My Ex Wants to See My Daughter

Okay first of all you're a great mom and you're not wrong for trying to shelter your daughter from an abusive man. You are doing the right thing by making him take this to court. My first question would be how old is your daughter? If she's 3 then she probaby doesn't even remember him if has hasn't been around in 2 years but if she's older then probably does. Second, what kind of memories does she have of him? Good? Bad? Has he hurt her before? I come from a similar situation that you do so I can totally relate to the fear and worry that you feel. We weren't living in Florida at the time so I'm not sure what the laws are here but here are some pointers. Have you kept a journal of times he's called, said he would and didn't, abuses, threats, visitations in the past, anything that you can log down can usually help in the court system. Has he paid child support at all? That will matter because if he has that will show that he is willing to support at some level. If he hasn't then you need to go back and get that back child support and make him start paying. That alone may deter him from going any further. Does he have money to get a lawyer to take you to court or is this just meager threats to scare you into letting him see her? The reason I say that you're doing the right by making him take this to court is because one, you need to make sure he wants to see his daughter bad enough to pay the money and take the time. Also, you need to express your concerns to a judge that you're worried about your daughter's safety and ask for supervised visitation...at least until he can prove himself worthy. The judge will appoint someone who is neutral or someone that you feel comfortable with. The judge in my case appointed my mother. :) The most important thing is if it looks like your husband is going to pursue this, contact a good lawyer and get some sound advice. Finally, if it does come down to you two going to court and he does get visitation, just take it one step at a time. It's been 11 years and I still hate it when my son goes to his dad's but so far nothing has physically happened to him. (Sadly enough most times it takes something to happen before the court system will do anything about it.) We live hours away from his dad and it's to the point now my son only wants to visit a couple times a year for only days at a time because his dad's temper makes him nervous. My lawyer said that since he's 11 you can't force him to go if he doesn't want to. Fortunately his dad doesn't force him to do what he doesn't want to either. He may try to manipulate or throw a tantrum but I don't let them intimidate me and my son's smart enough to make up his own mind. The most important thing about all of this...you have to do what the judge says but go into the courtroom calm and collected and plead your case from your heart. Don't get mad or angry. Show the judge how scared your are for your daughter's safety. And although you have to do what the judge says, you don't have to do what everyone else says. You are your child's main protector. She is counting on you to keep her from all harm. So don't let anyone tell you you're wrong in doing this. If your ex is violent, then there is a chance that he will hurt your daughter. Sometimes fathers will hurt their own children for the sole purpose of hurting their exes...not because they want to hurt their kids. It's a deformed way of thinking but it's true. And until you live in this kind of hell no one can have any idea what you're going through. My prayers are with you, D., and keep being a strong, independent role model for your daughter!!!

YOU GO GIRL!!!! Let him take you to court and make documentaion and anything and everything he has said and done for the past 2 years. I think you will have no problems with this one!!!
Good Luck and keep us posted:)

Without knowing anything about the father I can say this your daughter is not just yours, even though you did give birth to her. She does have a father and she needs to have a father in her life. Research has proven that girls who do not have a good relationship with their father are more likely to use drugs, have sex at a young age etc. Your daughter needs this relationship just like every child needs a mother. I spent years trying to have a children when my daugther was born I hogged her. My husband never complained but now my daughter only wants me to do everything. I realize as much as I love her and like doing everything for her she needs her father otherwise she will have problems when she is older. I would first of all try to determine what her father has done to correct his violent nature, everyone needs a chance to change and be forgiven for their past. Maybe he isn't violent anymore and deeply wants to rebuild a relationship with his daughter, how can you stop that?? After 2 yrs a person just doesn't want to come back into someone's life unless they have changed. This child is not yours but both of yours. If she is old enough then maybe she should be involved in the situation, if not then you really need to put her first. From your question I sensed a lot of anger and hurt you feel towards the father and I think that is clouding your judgement. I know it is hard to let go of how we feel towards someone when they really hurt us but in this case you need to. I know you love your daugther and want the best but it really sounds like you are putting your feelings and hatred for the father above her needs. I couldn't imgine leaving my daughter for a night without me if my husband and I were divorced but that is selfish on my part and it sounds like you are letting your feelings get involved. Your boyfriend is no substitue for her father. If you keep her away from her dad she could end up resenting you in the future. I think dragging family issues into court is a sign of how sad our soceity has become. If everybody just put their children first instead of letting the anger towards the other partner first then our children would be in a better place. If you really feel for the safety of your child then yes go to court and get supervised visits and let him show he has changed. Think back did he really ever get violent with his daughter? I wish your family the best especially your daughter and remember every child needs their father. Think about forgiveness and look towards the future, maybe he is different and deserves a chance but never put the child in a situation she could get hurt in. IF he did beat her (not spanking her but really hurting her) then get supervised visits only. Praying always helps too.

I understand your concerns. You sound like a good mother who is trying to protect your daughter. I would suggest supervised visits and some couseling for him. Let him know that you would love for you and your daughter to have a healthy loving relationship (afterall the best way to teach your daughter to have healthy loving relationships is by example) but that you are concerned about his past problems. Tell you want to work through it together and start off slowly. There are lots of family counseling programs out there - and some great free ones that churches and other organizations provide. Keep being the great Mom that is sounds like you are. Good luck with it all and God Bless you and your family.

As someone who was that child, I would say no. During my parent's divorce my father decided to say that my borther and I were not his children. We had to take blood tests, and he said they were fixed. Let your daughter see her when she is old enough to decide on her own that she wants to see him. Fifteen years later, I finally went to visit him last year. I was not ready before that, and resented anyone that tried to tell me I should see him.

protect your child at any cost. but be careful not to become the one to blame when she is older. i am the child of a dangerous man or so i was told constantly. my mom often claimed me. just as you have claimed your daughter. as a teen i was very angry at her for claiming me like an object i blamed her, for him not being in my life and i applied every ill spoken word about my father to my discription. whats worse is i never said a word. i internilized every thought and emotion and to this day i have never told her.
to this day i still see myself as the worst of him and i believe my mothers life would have been better if i were never born.

Let him take you to court. You are doing the right thing.

He was stupid enough to say in court infront of the judge that she was not his. All that should be documented in court papers. So if he tries to take you to court to get visitation, the judge will see that, and deny him. If it is a different judge, all you have to do is prove he is a unfit father, and the judge will deny him any rights he might or could of had.

Dear D., For what its worth I agree with you. Maybe your ex's urge to see YOUR daughter will only be a phase and the court process will discourage him and if it doesn't then at least you'll know he is serious. and have more time to prepare. My thoughts will be with you! Good Luck Peace&Love, A.

when you went to court, was there a paternity test done? what were the results?

I would take him to court also. if he is abusive, you can get court supervised. when you say almost nothing to do with her, what does that mean. after a certain amount of time, you can see about getting him with abandoment. then you can have his rights taken. has he been paying child support? this complicates things. get a good family attorney (understand that means high expenses) and see what your rights are and what you can do to protect your daughter.

It is very refreshing to know that I am not the only woman out there with issues similar to yours. You have gotten so many responses! Good for you! I definitely agree with your decision and am curious as to what has come of it if, if anything. If you ever want any more support..or just to vent...I would love to get in contact. I too have a violent ex, but have been VETY blessed with my new wonderful husband. May God continue to bless your family ad your boyfriend/his daughter as well!!!

C.
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I would do the same thing you are. Especially since he has already denied her. I would make him take you to court and make him pay for a paternatiy test. But I would also make it very clear thgat he is a violent man and you would fear for your daughters safety if she were with him. I would also demand child support. If he wants to play daddy then make him. Make it hard for him. And I wouldnt let him see her until everything was done legally.

A.

Let him take you to court. If you feel like he will hurt your child in any way then it is your job as her mother to protect her. No one else in the world will so it's up to you. Start now documenting every interaction that goes on with you and your ex. Keep a journal and dig up any documentation you have that might show a violent tendency with him. You will have to prove your case of child endangerment with him to the court to have a hope for supervised visitations or full custody without visitations. I know a case where the step-mother was abusing the child and the father was allowing it but 2 judges in 2 counties did nothing to stop it and Children and Families didn't care. You have to fight for your daughter's protection at all cost. You are doing the right thing by making him contest it since he is the one who relinquished his rights during the divorce.

sometimes as long as its being done in a safe way its better for the child to know their father with my childrens father i have made him do supervised visists where myyself or another trusted adult has been with them while they are together but that aslo depends on if he has ever hurt her my kids father has shown voilance towards me and his current girlfriend but never not once has he showen that side to his daughters by all means i dont intend to give him that chance by letting him be alone with them but they do enjoy their time with him so as long as he plays by my rules i allow him to see them i know either way this is not an easy choice to make i hope everything works out for you and ur daughter but when it comes down to it you are her mother and as some one else said its your job to protect her what has worked for me may not be a workablr option for you or some one else in this spot i would def. agree that he should not be alone with her at all becareful going to court if he dont have proof of the voilent behavior they may grant him visits unsupervised only you now how voilent this man is so just know i'm sure others will agree regaurdless of what anyone says you know the right choice for your daughter good luck