My Husband Doesnt Believe How Tired I Am from House Work!!

Updated on November 02, 2017
S.C. asks from Houston, TX
15 answers

I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have 2 kids. I have a part time job and like all moms know the amount of work a house needs . But my husband doesnt acknowledge the fact that im tired because i run the whole household chores, kids, food and a job , but he thinks i must be sick and i need blood analysis!!!!! We fight a lot lately because of this issue. He drives kids back and forth from school and gets mad at me because i dont offer to drive them!!!! Dont get me wrong i love my busy life and i dont wanna change a single thing but its getting more tiring to count the amount of tasks i do every day so that he believes i am genuinely tired. Im going crazy and dont know how to deal with him anymore pls help!!

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So What Happened?

Thank u all so much its so good to finally vent. Our kids are 1 and 4 my eldest helps with tidying up her toys. And it might be a good idea to take the stupid blood test to just show him!!! I eat very healthy and i know im tired like a normal person who starts his day at 6 am. I do have house keeping every 2 wks for the scrubbing and cleaning but i dont have a dishwasher or a drying machine. Maybe its a good idea to let him do all for a wk . He doesnt know how to do dishes though or even laundry so i might be sneaking to clean after his cleaning I literally feel we got to a pt where we lost respect for each other within all the stress of life. Im even 3 days late (positively not pregnant) because of the stress he puts me in. He became too grumpy on me and the next day he comes to apologize but its becoming a routine an apology doesnt count anymore.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Take a long weekend girls trip and let him do everything for about 3-4 days. You will come back refreshed, and hopefully he will have a little more respect for what you do.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It's a classic case of 'nobody appreciates what I do until I don't do it'.
Try going away for a long weekend and leaving kids and house for Hubby to handle.
Working full time is hard too - but people get in a rut where hubby and wife both think the other has it 'so much easier'.

I don't know how old your kids are but if they are school age then they can help with chores and they should.
Make beds
Put dirty dishes in dish washer/put clean dishes away
Help with meal prep
Take out trash
Vacuum
Pick up toys
Put away their laundry (and if they are around 11 yrs old they can do their own laundry), etc.
They have life skills they need to learn and chores help them learn them.

Additional:
I was diagnosed hypothyroid at 32.
I was dragging (this was before we had our son by 4 years) and exhausted.
My hair was brittle, my nails were peeling, I couldn't get enough sleep.
Get your thyroid checked out.
Hypothyroidism is very common and easily treated.

4 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

If he thinks you're sick, let him. Go to a friend's or your mother's for the weekend so "you and the kids don't catch it" and then shut off your phone. Let him manage the house for 2 whole days and see how damn energized he is at the end of the day. He'll be on the couch by 3 PM and they'll all have cereal for dinner, and nothing will be picked up or vacuumed. Fine. Everyone will survive.

Sometimes spouses can only feel better about themselves by putting other people down.

Also, you might find out that there are some chores he's happy to set aside, which means you can adjust too and not do them all every day or every week.

The problem you two have is communication and respect. I actually am not sure it's about the chores. If he thinks they're so easy, though, he can do them for a weekend and prove it.

4 moms found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hey if he wants to pay for the blood analysis get it done so you can say see I am just tired I told you!!!!!!! Some men don't understand what all it takes to keep a household going even if you didn't work part time. Other than that have him do all the stuff you do for 2 days and see if his tone changes.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.M.

answers from Boston on

It took me fracturing my shoulder a couple of years ago for my hubbie to get an idea of what I do around the house(along with work full-time) ....my son also learned how todo laundry at this time... OK ...I'm not suggesting you try anything quite so dire but I do like the idea of a girls long weekend, perhaps even a whole week.

Good luck

3 moms found this helpful
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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

I would just quit trying to explain or convince him and respond with, "Yep, I'm tired."

I had this roommate in college who drove me nuts. If I said I was tired, she would say, "You're tired!?! Well I was up until 2 am working on a paper!" I thought, what the heck does that have to do with anything. If I say I'm tired, then I feel tired. This isn't a competition. I don't need to prove that I'm more deserving of being tired. I don't really know what her point was.

If your husband says, "How can you be tired?" or "What did you do all day?" or something else condescending, just say, "Doesn't matter. If I say I'm tired, then I'm tired."

Stop counting your tasks. Stop trying to prove it to him. Focus on not letting his comments get to you. Easier said than done, but that's really waht you need to do.

Also, I love the idea of have a girl's weekend. Take some time for yourself. Let him take care of everything (by himself) for a weekend and see how tired he is at the end! Sometimes the spouse that isn't the primary housekeeper and child supervisor needs to experience how the other half lives!

3 moms found this helpful
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K.G.

answers from Fort Myers on

How old are the kids? Have them clean their rooms. Pushing a vacuum won't hurt them.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

How tired are you?

It's very common for women to get run down, anemic etc. so blood work isn't that unheard of - not sure why that would be insulting. If my husband suggested it, I wouldn't take it as an insult - rather that he cared about me. However - maybe it's how your husband is delivering it. My husband knows how much I do and appreciates it.

So if that's the issue - then that's different.

I would look after your health needs - sleep, exercise, down time for mom, healthy eating habits - time with friends, date night, etc. to recharge - and see if that helps. If you need to get hubby to help with clean up after meals, kids to pitch in, etc. do so. I have friends who work part time and have cleaning help twice a month - if that's do-able for you.

Here, when everyone's home, everyone pitches in.

2 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Do you not share household duties? If not... start You are in a partnership with marriage. You both have jobs and responsibilities as well as family and household obligations.

How old are your children? Even a 2 yr old can help pick up toys. Make chores fun for children as well.

Learn to delagate

Get a housekeeper, even at once a month it helps a lot.

I also agree that it's not a bad idea to have bloodwork done, especially if you're feeling tired and down. Rule out medical issues.

Have a designated girls night.., bunco, dinner, movie, whatever fits with your interests.

Lastly.. remember... marriage is a partnership. Don't forget date night as much as possible to keep your relationship on track.

Figure out why you are fighting, seek a counselor. Get back on track to model behavior you want your children to witness.

2 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hmmm, if you are tired from doing housework you must be doing a LOT, every day.
How big is your house? If it's bigger than a 3 bed 2 bath maybe you should get a housekeeper once or twice a month (I'm assuming the husband would rather pay than help you scrub multiple toilets and floors.)
It may also help to simply STOP DOING EVERYTHING.
Let your husband do his own laundry. Only cook five nights a week and do leftovers or sandwiches the other two nights.
Also it never hurts to take off for a few days, a girls' weekend if you can swing it. A family never really appreciates a wife and mother until she's not there!
ETA: it never hurts to get blood work done either, you COULD be anemic, that's common in women so why not just get it checked?

1 mom found this helpful
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M.6.

answers from New York on

I guess I am in the minority here. You don't mention what your husband does when he is home, either with the kids or with household work, so I am going to assume that he must be helping to some degree. Work is work. You get up at 6 a.m. - doesn't he as well, or close to it? You work all day with a combination of a job and household chores. Sounds like he works all day as well. You mention he drives kids back and forth to "school" which means you likely have a period of the day where the house is kid free each day and can get things done. You have a housekeeper come and clean for the heavier work every two weeks, so you are not doing any of that. What happens when your husband gets home from work? Do you both work together to get things done through out the evening, even if it is him entertaining/bathing the kids while you are doing dishes? Unless one person is actively sitting out while the other one is busting their butt, then it sounds like two people working equally hard to reach a common goal, but one is apparently really tired and feel that their work is much harder. I guess I just am not buying it . . . My goodness, I know a million single moms doing twice as much as you are with no housekeeper, more kids, and no help who aren't complaining the are as exhausted as you. Maybe it is a medical condition - you simply shouldn't be that worn out given what seems to be your to do list.

I also disagree with "leaving dad to do the real work for a weekend and see how it likes it." I truly hate that mentality. Can your husband just drop you off at his job for two days and "see how you like it?" Nope. Why should you be able to do that to him?

Get a dishwasher and a "drying machine" (which I can only assume is a dryer) as there is nothing wrong with making your life easier - if you can afford a housekeeper twice a month, you can certainly afford those small conveniences, even if you purchased them used. However, I don't think that you are working any harder than many of the moms on this board, including me, who aren't complaining of exhaustion.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.H.

answers from Kansas City on

I always think it's the right time for a girls' weekend, so if that will work out, go for it...but it may or may not have the affect you're hoping for.

Based on the little info you've provided it doesn't sound like anything you say/explain to him will make any difference. Why don't you put it on him...ask him what he expects from you and how, in his opinion, he feels like you're dropping the ball? You also need to explain your expectations of yourself and him.

You shouldn't have to justify yourself but maybe hear him out and see if a compromise can be reached. Many men just don't get it. Maybe he just wants to be acknowledged for all the work he put into his day and lashes out when he feels unsupported?? Do you ask him about his day? Do you empathize and say things like wow you must be tired, honey! Does he get any time to decompress after he comes in the door?

It's hard, I get it. I struggle with this too because when my husband comes home late and dinner is ready and we have to get kids in bed, etc. etc., the last thing on my mind is empathizing with him or letting him lay down for 30 minutes while I continue to do everything around the house, but when I do, I will admit, our communication is better and our evenings go smoother.

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Tell him that you are working a full time job AND a part time job. And that you won't take on one more single thing. Tell him that if he doesn't stop this that you will quit your part time job. And MEAN it.

1 mom found this helpful

A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

In your so what happened - Lost respect for each other. That is a very dangerous slippery slope towards divorce. I've been there. You need couples therapy asap. It's very hard to mend this on your own. He should be appreciating you, not taking inventory of what you've done and then deciding when you should be tired. Ick! And you should be in a loving position to appreciate him as well. Without this, it is very difficult to have a healthy loving relationship.

1 mom found this helpful

J.N.

answers from New York on

If he thinks your "sick" because your tired after a long day....well that just makes me mad. Go get your blood work done to shut him up. If you honestly feel tired every day maybe more so then usual have them check your thyroid. But you know your body, if it's just "normal" tiredness it's definitely from your busy day. I hope your hubby does more then just drive kids back & forth to school. It's great to be busy but not taken for granted. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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