My Daughter Is a Tom-boy

If it bothers you that much, time a moment when you're calm and can say something in private, and just say "I heard you say call Sally "he" the other day, and I know it was completely accidental, but I felt I had to let you know that that really bothers me; I'm worried that hearing that, even accidentally, could affect her self-esteem either now or at a latter point. Thank you for listening to me and hearing my concern, and I appreciate the job you're doing with Sally and with all the kids--Sally says she loves having you as her teacher." Or something like that--make it just you, a parent, expressing a concern, and that you understand the teacher is working hard and doesn't mean to do it. I bet that bringing that to her attention will help her focus on avoid doing it again (knowing someone else noticed and mentions it can have that effect!).

I'd definately say something to the teacher. That's rude, inconsiderate, and completely wrong. I'd set up an appointment with the teacher and principal for a meeting.

I'm a tomboy and always have been. I am now a prototype mechanic and have been for 10+ years. I make a darned good living being a tomboy and there's nothing wrong with it... But that teacher is being a nasty person about it.

As long as she doesn't care, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it...she will think that there is something wrong with the situation. There is nothing wrong with a tom-boy, and hopefully she can miss out on some of the girl drama!

My daughter is a teacher at a small Christian school, and one little girl was the focus of attention there for a while. This girl dressed like a boy, and wanted her hair short and straight. She was a fine student, had good friends, and liked sports and many other activities. She had self-confidence and good manners; she just insisted on looking like a boy!

Her parents were able to deal with this, and let her wear what she wanted to, within reason. There were some compromises on both sides. The girl is now in high school; she's college-bound (almost), she's on the honor roll, she's very involved in activities, she's an excellent musician, and she has a tailored, uncomplicated fashion style that isn't "girly" but is definitely not mannish either. And what a beauty she is.

Your daughter's teacher owes her - and you - an apology. Even though it's only October, any teacher worth her salt ought to know her students well enough to remember whether they're boys or girls!

Like your daughter, I was a HUGE tomboy - wore my hair very short, had male friends, was frequently mistaken for a boy, etc. When I was 12, I wanted nothing more for Christmas than a new baseball bat and glove & I would CRY if my mother made me wear a dress for ANY reason. :)
Frankly, I just LIKED boys so much better than girls! Boys seemed much more sensible and easier to understand than girls. Girls, to me, were emotional, giggly and gossipy, primarily interested in make-up & dress-up & getting boys' attention. I was more interested in outdoor things - physical work, sports, hunting & fishing - I LIKED to get dirty and sweaty, so I felt more comfortable with male company. Still do for the most part! LOL
My parents just allowed me to be myself - to wear the clothes I was comfortable in, to keep my hair as short as I liked, & to have the friends I chose (provided they met my parents approval for manners, etc).
I imagine it may have crossed their minds at some point that I might be lesbian - if it did, however, they never expressed anything but their love for me & I eventually grew up to embrace my feminine side, married, had children (2 boys & a girl who embraces both her tom-boy side AND her girly-girl side). I even wear dresses & make-up occasionally. LOL
If your DAUGHTER is not bothered by being mistaken for a boy, I say let her be! However, if SHE is starting to be bothered by it, you could suggest some little things she could do to appear slightly more feminine - perhaps piercing her ears? Is she old enough to wear a little make-up? What about pretty hair clips/barrettes/head bands? Maybe some minor wardrobe modifications (she doesn't HAVE to wear "girly clothes" but certain cuts or styles can help accent femininity)
That said however - I do NOT understand your daughter's teacher! You say she has known your family for years - do you happen to have boys that attend the school as well? If so, perhaps she is just getting them mixed up... If not, then I do not understand this at all.
I would suggest that, since it is an issue for you, when the teacher "slips" the next time - put her on the spot - simply ASK her WHY she does that.

Take a big breath, and please let it go. Teachers, even if friends, are stressed and hurried in the morning preparing their class for the day/weeks ahead. It sounds like a minor slip up. My son with his gorgeous, thick, wavy hair and long eye lashes gets called a girl frequently. He is refered to as a she, especially around macho type families who think boys should have crew cuts I guess.

Personally, I call all dogs 'he' and all cats 'she' - no matter how well I know the animal and it really upsets some animal owners. I chuckle and think, 'get over it' - it's just the way my mind categorizes and am not changing it at 50.

Whoa! Her TEACHER calls her "he"? I think I would have to make a point there, I think. But in a subtle way.....do it like a Southerner and work in "bless your heart" somewhere in your comment! LOL

I am so sorry this is hurtful to you! I know people are not doing this on purpose but it does matter to you! We all have a dream of how our children will be. Rarely do they match that dream, which is not a bad thing, just hard to reconcile at times. You can calmly correct people and say something like, "It doesn't bother my daughter, but it does me" In a matter of fact way. Then move on with the conversation. Your daughter sounds wonderful and adventerous and like she knows herself and what she wants. Good for her! Maybe focus on this even writing down the positives about your daughter in a journal. It could even be a gift to her one day!

I would definitely say something to the teacher-for sure. It is very wrong of her to do this plus it is upsetting to you. Say"I realize that my daughter is a tomboy and loves to dress like one of the boys but she is still a girl. I noticed that you call her he sometimes and, while I can see where you might make the mistake (laugh), I am going to need you to really try to refer to her as a girl. You see-it will confuse her if you are approaching her as a boy and that really concerns me."

I would say something for sure! While a stranger may think that your daughter is a boy based on her appreance, without speaking to her, it would be an honest mistake. The teacher, who's known you and subsequently your daughter for years, knows better. It's rude and hurtful and is lazy on her part. You wouldn't think of refering to a girl with pink clothes and long flowing hair as a boy, nor would you call a woman wearing a leather jacket a cow so why do it to one who's style choice is a little more masculine? And just because it doesn't appear to bother your daughter DOES NOT mean that it doesn't bother her. Kids are amazing at internalizing their feelings and it's not until much later that they show them and sometimes in dangerous or heartbreaking ways.

I would confront her, explain that you love your daughter, her style choices are her own to make but whatever the outside says she is a girl and needs to be spoken to and refered to as such. That teacher isn't just affecting you and your daughter but those around you and inadvertantly she's saying to students listening to her that it's acceptable to refer to your daughter as a male, even if she does correct herself.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Rather than say something to the teacher, I would use this as a time to self reflect. Why does this bother you so much? Surely you wouldn't end up in tears if this teacher accidentally called your daughter by a sibling's name on a couple of occasions and then corrected herself. It was a slip up. But it's a slip up that I think touches on some real feelings you have about your daughter being such a tom-boy. Not to be an armchair psychologist, but this situation I think is saying much more about you than about the teacher or your daughter (not in a bad way at all, it's hard to get the intent across in writing).

The long and short is if it isn't detrimentally impacting your daughter's learning in any way, I'd let it go. But do think on this. Good luck.

Deep breaths.

If it were me, I would let it go. I wouldn't cry about it either. My oldest daughter is a tom boy. She dressed like a boy, had short hair and she has the gender neutral name of Dana. She did this all through grammer school and was frequently called him or he. Didn't bother her or me a bit. Now that she's in 7th grade, she's let her hair grow longer, but her favorite outfit is a sports team t-shirt and jeans. She's getting her figure, so it's harder to get her gender wrong, but it still happens. She gets a major kick out of it, and I don't care what strangers think.

J.,
My mother went through the same thing with me, I was very much a tom-boy and in a lot of ways still am. Very rarely do I wear a dress. My sister tells a story about how my mother forced me to get dressed up for a family function so here I was in a dress and work boots, my mother almost died and let's just say I got beat to a pulp. I wanted to be a boy so badly it wasn't funny, all through school I wore boys jeans, pants, and tee shirts and the more of an issue my mother/family made of it the more stubborn I became. To this day let me get under the hood of a car and get greasy or covered in hay and horse hair and I will be in my glory.Personally I say let your daughter be, you can't change her. As for the teacher, if she is a good friend then talk to her about it, tell her she hurt your feelings, I do that all the time and have this attitude that my feelings are my feelings, if I need to respect yours then you need to respect mine because in order for this to work it needs to be a 2-way street and when it comes to my kids it is a 1-way street. You are your daughter's mother, stand up for what you believe in, your daughter is a girl even though she is a tom-boy and she should be called a girl just as your boys should be called boys.
By the way, I have been married for going on 29 years, have 5 kids, my daughter loves to dress up but my boys are just like their mother and father, give us jeans and t-shirts and we are happy as clams. I will say this too my daughter loves getting down and dirty with the dogs and cats and her ferret too.
Hugs,
T.

Dear J.,

My recommendation is to sit down with this teacher and tell her straight-up. As in, "Look, I'm sure this was an accident, but it really bothers me. Can I ask you to please be careful to call my daughter "she" from now on?"

And then, let it go. Your daughter self-confidence is precious and extraordinary, and it may not last forever. If you show all kinds of anxiety about her tomboyishness, even indirectly, she's going to internalize that. You must have done something wonderful to raise a young lady who's brave enough to be a little bit different and not give a hoot what anyone else thinks -- please, keep doing *that* and if other people act ignorant or bigoted, be a role model for just shaking it off.

I realize this is hard, but your daugther sounds like she's reflecting some wonderful parenting on your part. Please prioritize her confidence and sense of self over the ignorant judgments of near-strangers!

Best wishes,

Mira

well if ur daughter isnt bothered by it... let it be.....as long as it dont bother your daughter u shouldnt worry about it let you daughter be who she wants to be

I would say something. She might think she is being cute or just simply be making a mistake. Tell her short and sweet Do NOT call my daughter a HE. Do not say PLEASE. Where does she get off saying that I think its rude especially to the mom.
Also if she is saying that in front of you she might be doing it at school. The other kids might pick up on it.
Dont be confortational . Don't make apologies or excuses. Say what has to be said and don't repeat yourself. A person losses ground when they repeat themselves. Good luck.

Yes I would say something. If she continues call her Bob! She how she likes it.

...My Daughter, has a classmate, JUST like your daughter.... who is 7-8 years old now and in 3rd grade. And her name is even a unisex name.

... as a parent, I understand your question and you got some great responses here.

My comment is an aside....and that is:
One day.....as your daughter gets older, SHE will have to KNOW herself how to handle these 'errs' on her own too... she will not always have you there... hearing/protecting her.....

I know, because my Daughter's classmate... who is just like your daughter... gets 'questioned' about her 'gender' by other kids... innocently. They ask her "Are you a boy or a girl?" , "How come you dress like a boy?" etc. The kids are INNOCently asking this girl... not making fun. They are just genuinely "curious." Even my daughter asked me once "Mommy is she a boy or a girl?" And I told her "A girl." My Daughter has even asked the girl herself if she was a boy or a girl... my daughter was just wondering, so she asked, as young kids do. The girl.... responded to my daughter by saying "I'm a girl."
And some people, even parents, have 'mistaken' her for a boy... too.

SO... as her Mom, you will need to figure out... how to help your daughter... deal with various comments/reactions to her, as she gets older... and make sure, she is always herself... and happy... and is self-assured...

all the best,
Susan

I was a tomboy too and if someone thought I was a boy it was a compliment to me.... I look back at pictures of myself and just laugh and wonder why my mom let me take it that far. The teacher was maybe nervous talking about your child and since she looks so boyish it was probably just a mistake.... I would probably say something to the teacher tho since it hurts your feelings.
"My daughter is a girl, I know she doesnt like to be one right now, but please refer to her with feminine pronouns from here on out just to save my sanity.."

Absolutely nothing wrong w/ being a tom boy, but yes, I would ask her teacher (in private) to please be careful about referring to her gender correctly.

I was a tomboy as a child. I hated wearing dresses, my mom would try to put in me in them for church a couple times and my compromise was to wear jeans or sweat pants underneath. I would get my hair cut real short too. I lived in boy clothes, my best friend was a boy and I got his hand me downs. I was fine with all this mainly at home and with close friends. But once I got a little older I became self conscious, badly. I can remember other kids in school calling me a boy, or older people making honest mistakes. It did bother me. I was a tomboy, did not like the girly things at all, but also felt bad that I was 'outcasted' by others. It wasn't my fault that I didn't play or hang out with other girls but I DiD NoT understand why I couldn't be excepted. I started to regret my short hair cuts the older I got, it was a very confusing to me. I wished my mom would have either not let me cut my hair; or would have been a more confident person to teach me to be. So I would suggest showing her confidence by standing up for her in front of her, nicely. So, if her teacher accidentally calls her a boy/he say or remind her politely/easily that she is a girl. I think that would have helped me as a child to see how to respond to someone, to see my mom with confidence and that 'she had my back'. just my experience. sorry, kinda long, but hope it helps.

If you have known this person for years there is NO good reason for her to make that kind of 'mistake.' I think teacher is trying to make a statement and does not like tomboys. Now the real question is WHY on earth would this rude person upset you? Tell her that you do not appreciate her lapses in memory and if she cant remember your child's gender then she is to refer to her only by her proper given name.
I was a substitute teacher for many years and I saw tom boys, very athletic girls dressed like sloppy boys. Then one day I would go in the classroom and there would be a young lady with nail polish, skirts, pretty hair and all. It always made me smile. But these girls remained athletic. One was a superior soccer player and after she discovered she was a girl she would run down the field with her hands up so as not to break a nail, then give the ball a powerful kick sending it shooting into the goal. LOL

Sounds like the teacher is trying to tell you to turn your daughter into a prissy little "princess". What kind of a bully teacher does that? She's also provoking the other kids to eventually take part in making fun of her. I would definitely say something to this piece of work, who is supposedly an educator. please don't change your daughter's self confidence and make her into a future insecure young lady.

If your daughter likes a short hairstyle and unisex clothes and playing boy games/toys, and no one is making fun of her for that, it's not a big deal. If kids do start making fun of her, then it is a problem. However, if the teacher is referring to your child by the wrong gender and forgetting that she is actually a girl, then yes, I would say something. She's known you for years, this is her student who she sees every day and she is creating a problem by doing this. It's her job to remember what gender her students are

Definately have a talk or email the teacher. Have the teacher keep everything confidential. Keep calm, but make sure the teacher understands the cliche, "Teachers shape the future." That phrase is a phrase the teacher unions throw around, so you need to make sure you use it. If this teacher continues calling your daughter "he" or "him." the students will eventually pick it up and run with it, which is something you don't need. The teacher needs to know that she is stereotyping girls and it needs to be stopped.

Next time she does that, after she corrects herself, say in kind of an annoying tone "Thank you for correcting yourself. It bothers me SSSOOO much when you do that." After all you have known her for years...See if that helps.

Don't let it go. If you let something like that continue to bother you "terribly" one of these days you'll explode!! LOL

As far as the tomboy thing with your daughter, it's obvious she is very confident. Great job Mom!