My Daughter Won't Let Me Leave Her at All... and She Is 17 Months Old... HELP

B.-

Actually I have read that separation anxiety peaks at about 18 months. I have a son who is 20 months who is going through the same thing. I recently started going to a gym and leaving him at the daycare there, they have had to come and get me several times as well. My only advice is if at all possible try and stay with her a couple times. Instead of actually working out at the gym go there and play with her in the play area for a couple times to help her get used to it. That is what I did with my son and he is doing much better now. Also, a couple times that they did have to come and get me, I just went into the play area and read him a book or played with him for a little while and then went back to work out. What gym do you go to? Maybe we could work out together. Well I hope this helps, just give it time...I have been going for about 7 weeks now and my son still cries as soon as I leave him but he usually calms down soon after.

Good Luck,
B.

my son who is now three use to be the same way and i know you are tired of the crying everytime you leave but every kid is different as you probably already know and she just may take alot longer to get over the seperation anxiety my son got over this when he was like almost two so be patient and eventualy she will relize that you cant be there 24/7..

Mine don't stop... they go crazy crying until their heads begin spinning in circles. My son, age 3.5, cried for 1.5 hours today on his 3rd day of preschool (but, he's been through a lot of hospitalization and has a serious attachment to me and Dad). I just tell anyone who I leave my children with, don't hesitate to call me. I don't want them crying like that. I'm an at home mom and they are there for "fun". If it's not fun to them, it's not worth it.

My 15 month old, has never been able to be left with anyone besides Dad without hysterics that DO NOT STOP. And she hasn't been through any medical trauma, but she has been through some brutality from her brother who has catapolted through developmental phases aggressively as he has recovered from cancer treatment. I am her almight protector. So, she also has an unusual attachment to me.

I just submit to them. I understand... and I accept. This is a season and it won't last forever for either one of them because we are healthy, growing, and thriving. I socialize them by participating in play groups such as Salem Cooperative Indoor Park and Sunday school. I quit the gym. Because I have a long term plan to be there with them for a lot of their socialization, but hang back a little more and more and let them work things out and play on their own with the other kids more and more.

I take care of myself by bicycling. It was a great purchase and fun for all of us. We have the two seat trailer for times when I'm going alone and the upright back of the bike seat attachments (so the little one is right up next to me, right behind me). My husband carts our boy in the upright bike seat in his bike too. It's a great family activity and the baby's really like watching each other ride behind us on the bikes, when they are not sitting together in the trailer.

I don't have great advice on "forcing" them to be in childcare no matter the crying (I am a BIG sucker for the cry). I can only say that this is a season of usual or unusual attachment that you can be mature enough to submit to, accept, and tolerate. Put together a long term practice plan for socialization so that you have a "freedom" you are working toward. And find a way to take care of yourself or take breaks along with baby. It can be done.

God bless, YM

I have three children. They all went through separation anxiety at various stages. My youngest is 3-years-old and she still has a difficult time, whereas my oldest daughter is very independant and enjoyed being dropped off at church and/or preschool when she was less than a year old. I have learned to arrive early at church or preschool so that I can spend time with my youngest and help her acclimate. Normally I look for a teacher with good PR skills to take over when I leave. (I try not to sneak out - I make a big deal about hugs and kisses goodbye.) If all else fails, what everyone else is saying is true - the crying only lasts until you leave the front door! Consider it to be a mini-guilt trip!

My daughter was the same way. She just turned two, and now she is able to stay with a babysitter, or in the church nursery, or home with Daddy without crying. Be patient, and I'm sure she'll grow out of it soon. If it's any consolation, they usually stop after a few minutes.

J.

My daughter will be 2 next week, and she won't let me leave her with people she doesn't know either, but she's starting to recover much faster than she did just a few months ago. I read that separation anxiety peaks at around 18 mos, so you may be right at the height of it right now. I will get better, though. It just might take a while.

You are lucky to have your son stop that at such a young age. I read that the seperation stage doesnt even start until 18 months. Maybe you should enroll her and your son in a day care for a few hours per day maybe 2 or 3 days per week. that way the teachers who are EXPERTS belive me can deal with it until she grows out of it. and that way they'll get used to other people without you. You can have a couple freedom day's every week. Hope it helps.

Hi B.,
My advice is pretty much the same as everyone elses. My daughter started it around the time her brother was born (18 months). She would throw screaming tantrums at church and with others. I just kept dropping her off and assuring her that I or daddy would be back. It took her a while and was hard b/c she was familiar with everywhere she went. I cried SO MUCH b/c she acted miserable and started even throwing tantrums at home (b/c of new brother). She is now three and VERY well adjusted, loves to be dropped off, and was not afraid when we moved. I just had patience, loved her, and prayed for her. Keep up the good work!
R.

Try giving her a picture album or book that she can flip through while you're gone. I made one using this website and my kids love their own 'books.' Check it out.
www.bookyourphotos.com

I've heard the advice over and over to just leave them and they'll stop crying in a few minutes, perhaps even 10 or 15. And sometimes that works and sometimes you just have to do it.

When I drop off my 3 yo grandson at his current day care home I hold him for awhile until he gets down and plays. Sometimes it's just 10 or 15 minutes and sometimes it's 30. I can do this because I have the time and I'm a grandma which makes it OK for me to "spoil" him. And Eva, his caretaker, doesn't mind. In fact we enjoy our own conversation during that time.

His previous caretaker was the drop him off and go sort. I did stay for a few minutes until she got him involved in doing something. But he started crying several blocks away and was so clingy when I got him out of the car that I started holding him for 5 or 10 minute before taking him inside. It was summer. That worked too.

I think that often when a child clings and cries for a long period of time they need extra reassurance. And it's necessary to find a way to given them that. If your philosophy is to drop them off and let them cry then give them that extra holding some other time.

I decided to hold my grandson and stay with him even tho he does stop crying soon after I or his mother leave because he easily cries about a lot of things, seems overly sensitive and easily angered. He seems so content and close when I hold him and has become better behaved when he's around me. I can almost feel him absorbing the love energy . And I see that he is much more calm when I leave.

This is just an idea that might not apply for you but kids do sense emotions more strongly than most adults. Could she be picking up on your anxiety and/or frustration? That would make her more anxious. She's unable to know why you're having strong feelings. She just knows that something is amiss and she's afraid.

I also believe that if they cry for just a few minutes (mostly just until you're out of sight or until they get engrossed in play) that they are expressing their feelings about you leaving in a normal way. And so leaving them works for them. I didn't need to stay for very long with me granddaughter.

she is 17 months old? can she talk well enough to tell you why she is so afraid? Try a stuffed animal or a doll that she keeps with her until you get back, or try telling her that if she is good while away from you she will get treats. start with short periods and work to longer. I really cant think of anything else. hope this helps

I would make sure that you peek in on her at the nursery without her seeing you, Just to make sure that everything is going ok. I'm really over protective of my kids and my two babies can't talk to let me know what is going on when I'm not around when the sitter is her. So I occaionally peek in without any of them seeing me just to make sure that everything is ok, cause you just never know these days, there is a lot of crazy people and crazy things going on. And when the kids are little like that they usually don't just come out and tell you like a 12 year old would you know. And maybe she just feels uncomfortable around the daycare people cause kids sence when they just don't like someone, people have sence about them that they give off and kids pick it up quick. And even then it may not be all that maybe it could just be a stage that she is going through and shw will eventually grow out of it. My son went through the same thing when he was little but I think that was because I never really left him with anyone except my mom. So when I had to leave him with anyone else he was not use to them and he always thought that I was never coming back to get him that was his fear. So maybe you need to reasure her everytime you leave her. Be patient! Let us know what happens! Good luck!!

I reason why your daughter is acting this way is because your family moves around a lot. So she dosen't know who to trust anymore exept for you and your husband.

Every child is very different so it is unfair to compare them to each other. If she is only 17 months it is still very normal to go through this stage of seperation anxiety. My son was like this till he went to kindergarten basically. He loved it then. If you try to do things without familiar faces to watch over them, it will only get worse not better. Ask friend to watch him that he is familiar with or your family members If they are not available when you can go to the gym, You will have to do gym at home or with the child too. It is only for a short season but the affects will last for a life time if you ignore his fears now. Sometimes, it has to be about the child and working around them . Not all about us as adults who feel we deserve the time out without the kids. Of course we all need that , but at what risk at this time of the childs life when they need you most> If you are creative and not resentful, you can work out with the child too. It would be fun for them and for you if they are at peace and feeling more and more secure as they age which they all do in their own timing. Make believe you are her . Would you want the only security walking out on you? She is afraid for what ever reaons and needs you now.