My Fiancé and I Live Together and We Both Have Older Children. My Daughters Hav

Updated on December 18, 2017
L.P. asks from Lynbrook, NY
8 answers

My daughters had children first and we opened up 529 college accounts for them. We had a set amount that we put in 250 for Christmas 1000 for christenings and other significant events and 150 for birthdays. His daughter just had a baby and he opened an account for him, but he did it on his own, first he said he put 1750 in from his boss and added 250 for Christmas from us and then today he said he put 1500 from his boss and he is buying stock. It is a blood grandchild I get it but we have always maintained that they are our grandchildren, yet when he refers to his daughters son he references is grandson, not ours and he lied about the 529 account, I just don't know how to handle it.

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answers from Portland on

TF summed it up really well.
If you're not liking how he handles stuff now ... why make it all complicated and then really not like it ...
I agree - I wouldn't like dishonesty either (who would?).
How would I handle it? Well - I left a man I was with for years when I found out he was lying to me. We had a life together and I thought were going to get married.
I consider it one of the wisest things I ever did.
It was also the bravest thing I ever did.
I was worth it. My mom told me that - I give that advice to women on here all the time. I believe you are worth it.
Why settle for someone who lies to you?
You don't have to - is all.
That would be my advice.
Diane has good advice on how to handle finances. So if you decide to do counseling or something to sort out the lying/trust issue - you might then want to set up an agreement like that.

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answers from Dallas on

If he's dishonest before you marry him,,, you know he'll be dishonest after you marry him.

Is this the daughter having a christening for her baby that you feel your children were slighted by not being invited to the christening?

I personally would not tolerate dishonesty. You don't say his long he's been fiancé but if I were you I'd seriously reconsider a life with someone known to be dishonest. Top that off with his children who obviously have no respect for you or your children.


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

From this post and your last one, it really sounds like there's a disconnect between you and your fiancé about what constitutes "family" and what constitutes "relationship."

Usually, the best thing to do is to really sit down and hash out the finances beforehand. Most people I know who have kids separately set up 3 bank accounts: Parent A account for self and kids, Parent B account for self and kids, and Joint Account for household bills to be shared either equally or proportionally in terms of income. So:

- Account A would be you, your kids, college, braces, your personal expenses such as clothing and gym membership or manicures or whatever. You decide how it gets spent and he has no say unless there's an impact on him (like you are buying cigarettes and smoking up the house).
- Account B would be his for his kids/grandkids, college, braces, personal expenses such as clothing and gym membership and, say, his golf games. You have no say on this except as above with the cigarettes example.
- Account C would be for your house, mortgage, repairs, car/home insurance, dinners out, groceries, patio furniture, gas, etc. You agree ahead of time on what the contribution formula will be, based on your respective incomes.

Your problem is not the 529 account. Your problem is that he lied to you. You two do not have a good agreement in place and you don't have trust. That's a huge red flag. Why are you living with someone you don't trust and who doesn't trust you? Why have you blended finances when you don't agree with each other or respect each other?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

It does feel unfair for sure, but it sounds like the extra money is coming from his boss, not from your joint money, so there really isn't much you can do about it. The lying is something to definitely be concerned about, and if you plan to combine finances after marriage you will need to have a serious talk about whether or not he would feel these unequal payments would still be appropriate when it is shared money. I would talk all of this out before considering getting married.

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answers from New York on

In reality, you are not married. That means you get to do what you think is best, and so does he. He is right - it isn't both of your grandson. It is his grandson and your, well nothing other than your fiance's grandson. If that is his only child, perhaps he feels it is unfair that your side will get a higher overall total. Perhaps he makes more money than you and feels like it should be split pro rata by income. In any event, you aren't married, you have been playing house for obviously quite some time, I think I'd focus that that rather than nickle and dime differences between grandkids.

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answers from Dallas on

Well if you don't trust him you should not be with him. And if you have been with him for 10 years isn't that an awful long time to be engaged and not get married. Sounds like he wants to keep everything separate.
But the amount that his boss gives him you can't really say much about if it's a gift to go to the grandson.

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answers from Norfolk on

We seem to have a lot of shacked up posters lately.
I really wish people would take the time to get to know one another before having sex and moving in together.
It would be nice if they did it before having kids too - but I digress.

He's proud he has a grandson - who isn't?
Most grandparents are absolutely giddy that their offspring have managed to reproduce.
Especially if the adult kids are employed and ready to raise their own family.
He's not ready to say "our" instead of instead of "my".
He's feeling possessive for right now - it's a new feeling for him - it's his first grandchild.
So what?

As for the 529 account.
College is certainly expensive and that will fall mostly on the kids parents.
Grandpa might feel the 'grow it slow' approach isn't fast enough for him.
Investing in the stock market is still investing - and it might pay off - and if it does then he'll be able to help with college expenses.
For a lot of people though - the stock market is just fancy gambling.
As with any gamble - you don't gamble with money you can't afford to lose - because you might lose it.

You and your significant other are not on the same page when it comes to grand parenting.
Take some time to think and talk things over and decide if your differences turn out to be a deal breaker or not.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I wouldn't expect a man I'm about to marry to see my grandchildren as "his" because they're not. Of course I would expect him to loving and respectful but that's all.
I also wouldn't marry a man who lies about finances.
If you have a nice time together then just keep dating. Why get married at all? Keep the family and money out of it and just enjoy each other's company.

1 mom found this helpful
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