My Family Is in Crisis, HELP!

T.,
I first want to echo a couple of things Tiffany said. I commend you on staying cool and diplomatic. That is very important. Also I agree with you trying to listen to both sides. Everyone wants to be heard. I also think that perhaps family counciling may be needed. Since you were not home at the time we do not know how the argument went so I have no advice on that. Hang in there and know that you are supported by all of us mamas. If I had a magic wand I would wave it and make it all better.
M. M.

T., your family is in crisis, I agree. I'm going to give you some suggestions that worked for me. They may not work for you. Take what you feel will work for you and ignore the rest.

In the first place, your husband cannot kick a 15 year old out of the house. That is against the law. He is still a minor and you are responsible for him.

I see that you have had a lot of major issues with your son but both your son and husband have anger management issues. I would highly recommend family counseling if you are going to keep your family together. You have responsibilities to your son that preceded your marriage. You came as a package deal and your husband has to understand that. If he balks at counseling, remind him of that.

Now, if your son has a diagnosis of anything, even ADHD, then you have a right to go to the school and request an IEP for him. If you can take a counselor with you, it really helps. You may have to pay the counselor for the time but they speak the same language the school speaks and will be on your side. With an IEP, they cannot kick him out of school (suspension or expulsion) if the reasons are related to his diagnosis. Do some research on IEPs. IEP = Individual Education Plan

Now, this latest blowup was over music. Kids play music very loud and they don't like to be told to cut it down. I'm 59 and had the same battle with my parents. My son and I had the same battle. But, there is a simple solution to that one -- earphones.

I admire you for your history of listening to your son. It appears that your husband does not go along with this. Here's a suggestion for that issue that I found worked. Write down an agenda for a family business meeting. Include what everyone wants to cover - give them a chance to put their issues on the agenda. Give them a day or two to think about what they want to say. Then use an ordinary kitchen timer. Pass it around. Each person gets a turn with the timer and that is their turn to talk until the timer buzzes. Everyone else has to listen and all words must be respectful with no profanity. I found that a one hour meeting is about as long as attention spans can allow. If you're not done, take a break. Have a snack together. Then go for another hour. One rule - nothing from the past is brought up - only current issues. Have someone make notes and then go over the notes at the end of the meeting. This is when you create agreements that are satisfactory to all who are at the meeting.

One thing to keep in mind. Your son is 15. You have been married for 3 years. That means he was 12 when you married. He may have felt that he was the "man of the house" and your husband is an interloper. I had that issue when I remarried. My son was 15 and had been the only male in the house for 10 years. The family meeting will help with that.

I hope some of this helps you.

T., I want to first commend you on the diplomatic way you are attempting to handle this hairy situation. I am sure that keeping your cool is going to play a very important role in the untangling of this knot..

It sounds to me like the bond between step-F and son suffered a lapse in the beginning. Unfortunately I believe that is the key, they really need that foundation of trust then the respectful behavior just comes naturally.

It also sounds like your husband is playing a very dangerous role in exacerbating these problems. Kids, for better or for worse are still developing into the people they make of themselves and it's uber-important that they are given the space and blessings to do that with supervision. But if the adults in a developing child's life take their crazy behavior and flippant words/attitudes personally and allow themselves to become reactionary it only serves to enforce the disrepectful behavior. On the other hand a calm, rational response to disrespectful behavior encourages the youth to think about their actions instead of being hung up in the drama of being yelled at while their adrenaline and endorphins are pumping. It also makes a great example for the kid to follow. So maybe they BOTH need Anger Mngmt. , maybe they could simply attend a group of you have those resoureces.

I fully agree with the way you give your son the floor and allow him to say his piece, I think that is essential for a child to know that he is heard. But it is equally important that he listen to the rational, calm constructive criticism given by you and your husband and there should be consequences for him is he will not respect your responses with attentive silence. His diagnoses are not an excuse, they exist and cuase real problems I am sure but you know when he is doing his very best because you can feel it in your gut.

It sounds as though you are doing all you can, and depending on medicine even to help you contain the energy boiling in your household. Sorry to say this but Step-F has a VERY important job to do and he cannot possibly do it until he acknowledges (to you and the boy) his attempts aren't working and it's time for a change and soon, the boy will be grown in a blink.

Best of luck, that's all I have.

T.

I think that counseling is wonderful, and hopefully will help. If you get a good psychologist specializing in adolescent issues, they can implement some very good cognitive-behavioral therapy that can turn a child around. Most kids will respond to this. Try positive reinforcement and conditioning, if you are not familiar with these terms, it just means that you reward GOOD and WANTED behaviors. Make sure you reward him with something he really cares about (like a later curfew, Money, etc.) and not things he gets all of the time. The BEST way to handle it is to be CONSISTENT, it will not work unless there are immediate consequences and rewards. I recommend this book, Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Foster W. Cline (Author), Jim Fay (Author), your library should have a copy, if not, Amazon.com sells it.

Hey T.,

There is too much here to clean up in one response. So I will be brief and curt out of need for space. Please know my heart goes out to your family. And also that getting the whole family in counseling, son alone(already goes), you alone, you and hubby for marital, and then all 3 of you for family dynamics. Nothing long term, just 6mo - 1yr depending on the therapist's recommendations. I am retired from counseling and what I point out below would be only that of my opinion and based on the limited information you could provide in this forum.

You son: Has behavior issues that need to be addressed. He was 12 when you remarried. An age where adjusting is difficult due to hormones, adolescents and life, then add a blended family to that and bang. I would guess he would be angry. He has a diagnosis of ADHD. This really should only effect his energy level, ability to concetrate, comprehension, focusing on tasks and grades. His mood should not be altered because his having ADHD and his respect for parents and authority figures should remain. You should ask his therapist if he is also diagnosed with ODD. If so, then you would be in need of more aggressive behavior modification tools. And No! beatings are not the answer. It sounds like your hubby is one extreme and you almost the other. Somewhere in the middle may be needed.

You hubby: He has poor parenting skills and anger outburst issues too! Has he ever parented a child and a teenager? If your son has several issues, then resolving any of them, requires you both to choose your battles wisely with him, as he can't learn from the important ones if he is being nagged over little ones to the point that every little thing is the end of the world, he will just shut down and ignore all discipline. Depending on the severity of discipline concerns with your son, I would guess blaring the radio is not the worst thing and well it should never escalate to being thrown out. Your hubby should never think he has the right to kick out a minor, much less a minor that is not his child. The dynamics here, require you two to get on a united front for parenting your children and that anything major like removing your son from the home, be well discussed and agreed upon by both of you. Not done in an instaneous and well heated argument while you are at the store. Your hubby has a hot head too and would benefit from counseling where he learns more appropriate parenting skills that would yield him better results. Tell him that it is very normal to not know how to parent. (I personally with all my training have to work hard to stay in parenting mode too! It is very easy to get tired or irritated and want to just yell, or argue with the child. But then I have to remember I am not the child, but the parent. This does not mean I'm the dictator. Instead I am the parent, the adult, the teacher and the role model. I am the example I want my kids to grow into.) If your hubby can handle it, counseling alone for him may help alot.

The issues here are only surface. So again, I highly recommend family counseling as a unit but then also individual sessions. As for getting them to think alike, etc. This is not likely to happen due to life experiences and age. But you could try to get the whole family on the same team. So maybe a family sport or activity. One where no one can be bossy or condescending to another. Another important thing would be a physical activity that is not too strenuous, like light walking or jogging, done as a family. It would help to redirect extra energy, teach breathing skills needed for anger, improve circulation and breathing, as well as health for each of you. It also would increase the amount of good brain chemistry. I suspect your blood pressure would benefit the most. And the family would be together.

This is just one mini crisis in your family. And as time passes and you get further away from this event, you may feel inclined to go on with life and forget that the family is in need of some counseling. I know we are too busy and it seems hard enough to get the other stuff done, so finding time for therapy seem impossible. I can only tell you that it is important to get the skills you need by seeing a trained AND liscensed professional. Please make time for yourself, your hubby and your son to see a counselor. And also look for behavior outburst to worsen in the 9yr old and 5 yr old. They are absorbing all the poor dynamics they witness and will repeat them as they age if something doesn't change.

All I have done is pointed out the obvious, and hope that my bluntness gives you the ability to see that some professional intervention is needed. It can get better, so I do pray that you whole home and family finds peace soon!

Best Wishes and Many Prayers,
-MB

PS... this is nothing severe, YET. Your family is beyond normal and this is super fixable.

I agree that some counseling needs to take place. It might be a good idea for you and your husband to take some parenting classes together and form a cohesive, united plan of action. I highly recommend the Love and Logic approach. I just went to some workshops at my daughter's school. Even though she's only 6 and our issues pale by comparison to yours, things have calmed down tremendously around here.

If it were me, the husband would have to find a new place to live.
NOBODY kicks MY child out of MY home. NOBODY raises their hand to MY child.
When my husband and I met, I had a teenage daughter from a previous relationship. When he asked me to marry him, I made it clear before I said yes that I would ALWAYS put her needs before his, and that if that was a deal-breaker for him, then so be it.

I hate to say it, but Hubby's right! From what you have said,your son has no respect or consisent discipline. Where is his bio dad? Apparently your son has already produced a child? You need to save what's left of your family! It was never your husband's job to discipline your child, as it is not yours to discipline his.It sounds like the acting out started when the new hubby came on the scene. Whipping your kids does not mean beating them, and now you know the results of sparing the rod. Your son has anger issues, because he was allowed to act the way he does. Your husband, I assume, works hard for your family, and you want to have him understand your son? The boy is out of control, and too big to whip now. He's acting like this in front of his younger siblings. I would recommend you either send him to the father, or have the court send him to a military camp for youth offenders. If you don't, it's only going to get worse. What if he does something to your husband, your kids, or even you? The world is worse than the 80's, even more reason for strict discipline! The ones of us who do control our kids have to deal with the ones that don't. That is not fair to our children, who wonder why kids act like that!A well disciplined child is a joy!

I truly believe the answer lies in therapy. The ADHD, anger management, and discipline problems can all be addressed there, and the doctor can prescribe appropriate medication. Check this out.

First, I would pray. "For nothing is impossible with God." The continue the counseling sessions. See if all three of you can go. If your husband won't go, pray for a softening of heart. I have and ADD son and without getting to personal can say that I empathize with your problem. Turn to God for the little things. He will not be outdone in generosity towards you.

For the health of everyone involved, and for the future of the son you love, get him some real help with his anger (as well as family counselling for everyone). Don't back down, and do it now. And don't give him the ADHD excuse (ADHD is real, but should not be used as an "excuse").

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Choose a good Christian counselot for your family. I think you could all benefit from it. Both your husband and your son have issues.
You were your son's mother before you were your husbands wife. You HAVE to put the safety and well being of your child before your husbands.