My Daughter Doesn't Appreciate Me

Updated on January 17, 2007
B.H. asks from Edna, TX
14 answers

My oldest daugher is always cutting me down and making me feel bad.I don't understand why
I am always babysitting her kids and doing things for her all the time.If she wants me to do something for her I never say no.I love my daughter but am getting tired of her making me feel like I'm not worth anything.She talks about the way I dress and I don't think there is anything wrong with the way I dress.what can I do.B.

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So What Happened?

This is great! I had a talk with my daughter and she totally understood and said she didn't realize what she was saying.She invited me for coffee today and we had a nice visit.I was afraid to tell her anything but, I took your advice. Thanks everybody.

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answers from Houston on

I am with Doris, JUST SAY NO!! If it is not appreciated, don't do it. If she makes you feel poorly and cannot treat you with respect, then stop doing all of this for her. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE IT!!!!!

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answers from Fayetteville on


I hate to hear that you have to go through this! And all though I don't have any kids that are old enough to do this to me, this is how my sister treat my mother and I. I take care of 3 out of 4 of her kids and before I had them my mother and father raise all 4 of them, then they got divorced. And my aunt has her other kid. But my point is this. I know it hurts because I'm there and been there for the last 4 years. My sister will go all over town starting stuff about us and saying bad things and making fun of us. It's not easy to hear or explain either. But every time I turn around she is wanting a place to stay or money or something and I had to learn that no matter how much trouble she is in I've got to say no. Although I'm sure your daughter isn't as bad as my sister I feel for you. My sister will never appreciate anyone. And it is very had to say no when you love someone that much but if you don't she never will appreciate you. Have you told her how it makes you feel? And that you like the way you dress even if she doesn't. I'm told that some times you have to just tell them, Hey I don't like what you are saying and I feel like you don't appreciate me! I've done this serveral times with my sister and it seems to calm her mouth down for at least a couple of days. Best of luck! And if you should want to talk you can email me any time. [email protected]

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on


Just say, "No!" You ARE valuable and worthy of respect - by your daughter and others. If you are always available, your value can go down. That's why diamonds are much more costly than crystals, don't you think?

Seriously, your daughter needs to learn that you aren't always available at her beck and call - so, don't be available!

Not being open to every, single thing she wants and expects doesn't mean you love her less - you're teaching her that all women have great value and their time is worth a lot - not only monetarily, but in respect and regard.

And, as a grown woman, your choice of clothing is not open for discussion unless YOU initiate the conversation. Sounds like your daughter could use a big lesson in old-fashioned manners.

Remember that being firm is just as loving as giving in.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New Orleans on

I hate to tell you, B., but you sound like a doormat. Your daughter (or anyone, for that matter) can't take advantage of you without your permission. You have two options: 1 - stand up to her and tell her you will not be treated so badly anymore and that her insults hurt you; or 2 - do nothing, and her behavior will continue and probably get alot worse. And a tip -- stop putting yourself out there for her so much. Make sure she deserves your help.



answers from Shreveport on

Just say no!!!!!!!!!!!



answers from New Orleans on

That's real sad, I had to respond. I think that's down right disrespectful. My mom had done some crazy and mean things and I'm twenty four years old with one son. I still love my mom and she treats my son like her own and spoils him rotten. I'm sorry you're not feeling appreciated, you should stop helping your daughter until she learns how to respect and appreciate you. You can come to my mom's group and we'll appreciate you. It's on Feb 23rd. You can email me at [email protected]
Hope you feel better and it all works out.



answers from Houston on

Dont feel bad , I am sure she is young and she doesnt know a lot about life, but at the end there is only one mom, she will be mature anough one day to appreciate you, I would give anyhting to have a mom that never said no when I need her, she lives a few blocks away but our relationship change a lot in the last years,"maybe you should talk to her hearth to hearth" let her know your feelings, And you are worth a lot for the simple fact of being a mother and being there for yor children
have faith, god loves you :)



answers from Houston on

wow. When i read that it almost brought tears to my eyes. I am 24 with two boys 6yrs and 6wks. In june of 06 i lost my mom. I am the only child and to hear that your daughter says thoes things just hurts my heart. I dont know your story or the background you and your daughter have togeather but i know that growing up me and my mom were not close. For whatever reason she could not get stable to save her life so we were always moving form one persons house to the next. Most of the time we didnt stay togeather she was with one relative and i lived with another. In my eyes she was really never there for me growing up and i resented her for the longest for this. I didnt listen to her and at times was disrespectful myself. at the age of 17 i had my son and everything changed. (my mom had finally become stable she had been in her own place for about a year before my pregnancy). She was so excepting and supportive of the situation, she was there for me like no one else. I did finally forgive my mom once i had my son. She loved her grandchild like he was her own and thats when i understood that sometimes parents do make mistakes but do their best to keep you happy and safe. ANYWAY i say all this just becuase maybe something happened with your daughter and you that she has not forgiving you for. Maybe she holds sometype of deep resentment towards you. My mom never understood how hurt i was about my situation growing up. Maybe it is something that you may not think is bad but in her mind was the worst. Talk to her about it and let her know how you are feeling. Ask her if it is anything that you have done. Before my mom died at the young age of 46 me and her had become the best of friends. I pray the same for you and your daughter.



answers from Little Rock on

B., I think you have to learn to say no to your daughter, she needs to learn how lucky she is to have a mom like you. I'am 26 and was raised by my father there is not one day I wish I had a mother to talk too. If you always do what she wants she will always cut you down and make you fell worthless. Teach her how lucky she is to have you & what will she do without you. Hope everything works out for you.



answers from Pine Bluff on

<<If she wants me to do something for her...>>
OK, so she's TELLING you, not ASKING you. BIG disrespect on her part for you and your life.

<<...I never say no.>>
You are ALLOWING her to continue to run over you and disrespect you. Why? What is the history between you two? Because I know these issues didn't just magically appear last week. We all know how important it is to create boundaries for our small children, and that must continue into adulthood.

And no, you don't deserve this treatment, no matter what is in your past with your daughter. If I talked to my mother the way your daughter was, I would get my 36-year-old self in some serious trouble!!

I'm sure that the kids are there when she is saying these mean things...? #1: She is giving them the message that it is OK to talk to their grandmother like that = their grandmother (i.e. all 'elders') is not "worth" being treated well. #2: She is setting herself up to be treated in the exact same manner by them when they grow up -- we tend to imitate what we see, unless and until we have the intelligence to step outside of ourselves and objectively see that we need to change our behavior. #3: The kids are also learning by YOUR RESPONSE to your daughter -- "Oh, if someone talks badly to me it is OK to take it and let it continue." WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, on all 3 counts.

I'd definitely sit down and talk with her and tell her how her behavior makes you feel -- WITHOUT THE KIDS AROUND. She could just use them as a distraction, or to cut off the conversation. Tell her how it hurts your feelings. Tell her what you are telling us in your post. Tell her that you will not tolerate her talking to you in this manner ANYMORE. If she gets angry, so be it. And when she talks this way to you in the future, you MUST tell her to stop immediately. You must command her respect and make sure that the children see you standing up for yourself.

Also, I'd start having things to do so that she doesn't have the luxury of running to you for everything. Heck, say, "Oh, I'm sorry, Sally and I have plans to go and see a movie." Then call Sally as fast as you can and ask her to a movie, ha ha! If Sally can't go, just go and do it by yourself! Just an example but you get what I'm saying. Get involved in something that happens on a regular basis so that you can tell her, "I wish I could ________ for you, but you know that Thursday is when I have that class/play cards/go to the book club." Don't make yourself so available to her.

YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING! You deserve for your daughter to treat you with the respect that a mother deserves. Obviously, she is not going to pause, reflect, and say, "Hm, gee, I guess I need to stop acting like this...." so you are going to have to be the one to take action.

I wish you the best. If you need anything, holler at me. :)



answers from Fort Smith on

My sister did the same thing to my mom. It wasn't till about two years ago that understood why. It was no excuse but, she was not happy with her life or herself. She was married to a man that downed her, cheated on her, and left her with nothing but three kids. Maybe your daughter is lashing out at you for the same thing. I finally convinced my mom that she needed to stand up for herself and say "NO" to my sister. She was worried that she would never see the kids. So she started by telling her how much she loves her and how she was sorry that her life was so bad that she blamed her for her problems. Mom told her that the blam lies else where and she was not going to take her crulity any more, and if that means she can't see the kids then so be it. There will be no more watching kids, no more money, and no more being a taxi till she learned to respect her. Well of course my sister got mad and it of course it was someone elses fault. It took me standing behind my mom to make a believer out of her but it worked. Mom sees and watches the kids when she wants them! Well my sister got a divorce, met a man that has changed her so much only God could have sent him. My sister respects my mom and at christmas 2006 i heard my sister for the first time in my life tell my mom that she loves her, and that she was very sorry that she put her through so much. Mom cried but it took a lot of courage to stand up to her. I hope this can help you but you have to be strong. God bless you!



answers from Shreveport on

maybe a sit down talk with your daughter will be ok just tell her how you feel and after that put it in God's hands.



answers from Texarkana on

I am also the oldest and only daughter my mom has. She is 46 years old and yes she does alot for me also. I will admit that sometimes I do criticize what she is wearing. But I can say the only reason I do this is to help her. She used to weigh 254 pounds and she got tired of it and now she weighs 204 and I am very proud of her but she still wants to wear old clothes that does not reveal the new mom. I am 29 years old and I have two little brothers. The middle one is 28 and the youngest is 17. The little one takes advantage of her and when she complains to my older brother and I she never listens to our suggestions she continues to buy for him and let him get away with everything including bossing her around. But back to the clothes she is getting a divorce from my step dad who has been critizing her for the last 11 1/2 years and she needs to be happier about herself now. So ask your daughter what the reason is behind her doing this. Maybe she has a certain reason. Bye



answers from Alexandria on

B., If my daughter was always doing that and I was helping her all the time, I would ask her why. I wouldn't be available as much to her until she learned to respect me. In the meantime, I would buy a full length mirror and take a really good look at myself, too. I would ask myself a few questions like what I could do differently to look better and more sophisticated. As we get older, we tend to just keep wearing the same type things that we wore 15 years ago and maybe it doesn't work too good for us now and you may be right there may not be anything wrong with the way you dress. I enjoy watching a show called "What not to wear." It is funny and I have learned alot from them. Like me, I cannot wear my hair long. I look so much younger with it short and a perm in it. Best of luck to you. Your daughter is so fortunate to have a mother who helps her so much. She should be praising you and definitely not cutting you down. God bless you!

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