My Dad Is Driving Me Nutty

When you feel these times of "nuttyness" remember that you won't have him forever. He has noone now but you kids. Shame on you if you can't spare a25 minute ride one way once a week to them man that worked, paid the bills, and IS lonely without having a companion. Men are too proud to admit they NEED anything. Have you not figured that out by your husband yet? I understand both sides of the situation...I've been on both ends. When you're older you'll understand how he feels when your kids are not there for you when you want them. You're not the only one in this situation. I bet 95% of families deal with this situation. Maybe thru church or VFW tye places, he'll get envolved with a widow and they'll have lots in common. A companion is exactly what he needs, you're right. Help him to get to that place so some of that burdensome feeling leaves you because you know he's being loved and cared for by someone else. Sorry if I sound a little rough but I'm in the same situation so I understand completely. If you need any questions answered, write me back..I'll be happy to help if I can. My spouse passed 12 years ago. I and your dad will never get over it. We have no "kids" to keep us busy so our minds don't runamuck all day unless our kids are around us.

Hello,
Since your dad is healthy, how about he comes out and visits you?
Maybe you can plan a family dinner every other week end. It's an idea.

Also, does he have any friends or relatives he can go visit. Perhaps a trip
to see his sister, cousin, etc. Would do him wonders. Sounds like he has the time
and is healthy enough to do it. If you think he can afford it, suggest it to him.
Or talk to that relative and have them suggest he comes out.

It's amazing what a change of atmosphere can do. He'll come back happy and with lots
of new stories to tell. And maybe for a short while, he'll stop hassling you!

Does he belong to a church? Many times they have group meeting/outings for widows.
He could get involved with that, and make some new friends.
There are also Senior citizen centers and Senior events through the park district.
They meet once a week for lunch, bingo and other activities. Even day and weekend trips.You may even want to look into a retirement community. It will make it a lot easier
for him to meet people his age and with similar interests.

Well, these are just some ideas. I do know what it is like. I dealt with it with my Mom.
But unlike your Dad, my mother became ill after my fathers death and our relationship
ended up revolving around her health care and worrying about her health.

Be happy that your Dad is still young and healthy and I'm assuming, can and does drive,
pay his own bills, do his own grocery shopping, drive himself to doctors appointments, can take long walks, etc. My mother did not drive and had a hard time walking, doubling the burden on me and my sisters.

This may not be much consolation, but things could be much worse! He won't be young
forever. Take advantage of his being healthy while you can.
Take that vacation with your husband. (have grandpa watch the kids) Make sure grandpa shows up to your kids soccer games, recitals, etc. And if there is anything you thought you might like to do with him, plan it now.

I do not think you are selfish. It is hard to be everything to a parent. Especially when
you do not live close and have your own concerns to deal with.

Last thought… My Dad had a tendency to complain and be super critical.
My one sister would always get into fights with him. I on the other hand,
would simply say "Oh, your just a grumpy old bear." and give him a big hug.
Surprisingly it would shut him up!

Good Luck!!!

Hi L.-

I can see you are very torn about this issue with your father and my heart goes out to you. Your issues with your father are so remarkably similar to our issues with my in-laws I can hardly believe it. If or until your father becomes interested in an engrossing hobby, works part time or joins some kind of social network he will rely mostly on you and your sister for his socialization. I know that can be very difficult when he is so critical. My in-laws are always questioning, criticizing and second guessing every single move that we make and it has put a big strain on our relationship with them. Have you had an open heart to heart conversation about how YOU feel about your relationship with your father? Sometimes people don't realize the impact that they have on other people. My husband has spoken to his parents about his feelings and had a little bit of success. I think they will never change for anyone but sometimes if they think they will lose their relationship with their kids they may re-evaluate their attitude.

We have decided to see our in-laws less often-maybe once a month and keep the conversations very, very general so that we can avoid heated arguing. It's not the ideal situation but it works for now. Hopefully one day we can have a relationship based on mutual respect and honesty but for now we have to do what we feel comfortable with.

Good luck to you. I hope things get better for you.

Although this may sound backwards, try scheduling a short time to see your dad a few times a week, say Tuesdays and Thursdays for an hour and a half each. A 25 minute drive is not so bad- just bring your kids favorite songs or a book on tape.
If you hang out with him regularly like that, I think alot of the pressure will be taken off, and you get him in smaller doses.
Once you establish this routine, it should be easier to talk to your dad about expanding his circle of friends (or lack thereof).
Good luck to you and your family!

L.,

You sound like a wonderful daughter and mother. I imagine this must be hard for you...it is hard to readjust our relationships with our parents as we all age. How computer savvy is your dad? Maybe you can introduce him to Facebook, where he can reach out to others and reconnect with old friends. If you are not on it, maybe you can get an account as well and that way you can keep in touch more often, but not always face to face....

Also, if your dad is not averse to internet interaction, what about suggesting online dating? Young, healthy and loving...he is probably a huge catch!

Hope this is helpful!

Dear L., I teach the Transcendental Meditation technique. In the course of teaching this wonderful technique, I've seen that happiness can grow for anyone, whether 15 or 65. This may be a real solution for your
Dad because it is not about telling him to how to behave differently with you or with friends. He can do it himself, and easily. I guess what I'm saying is that if he has a technique like this where bliss grows from the inside very naturally, the changes in behavior come about naturally without someone trying to engineer them. David Lynch, famous film producer who provides this technique for schools, says on Youtube that this kind of approach caused him to lose his anger and increase creativity.
This is not a religion, by the way. Your Dad simply needs more happiness.

My father passed away in 2001. What I wouldn't give to just sit there and have a boring conversation or not one at all. He didn't call me much, probably the same as your dad saying he doesn't need anyone. It's not up to you to help him, change him or save him. He has to do that himself. But if you one day don't have him, you might say what if. So, if you can go sit with him every now and then and read a book if he's not a chatter, or watch a movie then I recommend you do so. My dad is gone and I have two sons, one eighteen and a child in the military who I miss more than anything. I hope one day when I am old and crazy and boring that he will be alive long enough to spend some time with me.

In general I think you should remember that you cannot change him to fit into the kind of relationship you want - not at this point. You can only change your expectations of him and your interactions with him. That may mean giving up on the dream that the relationship could be what you've always wanted from a father. I don't mean to say you are being selfish - I can tell the changes you want would be good for him too - but that is not within your control. These are loaded complicated issues and I urge you to seek some form of counseling to help you negotiate thru this maze and come out on the other side. I hope you can find peace with your dad. Counseling could be short term or long and very helpful for you. Good luck!