My Husband Help or Lack Thereof in the Household

Whenever my husband starts slacking off about helping me or we have a fight about it (I am also 9 months pregnant, but this is regardless of pregnancy) -I remind him that I can easily go back to work full time, and then EVERYTHING will be split 50-50 -childcare, housework, cooking, laundry,dropping the kids off for preschool, grocery shopping, etc. He's actually good most of the time, but bringing up that point really puts it all into perspective for him!

C.,

Let me let you in on a little truth about men and life in general. "The man will take two jobs outside the home before he will ever happily work inside the home". Men, since the very beginning of time were hunters and gathers. Not cleaners and straighteners. Sound SEXIST! YOU BET! When today's women realize that they are not men and men are not women. . . your lives will change. Ever been to a man's house who lives by himself? (without maid service) There is not a bathroom there you would want to enter let alone sit down in. To take that one step further or half man/half women -gay men- it gets a little cleaner and more decorated and kept nice. This is not a mishap.

We are made and wired in a certain way and in that we behave in a certain way. If you asked most new mothers they would say I want to stay home and be with my new child. Most men would say thank God my baby vacation time is up and I can get back to "hunting and gathering" AKA their job in today's civilazation. Don't fight million of years of mankind!

You are welcome to get upset and pitch a fit, argue about his lack of cleaning, argue about his lack of watching the child, stay mad about your feeling overwhelmed, stew about his not helping as much as you need him too, let your mind play over and over how you are the victim of his lazy ways, become overrot with the upcoming doom with the new baby and his lack of help, talk to your friends about how bad it is and so on or you can just realize what most of us older and wiser women already know for a FACT ABOUT MEN...The less you do -the LESS THEY DO and the MORE YOU DO ---the LESS THEY DO!

YOU want a nice clean living room with vacuumed floors and all trash picked up and the room straightened and the dusting done----HE WANTS TO COME HOME AND RELAX AND HIBERNATE FOR A WHILE BEFORE HE HAS HIS NEXT ACTIVITY HIT HIM (BEFORE HIS NEXT JOB AND THE NEW BABY!)

YOU want the kitchen to be clean, the dishwasher emptied and loaded, the sink bleached out,the counters wiped down, and the floors mopped. HE WANTS A GOOD MEAL and some quite time.

YOU want the bed made with fresh sheets, the floors vacuumed, the clothes put away, and the room duster and trash taken out. He wants to have sex and call it a day!

You want the yard cut, the new fall color plants put in the ground, the hedges trimed back and the fertilizer put out. He wants to go play golf or go to THE GAME!

There is a reason that GOD looked down at ADAM and said, "IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE"! And so he sent us! With a rib from man, we have a very tiny part of man in us (the time when we throw caution to the wind and go have a girls night out --that is the rib talking!) For the most part God made us to different and to be that help mate that man so dearly needs. So what are we to do.

We can make ourselves miserable expecting our men to be a second us or WOMAN,,, but that will only frustrate them (they can not be a women in their minds or thoughts) or we can "B I T _ _" for the rest of their lives and in-turn ruin our families and ourselves or there is another way. Be smart and realize that men and women are different. Now that does not exclude them from taking part in being a member of the households of America. But is does take aWISE and SMART women to know how to get this DONE! IT is not my critizing and arguing. Yes he may for a day but then the next day you have to do it all over again. You, C., need to change his mind not his activity.

BE REALISTICS WITH REALISTIC EXPENCATIONS! First, as a bookeeper, I know you are all about the details! Not only does the check book have to be done but you will stay up for hours looking for that dime that your account is off! I am married to an accountant type(they tend to be born in the later months of the year-September and thru October tend to produce 75 percant of all accountants, bankers, financial officers and planners, and so on. You can't help the way you were born but I say this to say you are more prone to wanting to have EVERTYHING just perfect!

So to save your sanity, first realize that you can either have a wonderful time with the new baby and dirty dishes or you can have a stressed time with the new baby and NO dirty dishes in the sink! You can enjoy some bonding time with you, your husband, and the new baby or you can have a vacuumed living room each day after you fight with the hubby about his lack of help and also have a stressed baby!

Not what you wanted to hear? I did not want to hear it either but once I realized there were only 12 solid hours in the day and my new baby was about to take up about half of those hours I have to be honest with myslef and realixe that something was going to HAVE TO GIVE or GIVE UP when the baby got here! Babies grow up WAY TOO FAST and I was worrying about a perfect house and not enjoying their babyhood. I STOPPED and realized that for a time, my house would not be on the cover of PERFECT FAMILIES AND HOMES magazine. It also helped that I found a small poem in a store with a baby crib on it that read;

CLEANING AND SCRUBBING CAN WAIT TILL TOMORROW...
FOR BABIES GROW UP WE'VE LEARNED TO OUR SORROW..
SO QUIET DOWN COBWEBS ... DUST GO TO SLEEP
I'M ROCKING MY BABY ...AND BABIES DON'T KEEP!
I wish now that I could have one more cold afternoon with my baby wrapped in soft warm blankets, nuzzled at my breast, as I TENDERLY WATCHED THEIR EVERY BREATH AND THEIR SOTF LITTLE EYES GAZE UP AT ME!

In other words, I learned that continuing to beg for help only frustrated my husband, me, the other children in the house and the new baby. I learned that I would rather have a calm baby and home and be happy myself in a 50% clean home with out stress in the marital relationship THAN have a crying baby and be constantly mad at my husband for not being a wonderman that could work all day at two jobs and then come home and read my mind and finish or do everything that I could not finish or do all day at my job _BEING A MOTHER but have a 100% clean home!

But what about the need to feel like it is done! Try these survival methods.

1. HIRE A Mother's Helper.

A MH is a young girl in the neighborhood that is not quite ready to be a baby sitter but still wants to make some money and be in training to babysit. I am sure you could think about some girls right now if you had the time! Call their mothers and talk to them about their daughter's being your Mother's Helper before the baby is born. have them come over and become fimilar with your routine and you. My daughters had quite a successful Mother's Helpers business when they were 10-12 years old. What do they do. They would go over to the families house for 2-3 hours and clean up the kitchen, or watch the other children so new Mom and Baby could get a bath and shower and feel like a live body again, or take the older child on a walk(bug gathering for boys -flower picking for girls) so new Mom could talk on the phone to dear freinds (without inturruptions) or her mom or doctor, set the table for dinner and make a salad, clean up the bedrooms and change the sheets and so on.

The new mother got the help for a couple hours each week and the mother's helper was now getting experience for her future babysitting days. It may take 2 or 3 times before you find the right girl for the job. Most of the time the MH's just want to HOLD that new baby. So let them while you get your bath or read a book or take a nap! You pay them less than the regular babysitters because you are still there in the house but make sure the money is enough in your area for them to be able to go to the store and buy something. I used a HM for about 2 years every other week. I loved the ability to get my shower and a quiet hour to read or sleep knowing my children were in the house and when I got up the dishwasher was emptied and the table was set for dinner. My husband always knew when the MH was there that day because I was in a better frame of mind, more relaxed, clean and not in PJ's and the meal was ready when he came home or at least the talbe was set. In past years, our families were closer and they helped but now days new moms use a MH.

2. Ask for One TASK FROM HIM!

Ask for help and then PRAISE PRAISE PRASIE him! Yes, it seems like they should do it on their own BUT THEY DONT" so don't waste your life waiting for them to be women! YOU MARRIED A MAN NOT A WOMAN-THAT WAS YOUR CHIOCE! Have a specific job that you require of him and then say and ask in a quite loving moment, "Honey, I can not do it all and I need your help. Will you be in charge of the dishes each night so I can put the baby down and get the little one's homework done and them off to bed so we can have some US time? He will not be good at it at first but when he see the difference it makes in you he will get on board. Once he see that it does affect HIM he will move closer to where you want him to be. Be sure to use the words "NEED and Take Charge" Words like this to men are words like beautiful and loving to us! Men are MEN not women. How will this make my life better is how they operate. If they see a calmer and happier you by spending time doing the dishes each night then they will get the point happy wife= happy me!

3. Give him 30 minutes when he gets home to DO NOTHING! I mean nothing! NO TALKING, NO ASKING, NO WORKING, NO ARGUING, NO NOTHING! This will be hard but it will provide him with the ability to unwind his mind, catch a breath, revie himself for the upcoming family needs, and let him feel like he still matters in you life. Tell him you are going to do this and say when he walks in, "Hello honey welcome home the time is on and you go enjoy your thirty minutes! He will be astounded as first but thenyou will notice that he will help more because he will feel appreciated and he will acturally be ready to be a husdanb and father. youknow how you feel after a vacation-rested relaxed and ready to take on the world. After his 30 minutes of peace you get to take 30 minutes so you can unwind from your day! If you don't do for each other....life with two kids will be doable but not too much fun. There is a reason some families seem to sail through life and why others fail. This activity shows that you both are important and that you both care enough about the other to give space to one another. The kids will get used to Mommy and Daddy's TIME OUT!

4. SAY YES TO HELP OFFERS

When I had my first child everyone said,"Is there anything you need?, Can I bring over dinner for you?, Call me if you need help! Well STUPID me said NO THANK YOU to all that help. I wa super woman and new super mom I did not need their help!!! What was I thinking!!!!! By the time I had the the second child I had dinner from friend and family for my first 2 weeks lines up arriving at 6pm each night. IT WAS A GOD SEND! It was a wonderful thought about 3pm in the afternoon that Mary was coming over with dinner for that night and I was thrilled to know that my family would be fed and most of the time there were no dishes to worry about. What did they want in exchange? They wanted to feel needed. They wanted to feel like a part of our great happiness in our new child. They wanted to hold my baby---the closest thing here on earth to heaven. They wanted to be able to LOVE me they way they knew how to with food and community. SO SAY YES. Get your calendar and schedule everynight for dinner. Yes, there will be some that may overstay the drop off of the food and for them you just say, "Thank you so much Mary for the dinner you are so sweet to think of us in this way but I have had a rough day and I am tiring quickly this evening and I just want to eat your wonderful dinner and get to bed. Mary will get the message and back out of the door. Being around a new baby and a new family is life affirming and uplifting and some people just need to feel that joy enter their body and so they stay a bit longer. So C. say YES TO HELP. Call a freind on and ask for them to set it up for you. Mysister called everyone and set up each night for 2 weeks for me. It was so life affirming to see so mamy wanting to help and I learned to let others be nice to me. Helping others make people feel good inside.

5. EXCHANGE ABILITIES WITH GIRLFRIENDS

If you have a friend that needs a sitter for Friday night but can't afford one then you sit for her and in the morning she vacuumes your floors and does the dishes when she picks up her child. You can find many girlfreinds and neighbors that will BARTER with you.

6. PRAY that God will change you to realize that a happy home is better than a clean home. Pray,"Lord let my husband see my need for help and want to help me." Pray that your husband will be able to hold down two jobs without any resentment or bitterness towards you. You are angry NOW about him and the new job that you WILL BE TAKING ON WITH THE NEW BABY and now he will be having a new job outside the home with all that goes on with that (mean bosses, being tired, nasty coworkers, stress of the new bills, and getting home later each night,etc.) I have noticed that many young newly married couples just think about themselves and not about their spouses. That is a receipe for divorce.

6. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Don't expect your life to be the way it used to be when you could get everything done in one afternoon and it stayed clean! Those days are gone!!! Lower your expectations. A happy home that is 50% clean is better than a 75% clean home where everyone is misserable.

C., Life is not easy as young parents. Young children will wear on your energy level and they will wear on your body and you will get little relief from the strains of raising young children. But then
the children get older and they will wear on your hearts! So let go and enjoy your young family in your not so perfect house and love your husband. NOBODY gets married and has a family to CLEAN HOUSE!
Good luck and I will be praying for you and your young family.

Keep Mothering,
C.

Husbands are like that for sure, and a lot depends on how they were reared and what they saw their father do or not do.
Of course! you need help so it's time for you to (work your wiles and smiles with him) go "lovingly" to your husband and "sweetly" explain that you need for him to please help you with some chores and with the children after work and that you would appreciate it so much if he could do that for you. Now, I am always willing to help my husband outside, hold the light, get a screwdriver, rake leaves with him, mow, etc. you get my drift, right?, so that way you can always add that you know how much he appreciates it when you help him out. That extra hand can really be valuable at times. Salt and vinegar will definitely not soften him, but loving kindness should, if not, then pull out the two by four and bang him between the eyes a couple of times, he'll get the drift...just kidding!
This is the plan C., try to not nag, guilty feelings, no, just pleasantly say to him (when you are not upset) how much you need his help, it would take a lot of stress off you, sniff sniff and make things more pleasant in the house so you don't feel the whole weight of the household and rearing the children. You need him to lend a hand. You're not asking him to split every chore, but just to help out since you're goal as parents is to have a great family and right now it takes two. When the kids get a little older, it will also take them to make this happen.
Everyone should have a part with responsibilities so the family can run smoothly. Patience is a virtue, really try to incorporate it in your personality when you deal with him. A man LOVES to have a wife who isn't a nag or whiner, they want a woman who will make him feel like the king of the castle. Don't get your dander up now, just listen, when you make him feel like a king, he will make you feel like his queen. I guarantee you this will work. What you dish out you will get back...make sure that dish is dripping with love, compliments, and appreciation for all he does to bring home the check and take care of everyone. Kisses and hugs can go a long way. ALl of you who are thinking the two by four method suits you better believe me I don't blame you, I've been there, but unfortunately it won't get you what you want. Realistically, I know some husbands are rats and mean and will bite back, but I hope you don't have one of them.
If you do, the advice I gave is probably useless because they think they deserve everything and want a wife to bow down to them. Nope Nope Nope!!! Not in this lifetime!!

C., you are a normal girl with a normal husband.
I wish you tons of luck.

G.

HI C., take a deep breath and really think of how much help you need and what exactly your husband can do to make home life and child rearing a team experience. I too am a stay at home mom, having given up a high energy career. The kids came, we have 2 girls, and he works many hours per week and travels as well. We came up with a plan. I thought about what chores, activities and child rearing duties I could handle myself, which we could share and what I really needed my husband to attaend to which would allow me to get a break now and then and also give us quality time together. We are now a very effective parenting team and committed and loving married couple. The responsibilities devided and shared needed to reflect our skills, available time and I wanted my husband to have time alone with each child and with both children so that he could develop and strengthen a father cild bond. The load shifts when he travels, but when he arrives home I always get a mommy day, where I can go and do what I like or need to do and he takes the majority load that day. Wite down all the things that need to be taken care of in any given day and discuss together how you can devide and share these things. As your children grow they can also take on some of the responsibilities. Know that it will not be a 50/50 devision, but more of a what works best and makes us a great family team. We have a date night once a week and daddy takes the kis somewhere once a week. We also have family night once a week. Daddy puts the kids to bed on the nights he is home early enough. We spend our evenings together and I do absolutely the minimum amount of housework when he is home at night in order for us to hang out together. Nagging never works. If either of you nag it only causes resentment and separation. Come together as a team. Adjust and relook at your schedules periodiclly. Sometimes things get left undone, but believe me they are always there to do later. Don't sweat the small stuff. Laugh, smile, speak in soft voices and ebjoy life, you only get one try at it.

Boy, have we fought this. Still in the works. But here is what I've learned so far.

Men hate to fail. Set him up for success. Clearly, simply, briefly and without emotion, ask him nicely to do a simple task. Set clear guidelines. Example, "Honey, thank you for working so hard for our family today. Would you please take 10 minutes to fold this basket of laundry and put it away? Thank you." Then leave him alone until it's done. When it's done, give him a kiss on the cheek, and sincerely say, "thank you so much. I appreciate your help. I'm so glad to be with you."

he succeeded, he was praised, you are not griping at him. He's happy. Thus, he will probably be willing to go through this exercise again.

Saying, "i need more help around the house" is confusing to him. Not that he's not smart, he just doesn't know what you mean by that. It's overwhelming. And he hears, "i'll never get any time to myself again. she wants me to do everything" Now, 10 minutes, that's doable. finite. in a box.

Men think in boxes, or squares. No matter how much he loves you, is devoted to you, adores you, this will never change. You have to help him move into the housework box. For him, tasks around the house are just that--tasks. Nothing more. They have nothing to do with you, or your relationship, or his beliefs about anything. nicely help him mentally get into the housework box, and keep the tasks of a manageable and doable size, and he will get those things done. then he will move to another box. he will not stay in the housework box.

if he is doing what you ask, and it is still not enough, or you just need the support that a female can give, strongly consider hiring help. just temporarily. if you hire someone for 2 hours 3 times a week, to unload and load the dishwasher, fold some laundry, sweep the floor, watch the kids while you nap or shower, and pay them $6 an hour, then figure out how much that costs. then multiply that by 6 weeks--about $250. go to him with that amount. ask to set aside that amount of money somehow, and then make the arrangements. IT IS WORTH IT. even if you don't put some money in savings for a few weeks, or if someone asks what you need for the baby, tell them they can help you hire help.

and your 4 year-old. take him to mother's day out, or get some friends to take him to the park a couple of times a week. this will let you catch your breath a little, and rest. get him to help. for me, bending over was SOO hard. your 4 year old is the perfect helper because he is low to the ground. reward him with stickers, or one of the aforementioned outings with a friend. If he balks, make him sit on his bed.

i went into labor 6 weeks early with my first mostly because i was so stressed about the house not being ready. we were remodeling; it was awful. but seeing my child in the NICU was not worth it. DON'T STRESS. just choose not to. ASK for help from anyone and everyone. Don't be embarassed, or worry about offending them. if someone is enough of a jerk to mind you asking for help when you're pregnant, then you don't want them coming around anyway.

Don't stew about your husband not helping. Tell yourself that you can do this, you have everything you need. Don't cry; make a list. Choose to send peaceful, joyful, happy emotions to your unborn child, and choose to fill your home with love and graciousness, even if you don't want to. Ask for God's help with this, and He will help you.

Blessings to you!
A.

hey C.. Let me first share my experience of what NOT to do!! smile My husband was working hard (as was I!) and went through a rough time when he withdrew a bit from our family life... he was busy with work stress and not understanding of the amount of work that I was doing at home, so not nearly as forthcoming with help as I thought he should be (if only they saw and understood everything that we do! smile)
so I nagged, and he withdrew, so I nagged some more, and then he checked out, and I started yelling and ... yeah, we were both miserable. (obviously there was other stuff going on too, but we hid from our other issues behind fights about the chores-- then we were both angry and alienated and hadn't actually talked about the real problems! obviously a great approach)

what we're trying now is a "family counsel" approach... we sit down and confer about the family business once a week. To get it started right and to get into the habit, we just talked logistics (what's the schedule for the week, who is picking up our son what days, etc. and don't forget to schedule in a break for yourself!), but it's also the time when we can decide who needs to do what for the week-- that way expectations are spelled out in one conversation and we can also together decide on an appropriate timeline, etc. So now my husband knows that he needs to clean out the gutters sometime before our next weekly meeting (and he feels like it was his idea! smile), but it's up to him when he wants to do that. And then it's off my plate and I don't have to worry about it or spend energy becoming resentful of the fact that it feels like he's not helping. That method also helps both of us respect how much the other is doing and be aware of each other's schedules so that our expectations of each other are reasonable-- it's easy to feel so tired and overwhelmed (and alone if he's so busy working!) that I can feel like I'm doing everything and thus forget to recognize what he is doing around the house or that he can't do much more than he does if he's not physically there!

This technique was much more structure than I thought we should need (I thought he should just be able to see what needs to be done and be able to help out without a big discussion about it!), but it's reducing my resentment and stress because it takes me out of the role of being the taskmaster at home. My hope is that if my husband can agree ahead of time to how he would like to help at home and what is reasonable and expected, then he'll be more my equal partner in the household and will be more connected to me and the family than if he feels like he is being nagged to do things whenever he walks in the door. (and as we get better at this technique, we're supposed to be able to address the bigger, looming issues through this type of controlled conversation too so that I don't feel like he is always avoiding the issue and he doesn't feel like he could get blind-sided by the conversation any time we're spending time together-- we'll get there eventually... smile)
Maybe some version of this would work for you too...

C.,
Many couples have trouble communicating their needs to each other. When two people want their marriage to become great they work at pleasing each other(placing the other's needs as a priority). I suggest you ask your husband for five priorities that you could do to please or make him happy. Do one or two and ask him to do something for you that would give you great joy. Let him know what you need from him in a loving caring way (I would really appreciate your help by doing....) this would really make me happy if you could do this for me. When he does the things you ask or anything that brings you joy, compliment him and let him know who much you love him for meeting your needs. We enjoy our spouse providing for our needs and they also enjoy the same. Bring romance back into the marital equation by doing these things and it will create an atmosphere love in your home. I believe caring, loving, and making our spouses' our top priority (doing what they want, not what we want to do for them)makes for a happy more fulfilling relationship. Try this and let me know what happens.
Sincerely,
L.

Welcome to the club! I don't know if I have too much help to offer, maybe just some comfort in knowing you are by far alone in this! I've been talking with my husband about these things for years, and we still are trying to figure it out. Just don't get too worked up about it... that won't help anything. Maybe give him specific things you need help with (would you be willing to please clean the toilets for me every sat.?) and don't feel bad about reminding him. If WE didn't HAVE to, we probably wouldn't either! And while we NEVER leave work, they don't want to leave work to come home to more work. It's a tough balance that I think most struggle to work out. Let me know if you find the answer!

My husband works 12 hours a day and I have a job too. We have two girls. When I leave my job, I start my second shift at home. My husband does his share of domestic duties. He does laundry, iron, take the girls to school, and pick them up from their dance classes. He also is responsible for dinner 2x a week. I don't care if he cooks it or brings it home. I like not having to worry about dinner. It is not a lot to ask of him I know, but considering he works long days, I am just glad to get anything out of him. Most of which doesn't really interfere with his daily activities but frees me up to do other things. If he takes them to school, that lets me get to work early so I can get off early enough to pick them up from school. I drop them off at dance and he picks them up. That way I can go home and get dinner started. When he brings home dinner that gives me time to review homework. This works for us. Truth be told, I have him pick up the girls from activities so that I know he will be home for dinner. He has a pretty hectic schedule as an Assistant Dean of the University here in Athens.

I commend you for taking on an 18 hour a day job. We all know that the chores won't be divided 50/50, but any work you can get him to commit to will be that much less you have to do. Consider the fact that when he starts his second job, that he won't be as available as he is now.

When you have your talk be ready with a list of things that you would like help with and let him pick 3 or 4. Or maybe he can suggest a few things that he would rather do. Let him know that you expect him to do them hence forward. If taking the children out of the house for a few hours a week will help you to run errands or tidy up, that is great help!!

My point is to think of what you need help with and you two decide on what he can do that you can live with. If your situation changes then the arrangments should be renegotiated to fit the new circumstances. So if he is no longer working two jobs, he can pitch in more.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Hi,
I understand what you are going through completely. We relocated here from Houston just last year and were newly weds... plus I didn't know I was pregnant with our third child. My husband come home and get on the computer, watch TV, go to sleep, etc, etc... It was like because I am at home and he goes to work, he didn't have to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, we have to tell them the common sense things. I AM PREGNANT!!! I HAVE BEEN WITH THESE KIDS ALL DAY!!! I NEED A BREAK!!! I NEED HELP!!! YOU HAVE A JOB WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM WORK, AS WELL AS WHEN YOU GO!!! And you want to scream sometimes, but I found it better to pray a little prayer before I told my husband these things. I prayed to remain calm during the conversation and that he'd take in what I was saying hold heartedly. A majority of the time our husbands want to keep us happy. So I think everything that's bothering you should be layed on the line. I mean once I talked with my husband he's been a great help. He comes straight home from work and tends to the kids as I finish with dinner. Then we do the whold family thing... read books with the girls, play games, and get them ready for bed. I calm conversation always helps. But do not leave any of your feelings out.

Take him to your next ob visit. Call ahead and ask to have the dr. point out that you will need extra help around the house until the birth and for a few weeks after until you regain your strength. Having 'doctor's orders' may help. Having my doctor remind him that pushing/pulling a vacuum and leaning over a tub to scrub it where no longer comfortable activities, helped open his eyes a bit.
K. h

you are going to have to actually ask for help. ie, hun can you help me with these dishes? Most men don't relize that you aren't their mother and you aren't going to clean up after him.

Good luck.

Bottom line is this: if you want help, you have to ask for it! Your husband is not a mind reader and yes, in theory he should know that he needs to help out, but he doesn't. Just sit him down and very calmly, if possible, tell him you are overwhelmed and you need help. Remind him that you are PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD and you cannot do it all alone. If that doesn't work, put a tent in the yard and make him sleep there.....just kidding! (sort of)

Can I say...Welcome to my world. I've got the same problem except I also work, take the kids to school, pick the kids up, help with bathing,feeding, homework and putting them to bed. And to top it off most times he's at his mother's house on the weekends. He doesn't wash clothes or dishes, although the majority of them are his. Please when you find out what to do let me know.:-) LOL

This has a lot more to do with you than with him, even though you're probably going to think I'm crazy for saying that. I'm a SAHM of five young children, and I also work from home. I've felt how you described. Believe me, the changes need to start with you, and I don't mean you confronting him either. This is a deeper issue than who is doing housework and who is not. There are underlying issues. Don't let this fester, especially since you are at a very volatile point hormonally / emotionally. Try to look for the good in him and shower him with appreciation for what he does. That will make him want to do more. Nagging him and confronting him will make him want to do less and make him feel unappreciated for all he is already doing. I suggest you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and/or The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (don't worry...it's not like it sounds). These will help you put your entire relationship in perspective and help you understand men better. Good luck.

Hi C.,

This is indeed the age-old battle. I am guessing that at some point even Adam and Eve and the cave men and women have had this battle.

I would say that first of all, guilting men doesn't work. They don't have the same conscience as we do, or they couldn't sit on the computer while the baby cries and we do everything in the first place.

Second of all, the "honey do" thing works sometimes, but lemme tell you, I have been married 13 years and it gets old. I have actually told my husband (when he suggested the same thing) that it is all well and good, but he doesn't have to ask me "honey can you cook dinner" or "honey, can you do some laundry" etc. Nope, I can actually think to do those things on my own -- and guess what-- so can you!

Ultimately, you will have to take all of this advice and use a little bit from each and come up with your own solution, but what I have to do is just flat out ask for help. Not in the honey do format, but "Hey, we need to talk". I have told him over and over that I never get a day off, I am always the mommy, and that even though he is at work he doesn't have the stress of having the life of another person in his hands all day.

I have actually given my husband a couple of chores. I sat him down and told him I can't do everything and shouldn't have to, and that I need him to load the dishwasher at night. I have my son unload it, and my husband loads it. Is it a big deal? No, could I do it myself, yes, but at night after I have been cleaning all day, it sure is nice to look at a sink full of dishes and know they are not mine! Now he does it most days, and I don't have to ask. Does he ever need reminding? You betcha! Does he ever do anything I have not designated as his chore, you betcha (not often, but it happens :-). Most men are not self-starters when it is something that doesn't directly benefit them. They are not intuitive...we all know that, right? He will never come home and say, "wow, honey, you look tired, go take a bath while I take care of the kids"...well, my husband said that the other night after I had a "Three Mile Island, Mushroom cloud meltdown", but by that time, I didn't want a bath, I wanted a gun (kidding). What I am saying is that as much as we want them to know the perfect thing to say and do, it isn't going to happen. I don't believe they don't want to, it just isn't in their DNA. Think cave man. God didn't equip these guys for deep, insightful thinking, he made them hunters and gathers. They are programmed from creation to go to work and bring home the fruits of their labor. Nowadays it isn't a saber tooth tiger, it is a nice fat paycheck. We, as women were programmed to nurture and care and think. Men are doers...so, if we have to tell them what to "do", so what, as long as it gets done. Most men don't mind us telling them what to do as long as we tell them nicely and respectfully --they especially like it if somehow you can make them think it was their idea ;-). Duh, I know, I shouldn't have to tell my husband either, but, it is what it is! I am not sure my husband even has the capacity (and he is a smart guy) to look around the house and see what even "needs" to be done. When he does take initiative to do housework without my asking he does things that I don't even care about. I am like "why the heck did he mop the kitchen floor when there is a sink full of dishes?" You know what I mean. So, I would rather ask for what I want. BTW, I do the same for holiday gifts. He often falls short of being intuitive there as well, so after a few years of disappointing gifts I give gentle hints-- like emails that say "I WANT THIS". That is the sort of hint it takes with my guy! ;-) Back to Adam and Eve, if Adam could think for himself, he wouldn't have eaten the apple when Eve offered. He would have said "No, you go ahead, I'll have this banana over here", and the world would be different. BUT....

I know I have written a book. I have been having this battle for 13 years. It doesn't change, just the house we live in changes. We all fight this battle and I will continue to read your responses. Maybe there is a solution I haven't thought of, but in 13 years I have tried almost everything.

Best of luck!

Simply ask him (sweetly) to do some things for you. And, yes, you will have to do this everyday if you want him to do anything. Go with "Hun, will you do so and so for me. Please!". LOL Men just dont think like us and they dont realize what all goes into keeping the house running. Yes, work for them is tiring but so is house work and running after kids. Just remind him (sweetly) that your feet hurt or your back aches and that would he be a darling and do the dishes. LOL If all else fails, cry. LOL Just Kidding.

I too am a SAHM to to great kids and I feel that it is my "job" to keep the house so to speak. But yes, I get frustrated on how I feel I'm the only one that knows how to pick up after everyone else. And I've gone on strick once or twice with no avail. First off, you have a 4yr old, so I hope you are giving him the chance to clean up after himself and other small tasks around the house. You'll teach him responsability at a very young age and the start of taking care of himself when he is an adult living on his own. As far as your hubby-what was the role of his parents? Did they both work, mom stay at home and take care of the house? Or did he not have a father around so mom did everything-Super Woman?? What ever the role his parents had is most likly how he thinks your roles as parents should be. Does your hubby do outside stuff? Mow the yard and all that stuff?? If so, then this is his "job" along with his paying job. Well, at least that's pretty much how it is in my house.

But....when I need help or something needs done, I ask my hubby to help me out. 9 out of 10 times, he does it. Maybe not the way I would like it to be done, but it gets done by him, none the less. Somethings I don't have to ask for, like cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. I've told him that when he does it or helps me do it, I feel more appreciated because I cooked that meal with love for the whole family. And remember, men aren't mind readers!! No matter how much smoke is coming out of our ears, they are cluless to our frustrations!!

You need to sit your hubby down and explain to him that you feel over whelmed right now (most of the feeling might be hormone induced so milk it!!) and that you'd love him to give you hand around the house (say on the weekends, don't expect him to jump in with both feet.) And if he asks what he could do, tell him! Vaccum the kitchen or living room, start a load of laundry, etc. And while you are cleaning, ask him to do something that needs to be done as well like pick up the toys so you can vaccum or vise versa. You're especially going to want to open up the lines of communication with him before this baby is born and you are both feeling overwhelmed!!

Good luck
S.

There are a few things, first, ask. If you get a negative response, ignore it and do the task you asked him to do-guilt will insue and that is so much more productive than an argument.
Also, I leave the house, and the kids (at least once a week for 2 hours-I take a class) and say "and if you don't mind, tidy the house a bit as well, I just haven't found the time or energy lately." Let him see what it is like and give him the chance to tidy. Either he won't find the time and empathize, or he wants to show you how great he is at multitasking so he does clean the house, and you come home to tidiness.
Or, find articles (Mothering had one this month) about mother's needs and it is a responsibility to help the spouse around the house (and appreciate it when one is doing most of the work)-lie these article is places where he will find it, on the refigerator, tape it to his eye level in the bathroom when he pees, on the mirror, wherever. He'll get the hint loud and clear, and really-sometimes they need it right in front of their face or they won't even think about it.
My husband and I had the discussion a lot when the 2nd was born and I was very emotional. I felt unappreciated when I was trying my best to do it all. I finally learned at long last, you must ask. and you must continuing asking. and if he gets huffy say "my job is 24/7 and important -just like yours- and I need help too. And I'm not afraid to ask for it.Now get up, and empty the dishwasher". And if all else fails, make him hold the screaming babe so you can clean, He will trade places with you in a heart beat.

It's how you approach it. When you are ready to bring up the subject first tell him how much you appreciate being able to be a SAM and that you know how hard he works and his taking a second job is going to be hard. But, this final month of pregnancy is also very hard and if he could possibly help at times it would mean so much to you. Sounds like he is probably now aware of what you need beause you have not told him. Do it with love. V.