My Husband Forgot My Birthday and When Realized, He Did Nothing

if your husband has a pattern of ignoring you or overlooking your stated requests you've got a problem.
if this is the extent of his neglect, you're being a whiner.
only you know which is true.
going to see his mom and sister is nice. why didn't you go with him?
he felt terrible that he did it on your birthday weekend. so that indicates that he cares. lots of people aren't super-vigilant about birthdays. i'm one of them.
you didn't get nothing. both your husband and son called you, and your husband did so with his family on speaker.
your husband and your son were both out of town. i'm not sure what you expected. a strip-o-gram? i mean, a card would be nice, but the phone calls DO indicate that you were thought of and loved.
your husband's impatience is probably due to you being 'deeply hurt' and not giving him any way to get off the hook. tell him you're making a reservation at a nice restaurant, or book a spa day, or buy yourself a nice bit of bling and have it gift-wrapped and give it to him with a twinkle in your eye and say 'okay, cowboy, hand it over! this is how it's done.'
if you're questioning your entire marriage over not getting a card, your marriage was pretty shaky to start with.
khairete
S.

Someone once told me most of our disappointments in life come from our expectations of others. You expected more and are disappointed because of it. I understand your feelings, it's hard when you feel unimportant.

You told him to keep his plans and now you're punishing him because he did. Not a great situation if you're him.

My suggestion: in our family we celebrate whenever we can. We've been know to have bday celebrations 2-3 weeks off from the day. We've celebrated Christmas in January due to plans not coming together. Why can't you say sweetheart I've been wrong to send you mixed messages. I said it was fine to keep your plans but you know I'm hurt because I don't feel celebrated. Let's put this behind us and plan my birthday for this Saturday so we can celebrate together.

The alternative is to continue to punish him and be hurt. You make your own happiness. It's up to you. Choose wisely.

If you are questioning your marriage because your birthday wasn't handled the way you wanted it handled then your marital issues are far deeper than a birthday.

You told hubby to keep his plans.

If that was not ok you should have voiced your opinion then and not be so passive aggressive about it. What did you expect him to do for your birthday?

So you cleaned house on your birthday. That was your choice. You could have taken a walk, gone to the movie, treat yourself to a spa day.

I guess I don't get it because I see Birthday as another day. I don't get butt hurt if everyone I see does not know it's my birthday and does not celebrate me. Some people celebrate the month or week and that's fine, just not my thing.

I can understand your hubby being irritated. How long are you going to make him pay for going on a trip on your birthday that you agreed to! It does NOT mean you aren't loved or liked by family.

If you expect a big bru ha ha for your birthday, it's your job to communicate that. He can't read your mind.

Happy Belated Birthday!

He felt bad, you told him to go. You were setting him up to disappoint you and then made sure you were disappointed. Why are you deeply hurt? They both called you, your husband even made sure his family wished you a happy birthday by putting you on speaker.

Did you give him a wish list? If this is what makes you question your marriage it couldn't have been that strong to begin with. I am sitting here shaking my head because I would be disappointed my family wasted money on cards and their love is the only gift I need for my birthday, you want to toss a marriage over a card?

Your husband was a bonehead for forgetting your birthday. Y'all should have celebrated before he left. That's on him. YOU did tell him to go on with his plans. YOU can't hold that over him. That is on YOU.

Your son is a twit because he is a kid and they don't get it. Mine have done that to me and I have thought about "forgetting" their birthday but that is a whole different issue.

Personally, I would make plans to do something myself and leave hubby at home. What would he have done if you had made plans during his birthday weekend?

My husband has forgotten mine a few times (military assignment out of country) and sometimes he thinks it's a day earlier than it is. The biggest hurt was when he forgot our 25th wedding anniversary and was in the doghouse for a few days. He did make it up and take me to dinner and apologized about it.

As TF and a few others mentioned, it is just another day for many of us. It's time to get over the hurt and move on. Make sure your wishes are known in advance so that they can be fulfilled and you not be hurt.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to worry about a missed birthday celebration.

...I'm just shaking my head at the last sentence "I am questioning my marriage." All of that over the lack of a card, or whatever it is you were expecting him to magically know to do for you on your birthday? If this is the worst thing he has done throughout your marriage then lady, you have it pretty good, stop complaining, because many of us wish we had such "imperfect" husbands as yours.

This reminds me of a friend who told me he didn't want any birthday cakes nor any form of celebration on his birthday after I told him we could pick up a nice vegan cake for him or go out to dinner. He said "no, no, you don't need to do that". Ok, I did just that, and now he won't talk to me because he said I ignored his birthday and didn't do anything to celebrate like a true friend would, what the heck? This is so silly. He hadn't offered to do anything for my birthday which was the day after, but I didn't care, I didn't think that was important enough to end a friendship!

You essentially did the same thing to your husband by telling him to go on a trip and just disregard celebrating your birthday. He is getting mixed signals -- what you say, and what you mean. He had the decency to call. If that's not enough, why don't you TALK to him and tell him that you're bothered by this? We're adults and have the gift of communication. USE IT! Stop moping around and festering in anger.

Ask him to take you out to dinner or on a little cruise, ask him to buy you that coveted purse you saw last week on the Saks Fifth Avenue catalog, to get a couples massage together...whatever, but don't blame him for not doing something when you told him to just go on his family trip and then assume he should know why you're in a bad mood.

You told your husband to keep his plans. They both called. You should have called a girlfriend, done dinner and a movie etc. I'm sorry your birthday wasn't all you expected but you have to take some responsibility in that. When your next one rolls around, plan something that involves doing something special with them both. Sometimes we need to help these men along. :)

I can understand being disappointed. My hubby forgot my birthday one year and it just sucked. Not that I expected anything because he's not a gift guy but he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. After 16 yrs of marriage not a single word?!?!?! He did cough up candy and a card the next day because he saw the stuff from our teenage kids.

After that I had to reset the bar lower on my expectations from my hubby when it comes to birthdays. He's forgotten since then and I no longer feel hurt by it because 1) he's a great guy who treats me well every single day of the year 2) birthdays just aren't important to him 3) I can't change how people treat me just how I react to their treatment.

So you need to ask yourself if this is the hill your marriage dies on. Either you stop crying in your beer over something he can't change because he doesn't have the ability to go back in time or you see this as something that might be a sign of a bigger problem in your marriage.

Men and boys don't usually care about this stuff like we do. Why didn't you go out to dinner or lunch or something with your girlfriends? That's what we always do.

You would question your marriage over one incident?

So what would have preferred? Your son and your husband both home, I'm guessing with presents and some nice meal?

Then you need to tell them that. I have to with my husband.

I got bent out of shape over it once early on. My sister told me how her first mother's day, she got a bag of manure and a box of chocolates. She's a gardener. Thoughtful gift, but not exactly what she was expecting on Mother's Day. A blunt chat with hubby was all it took.

Sounds like you gave mixed messages.

Just let it go - and in a while, give some examples of what you'd like to do (I prefer that - doing something with my family or husband) - or like to get (flowers, etc.), or organize it yourself (some of us have to).

If there's more to this than just this one incident - then address that separately.

Welcome to mamapedia, K.

How long have you been married, six months or a year? OR longer? I can't see questioning a marriage over a birthday.

Why are you telling US this instead of HIM?! You expect things to change with a group of strangers HOW?

I just turned 50 this year. I've been married to my husband 18 years. Birthday's are a HUGE thing for me. For him? Whatever - it's just another day. This year? My birthday was overlooked. I was out of town the weekend before and my birthday was a Wednesday. Did my husband and I fight over it? Hell yes. I was hurt. I went to HIM and not a website.

My suggestion - you go to your husband, tell him what you expect from him to fix this and see if he follows through. He is the only one that can actually meet your expectations, not a group of people you don't know.

Good luck!

I suggest that you take a step back, consider that whether or not you feel loved is based on your husband giving you a card. I also suggest you're attributing motive based on how you feel. Really, you have no way to know why he didn't give you a card. He forgot your birthday, when making plans, a month before it was your birtthday. Does forgetting mean he doesn't love you? That's a far reach. I forget important birthdays because I forget. Forgetting is just forgettin

If it is important that he celebrates your birthday and you love him, find a way to make celebrations, the way you like them, happen. He cannot read your mind. Perhaps, give him a hug and ask to celebrate now. Tell him what you want to do. I suggest it's possible he's laying low because you've shown your disappointment in an angry and judgemental way. I would withdraw from you if you blamed me for ruining your birthday.

I suggest you learn how to have communication without blaming. I was greatly helped when I read about non-violent communication. This group has several Web sites.

I also urge you to learn about co-dependency. It's about trying to make people happy and then feeling short changed when they don't respond in kind. It's about whether or not you're happy depends on other people.

I reread your post. your son and your husbandcalled you. Just not in the way you wanted.

I am sorry that you are hurt. I suggest that you try to accept that this is not personal. It is a miscommunication between the two of you (and a big part of that is on your side, since you didn't tell him that you expected something more), it's not an intentional effort to hurt you. If your husband shows that he loves you the other 364 days of the year, please let this go.

Now and in the future, plan your own birthday celebration. Make dinner reservations and tell him "Hey, since we never celebrated my birthday, I made plans for us to go to dinner on Saturday at XXX, since it's my favorite." Go to dinner. Order a special cocktail and/or dessert. Have fun.

I don't know if this is worth jeopardizing your marriage. Yes, it was inconsiderate...my dh has forgotten Valentines day, mother's day, etc. Even my birthday seems like a chore. It does get me upset, but guys just don't put much stock into that....even if his sister and mother do.
I don't think you need to coordinate gifts for his family. Like you said, they didn't do it for you.
I always tell myself...most of these things are kind of girl things...my dh does plenty of things for me in other ways. A birthday card or gift is a drop in the bucket.

I understand your hurt. While he is away, go to a mall, furniture store or restaurant (gift card in the future) and window shop for a gift that is way more expensive than you usually request. When he gets home, take him there and have him buy whatever thing you found. As for the restaurant, have him buy you a $50 gift card. Next weekend, take a dear friend with you to lunch.

Your son does not get off easy. Have him write you an old fashioned letter and send it in the mail.

Happy belated. I get your hurt. This is indicative of being overlooked.

this one year for my birthday my hubby was supposed to make dinner.. his pizza was the plan. he failed to remember.. but that was not the end of it. he them blamed me for no dinner at dinner time and then layed into me and pointed out every one of my failures. he continued for about 30 minutes. by the time he was done i was hysterically crying and wanted to die. (well he was not done but i couldn't take anymore and went outside and cried into a pile of snow)
that day is burned into my memory. there is NOTHING he can do to earse that day.
my point is that it could of been worse.

One year, my mother did nothing for my b-day. I called her and asked why and she said: Oh, honey, I just forgot. And, this woman pushed me out of her vagina.

In most families, the woman keeps the family calendar...all the events, the holidays, the b-days. I'm going to bet in your husband's family, there is a woman keeping things flowing every year.

I decided that for my b-day: I'm going to have the day I want. So, I'll tell the family ahead of time: we're going x, y, z or some years, I'll just take a "spa" day, which is going out with a friend, having a lovely lunch and doing girl talk.

I think you have an excellent point that he booked a trip, apparently without talking to you about the dates. Neither my husband nor I would ever plan to be out of town without talking to the other first. That's just basic respect and consideration. The fact that neither he nor his mother/sister (who presumably were in on the plans) knew it was your birthday is pretty bad.

But after that, I think you went wrong. You participated in this by telling him to go ahead with his trip, which gives the message, "I'm okay about it." You told him not to worry. Now it seems he should worry, big time, because you've decided to get angry after all. After you gave the message that this isn't a big deal, you've set up expectations of what he and your son should have done (including the time of the calls, apparently not early enough).

And to make it even worse to be sure you were good and miserable on your birthday, you decided to clean the house? Maybe they called later in the day thinking you wouldn't hear the phone due to the vacuum cleaner running, or being up to your elbows in a bucket of soapy water? I would have sat around watching movies that only I like, or gone to lunch with a friend, or headed to the spa for a facial. Did you consider doing that? What was your motivation in choosing that day, of all days, to clean the house by yourself? I would have waited for my husband to come home so we could do a big deep cleaning together.

So what has been your family's pattern over all these years regarding birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, etc.? That would be a big indicator for me. If your husband's family always exchanges wish lists, do you participate in this? Does he give you his mother's wish list, his sister's, etc., and then you do all the shopping for them? Have you two raised your teen/adult son to "let Mom do everything" or is he proactive and considerate? Do you and they exchange wish lists or at least express some desire in general about what you would each like? I think it's ridiculous that he didn't even buy you a card over 4 weeks, or tell you he'd take you out to dinner on the date and at the restaurant of your choice, but have you enabled him for all these years by saying that your needs aren't that important?

What I'm saying is, you have to give clear statements about your wishes and hopes in any relationship. If you have been doing that all along and he just royally screwed up this time, that's one thing. Then you sit him down and tell him you are good and hurt, and you expect X, Y or Z to make up for it and give you the birthday celebration you want, even if it's a few days or a week late. You don't have to do wish lists - I kind of prefer not doing that, frankly, as I like to see the books my husband chooses for me based on our discussions and his knowledge of my interests. To me, it's like saying, "Here's my list, now go out and buy the stuff and wrap it, and I'll pretend to be surprised." But if everyone agrees that wish lists are the way to go, then great - go for it.

So don't question your marriage. Question your communication. If you have been in this position before and your husband doesn't care, then get marriage counseling. If you both have really bad habits about discussing things, then change that, either together or with the help of a counselor. If you are in a routine of self-pity and setting people up to fail, then get individual counseling for yourself to understand why you self-sabotage. But don't sit around being upset and hurt without talking to him.

Maybe you should forget his birthday and see how well that goes over.
What goes around comes around.

Eventually - you guys are going to need to talk and reconnect and communicate about what your special occasion expectations are and/or should be and adjust (either celebrate or tone down the expectation) accordingly.
I don't always get card, and I sometimes get a movie and a pizza.
We're kind of low key about it.

That royally sucks. I would be really disappointed too. My husband is not very good about celebrating other's birthdays or about christmas. His family did not make a big deal about things and did not really do many gifts. No party. Definitely a cake though...his mom is really into baking. Maybe one gift. His dad was extremely frugal and so his mom was too. Their family culture was more like..."look how non materialistic we are. Isn't it terrible how everyone else spends too much money on unnecessary things". They don't even do a tree a lot of years. If they did get a tree they only would go out on christmas eve and go bargain for a small one at a discount price. They don't decorate. We have been together 23 years and at first I just kind of laughed at it and happily did my own thing. But it's now starting to bother me. For my birthday I have to plan what we are going to do and put it on the calendar and tell him we are doing x at this day and this time! He may or may not get me anything...some years he does great and others not so much. This year he ran out to the store right after dinner and came back with frozen cream puffs and put them on a plate. He and the kids sang me happy birthday. No gift. Honestly I was embarrassed for him. But he was all proud of himself and sooo happy about it. We really have a different family cultures and he is never going to change. For Christmas each year I have to do all the planning and gift buying otherwise he would run out the night before and get 1-2 things for the kids and probably not do Santa. That is how they did it in his house growing up. It's annoying now and like you I cannot get him to understand my feelings. I don't think I mean very little to him though. I just think he does things VERY differently than I do. You know what I think you should do...tell him (again) that it is really important to you to celebrate your birthday. Tell him this is how you feel valued. Then book a night at a fancy restaurant and tickets to go see some theater or show and call it your birthday celebration night. Tell him to not forget a gift and make sure it's wrapped! (but don't expect much with the gift). This is the kind of thing I have to do. Sending hugs.

I don't blame you for questioning your marriage. Your husband hasn't done anything to make amends and is just expecting you to "get over it".

Your husband is still tied to his mom's and sister's apron strings. You are more a "girlfriend" than a real wife. He arranges his schedule for them without you in mind.

I don't care HOW DIRTY your house was. You shouldn't have been cleaning it on your birthday. And you shoudn't have been alone. If he had the money to buy presents for them and fly to see them, he should have bought you a ticket too.

I would NOT let this go. I would not let him off the hook. And I would not buy anymore presents for his family.

Sorry that your birthday "sucked". Happy belated Birthday Kris!!! 💥🎈🎁
Next year remind hubby a couple weeks before & tell him exactly what you want, like a card & flowers & dinner etc.
P

Bizarre. Sounds like the best birthday present would have been a housecleaner for the day and you take a hike or bike ride or spend time that day with people you like.
Start referring to his sister as "my sister-in-law" and his mother as "my mother in law".
You say money is tight, yet he can afford at least 2 trips to see "his" family. That is the same price at 1 trip for the 2 of you to see "our" family.