My Daughter Heard Us Having S*E*X - Now What?

Updated on July 21, 2012
E.P. asks from Mount Joy, PA
25 answers

Where to begin? Last night, my husband and I were enjoying some "adult time" in my bedroom. My door was locked as it always is when we have sex. A little background - my husband and I have separate bedrooms because he sleeps with a forced air machine that's pretty loud. We all usually keep our bedroom doors closed. We enjoy a pretty active sex life and my 11 year old daughter is a heavy sleeper, so we've NEVER had a problem where we were even close to getting caught.

So we're in the middle of everything, and we hear a knock on the door. It was my daughter asking if I was OK (because she heard ME making some strange noises). I told her to wait a minute and then threw on a night gown before meeting her in the hallway. She saw that my husband was in my room (he had gone to bed in his own room much earlier in the night and she knew that). She asked if I was OK and I said yes and that Daddy and I were just talking. I have casually mentioned to her in the past that Daddy and I sometimes catch up on talking in the middle of the night if we both can't sleep - not true really, but just wanted to cover the basis in case she ever went to the bathroom and noticed that he was not in his room. Soooo, I went completely BLANK and couldn't come up with anything better to say. She seemed fine with it all and just went back to bed.

I have seriously lost 10 years off my life. I was JUST going to be having "the talk" with her in the next couple of weeks. She's up to speed with puberty info as she's very mature and has had her period regularly for a few months. So I want to have that talk but I absolutely don't want her connecting all the dots after last night. She is very innocent and we monitor what she watches VERY VERY carefully. I don't believe she has an idea what sex is at this point.

So, smart Mommies, where do I go from here so as not to ruin her psychologically for the rest of her life? PS - I'm already damaged from this beyond repair!

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answers from New York on

I would have the talk with her. I would also be shocked if she doesn't know what sex is by 11, at least if she's in school! (I was incredibly sheltered and grew up in the 80s, but even I knew what sex was by 11 :) She's at the age where she's going to start realizing her parents have sex. If you don't make a big deal of it, though, she probably won't either.

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answers from Dallas on

I'd lighten up and not make a big deal out of this.

She is 11 and by now she can put 2 and 2 together to know what you are doing. Don't be fooled by that. Kids as young as 11 are exploring and it is talked about in schools among the kids.

If you continue to make such a big deal out of it, you will imprint in her mind that sex is dirty and that is the last thinkg you want to do.

Be open and honest with her. Communicate with her... she needs to know you will be honest with her and talk... Many things will come up later on when she needs to talk to you. Let this be the start if you have not been communicating with her the past 11 yrs.

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answers from Washington DC on

my 4 year old walked in on us and demanded that we 'STOP WRESTLING!!!'
relax, take a deep breath and don't rush to do damage control. it's no biggie.
:) khairete

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answers from Austin on

Do you watch Modern Family? In one episode the parents were so busted.. The parents had a harder time than the kids. The kids knew what was going on but the parents were completely freaked out.

Go ahead and have the talk as planned. Eventually she is going to figure it out. Sex is natural and kids need to know we are not ashamed of it. You will be setting the tone for how she feels about it as she grows up.

I remember my husband telling me his parents bed was right above his bed upstairs and it drove him crazy when they were having sex.. I would love to tell his parents..

Anyway in a way I think kids feel reassured to know their parents are still attracted to each other even though tat the same time it repulses them.

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answers from Dallas on

My daughter learned at 8 what sex is. She totally busted us once and we do bondage. She didn't see anything b/c of our high bed posts, but she was worried about me. My hubby met her at the door and said "Your mom is fine. We're having sex." O.M.G.!!!!! I was so mad at him!!! She's 10!!
But.... she knows what sex is and that it's between mommies and daddies.
Before she knew what sex was, we told her that we were having a tickle fight.

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answers from Redding on

Well, a wonderful child psychologist told me that when these things happen, not to make too big a deal out of it and NEVER try to give too much information on adult terms.
I would hold off on having the talk or she will connect what happened with it.
Just my opinion.
She seemed fine with it and went back to bed.
I remember being a little kid and hearing my parents having sex. Our rooms were very close, they tried to be quiet, and although I didn't know all the mechanics of it, I had a pretty good idea what was going on. The difference between me and your daughter is that I NEVER would have knocked on the door. IF they were doing what I thought, I didn't want them to know I knew.
She's 11 and you've been careful, but I can pretty much guarantee that she knows hanky panky goes on.
Regardless, what happens in your bedroom when the door is locked isn't any of her business.
Have your husband give you a backrub in the living room while you're watching TV and let her hear you say that it feels good. Moan a little if it feels like it. My daughter used to come running if she heard me moaning. There I'd be sitting on the floor with my husband rubbing my shoulders.
Your daughter won't be traumatized by this. Don't make a bigger deal of it than you should or she will REALLY be listening at the door.
Adults go in their rooms and lock the door for many reasons, none of which are her concern.
You do not need to explain to her what you do when the door is closed and locked. That's too much adult information.
I would put the "talk" off for a while. Start with how her own body works first. She already knows about bodies changing, etc. Like I said, she already knows how babies are made whether you want her to or not.
I think you did the right thing by telling her you were okay. And so what if she saw your husband in your room. Most moms and dads sleep together every night.
Don't be embarrassed or act like you've done something wrong, because you haven't.
She'll be fine. Just don't feel the need to explain yourself. You did the right thing under the circumstances.
I'm sure there must be a good book about this, but in the meantime, what happens in your bedroom doesn't concern her and she doesn't need an explanation.
Explaining sex is one thing, but that doesn't mean she needs to know anything about what you do. Or when.

You'll all be okay. You really will.

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answers from Dallas on

LOL - funny story - I thought we were past the walking in moments until this weekend, and my 2 year old grandson walked in on us.... Hubby wasn't even aware until I said "um, honey, look over there".... Ha ha ha ha!

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answers from Miami on

I think you are making way too much out of this. My two oldest daugthers, 11 and 8, know that mommy and daddy do have alone time together. They know sometimes we take showers together (yes, they heard us and even were aware of us both in the shower at the same time...not a big deal ). They know that God designed mommies and daddies to come together in a special way only meant for married people. My oldest and I will be having more talks this summer as she will be entering middle school in the fall but they only know the basic of basics. They don't know about intercourse and specifics like that but they do know we lock the door sometimes and have special time only meant for mommy and daddy.

I agree that your daughter needs to be talked to but it sounds like she accepted what you told her for now. That should be enough...but as she is about to enter middle school very soon, you will need to discuss the mechanics of how our bodies work and come together, perhaps over the summer. She will likely hear all kinds of false information from her classmates and it's best to be honest and let her hear it from you.

Sex is a natural act. It's normal. I understand your embarrassment or your reluctance to talk openly to her...but it needs to be done. It will establish a foundation for her what sex really is, what it should not be about, and if you are a Christian, now is the best time to advocate abstinence before marriage, and begin instilling morals about her body and how it should be shared with others. Ask her school guidance counselor for the material that will be used for the sex education program. That might give a direction for you to take to introduce the topic. Also, check at your local book store for books on how to approach the topic. Good luck.

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answers from Kansas City on

i agree with the other ladies - take a breath and relax lol. she's 11, not six. and she didn't see anything. have the talk with her, tailor it to her personal experience, mention that sex is what moms and dads do, etc etc. she'll be fine. don't make it a big traumatic scary thing, and she won't be traumatized or scared. you got her this far without knowing anything about it...that's a feat in itself. but if she has her period it's time she knew more.

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answers from Rochester on

I'm sure your 11 year old daughter knows what sex is. She may not know all the details but she knows something about it by now. If not, you better tell her! My kids always knew if the door to our room was closed, to stay out of my room. I would tell them their dad and I needed some "time together" and they knew what we meant. That's all I needed to tell them. They would just nod their heads and walk away.

Funny story: All my kids are grown now and have their own homes. My son drives a delivery truck and if he's in the neighborhood drops in from time to time for lunch or just to say hi. One day he knew I wasn't feeling well so he decided to stop in to check on me. Well, needless to say I wasn't feeling too bad so my husband and I decided to have a little "afternoon delight". Since all the kids have left the nest we felt we had no reason to close the door. My son came in the house, heard a noise in the bedroom, thought I was in pain or something and came rushing in. Of course, he caught us! He was so embarrassed he ran out of the bedroom, out the front door, got back in his truck and drove away! We never even knew he was there! Later when he called and told us what happened we all laughed about it. We still laugh about that from time to time.

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answers from Atlanta on

Lol. I know how you feel. I was there, my baby girl walked right in telling me she was thirsty. You are right now embarrassed and in shock. There is nothing to be ashamed about. You are married, this is legal and natural. Now if he were your boyfriend then it should be something you might want to hide. She is 11 years old, have started her period and everything. You should have had the talk with her when it first began. So definitely have the talk

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answers from Dallas on

Honestly, your attitude about this is making ME uncomfortable, so imagine how you will make her feel! It's not a big deal, and you are making it one. Really, she's 11, has her period, and you think she doesn't already know about sex? I would lay money that she does. IMO, you *should* be having this talk with her constantly, not just one uncomfortable birds & bees sit-down. If you want your daughter to be open & comfortable with you, you have to be open & comfortable with your own sexuality. This isn't the end of the world.


Honestly, your attitude about this is making ME uncomfortable, so imagine how you will make her feel! It's not a big deal, and you are making it one. Really, she's 11, has her period, and you think she doesn't already know about sex? I would lay money that she does. IMO, you *should* be having this talk with her constantly, not just one uncomfortable birds & bees sit-down. If you want your daughter to be open & comfortable with you, you have to be open & comfortable with your own sexuality. This isn't the end of the world.

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answers from New York on

Yep...I remember those embrassing moments. Even before our son was born. Our bedrooms had no locks until MIL barged in our room while we were right in the middle of a beautiful intimate moment. She has a really bad habit of not knocking on the door. Come on she's in her 70s and had 2 kids and was supposed to be a doctor/head nurse in China...Gee, I wonder what we were doing....Was it really necessary to check? Those locks went on the doors quicker than you can shake a stick. Even hubby was mad and embarrassed....Oh, back to our son incident. He's 12 and had sex ed in school already (It's a catholic school, so they teach the kids early complete with values added.) and I already discussed it with him, since Dad won't have "the talk." Wouldn't you know it, he knocked on the door to tell us to be quite and that he already knows what we are doing, so don't make any babies while we're at it! You can bet Daddy had a big talk with him on etiquette.

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answers from New York on

relax she will forget before you do give it time have talk after this blows over and figure out what to do next time dont feel like your sneaking around its normal and what mom and dad do give it time

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answers from New York on

Well, at least she didn't say: Ewww!. (just kidding).
My daughter knew about the basics (bodies, babies, period) but not really talk about sex and protection until later, it was kind of nervous for me, it didn't help when I would attempt and she would say: "Ewww, mom!", lol.
Another mama in here advice me to have the talk at the car because I was honestly nervous and shy about it and also to help the "ewww walk away".
Well, go figures but when I finally had the talk in the car on our way to the mall, she already knew more than I thought, and I, like you keep an eye on tv and friends, she goes to Catholic school, etc, etc.
I think you should have the talk to your daughter, I think she may already knows some stuff and is the age where she would start getting many info from friends so better get there before she start getting too much wrong info.
About she cough you, I agree with Laurie, it is odd, and awkward and many of us would rather to don't think about it (sex&parents) but in a deep way is also nice to know your parents like and love each other.

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answers from New York on

She already knows about sex- she may not know the details of it, but I have yet to meet a child older than 4th grade who has truly never heard of it. She will NEVER admit this to you b/c it's too embarassing to her, but she knows already.

You're not going to ruin her psychologically for the rest of her life. Have a short and minimal conversation with her about the fact that sex is a natural way for married people to connect. Sex is something that occurs between two people when they are in a committed relationship and in love. It is not something to give away freely and that you and her father love eachother very much.

She's smart and she's already "connected the dots". You monitor what she watches and listens to, but her friends talk and she presumably goes to other homes. Even the Disney channel is a little "risque" after 8:00!

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answers from Chattanooga on

I never really 'learned' about sex from anyone until I was older... probably close to 13-14.... I was raised by a single father when I was younger, and in my teenage years I lived with my VERY religious grandma. So no one ever really talked to me about it... I was also pretty sheltered, and my parents thought I had NO CLUE what sex was. If she's in public school, I'm willing to bet that no matter how innocent she is she knows what sex is. If you don't feel comfortable about talking about it with her, you could always check out the parenting section of most bookstores... there are usually 'how to talk about sex' books there. Just make sure you don't treat it like it's something 'dirty' or wrong...

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answers from Savannah on

LoL---it's not like she's going to be traumatized. Don't sweat it at all. It's good for her to know her parents love each other and have a normal relationship. She probably knows pretty much what was going on, even if she doesn't know all the details. She probably just thought, since you two have your own rooms, that you might be sick or crying if she heard you moan and came to check on you, you're ok, you're with dad and all is fine. Not a big deal.
Don't act like anything is wrong at all, because it isn't wrong. You don't want her thinking sex between married people is "dirty" or "embarassing" because it's not.
My 4 year old son chastised us over breakfast a few months ago because he couldn't get to sleep because dad was "tickling" me. (We have tickle wars with him in the living room, so he figured that's what we were doing in our room). We just smiled and said "sorry if it disturbed you, we'll try not to be so loud and silly when you're in bed". The end.

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answers from Buffalo on

I think this is a perfect opportunity to talk to her about what happened. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, not sure why you seem so scared from this? I realize not everyone is excited about the talk, but for your daughters sake, and your piece of mind, pretend! If she already has her period, she really needs to know all the facts, including that she can get pregnant, and how. She may already know more than you think from her friends. Lord only knows what 11 yr old girls would tell each other about sex! I also agree w/others, don't limit it to just the talk, but keep it an open dialog. She doesn't want to know details about you and her father any more than you want to share them! Don't worry so much, let her guide the conversation, and you can gauge what she does/doesn't know, and how much she is ready for. Then let her know she can always talk to you if she has questions about anything!

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answers from Richmond on

You're totally going to laugh about this years down the road ;)

It's not like your daughter doesn't already know that her parents 'do it'... she's here, right?

My middle child walked in on us one time. We had locked the door, but in our 'moment' didn't close the door all the way! Thankfully, she was sleepwalking and remembered *nothing*

One time I grabbed my guy and pulled him into the kitchen and gave him a big old fat kiss just because... my 7 year old came hauling around the corner and stopped dead in her tracks and yelled 'oh my god, are you guys making the sex?!'..... HAHAHAHA!! I was like 'no honey, not even close'...

My girls are 5 and 7. I've already, sort of, had the talk with them. My thing is, I go into extreme medical detail, they get bored, they leave. I still remember, as a child, kind of putting 2 and 2 together as far as sex goes at school from hearing other kids talk about it. My parents never had the talk with me... until I was 21, had 2 kids, and I was going camping with my boyfriend (who is now my fiance) and my dad threw a box of condoms at him. (My fiance laughed and threw them back at my dad and says 'oh, those will never fit, way too small'.... WOW, MORTIFYING.)

Anyway, lighten up :) Have the talk with her anyway. Neither you nor she is damaged by this, and I promise it will be okay. She didn't see anything. She may wonder what was going on and ask about it; tell her whatever you're comfortable with her knowing.

And remember, you WILL laugh about this later on :)

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answers from Baton Rouge on

Don't make a big deal out of it and she won't either. Just tell her that Mommy and Daddy were making love.



answers from Atlanta on

She already knows it's better for you to tell her the truth than a bun h of kids telling rumors and her thinking it's waaaayyyy worse than it is



answers from New York on

An 11 year old should have some idea of what sex is and should know that parents have sex. If she doesn't know what sex is, she needs to know, both in terms of reproduction and that it's something couples do for enjoyment. If she has her period and you haven't talked about sex or reproduction, you have neglected something very important in terms of her education. She will learn about sex from her friends instead, and I wouldnt want her learning from other preteens. I would skip "the talk" - ongoing dialogues about these subjects are really much more effective. Kids should know that their parents have an affectionate and intimate relationship and not think of them as platonic roommates. If she's traumatized by that idea, I'm sorry to say but it's your attitude about it that will cause the trauma. You don't want her connecting the dots? You do realize, that often sex ed is taught in sixth grade health, if she attends public school.



answers from Enid on

Talk to her. Not about sex but tell her that now since she is having her periods she is not to have intimate physical contact with the opposite sex until she is married and is in love. This is what my mom told me when i got my periods for the first time. The rest she'll understand gradually when she grow up. This is a sensitive topic and its upon you how you make things clear to her. She shouldn't feel that its a taboo, but she should understand that for the time being it is.



answers from New York on

You don't need to tell her what you were doing. She will figure it out in a few years and if she knows right now she is probably beyond embarrassed.

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