted to video games. This has been a big thorn in my side for the last six years. From the minute he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep he is playing. He has admitted that he has a problem, but frankly he doesn't seem to care. I came from divorced parents and I really don't want my kids to experience what I went through. I have taken it upon myself to just try and deal with it. Well, I'm getting to the end of my rope. We have become emotionally disconnected from each other and the only time we seem to interact is when it's about the kids or when I try to do something as a family. I usually get a little resistance from my husband, but I think he might feel guilty and will then do stuff as a family, but he really doesn't seem to enjoy it. In fact, he doesn't really seem to enjoy being a father or a husband. At least this is how I am perceiving him. I have told him this many times how I view him, but he looks at me like I need to tell him what he needs to be doing to make me happy. I get so jealous when I see other husbands and fathers interacting with their family with joy. I have asked him to get therapy and for him to go to counseling, but he never follows up with it. I on the other hand, may be enabling the behavior because I don't push it everyday. I do however, keep it inside and then blow up! Today was one of those moments. I even told him that if I didn't come from divorced parents and know how crappy it is, I probably would have divorced him years ago. He didn't seem to even care. I know he got mad, but he didn't make any effort to really fight back or make a change. Has anyone else gone through this or something similar with their husbands? I have suggested date nights and family nights, but guess who has to plan it all? ME! Then when it is time to do something it is like "oh yeah, that's tonight?" Yep he is so thrilled to do things with me and the kids. He also claims to always have short term memory. Lovely combination to deal with I tell ya. Lol. Any advice or experience this is greatly appreciated. I don't want to do something drastic and get a divorce, if this can really be dealt with, but I don't want to be the ONE to fix it either. Any advice on how to get him to realize that he needs to particpate other than telling him to do so?
Thank you all for sharing your expereiences and opinions. It was nice to hear that I was not alone in this. I told my husband that I need to have his attention with me and the kids more. I asked for him to plan a date night for us. He will be planning something on his next set of days off. He works nights and works different days each week, so we will see if he remembers. He did however, plan a night out with the family. We originally were going to go bowling, then he thought that we all might be too sore after playing for a couple of hours (the package deal we found). So we ended up at Dave and Busters (a restaraunt and gaming place. ) It wasn't too bad. The kids had a blast. I had a lot of fun playing with the kids and so did my husband. We all had a blast playing Skee (sp) ball. The place was very crowded and my husband was getting irritated at all the people around. Then the bad attitude came out and he seemed to really not be enjoying himself, me or the kids. So we left. On the way home, I was really thinking of his attitude and how he probably needs to get some counseling. Oddly enough we passed by a really fancy countryclub on the way home and he mentioned that we should check it out. I was a little surprised that he remembered that he and I needed to have some 'date' time. When we have our data night - and I will make sure we have one, I am going to lay out everything that I don't like about our marriage, his gaming, involvement with the kids, etc.. I am going to suggest that we need counseling, because there is an underlying issue, his addiction and my resentment of it. I am willing to take baby steps, but going out once in a while is not going to appease me, things really need to change. I haven't had much practice posting and replying so I will try to give another update. Thanks again for all the help! Counseling and being honest in my feelings for myself and my kids is the route I am going to try. :)
my husband loves gaming. He only does it when the kids are in bed, or his group is doing a big, pre-arranged raid that we've been warned about in advance.
Addictions are one of those things, that the addict has to deal with.
You cannot control their addiction
You cannot cure their addiction
It is not your fault.
Taking the system away would not help - and would maybe cause more trouble.
You have to give him an ultimatum, he does not have to stop playing, but if he doesn't you are leaving.
I've been through this with my husband.
He was very addicted and so was his best friend (who had a family too).
No amount of nagging will work.
They have to WANT to change.
My husband has an addictive personality (he used to be addicted to working in the yard. Not as bad but still....
You can't throw away or hide the console. He is not your child.
First you try and to talk to him. To appeal to his common sense and love for you and your kids.
You CAN'T make him quit but you can have calm discussions with him telling him you miss yyour active partner, the man you fell in love with.
Tell him there is a happy medium to anything.
You're not giving an ultimatum.
Honestly, hiding his controllers, console will not only not fix the problem but have an adverse reaction.
You can't control another human being.
All you can hope for is to appeal to his senses in a calm manner.
My husband finally gave up his addiction to his video games when we almost divorced and he not only didn't have the time to play ALL day long because he had to do the cooking, cleaning, picking up the kids, watching them etc.
When he does spend tiime w/you and the kids, use postive reinforcement. Tell him you had a great time and it was fun spending time with everybody.
Hope that he wants to give up his game playing.
Ask him what he might want to do w/you or the family. Hang in there and I wish you luck!
I feel your pain. My husband was like this, only his issue was either work or online news sites. This guy made the 24/7 news cycle a life-long adventure. We had many, many discussions--some calm, so much less so--and I finally had to tell him that his sons would be GROWN UP AND OUT OF THE HOUSE and if he didn't get off his a$$ and away from his computer, he would emerge from his man cave and discover his children and wife were gone...for good. He emerged and now he spends time with us first and foremost, and reads his news sites when all family activities are over. It's nice to have my husband back.
Still, it sounds like you tried this. I'm generally not a fan of ultimatums, but I would create an escape plan. Find where you and the kids are going to live. Adjust your bank accounts, so he has his money and you have yours (if that's possible for your situation). If it were me, I'd explain to my children what I was going to do and why...not that you need their permission but you want them to understand why things are going to get explosive (this may not be age appropriate, so use your best judgment). Then, I would box up the game system, sit him down at the kitchen table with the box in the middle. Explain to him your escape plan, hand him the new bank accounts and tell him he either picks up that box and hands it to you for safe keeping with a solemn vow to focus on you and the family for a period of six months OR he takes the box back to where he plays his games and you and the kids are out the door. HIS CHOICE, but, boy, it'll be a physical one. He must touch the box and show you where his loyalty lies.
He'll likely fuss, deny, swear, yell, blame you, blame the kids, blame the dog, blame climate change--whatever--but ultimately he's got to touch the box. If he walks away without touching the box, you and the kids are gone. You will return when he hands you the box of gaming hell and gives you a solemn vow. If he breaks his vow, serve him divorce papers. I'm the child of 6 divorces and 1 annulment, but I agree that a good divorce is better than a bad marriage...and I lived through 4 of them. Show your children that you and they are worth more than a cheap thrill video game.
That's what I would do. If you decide against this (and I certainly don't blame you), I would continue to lead a full and exciting life with your children and without your husband. Yes, it can be done, but it hurts and it's hard. I would simply tell your husband, in no uncertain terms, that you will not make excuses for him nor will you "cover" for him with your children. As they get older, they'll see him for who and what he is--a lousy husband, a sorry excuse for a father and a shameful example of a man. When my husband emerged from his man cave, my sons let my husband know in no uncertain terms that they were NOT impressed with his choices to date (they were teens at the time). My husband got the message loud and clear.
Good luck, dear mama. This is one lousy situation.
How Old is he?
Is he unemployed or employed?
If employed, how the heck does he find so much time to be gaming, from the moment he wakes up???
Get RID of the game console.
Your Husband's problem is not that he is playing games... BUT THAT, he cannot CONTROL himself, to only certain amounts of time.
It is also, his 'escape' from life.
I am a lil different. I LOVE video games. We got a ps3 in january and I have played it almost everyday. I do see it as time consuming and a bit addicting but I have my 1 and a half yr old to take care of. I play but I do the things I gotta do like cook and clean up shower go to park/store but it's kinda my escape when I'm home, my bf is home to since he was laid off. Maybe your SO sees it as escape way to unwind. Me and my bf fight because of his too he thinks I play too much and he says ever since we got it we figt alot more so he's threathened o selling it and that's made me mad yes but I understand where he's comin from I do turn it off one to time maybe you can have a good long conversation and explain what his addiction is doing to you and your kids kind of an intervention
Tell him it hurts you when you rather be playin games than cuddling with me
Get your kids involved I they can talk
It hurts them I'm pretty sure when he rather play video games then go outside and play ball.
It's hard and will be hard if he can't or doesn't want to change that at all
Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling
I'll stop now. I will also be taking my own advice because I see my video gaming affecting my lil girl
When I play she whines for my attention :( but then I gt the point and tuen it off and tend to her took me a while but I'm getting there
I hope I was at least a bit helpful
Good luck
You can't do anything more then you have. HE is the addict. Your family is the collateral damage. HE has to WANT to change. He does not.
What would I do? Tell him it's the family, or the games. Go to counseling, get RID of the games, or I'm gone. And I would mean it. If he didn't do that, I would be gone. Your are the product of divorce. Your children are the product of an absent parent. What is worse? I'm not so sure your husband is any better. You are dealing with an addict. He cares about HIM. Until he decided to care about YOU, nothing will change. If he does not stop what he is addicted to (games) and go to counseling, your life will always be this way. Your kids will always have a father who lives in the house, but is not really a father.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation. This is exactly why we don't allow video games after age 14. Before 14, they are just flight simulator games and such. Unfortunately, your situation is not unique. Some recent study (Gallop poll? I don't remember) found that men today are not growing up until age 35. Before that they are wasting their lives gaming. *NOTHING* good comes from gaming. It sounds like your husband needs vision. What does he want for his family? I'm not exactly sure what you can do about it. I loved the idea of just getting rid of the stupid gaming system and everything that goes with it. I don't know if that is the right answer, but...
My advice is that you ought to go about life anyway. You are in a situation that you must be both father and mother. Sad. Your husband is wasting his life. Does he think he will look back on his life and regret that he didn't get to level 150? Or whatever. Or, will he regret the YEARS he has wasted? My bet is on the latter. I have no idea what your worldview is. Do you have a church? Is there a man your husband respects who is not a gamer and will have the hard talk with him? He needs accountability. Sorry.
If it's an addiction he needs to see someone about it and find out why he feels he needs it. Games will suck you in (I'm a call of duty fan) but you have to be able to get off after a little bit. If he can't lock the system up. You shouldn't have to force him to spend time with his family, but at first you may have to. Ask him if he would rather have a wife and kids or a PS3/Xbox 360 (whatever he has). You will either have to sell it or lock it up outside of an hour, but he may not get off once he starts playing it so maybe selling it will be the best option. I sold my ex husband's Xbox 360 b/c he would spend all day on it all the time. I love to play some call of duty, but not all day lol so I sold it. He was mad for a few days, but after he started being a part of the family it wasn't brought up again (he is my ex for different reasons), but it doesn't always work out that way and he could be very resentful. Divorce is h*** o* kids, but I would rather (as a child or teen) see a healthy divorce than a bad marriage. You don't want your son/s thinking they should be like that or you daughter/s thinking it's okay for a guy not to care about being with the family.
Unless he sees it as a problem then he won't stop. Maybe get pics together of each year of the kids and maybe he will see they are growing up and he's basically missing their lives. If he claims to have short term memory put a sticky note on the tv. It is like any other addiction, unless he sees something wrong with it and wants to help himself, then nothing will change.
I agree with Bug, it's not like they are seeing any better with him being an absent father. And like I said above they will grow up thinking that is normal and may fall into it or go into a marriage that is similar.
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He's an addict. While it's "just' video games, it's very damaging. The only thing that can make him change is HIM. I would feel frustrated just like you! I mean..it's a VIDEO GAME. It should never come before anyone else. Not that he can't have personal time and choose to spend it playing the video game, but if you feel like he's spending too much time on it, even if he didn't agree (though I don't know how he can disagree), he should still spend less time since it's bothering you...and it's just a game. You should always be more important.
When I first married my hubby, I discovered he was addicted to video games too. He could spend hours upon hours upon hours playing it. It had never been a problem for him before because he wasn't married, didn't have a child, etc...so it was okay if he played that much. But one day it occurred to him what was going on, and he asked me to sell the game console and games. I checked to make sure he really wanted to, and he really did. I would have been fine with a more limited time of playing, but he said that it's too much temptation and he wants it out of the house. So, we did that. We went years without a game console. Then we got the Wii. The Wii is different. Not the same type of pull. And now we have the XBox Kinect, and he's playing more. He's being very disciplined, though. He plays when the kids are in bed and it's more a means of helping him relax. If I want to spend time with him, he doesn't play.
Anyway, point being, it's something he needs to stop. He's going to miss out on life if he doesn't change! One day his kids will be grown up, and all they'll be able to remember is dad playing his games all day? Nice.
Addiction is a rough things. I feel bad that it's so hard for him, but it has to be maddening that he doesn't even seem to care. I think I'd give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't stop playing (you might want to consider he go cold turkey and stop COMPLETELY since he's so addicted), but if he doesn't stop playing, then you are taking the kids and leaving. Or maybe he can leave. I don't know. But something needs to wake him up!
I'm sorry. I hope something ends up working out. I hope he realizes what he's doing.
Get away for the weekend.
You , hubby, no game system, no kids.
It could be his exscape. I'd see if he'd be willing to not play saturday afternoons and take the kids out somewhere to the park, play ball etc. I think once he gets out he'll do better.
It's an addiction so to have the game console in your house is like having a fridge full a booze in an alcoholic's house. Get rid of the dang thing! Playing those things constantly is a waste of time....just think of all the things your hubby could be doing if he wasn't gaming!!!! Life is soooooooooo short!! it is seriously wasting yours and his life away!! and he is missing out on his kids growing up... you should get some counseling but also get rid of the game console. You have to treat it like any other addiction...drugs, alcohol, food, etc. Dont give up on your husband....he needs you and you and your kids need him!!! in sickness and in health
My DH is only "allowed" to play after the girls are in bed. He stay up all night when he is getting ready for the night shift. During the day it is not allowed. He isn't as "addicted" though. I would recommend getting rid of his live abilities. When it is just the game it really isn't as much fun as playing live.
I hate addiction. I don't care what it is. I hate that something other than my wife is controlling me. My wife guides and directs, but doesn't really control me in the strictest meaning of the word. I guess that's one of the reasons I hate the government telling me what I can and cannot do (MUST wear a seat belt. HA!).
Several years ago, in the late 80-'s My kids had a video game consol and a game called Metroid. I really enjoyed that game so much I let it interfere with my life. The ah ha moment for me was when my kids went to bed and I started playing metroid. I had a business meeting the next morning. I was going to play for just a couple of hours and go to bed. I played and played and beat Metroid. I got a little stiff and got up and strtched and happened to look at my watch. It was just after 4 am. I had played all night. I got about 2 hours sleep. After I made it through my meetings and got home, I crashed. I never played Metroid again. I wasn't going to let it control me.
I suggest you have a talk with your husband. Ask him If he wants to be controlled. If he doesn't, then tell him to give up the video games. They are controlling him and running his life.
Good luck to you and yours.
Are you in therapy/marriage counseling? You should be, even if he doesn't follow through.
Sell the game system.
Leave on a temporary (or maybe not) basis. See how he deals.
Start playing games with him, as a family (not ideal, but desperate times....)
He is not ready to grow up, and he escapes the real world this way. Time to man up and face reality! His reality might be his family leaving for a while...
It sounds to me as if you have already tried talking, yelling, crying, begging. I sure hope a counselor can help you come up with some other ideas.
as hard as it must be to accomplish this... I would take the game system away and face to fight when he finds out. Tell him that your saving the marriage and if he is unwilling to save the marriage, you will give it back and move out with the kids. I think when it comes to any addiction of any kind, some pretty drastic measures need to take place to help them out of it. I would research some places he can go and gather information as much as you can, plan to find or talk to people from these places and get a game plan . Have all your info, your facility for help or a counslor all set up prior to taking the game system away. I would not be dealing with this past a week.......... game systems are extremely limited in our house-hold for this very reason .
You need to get tough on him. If you can't MAKE him stop this, you should divorce him. I know it sounds primitive and unrealistic, but you can MAKE him stop this at times, and if he cannot stand it or deal with it, then it will blow up on it's own.
For example. My husband does NOT have a drinking problem. He has never in any way shape or form done anything out of line as a result of drinking for the 11 years I've known him. BUT, he travels and has a very social job (musician). He's an "easy going relaxed social type". When he's not on the road working, he has "nothing to do" and I swear to god, left to his own devices, every day would be Super Bowl Sunday, sweats and TV and beer in the afternoon. If he's home for one week, or for 3 months, he would relax, watch TV, do the bare minimum with the kids and drink every day-not enough to matter, but a bottle of wine per day plus beer other days plus nights out with the boys adds up to hundreds of $s per month, and it's not in our budget. Plus he's just bored and is perfectly happy not drinking when he's busy.
So. When he's home, I make him lists of things to do each day. I make him schedules. I send him out on errands and fun things with the kids. I take away privileges and offer incentives to him and follow thru like he's a kid. I give him $100 to spend on alcohol each month. (I handle our money). If he had a video game habit, I kid you not, I would unplug and hide the games until his list was completed. He actually likes me to do this for him, and feels a sense of accomplishment for doing the stuff and the kids think he's the funnest dad ever. They have no idea he didn't WANT to take them to the library an the park. He had fun once they were out. (all those men you see out interacting with their kids? Their wives may have sent them out with brute force)
Sure, I get miffed that he's not naturally driven to accomplish lots of stuff and do hands on kid stuff all the time. Sure I wish he wouldn't set the example of laziness to the kids-which is why I keep him busy.
But you know what? He gladly does all the things I tell him, he has fun doing the stuff once he's doing it, and he does work hard when he's gone, and he does pay all of our bills. So it's a compromise.
If he refused to do things, and had a bad attitude, (and he has shown these symptoms before and I have called him on it and showed him the door more than once which made him shape up each time) then I would leave him and he knows it.
You should force him to put away the games and do stuff, and if you can't and he won't you should probably move on. This is not a good role model for your kids. He is not appreciating you and it's not fair to anyone. He probably feels like a victim, and you can offer to relieve him of his "family curse" and let his video games keep him company when he's a lonely old man.
