My Husband

A.,
I suggest you guys talk about this. My husband was scared to death that he would never get to do anything fun again as soon as we had a baby and did all kinds of strange things because he thought he had to cram it all in. We did some counseling around it and it got better and now he loves being a dad etc. I think it will only get worse though if you don't deal with it now. As much as he imagines he might have to "grow up" when he has his own child, some of those new parent responsibilities do seem overwhelming at first and if he's already scared, he might really freak out. Good luck.
S.

A.
believe me it's not the end of the world, My husband of 34 years acted out when I was going to have my first baby also. I sat him down one day and had a long talk with him and he told me (thing have changes for some reason I fell you are differant you are no longer the girl I married but the women who is going to have my baby and it scares me whats going to happen are you going to act like my mother when the baby comes?) am I ever going to have my wife back) I told him I never left I'm still here you just see me in a differant way, as a mother but I have not changed.He was worried that he would not know how to be a good father he would say what am I suppose to do or act I told him to just be himself and we would work on things as we both became new parents and he ended up being the best father in the world my son made me cry one day when he told his friend that I only hope to grow up to be half the man and father my dad is. so hang in there thing will get better he wont run from his problem forever he will grow up when he hold that baby

He is probablly nervous about how much his life is going to change. Each time I have been pregnant my husband has done the same thing. I thought after the first one that would have been over, but it wasn't. For mine it was almost like a rebellion thing. Seems so weird to me because I think like you that we should have been saving for the babe, but better that he gets it out now then after the baby comes. I have had a few friends whose husbands have acted the same way too. It doesn't make it better, but you aren't alone.

Wow - I've met a million men like that A.. Men often turn into babies when their wives get pregnant. My husband went out to score some pot while I was IN LABOR. He did, however, grow up... about 13 years into it.

I hope yours comes around soon. Have a talk with his mom and ask her for help. Mothers have a way with their sons. He needs someone to be the parent in his life and it can't be you - or the two of you will just fight all the time.

Good luck!

This sounds familiar. My hubby went through this a bit too, and it actually continued after our daughter was born until she was about 6 months old. In my case, it was his partying and going to his favorite irish pub for many beers and shots of whisky. The worst part...driving afterward...which made me &$*@! CRAZY! After many long nights up crying and begging...he began to see the light. (Plus, for us, it didn't help that we had our first baby when he was laid off of work, when his pre-fatherhood scheduled layoff period was a time for him to party like a rock-star.) We finally got into a groove and it worked out. It takes a while to set-up those standards and expectations of motherhood/fatherhood. Who is responsible for what tasks, etc. I think many times, since the man is virtually out of the picture for the pregnancy and even the first few months of the baby's life...(meaning the woman is doing all the childbearing and most of the rearing)...it gives men an excuse to act stupid as if they don't know what's going on. He knows...he's just choosing otherwise right now...and hopefully, he'll grow-up and get over himself.

Honestly, I think having our first baby was the hardest thing our marriage ever had to go through. It was such a dramatic change for us both that it really tested our marriage and vows to each other. (We were together for 15 years (married 5) prior to having a baby) Hang in there...at least for another year or 2. It'll get better...it's probably shock. I honestly think that men have a harder time with change than women and they don't learn or recover as quickly as we do either. Boys are just dumb sometimes. I'm pregnant now (also 23 weeks) and one of the first things my hubby said to one of his friends...was that he's now got a designated driver for the next 2 years. HA! We'll see about that! So far, he hasn't had to use his free driving service. :) He's super involved and helping around the house, etc. I've hardly had to lift a finger, so a different experience for this pregnancy than my first. Good luck.

I think you husband knows things are really going to change once the baby comes and feels now he has to splurge on himself. I would be worried too if I were you about finances, it's expensive. Hopefully you are breastfeeding - if not count on $150.00 a month just for formula and then add more for diapers, wipes, etc. Our budget is really stretched right now so try to save what you can and encourage your husband to lighten up on his spending - maybe cut back on his track days - it's okay to have a hobby but tell him to hold off for awhile until you have the baby and see where you are. You probably won't have much extra left over. Tell him not to give up his bike but seems to me he's worried he'll have to once the baby is born and is going a bit crazy now. Good luck with your husband and final weeks of pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your husband sounds like my husband and the husbands of two of my friends--completely normal! I agree with a lot of what Roberta S said. Men get worried that they will have to give things up once they have a child. It is hard for men to give up bachelorhood when they get married and even harder to accept being "tied down" with a child. Your husband subconsiously (or maybe consiously) thinks that once the baby is born he won't have time or money to himself. Let him know that though life will change with a child, he won't have to give up his favorite things (though who knows, priorities change--don't tell him that!). Tell him that he can buy things for his bike but not all at once. Don't worry, he WILL get better! It may take a month or two AFTER the baby is born but he will see that life as he knows it won't be tramatically changed :)

Hi A.
It is normal for a man to need to act stupid when he finds out there is a baby on the way. They figure if I dont do it now I won't ever do it.
Having a baby is one of the hardest things on your marraige. Hang in there things will get better in a year or two:) T.

My husband did some very insensitive and hurtful things before the first baby too. I think it is his way of processing what will change in his life with this. Pregnancy puts a husband on the outside, looking in. You have a new relationship that is still just theory to him and you have a new sisterhood with other moms that he has no hope of entering into. Your husband is doing what all men do when they feel insecure, he is heading for things that he knows he will succeed at.

He will have to process this in his own way and his own time, but just try to understand. He is now feeling responsible for two people. Before the baby, it was a partnership and marriage probably didn't "break his stride" much. This will, and he knows it. Hang on though, he will get it and probably make a great dad once he feels part of it all. Just try to include him in your new world as much as possible.

Right now there's no right way nor wrong way to handle this. You didn't say if you were working out side of the home, so I assume that you don't. There are a few things that you should get over the next few weeks that you have left, before the baby get here that you'll need and they can be rather expensive like a crib, diapers, bottles (if you're not going to nurse) and clothing. Start looking for these items now and take hubby with you. Start making a price list of the things that this baby will need to have even before he is born (it will surprise both of you), but don't do this over the internet because it won't work because prices will change over from store to store and he'll have to see the prices up front and personal. Then sit down with him and make out a schedule as to when you can purchase these items. Also, now is the time that you should start setting up the babies room. Ask him if he could help by getting these things. Since you're having a boy, then have your hubby help with the decorating of the room. Also have him come with you to a few of you Dr. appointments then he can hear the babies heart beat or maybe see the ultra sound pictures. Right now your hubby is feeling like he's loosing some of his manhood because he's afraid of becoming a father. On Father's Day this year, get him a Father's day card given from the baby you're carrying. You both have a lot to do over the next 17 weeks and it will take both of you to do it. I know that you'll have a baby shower but that will only be a drop in the bucket and won't get the things that you'll need right off the bat. I think he'll see that he can be a part of all of this and make sure that anything he does is his idea even though you've planted the seed of thought in his head. I wish you all the best and hope this and the other ideas will work for you.

L.

give him some patience. this is a big time for men, as they are facing a lot of growing up i guess. they are wondering if they will be a good father, they are wondering if they wont have their toys anymore, they are wondering if they will still be seen as young and stuff... its a big deal. LOL. my husband had a 66 mustang that he mostly rebuilt and a trans am that he bought. i never said anything about either, and after our son was born, he decided that he didnt need both, and so the trans am went down the road LOL.

so just be patient. its a HUGE change for everyone and men seem to take it pretty hard sometimes. just let him know that you think he will be a wonderful father and you will always find him just as sexy as you do now.

Good luck. Some men really have a hard time with pregnancy. Sounds like he is scared and worried all at the same time.
Scared of the things he is going to have to give up and worried about the life ahead. Talk to him calmly about it when he is in a good state of mind. Let him know that it is not the bike you have issues with, it is the money he is spending. If possible, show him sales slips so he has a concrete amount to see.
Congratulations on the upcoming little one. Just hang in there! If your husband is like mine, he will melt once the baby is in his arms. And the 40 weeks of tantrums are done They just come from the little one then!

It sounds horrible, but almost all first-time daddies run away, most also come back.

He sounds a bit like the father of my first. It was all or nothing with him. The moment I suggested compromise he would throw his hands in the air and say something similar to what yours says about the bike. Because cutting back on funding for parts or trips out of town is supposedly going to make the entire thing not work in the end, right? Simply put: He's being immature and throwing a tantrum.

Every couple is different, so I'm sure you'll find your own ways to deal with it. With Torri's dad there was nothing I could do, he was one of the ones who refused to "come around" after she was born. I tried many different things but nothing worked. When she was a baby, I would ask him to hold her so I could run to the rest room. He would say, "Again? But I just held her!" And to this day he still acts as if she is a burden rather than the blessing she is.

I'm not trying to scare you, just hoping to spread the wisdom that I wish I had back then. If your DH turns out to be one of the bad ones, sometimes there's nothing you can do. You might end up having to leave him if the situation becomes such that it would be better for baby if he wasn't there.

You fail to mention how old your husband is. Based on your situation I'm going to guess fairly young (at least I'm hoping). Chances are he is just getting used to the idea of a baby. Let's face it, life as he knows it is going to stop come September. With women it is easier to accept because you have the baby growing inside of you. It is tangible to you. Not so for him. A lot of men do not come to the final realization that there is a baby and it is great until after they see the child. He may be feeling resentful that the baby is going to "mess up" his life. He'll get over it once the baby comes along.

Hi A.,
My husband also has motorcycling as a hobbie, infact he is president of our local club. I'm guessing your husband is having difficulty coming to terms with being a father.This doesnt in anyway mean he isnt happy or excited but some men find this added responsibility very very scary and dont react well at first. My daughter is almost 11 but hubby acted very similar when we found out I was pregnant. If you have anything to do with your family finances I would start setting some money aside yourself in a seperate place. He should come around soon, sometimes it takes until baby is actually here to knock them to their senses. Good Luck honey, feel free to contact my private email ifyou want to. ____@____.com
R.

Sounds to me like your hubby is jealous of the new baby!! I know, that sounds pretty ridiculous, but it is possible. Your hubby is behaving like an only child who's mommy is having another baby, and doesnt like all the attention that is being given to the new baby. Tell your hubby to grow up and start acting like a grown man, and get over what ever his problem is.

I can totally see where you are coming from. We were 5 mo pregnant and my hubby bought 2 brand new 4-wheelers. However, after our dd came, he grew up right away and took total responsibility. I understand the money issue, but believe me, there is never enough money for everything.

This is not directly about money, it is about the changes that are happening to both of you. Things won't get back to "normal" - like they were before, because now you'll have a baby. What you can work on is a new normal.

Who is in charge of the money in your relationship? Is that working? Do you have some type of a budget? Do you discuss changes to that budget regularly? Can you have a calm discussion about how much is reasonable to spend on his hobby per month? If none of these is true, money is going to be an issue between you. Could you talk with a counselor, or a financial planner, or a neutral third party?

If he threatens again to sell his bike, tell him it is his bike and his choice and end the conversation. He's baiting you into telling him that what he is doing is OK with you. He might actually sell the bike, and that's OK, too. Just don't let that decision be your decision (so he can blame you for it later), let it be his.

This is a time of change and adjustment for both of you. Think about what you are doing differently, too, that is changing things between you. Then decide if these behaviors are working.

Good luck to you both and please try to relax and enjoy this time.

Go on a "Babymoon"! He may be scared to share your affections with anyone or overwhelmed by responsibilities. So, I suggest the two of you go away for a few day and just spend time on each other.
My hubby and I play a game called "5 things I like about you" (or 3 things if you are short on time). You take turns saying what you love or like about each other and you can only echo the other's answer once and it ALWAYS has to be positive. It sounds cheesy but sometimes you just need to hear those simple things like "I love that you work hard to provide for me" or "I love how special you make me feel when _______."
Remind him that you are still "his" and he is still "yours".
I have no idea if this helps so you can take it or throw it out. Also, there is a book called "The 5 Love Languages of Men and Women". It's awesome!
Congrats on your baby!

Not that you haven't read this already, but my husband did the same thing--and he was the type of guy who really wanted kids, moreso than I did. At first I was ticked because I felt like he wasn't supporting me, but then someone said, hey, it's his first baby too, and you expect him to support you--but who's supporting him? Women tend to bond over babies and fuss over pregnant women, but men just don't do that so much (and we were one of the first in our group to be pregnant). Anyway--bottom line was, it totally ticked me off (both pregnancies) when he did it--but he is an absolutely awesome daddy. So even though he was scared, he rose to the position and is doing great!

I would just tell your husband that if he wants to continue lots of track time, he needs to get an part-time job and work just enough to pay for his hobby. Tell him he can either cut back, or get another job.. In alot of cases, men can become very immature when there first child is on the way. Alot of times its just a phase but other times it does not go away. Try to nip it in the bud now so it doesn't last forever. Just keep letting him know that yes, his life will change in a big way but he does not have to completely give up what he loves just because a baby is coming, but there are somethings that you will have to cut back on.. Good luck to you.

In my opinion, there is nothing you can do to change his behavior. He clearly stopped maturing quite some time ago. The only power you have in your relationship is the way in which you respond to his behavior. Make sure you respond, rather than react. Remind him that you only have space right now in your life for one baby, and that baby is not him. I wish you luck, this sounds like a difficult situation not easily solved.

Hi A., I am 37 weeks pregnant with our first, and my husband went through the EXACT same thing during my pregnancy. He kept telling me he had to do all these things HE wanted to do before the baby came. It seemed like it was ALL about HIM! Anyway, I just tried to be patient knowing that he was going through just as big of a transition as I was, and now he has done a complete turnaround. EVERYTHING he does now is for the baby or in his words, "for the Mom". Within reason, I think all guys probably go through a bit of a panic when they think they're losing their "freedom". In the end though, I think they realize what they're gaining and not what they're losing is what's the most important thing in their life.

My husband did the same thing 5 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. He told me he was immature & scared, it was like his way of trying to hold onto his identity. He eventually had to sell his cars (classic cars are his thing). He has since grown up & realizes once you have kids your priorities shift. Once the kids are grown he can go back to those hobbies.
Brekka

Im kinda goin though the same thing as you are right now. Im 29 and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yr is 23. He was realiy supportive when our son was born. But just the last few months we went though a hard time. He wants to go out, and Im a family person. I have a 7yr by some one else so I know what goes along with being a parent. Im guessing he is freaked out right now. And that he is goin to have to grow up and his wants aren't #1 anymore. Maybe ask him if he is scared and afraid of having a baby. I know you can finds books about fatherhood. I have one that is realy funny. If you would like the name of the book and arthur, you can email me at ____@____.com will work out. It just will take time for the both of you. L. M.

He's just freaking out because he's realized he will suddenly have to be responsible and mature when the baby gets here. I know it's hard when money is involved but I would really try to let it go and sooner or later (hopefully sooner) he will start freaking out about how much money a baby will cost (less than you think), and won't want to spend a penny on so much as a coffee refill. If you think it would help, you could talk with him, casually, over a dinner out or something, about how you are a little worried about how much responsibility you will have to take on and that you are worried about how much might change once the baby comes. Note that I said how much YOU are worried (even if you are not). Make it about you and maybe he will start to look at it differently. Some guys go on a major immaturity freak-out session when they realize their "carefree" days are over. I think if you give him room, and then gently get some of the concerns out in the open, he'll come around. It took my husband quite a while to get used to being "daddy," but now that our son is 2yrs old, he defines himself as "Riley's dad." Hang in there, girl.

I am the mommy of 2 boys (9 & 12 now). Have you ever heard the old saying that women become Mommies while they are pregnant and men become daddies when the babies are born. My husband's hobby is video games. Before we got married, I had no idea they could become so costly, but before our first son was born, he began sinking every spare penny and minute into gaming. There is a part of being pregnant that causes each of us to look at our own identity and accept the new title, Mommy. He will come around and see that his new title, Daddy, doesn't have to mean the death of the motorcycle lover; but you will both have to adapt your former version of who you were before children as your son's needs change. It sounds to me like in his tantrum, he was maybe trying to say that he thinks this may be what you expect him to do. Are you the first couple in your circle of friends to be having children? Keep talking to each other. You'll be okay. Do you have a trusted person at your church or an older couple you can talk through this together with? Sometimes, the perspective of someone else can help a lot. God bless!!!

My husband did the same thing during my second pregnancy but with golfing like crazy and odd medical problems. Each time he came back from the doctor he was found to be in great health. And doctor bills and golf trips aren't cheap! I tried to plan special things with his friends or family so that he would feel like the center of attention instead of me and the baby on the way. In the end I found that the more personal attention I gave him and spending time with him without our 2 year old son made his 'medical problems' stop and the golfing slowed to reasonalble outtings. The last two months of my pregnancy he was very involved and excited. Many guys have to really see it to relate to it and my huge belly was hard to ignore. Good luck and hang in there I know how exciting and tiring it is being pregnant!

I just wanted to tell you that when I had my first, my husband was very scared about being a good father. We both came from broken homes and I think he just got real nervous about the whole thing. My husband also has a custom motorcycle & dirt bikes. Lots of toys! He too is my baby. I think they feel that you will not pay any attention to them once the baby is here. Just make sure you don't pressure eachother too much about the little things. It will all work out. I would sit down and talk calmly and ask him if he is upset or scared. I hope that he can be very open about this. I also think he is trying to get it all now before your little one gets so when he arrives he knows the time is going to come where he can't always go & buy.
I hope this helps some.