My Friend Doesn't like My Daughter's Friend

Updated on January 30, 2009
L.C. asks from Everett, WA
7 answers

My friend (in her 30's) says she "can't stand" a little girl in her and my daughter's class. Supposedly this little girl was not very nice to her child. Well, this child has been over our house and my daughter is friends with her. I have never seen her being mean although I am sure she has said mean things at one time or another. The three girls were in a triangle tug of war friendship for awhile. I simply tell my children that if someone is not being nice you shouldn't play with them but I'm not going to FORBID them to play with a child if they are their friend and I don't see evidence with my own eyes of the child being a bully. What should I say to my friend who keeps saying, "I wouldn't want my child to play with a child "like that""? She brings it up ALL the time! She makes me feel like a terrible mom for allowing my child to like a friend who wasn't nice to her daughter. Kids say mean things sometimes and I think my daughter handles herself pretty well when that happens. Any suggestions on things to say to my friend about it?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for your responses. I feel validated in my decision to simply speak my mind to my friend and leave it at that. She tends to be a bit judgemental at times and I just need to brush it off and know that I'm a good mom because I will give my child the tools and let her use them.

More Answers



answers from Corvallis on

Personally, I'd tell my friend that it is her choice but you haven't seen any reason why this child shouldn't play with yours. It almost sounds like your friend has forgotten how children can be sometimes. My mom gave me a great piece of advice a long time ago. If you have a friend that "makes" you decide between them and someone else, then they arn't really a true friend. I don't know how helpful this is for you but hope it helped at least a little!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

"I haven't seen this little girl do anything yet to my daughter that would make her not welcome in my home. Lets just agree that you don't like her and I do, and leave it at that."
Then change the conversation topic.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on


I'd just tell your friend that you have not seen the behavior in the the little girl that your friend is complaining about. I might also mention that you feel a little judged by her comments about "I wouldn't want my child to play with a child "like that"".

Good luck,

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Three great responses already! I notice you're getting your masters in Education? Elementary? Secondary? Either way, you'll get to see this drama "live and in-person" quite frequently. Consider the advice you just got.

It's perfectly okay for you to tell your friend that a) you have heard her concerns, b) you're sorry but you haven't noticed the same things, c) you appreciate that she has mentioned it, and it will help you monitor the friendship so you can be there for your daughter if things do start to change.

It's quite possible that her daughter and this other girl simply don't mesh well... Nobody wants their child to feel excluded, but your daughter should be able to choose her friendships without pressure from someone else just because of that someone else's experiences. It's like when you enjoyed a movie and your best friend hasn't--it doesn't mean you're incompatible, you just took different attitudes with your experience.

Be kind to your friend, it's probably her way of letting you know that she's just as hurt as her daughter.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Medford on

I think you are handling this really well. Your daughter will benefit from experiencing and handling these kinds of situations, and so will the other girl, who will learn that being mean can lead to loss of friendships. Your friend is off base and insecure. I would tell her that your daughter needs to choose her friends and whether she wants to play with them, and if this friend is mean to her she will deal with it, and talk it over with you.
You are not a terrible mom, far from it. You are very down to earth, and your friend is not much of a friend.



answers from Richland on

Great responses. Another angle here is that the friends daughter started the "tiff" or antagonizes the other little girl out of jealousy towards the friendship with your daughter? Or the other little girl is doing it when no one else knows?'s the circle of life and there are always going to be relationships in turmoil as the kids grow up. It's tough, but use the words of advice to talk to your friend and try and let the girls work out their differences.



answers from Seattle on

Hello L.,

I'm with you! I'm the mom of an 8-year-old girl, and I work hard to empower her to make choices about playmates. Only once have I had to intervene. Frequently we talk about what is kind behavior, what is unkind, and what she can tolerate in other children's behavior.

I would make it clear to your friend that the child in question has never created any problems in your presence and that you do not appreciate that she bad mouths the little girl. As I witness all the time, different combinations of kids create different chemistries. Let your friend know how you feel about her apparently judging you, but do so in a kind, relaxed way.

Although I experienced plenty of bullying as a child, I don't think children learn positive social skills if the parent is always playing absolute gatekeeper. Children learn by experiencing and figuring things out with some adult support.

Good luck!

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