My Husband and School

You've done all you can do. You can't force him to be ready, or want to start. Whose idea was it for him to go, in the first place? Someone who is "excited" and "motivated" would've already been in school for a while, IMO. Either he is not ready, doesn't want to go, or is sick of being asked about it, is my guess.

In any event, I think you've been as supportive as possible. Leave it alone for now. He has to go because HE wants to and is ready. Not because anyone else wants him to.

He might be nervous to go back. He may be worried about being an older adult with all those kids. It could be that he doesn't want to upset the status quo...because sometimes it's easier to just deal with the inconvenience of the now rather than the uncertainty of the future.

Ask him if he wants to go back to school. If he says yes, then ask him what is holding him back. Then help him by easing his fears.

Here are my thoughts, and they may be entirely off base.

A person who persistently plans and lets the plans fall through is frightened of something. It could be his "older" college status. It could be that he might be starting something he couldn't finish. It could be that he has mental images of failing, and disappointing not only his professor mother-in-law but also his wife.

It could be that he's thinking that even if he does go back to school he won't be a success.

I don't know whether it's any or all of those. But maybe something will ring a bell with you.

I don't know why, but many men seem to value respect a lot - they value being respected the way women value being loved. Does your husband know that you think he's absolutely the greatest guy in the world, no matter what his paycheck is, what his educational level is, however the rest of life goes? Sometimes that knowledge helps a man face the challenges.

Actions speak louder than words.

Clearly your husband does not want to go to school. Trying to convenience him to go has not been successful. Maybe it you spoke to him calmly, without judgement in your voice, about why he hesitates to go things would work better.

You said he knows he should go and wants to go and even has the motivation but something stands in the way. Maybe he is afraid of failure in front of your Mom who is a professor at the school. Maybe he is worried of looking like less than in your eyes.

Going back to school can be hard especially if you do not have the background or the confidence.

You need to back off. He might be passive aggressive in that he says he wants to go but doesn't really. He is saying this because it is what you want to hear. Obviously, you value education but one thing here is he doesn't NEED to get a better job. You want him to get a better job. He has to be in the right frame of mind before he walks in those doors. If he isn't he won't succeed.

I went back to university when I was 35. I started out slowly and worked my way up to full time. I built up my confidence. No one in my family thought I would stick it out. I hadn't in the past, so what was this different? It was my mind set. I was mentally prepared but scared shitless. I am happy to say, I graduated with a BS in HR in 2001.

Here it is in a nut shell, you can't force him to do this. He has to make this decision himself. I understand your frustration but he has to do it. Good luck! Congrats on your upcoming graduation!

Well Rachel - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Jeff isn't going to do anything he really doesn't want to do. It might help if you SHOW him how much he could be making if he got his degree.

Since he has Veteran's Status - have him go to usajobs.com and use his Veteran's status for a better job at Pax River - show him what a little effort in schooling will do for his career and how that would better serve the family.

I am sure you will not be condescending and rude to Jeff! You love him! You want to see him succeed in what he LOVES to do...driving 4 hours a day is no fun...SHOW him that with his degree he can get a job 5 minutes from the house instead of 2 hours - show him the savings in car upkeep, insurance, gas and most importantly FAMILY TIME to help him SEE the big picture!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!

A couple of things to start off with.

1. If my husband talked to me the way some of these posters are suggesting you talk to your husband ... I'd be very very pissed off and the temptation to punch him in the mouth would be VERY strong. HOW rude and condescending.

2. You may not think so, or even mean to come off this way ... but from your post he may be picking up the "you're not good enough" vibe. You say he makes good money ... yet he NEEDS a better job. So good ... but not good enough. He served his country and has a skill ... but not a good enough skill.

Just something to think about.

Now my suggestion? You really want him to go back to school? MOVE. Move closer to his job so he's not spending 4 hours a day in that hell called DC traffic (I've driven in DC ... talk about hell on earth). He's currently spending 60 hours a week at work. For every hour of class time it's recommended to study a MINIMUM of 2-3 hours. Maybe right now he's just too darn tired to really go to school. Even if the idea of it thrills him to death.

Other than that ... let it go. When he's fully ready he'll go.

Tell him you've enrolled in night classes and he'll be taking care of the children the minute he gets home from work.

Wow that's a tough call. If he isn't going ot school and says that he is and isn't there are some underlying things going on. Have you tried talking to him about why he won't go? Have you asked him directly how you can help him so he will go and help improve your family situaiton? You can lead a horse to water but can't make 'em drink. He will ultimately need to do it on his own. Is his current job stressful? Working fulltime and a family and then adding classes and studying can be a daunting and overwhelming task. Look at ways to reassure him that you support his decision no matter what.

Hi, Mom:

Your current approach is not working.

Next time he tells you he's off to school, tell him
that he really doesn't need to go since he is so
smart now.

Just a thought.
D.