My Daughter Has No Friends...

If she is truly not concerned about it herself, I wouldn't worry about it. Some kids/people are content with being alone. Now in a few years it may change. If she isn't bothered by it and seems content with herself, I would leave it alone. She sounds like a very well rounded 11 year old for the most part. So my vote is to not worry about it mom. :)

Wow. She sounds wonderful.
I would say don't worry, but I do worry about mine really not having close friends. Her love is music, not books.
I am looking to find other kids who love music the way she does. I have been asking homeschool friends and parents I see at various places.
I think a little band would be a great way to interact and develop musically.

Whether you should worry or not, you are a parent so you will anyway. Sometimes not being a joiner is a good thing. I would continue along the line of trying to get a "SERIOUS" book club together you mentioned she likes website, maybe start a local blog and have her review the books she reads and see if you can find a like minded friend together from there.

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like a cousin of mine.

My cousin is/was an avid reader also. She would have her nose in a book while she was in the pool, while she was in the car, any free moment she had, she was reading. She read more books by the 3rd grade than I read in my entire life. She never really had any friendships either. And it was exactly as you described. It was almost awkward watching her try to interact with others her own age. She, too, is very intelligent, and always made good grades in school. People always liked her because she had a good disposition, but she just never seemed interested in being very social. She, too, tried lots of activities over the years, but her one true love was reading, well, and God.

She ultimately went on to college to be very successful. She earned a degree in English (big surprise), joined a sorority, where she held many advisory positions, and eventually, after graduation, became a campus minister, where she spearheaded a program for introducing fellowship to college students.

Even though she wasn't very social as a child/teen, she did grow to develop some very close and fulfilling friendships. She is truly a lovely person, and everyone who gets to know her, loves her. Not because she is overtly social, but because when you talk to her, you know she is interested in what you are saying. Because she is loyal to a fault. Because she is kind and loving, intelligent, and funny.

She has always marched to a different beat than most of us. But she is happy, and is just a wonderful and unique young woman.

I worried about her growing up (she's 10 years younger than me), because I thought she needed friends, she needed a social life. I thought she must be lonely. But now I'm learning that that may not have been true. She found her peace and fulfillment in ways that I didn't understand. And that's ok.

And she is truly one of my favorite people in the world.

Your daughter sounds a lot like her to me, and if that's the case, don't worry. She'll be just fine. :)

Your daughter sounds wonderful! No worries mama! She sounds more mature than other girls her age. She's into reading and they are probably into makeup and boys.

She may find more friends in college, where people are a little more mature (although not much sometimes!) and there because they want to learn. She can pick her classes and find others interested in the same things.

She may need an adult to facilitate the book club. Our homeschool group has a teen book club and they are all wonderful kids who love books and reading. It's organized and facilitated by an adult.

You have a wonderful, unique child! She will find her way :)

You said "I am not a real social or outgoing person, I love to be alone and don't seem to feel the same need to be around people as others do. I live a very normal life though and do have a few close friendships."

Like Mother, like daughter! If you live a very normal life then you can rest assured that your daughter does now and will in the future.

Seems that you should be proud that she is just like YOU =-)

No, I do not think you should be worried at all. To me, it sounds like she has already found her path and passion, which is actually quite exciting.

Since she is an ardent lover of the written word, she might get great joy from sharing and discussing literature with others. I imagine she would also be able to further cultivate her personal "education" by meeting other preteens, teens and even adults who share her passion.

From that point of view, I wonder if there are activities better suited to her interests? Might there be a local home school group with a book club that she could join. If she enjoys writing as well as reading, she might join a writing group/creative writing course. When she was in theater, was she able to try directing, play writing or editing/reviewing scripts? If none of those ideas sound like a good fit, would you consider allowing her to attend an adult and/or women's book club?

ETA: Maybe she would enjoy taking a community course at your local junior college?

http://busapp02.santarosa.edu/communityeducation/ListCour...

http://busapp02.santarosa.edu/communityeducation/SelectCa...

Here's a Bay Area young writers camp
http://www.bayareawritingproject.org/bawp/

This is the Sonoma County Literary Newsletter and Calander:
http://literaryfolk.wordpress.com/

Don't worry. She will have friends in college. At Yale or Harvard or wherever she ends up that the kids are her intellectual equals. until then she is probably mature enough that she won't fall victim to drinking and smoking and drugs and, gasp, boys!!!!!

Count yourself lucky.... you've just alleviated yourself of about 6 years of chaos and drama.

Keep reinforcing that who she is... is who she is. And that is fine with you!

She sounds just like my sister. Total introvert and content amongst her books. She was like this all through HS and finally in college she made many real friendships, I think becasue the kids were finally mature enough for her to interact with. It never bothered my sister, bothered the heck out of my mom. To this day my sis doesn't have a million friends but the friends she does are life long quality relationships, she's luckier than most of us social-lites(lol)

I wouldn't worry at all. From what you've said, it sounds like your daughter is comfortable in her own skin and knows what she enjoys, without feeling the pressure to be a social butterfly like so many other girls her age. I would enjoy her for who she right now. There ARE other kids like her out there, and they will find each other eventually. But for now, added pressure to "fit in" and find friends might teach her that what she DOES enjoy (solace, books, intelligence, etc) has little value to a middle schooler. Don't worry - she will be just fine.

She seems like an introverted or anti-social person who is simply independent and prefers her own company and space. Might seem a bit selfish, but she will eventually find that ONE friend if any that shares her interest and they become buddies forever. Some adults are like that. Even you seem to have just a FEW close friendships and that's how it usually is. The shy, introverted people prefer one or two close long term friendships (sort of possess their friends) and the social folks have lots of friends seem popular and seek out people to talk to. Don't worry about it, I am sure it is normal or just her personality. If she isn't complaining or crying saying "Mommy I have no friends, nobody likes me), then that means she is ok with not having many.

Please don't worry and let her be. She sounds exactly like me! My first "real" friend was in high school and she would come over to my house and we would sit in my room and ignore each other while we read books, then we'd go bake something and watch Star Wars all night or something. :)

I did end up with like-minded friends in college and am very close to them. I graduated high school in three years because I felt it was a waste of my time and I wanted to get into college and learn something. I was friends with adults when I was a kid and exchanged letters with a woman who was about 50 years older than me for quite a while (she went to our church and we had a lot of the same cultural and literary interests). I have always considered myself "selectively social" rather than "anti-social" because I just preferred not to waste my time around people I had nothing in common with. It was very awkward when I had to have kids over and my parents finally gave up trying to force it. My two sisters were also much more outgoing and sociable with other people than I ever was. I do enjoy people more now as an adult but only socialize with a small number of particularly close ones.

Oh, I should probably add that I can remember thinking it would be nice to have a friend when I was a kid, but books were much nicer and I never met anyone else like me. When one of my high school friends met my husband (my fiance at the time) she said she had always thought it would be interesting to see me "meet" myself and now she had. I am thankfully married to someone who balances me very nicely, although he is both more and less social than I am in different ways. I do not feel that I missed out on anything by being the way I am.

She sounds fantastic! I wouldn't worry at all . . .

PS: I loved Lee P's post!

I think this is a really tough age for a lot of kids socially. Middle school is fraught with insecure, unhappy kids who often make things really difficult for each other. This could be her way of avoiding the drama (kind of like with what happened with the book group). If she seems confident and happy, then that's what matters, right? I suspect she'll find other kindred souls the older she gets.

I dont really think you need to worry if she seems to be well adjusted with who she is as you said she gets along fine with other kids she does not feel anxious or angry about school. I would not worry I think it is just the way she is I am sure if she wanted to she could have a lot of friends maybe she would just rather do without teenage girl drama.

I think she is just fine! Everyone is different, and that is what makes the world go 'round. My kids are as different as they can be -- I have one complete extrovert, and one complete introvert, and some in between, and they are all doing ok. I try not to worry -- you can't make someone into a personality that they don't naturally have. Having said that, I was quite shy as a child, and moved about 10 times before high school, and am now considered a real "people person" so people do change as well :) (maybe depending on the circumstances :)

It sounds like your daughter is very content with who she is and I think at age 11 that is pretty amazing. She might not have a best friend but it sounds like she does have aquintences which sometimes is just as good. If you can recognize that you are very similar to the way your daughter is and that you are happy with your life why would you be concerned that anything is wrong with her. She sounds pretty normal to me. Maybe if you still feel uncomfortable about it talk to your daughter and ask her how she feels abou it. If she is happy then that is what is more important then trying to conform her to something she is not. Just embrace who she is.

I think all the advice here that has already been given is great. If she wants to give starting another book club a go, check out the website: http://motherdaughterbookclub.com/ or the book by the author Book By Book. Ideally it is geared towards a mother daughter club (which you may consider?) but has tips that she can adapt for just a girls book club too. I started a book club for my daughter when she was in 3rd grade. It was a little early (b/c at first all they wanted to do was socialize) but here we are almost in our third year and the ones that really love reading have stuck with it. They look forward to the monthly meetings and have read some things they may not have. Tell her to give it time and see if she can find a few others that might want to join in. Good luck!

Don't worry. She's mature and she's a bookworm. Nothing wrong with that. I think YOU need to change your standard of what is "normal"!

Well then maybe she can join a book club??? Maybe with older kids???
That way she WILL be with other like minded kids.
And have things in common with them.

Your daughter seems more mature than other kids her age. Or she just does not find 'kiddie' things appealing. Her mindset... is higher.

Go by her interests.

She just goes by a different drum beat.
Being different is not 'bad.'
She should not feel something is 'wrong' with her.
That will lead to other problems.

Your daughter seems to KNOW herself very well.
AND she is HAPPY. She also likes, herself.
That is GOOD.
She has good qualities, to me.
Nurture her.

She is young.
As she gets older, she will blossom.

As a child, I did not really feel connected to other kids. I had no social problems. I just thought differently.
My late Dad, always VALUED that in me. I had good people instincts and evaluation abilities in many facets.
He said, that is the good thing about me... because those things- CANNOT be taught. It is intrinsic in a person.
That.. is good.

all the best,
Susan

Stop worrying. She is going through the hormonal change and would drop one after another of her friends if she has some.
Once she gets her period she will find a few friends she can relate to. I spent an entire year reading reclusively in my room from 11-12. After I was 12 I become more sociable.
On a scale of one to 10 I would rate myself an 8 1/2 for being a social type.
One of my daughters on the same scale is a 5. She has a few good friends. The another daughter has social skills and has some friends but is married to a curmudgeon and so has a very curtailed social life.
If your daughter makes a couple of friends who last it'll be good enough.

Hi,

I didn't read the other responses but I wanted to pass this onto you and maybe it will help. My family and I have moved a lot for my husbands job. Our 5th grader is now in her 4th elementary school. She is painfully shy. She says the girls all like her, but there have been no play date invites. So, what I have done (and you may have seen this post for ideas already) is planned a Get To Know You party for her and my other daughter. Yesterday we printed out invitations and today they passed them out to all the girls in their classes. We are going to have pizza, soda and snacks. We are planning to have the girls play Wii Let's Dance, a couple of interactive board games, maybe make a picture frame and print a group photo for the girls to take home, make ice cream sundaes and just let the girls get to know each other. Would this be possible for your daughter to have something like this too? She may just see there are girls out there that WANT to get to know her and be her friend.

Hope this helps!

I don't see anything to worry about. I was once like your daughter--loved to read and didn't really care to be around people or other kids. I prefered adults. I liked current events, books, philosophy etc. and NONE of the kids my age liked that kind of stuff. She is unique and smart and will do just fine. She doesn't fit into the typical mold of normal behaviors, and thats ok. She sounds delightful! My only suggestion would be to see if she would like to try and meet some new friends at the library or some other place that she enjoys. Other than that, keep encouraging her to be open and available to friends and share her passions. There are bound to be other people who share her passions and would love to be friends-she just hasn't found them yet. Take care!

M

I was always (and still am) kind of a loner. I would have friends call and ask me to spend the night with them, and when I would go "ask" my mom, I would shake my head "no", because I really just enjoyed being at home doing the things that I love. I am still like this. I know lots of people who have had life long friends, but I am just not one of them. I have my family, they love me, and I am intensely happy. She sounds fine to me.

About the book club thing, my daughter is part of a summer reading club, but the "mom in charge" really has the girls take it seriously. If they didn't read the chapters that were assigned, then she asked them not to come. It seems a little harsh at first, but then when you see how the girls really get into the discussion when they all know what the book is about, it is really amazing to hear how each person as a different view of things. Last summer the club read "From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler", "Island of the Blue Dolphins", and "The Westing Game". Each book had a movie made about it, so after they read the book, they watched the movie for a fun evening of socializing.

She sounds normal and well rounded, just very far to one side on the introverted scale and more mature than her peers. If that is the case, you cannot FORCE her to be more social. It's uncomfortable. It sounds like she can be social when she chooses to and she chooses not to.