My Daughter Is Getting Out of Control. Please Help!

I have a 4 year old as well. I found the technices on "supper nanny" work really good. I lay down the rules. When she's not following them I come down to her eye level and let her know she's getting a warning and I also point out the behavior that is not acceptable. If she continues to misbehave I sit her in the corner for 4 minutes (1 minute for every year that they are) after her time is up I let tell her "Reyna you were in time out for ......." I than make her say she's sorry and we give hugs and kissed. This works but you have to be consistent with it. There have been times she and I have been out shopping and she started to act up, I put her in the corner in the store. I acted like I wasn't looking at her but I was carefully watching her out of the corner of my eye. Her behavior has improved so much and now all I have to say is "warning" and she immediatly stops her negative behavior. Also give her lots of praise and love when she is does right. Spend time with her having fun. I take mine on mommy/daughter dates. If the father is involved have him do the same. Hope this helps

Keep in mind that this may not just be a phase. My oldest girl was like that from about 4 years on, I was told often that she had ADHD, but i wasn't one to medicate or lable such a little person. Now She is almost 8, she is behind in school and a lot of other things, because she was out of control. She has been on medicine for her extreme case of ADHD for 7 months now. The changes in her are amazing. She sits down for more than a few seconds, she doesnt break things or tantrum or any of the old poor behaviors, she's becoming a wonderful little person, and i have my daughter back.
I would have to suggest you talk to her doctor, maybe it is a phase, maybe it is something more.
C., 26, single mom of 3

First, please don't start hitting your child as Beth would have you do!!!! This is NEVER ok!!
As a former teacher of children this age, I recommend the book "Parenting with Love and Logic," which is the philosophy of giving children acceptable choices, and following through with consequences that are logical, natural, and never punitive. It's easy to read, and makes terrific sense. I use this philosophy with my 22 month old and will continue to do so until he is making his own decisions at age 18.
Good luck!!!

Mine is only 3, but we have been having major issues lately as well. Is it in the weather? Anyhow, we have been doing a lot of taking privelages away. Only thing that seems to work. I hope you can fine something that works. I am sorry.
BTW
I am in Beloit too :)

How much sleep does she get in a 24 hour period? Very, very common in our culture for kids to not get enough sleep and it has a profound effect on their behavior. Also take a close look at her diet. High fructose corn syrup, red dye #40, and sugary snacks all make my son much more difficult. Also kids with undiagnosed food sensitivities to gluten, dairy or other can have a lot of behavior issues that seem out of line for their age.

How long has this behavior been going on? If it is recent then it is probably a phase, but if it has been getting steadily worse then you do need to get some more help figuring out what methods will work best with her.

Is she in preschool or any other organized activities? If so, how does she behave there. That can tell you a lot about what might or might not work for her.

Do you have ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) in your area? They can help with some discipline techniques and other resources that can help you.

I also recommend Love and Logic and have the books on CD if you live in GB email me and I will borrow them to you. ____@____.com Another good book is 123 Magic. Not to start a debate but I have to add the "the rod" in the Bible was used to guide the sheep not to beat (or hit) them. Something to consider!

Hey K.,
I remember what it is like to be a single mom and it makes a already hard job even more challanging. Maybe she is looking for a reaction from you. Alot of kids like that negitive attention, a cry for more positive attention.
And at 4 they realize that they are a indiviual, and that they want choices.
I would start asking her for help around the houes, or letting her choose her clothing for the day, having 2 diffrent choices for her to chose from.
Maybe her feeling more involed will feel like you are listening to her and in return maybe she will start listening as well.
Hope that helps!

When you tell her to behave, or to stop doing something, are you doing it from another room? Have you tried, or do you, get down to her level and make her look at your face when you're telling her direction? I had similar problems with my kids, and I found that getting down to their level and talking to them rather than yelling from another room was much more effective. And grounding worked excellent with my son. He was having some issues at school with not behaving properly, and when I found out I started grounding him. First, I took away his tv time. He was only allowed to play with his toys or read books. Then he had another problem before he had even gotten his tv time back, and we took away his toys. At this point he was only allowed to sit in his room on his bed and think about his behaviors. Then we would go into his room a couple times a night to talk to him about how he is supposed to be behaving, and we haven't really had a problem since. And his new teacher has seen an incredible difference in his behaviors since. And my son is 5, he was 4 at the time that we did this.

I also have a four year old who gets out of control, so I know what you're going through! Time outs work well sometimes, but I've found that a reward system works really great. I actually got the idea from the Nanny show. I have a poster board with 7 days of the week, 3 smiley faces on each day velcro'ed under it. I explained the rules to him (no hitting, no yelling, no bad words). If at the end of the day he's followed all the rules and he has all at least one smiley face left, he gets a treat, like a popcicle, or something he chooses. At the end of the week, if he's done it everyday, he gets a happy meal. It seems to work very well, and I think it's worked better than any 'negative discipline'. He wants to do well, because he wants to be rewarded. I make a huge deal about it each day he has all his smiley faces--he also loves to see mommy act silly! :) Good luck!

K., no one can know your daughter as well as you do. I would talk to your doctor about it...but, I agree with the red dye its not only 40 though its 5 as well. Also, I used to be a daycare teacher and i am a mom with ADD myself and a 7 year old with it as well...I have never been medicated or have medicated my son. I have strict schedules and a very strict routine. I watch our diets closely.. I have eliminated most of the sugars (in breads, candy, drinks, etc.) also I watch preservitives. Red Dye is a bad one...and its found in A LOT of things even cereal that you wouldnt think it would be in. I know it sounds silly but simply writing down a schedule and keeping with it for a week will show you a change...Children need routine and need to know whats going on. If it is the same for them they will be more comfortable. Also, how much milk is she drinking? That can effect her as well...In our culture we put so much stress on our children drinking milk we forget there is just as much calcium (if not more) in green veggies....there is a lot of sugars (bad carbs..) in Milk.. I had this problem with my son and was also that kind of problem for my mother in the begining. Its best to eliminate one thing at a time and keep a routine...you will see progress....I promise!!

Hi K.,
I was having the same problem. My daughter just turned 4 and it has been very challenging. This is what kids are suppose to do, that is how they learn. We don't have to rush to the doctor every time our children act out. I have a black garbage bag I put everything in when she is bad. When I see her do something good she gets a toy back. This seems to work well. Hope this helps:)
I have 3 children 9,4,1 all girls.
Jennifer B

I read Love and Logic too - I agree it is a super book for all parents to read. I also agree that spanking is not the answer - unless you want her to start hitting. I am a kindergarten teacher...here are some things I'd try - focus on the positive - notice every single good thing she does. Write down 'the rules' with her. She could help you think of them and the consequences too. Be consistent. In my classroom the kids tell me the kind of kid they want to be and the kind of classroom they want to have. We refer to it often and I ask them, 'is that the kind of friend you want to be?' or 'we decided that in our classroom we don't call people names.' etc. You could adapt it for home. If the problem is really serious I would talk to your child's pediatrician about the problems you are having. He/She will have resources/referrals for you to help both of you! Good luck!

There is a great book called "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber. This is a great book because it gives insight as to what children actually hear at certian ages. It also gives the reader ways to rephrase a request or concern, which in turn allows for a better avenue of communication between adult and child. Not all parents understand that a child doesn't rationalize the way we, as adults do. If nothing else I'm certian this book will help you improve your level of communitcatio with your daughter. Good Luck!

A.

Mother of a 3 (almost 4) year old girl.

Be patient and always no matter what let her know you love her very much, if she isn't already get her involved with other children so she can learn from them. Read to her,build puzzles with her, play dress up with her, play I-spy while driving down the road, sing songs with her anytime,continue to ask her if she knows why she feels the way she does and if not tell her to think about it and if she does ask her to tell you,interact with her more, alot of times that is really what a child looks for when they start to act out. Find her a playmate. I hope this helps.

Hi
My name is A. I have a 7year old daughter and a 4year old daughter and a 1year old son. My four year old is doing the same thing I have discussed it with our doctor he thinks she is having a hard time trying to be a big girl in Preschool and still your baby at home. We went to Target and got a rewards chart and it seems to be helping alot!!! Plus we have to make extra time to be with her so she doesn't have to kick and scream to get our attention. I am hopeing this is a stage and want to say hang in there they do get better with age.

I think Shelley is right on the mark. Consistancy is the key. She will understand that you are the boss when you set realistic guidlines and rules and NEVER give in to her whining, pleading, tantrums, etc. It may feel cruel and she may even say she hates you but believe me, children need and like consistant guidlines. My kids learned early on that if they begged or whined about something, not only would they not get their way but they would have consiquences. For instance, if we were in the store and they begged for an item that I had said "no" to, not only would they not get the item but we would leave the store and they would get nothing. Works well once they test it and you stand firm.

You could try taking a favorite toy away when she misbehaves...I also watch Super Nanny and this is one technique she uses. Get a plastic bin and everytime your daughter does something negative have HER take one toy and put it in the bin...when she has had good behavior she can go and choose one toy to have back.
I also agree with the good behavior chart. Rewards are better than negative results.
I think Super Nanny has a website. You can try and google "super nanny".
Good luck and hang in there. You will need extra patience and strength.

I had found that time outs work great. Something may be bothering her.. When my 8 year old acts out there is usually something bothering her.. Take her to a nice dinner or for a treat, get on her level and ask her how things have been... I found that my kids get out of control when something is bothering them and they don't know how to tell me.. Good luck, A.

Kim, Have you seeked proffesional help? Let me know what kind of insurance you have and I think I can help you ok.

My son is not yet 1 year, so I can't relate yet. But I do watch Super Nanny and she always has really great suggestions similar to the ones mentioned below and many more.

Well, I too am a 28 single mom of a 4-year old and my daughter is on a "I'm the boss kick". She tests her limits and negotiates everything and it drives me nuts! Generally making her sit on the step and taking a time out or counting to ten until she does something works pretty well. I find the BIGGEST key is to never give in NO MATTER WHAT! When you say no, it means no! If you give in, she'll know that if she pushes enough, she'll get her way eventually. I also agree with getting down to her level when talking to her. You never want to talk over a child.....bend down and talk to them one on one, it is less intimidating.

I hope this helps. I'm routing for you, I know how tough it is, and everyone thinks my daughter is a peach, but she DRIVES ME NUTS with her constant negotiating. Be firm, don't be afraid to discipline, but in the end, love her with all your might and tell her you love her all the time!

Right before my daughter turned 5 she had a nasty attitude, wouldn't listen, talked back and was disrespectful. Maybe they do that at that age or something. Anyways I started be very very h*** o* her as far as discipline and it took me a few weeks to show her I'm mom, I'm the boss around here. Then she started kindergarten (just this last Sept.) and she's a different kid. She was doing this horrible behavior all summer and I haven't given her a single timout or spanking in atleast 3months. I really thinks being h*** o* her and consistant with punishments has worked. Have you tried that? My daughter would also try and argue and I wouldn't stand for it. If my daughter argues with me I walk away from her and will not give her the time of day.When she stops arguing I will listen to her again.

Oy. My son still does this from time to time, but it was worst when he was transitioning from age 3 to 4. Talking back, foul language, attitude problems, you name it. Spankings stopped working, so I just gave up on those. (what's the point in using them if they have no effect?) Time outs were a joke, he'd just go right back to doing what he'd been doing before.

We started tailoring the punishment to the crime. If he was using foul language, we'd use mouth wash to "wash the bad words out". My husband also suggested Altoid mints, but even I think those are painful to eat, so we scrapped that idea. If it was a matter of toys or privilages, they got taken away and put on the living room shelf until he did something nice/helpful for the family (ie helping with the laundry, dishes, making beds, cleaning, etc). Once we were consistant with this, he started to get a little better.

Our biggest breakthrough, however, was when I learned that my son thrives on positives, not negatives. The naughty behavior ceased the day I said "Caleb, I'm really proud of you. Usually you do <insert naughty thing> but today you didn't. Thank you, that makes Mommy very happy!" Boom. Instant turn around.

It's really hard to say something positive like that when the child is being outright naughty, but I've tried to re-word it to say "Caleb, <naughty behvaior> makes me (or whomever it was directed at) really sad when you do this. Remember how much fun we had yesterday when you were a good boy? I really liked <positive thing> and we had a lot of fun."

As he's gotten older, I've been able to start reasoning with him, especially when it comes to the "do unto others.." issues. I try to reverse it and ask how he'd feel if it was done to him. We're still working on this one, however.

Sorry for the long post, I tend to ramble. :P I hope something in there helps though. :)

That age group can be very difficult sometimes no matter how good you are at discipline/order/routine. Its like a light bulb goes off and they learn they can flip their little tempers on like a light switch. You got some great advice but I wanted to add one thing..

We dealt with a little bit of discipline issues in a day care I worked for before I had my son and we had to lay some ground rules not only for the kids, but for how staff handled the behavior too. Not that any one was being inappropriate, just ineffective. Getting down to eye level like everyone has said is ideal, not just bending down but kneeling and talking to her that way. State what you want simply and don't go into long explanations. When we do explanations for children they tend to lose sight of what the topic even is. You also don't want to do something that my old boss referred to as "Minnesota Nice" (I'm in MN and we do hear people use this a lot) and tell the kids "Kelly, you need to go clean up the blocks you got out, okay?" Don't turn it into something that sounds like they have an option, don't use the "Okay?" at the end of the sentence if you tend to do that. You don't want to imply an option unless there really is one. Just "Kelly, its time to go clean up the blocks you got out." Or "Kelly, we're going grocery shopping then going to Grandma's." No option, no question, just a task given.

Though we were not allowed to use time out as a discipline technique (damaging to their psychies or something to that effect) it can be effective sometimes. One of the other posters is right, one minute per year of age. There are little time out timers like the ones you might see on Nanny 911. I think I've seen them at Toys R Us before and they're not overly expensive.. in the 20 dollar range maybe.

Hope you are able to gain some control!