My Daughters Boyfriend

Updated on September 02, 2014
M.B. asks from Bedminster, NJ
8 answers

My daughter is 14 years old and her boyfriend is 15 and and a half and i have been having problems with her since she started dating him. Her best friend is dating his best friend and i found out that she has been sneaking around behind my back and seeing him at her friends house when she knows shes not allowed to see him unless im around. Her friends parents are pretty lenient if u know what i mean and im sure they are not keeping an eye on the situation. So i have warned her about haniging out with him over there and it dosent seem to have phased her. Also shes been lying to me and asking to stay with her friend for.cheerleading practice aftrr school but i found out she was just doing that to hangout with him for an extra hour after school and he lives within walking distance of the school. I have told her i would take her to do.things with him as long as i.supervise butnshe dosent want to do that she dosent want me to meet him at all and tells me she hates me every time tell.her what my rules.are for being around boys because shes notnallowed to date till shes 16. She is really hurting my feelings what should

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answers from Chicago on

Give her some rope to spend time with him.
If not, she will continue to lie to you to be with him anyway. And the more you put restrictions on her and try to lock her down, the more creative and determined she will be.
Take it from someone that did exactly that as a 15 yr old.

And yes, I WAS having sex with my boyfriend. So I would suggest arming her with information, rather than trying to stop it. You will fail.

8 moms found this helpful

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I think you already know what you need to do. You tell the other parents that you will no longer be allowing your daughter to come to their home since they are allowing underage socializing between your daughter a boy. That you have said she is not to be around him unless you are supervising their actions.

These parents may have been told anything and they may not even know she's not supposed to be doing this.

You also need to contact his parents and let them know she's restricted and why. They may not know where their kiddo has been and what lies he's been telling them too.

Also, you are the parent and yes, you should not allow her to do anything that you don't take her to and stay there and then bring her home.

When she asks why or yells at you that you're being mean simply remind her that you did trust her. That her own choices to sneak around and see him have made it impossible for you to trust her right now and once trust is broken it takes a long time to repair it.

Tell her she has until Christmas to prove herself to you and that she is trustworthy and will tell you the truth and do obey this rule about the boyfriend.

If you don't it is likely she'll end up pregnant. Kids without proper supervision don't make great choices.

My friend that grew up with parents that didn't think the kids needed supervision ended up with 4 kids by the time she was 20. Her parents had a wonderful basement. Tons of kids from high school hung out at their house every evening. They had low lights and bar lights over the pool table. It had a juke box and big speakers, a totally cool place for the teens to hang out.

Problem was over half of her senior class had at least one child before they graduated, if they even finished high school. Guess how many of them got pregnant in her basement...almost every one if them because no adults were around helping to make sure these kids weren't faced with adult choices before they should have been.

Your daughter has shown you that she isn't mature enough or smart enough or old enough to date. I think you are very right that she should not be allowed to see him alone. She's making bad choices and lying about it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

the romeo and juliet syndrome is alive and well in young teenagers. and boy, are you fanning the flames.
it's pretty silly of you to even pretend that you won't allow her to date until she's 16. she's 2 years younger and you acknowledge that she both has a boyfriend and spends time alone with him. so this paradigm of unreality and dishonesty is already prevalent. it's sad but not really surprising that the communication between you and your daughter is fraught with tension.
so quit wallowing in your hurt feelings (this is so not about you) and pretending that you have house rules that anyone pays attention to. you have already tacitly agreed that your daughter can date, and i actually agree with you there. i always felt that putting arbitrary age rules on kids is kind of ridiculous. all 16 year olds are not created equal, and unless you are riding 24/7 herd on your teenager (a recipe for disaster) you can't prevent her from liking who she likes and feeling what she feels.
you can and should be putting limits on where she goes and how she spends her time, and i can't for the life of me figure out why you have been allowing her to hang out at a 'lenient' friend's house and are now all shocked and horrified that she has been taking advantage of the leniency. and it's silly for YOU to have go over there. why on earth are you not opening up your home to this boy?
you really need to change the dynamic of your discussions with your daughter, and yesterday. lying is not acceptable and should result in total grounding, period. i myself have zero tolerance for dishonesty, and it would result in house arrest. not for long- but for several days, which seems like a lifetime to a teen. and during that house arrest i'd make sure that i talked with my kid, even more than the usual amount (and i spent a lot of time yakking with my teens.) she'd know that i understood her romantic longings (because i remember being 14 and sympathize) and support her growing need to separate and become an adult. i'd let her know my concerns about early dating, hormones, sex, pregnancy and STDs, as well as the psychological and emotional impact of choosing to become sexually active at such a young age. i would assure her that while it was my job to keep her safe and i would absolutely do that (even if she hated me for it) i was invested in her happiness and would do all i could reasonably do to accommodate her and allow her growing freedoms and rights and responsibilities, but that it would happen on my timeline and according to how much she demonstrated that she was ready for them. and that lying to me about anything would bring freedom and privileges to a screeching halt. i would encourage the boy to be at my home, but never behind closed doors. i would not hang around and micromanage them, but i would be nearby and alert. and i would make sure that my home was a happy place for them to be, with movies and snacks and laughter and welcome.
you are training her to be an adult. you need to model that.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

What reasons do you have not to trust your daughter?

It would bother me tremendously if my daughter didn't want me to meet her boyfriend but then again I never told my daughter she could not date until she was 16. Honestly, I think that is a lousy rule.

If your daughter is a good, responsible kid with good grades and is actively involved in extracurricular activities, I would tell her you changed your mind about not dating until she is 16 but that you absolutely must meet him.

I can also say that my 16 yo daughter has friends over all the time. Probably because we feed them well and leave them be when they are here.

Good luck!!!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Time to talk to this girl's parents. Ask them if they understand that their girl is being used as a way for your daughter to spend unsupervised time with her boyfriend. Tell them that your daughter is hateful and doesn't even want you to meet the boyfriend, and that's a huge red flag and you do NOT want to become a grandmother right now.

They need to hear this. Don't sugarcoat it. They might have their heads in the sand about what their daughter is probably doing with their boyfriend, but you don't.

The next thing you have to do is contact the boy's parents. Talk to them about the problem you are having. Don't lay this problem on their son's shoulders. Instead, tell them that you both have teens and it's important that everyone understands what is going on. Ask them for their help in enforcing rules that are for their protection.

The rules OUGHT to be that they are with a GROUP of kids, not alone. That he is at your house when you are at home. If she is going to his house, then his parents are there. No more going to the friend's house. That's not working. And if she continues her nasty attitude to you, she goes nowhere. He can only come to your house. NO closed doors, by the way. She does NOT take him to her room and close the door.

And M., you need to take her to a female GYN. For all you know, she could be pregnant. Ask the doctor to talk to her about the importance of not getting pregnant. If you get static from the girlfriend's parents or the boy's parents, then maybe you need to be getting your daughter the depo-provera shot. You cannot keep her from having sex if she is bound and determined to do it. But you DON'T have to be a grandmother right now...

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

What should you do? Be a parent. That means sometimes you need to be the bad guy.

What was your warning? Whatever it was, you need to stand behind it.

NO, she cannot stay after school. NO, she cannot go over to her friends house. And she lied to you, which is completely unacceptable. That means she cannot have any guests over to your house for whatever period of time you think is appropriate - 2 weeks?

To some parents this may seem harsh, but if you don't set rules and stick behind them, then things will really get out of control. Also keep in mind that you need to be reasonable. You said you would take them places and supervise, that's great. But you don't need to supervise them every minute. They can hang out in the family room with the door open and watch a movie, while your in the next room. Let them hang out in the backyard. Take them to the movie theatre, they can watch a movie, while you watch a different movie.

But there seems to be a big question here - it appears that you haven't even met this boyfriend? Why hasn't he been to your house?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Tough love. She doesn't get to go to her friend's house now because she has proven herself to be untrustworthy. Now the friend must come to your house of they want to hang out. Same with after school - straight home - no stops. Remember, kids get in the most trouble from 3:00 pm - 6:00 pm because parents are working.

And PLEASE tell me you've met this boy.



answers from Anchorage on

Of course she needs to follow and respect your rules or there needs to be loss of privileges, but I also would not put my head in the sand. Take her to the doctor, let her learn about birth control and make a choice about what might work best for her. None of us want our teens to have sex, but it happens, and IMO one is better safe then sorry with it comes to teens and pregnancy.

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