My Dad & My Boys

My mom has dealt with the same grief you describe. She was never close to her parents and has issues with them being missionaries and making that more important than family. She has always grieved that none of her children know her parents. Since we are all adults, we joke when she talks about them and say "grandpa who? do we have a grandpa?" But I always have reassured her that we don't feel a void because we don't have a relationship with them. My parents are so family oriented and keep our family close. We have been fulfilled by our immediate family and none of us are lacking anything.

That is the only thing in your control. You work on your role as a parent and keep your family close. They will not feel the grief you do for his lack of involvement. Unfortunately you can only control yourself. He has made his priorities. Focusing on how that bothers you will only affect your ability to be the mom your kids need.

Well first I would make sure that his newfound beliefs are doctrinely sound before I would even allow him near my kids. I do the same thing with my mother, she's more wiccan than Christian now and I don't want my kids around that stuff. So they don't have much to do with her.

I do mourn the loss of Gammy time because I had such a wonderful time with her parents but she's never going to be like them so it's better to just let it go.

As I told another poster:
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Be honest when you speak
Do the best you can

Your heart will feel so much better if you just live by those 2 rules.

A.,
Maybe you try inviting your father over? or see if you can sit down w/ him and express how you are feeling. At least then you know your Dad knows how your feeling. Try not to attack his wife that won't get you any where. Do you think your Dad has a hard time with your boys because of the clubfeet? I don't know. I hope your family can work it out, but if it doesn't at least you know you tried. Good Luck to you and your family.
K.

Hi A., I totally understand what you are going through. It is actually my grandfather that has nothing to do with our family anymore since getting remarried. He lived a few blocks from me and never came to visit. He has never seen my son and will probably never see my daughter either. We talk to him maybe once at year around Christmas time he never sends anything for the kids for Christmas or anything. He actually told my cousin when she was expecting her little girl that he doesn't have time for her, he has his own grandchildren now. Don't know what that was supposed to mean we are his grandkids. I guess he meant his new wife's grandkids. I have just found it easier to move on and try to forget about him. Just wanted to let you know your not alone and I wish you the best!!

The only thing I can say is talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him about how it hurt you to not know your Granfather. Point out to him all the things he will be missing out on. After that it's up to him. My dad missed out on a lot because he chose not to be there. About 10 years ago I let him have it and told him how angry and hurt I was. At the time it didn't seem to make much of a difference to him. Now he's semi-invloved with my life. It's difficult because he lives far away from me, but when my son was born he came out to visit and is already planning another one. Unfortunately you can't make your dad do anything. If he chooses not to be there you might want to look into an adopt-a-grandparent program.

Maybe you could call your dad and go to church with him. That might be a start.

I too know the rejection of my children to a grandparent. The best thing I did for my daughter was to stop trying to make other people love her. I knew that the people that were involved in her life loved her more than anything. As long as you show your babies all the love you can, they will not even notice the peole who aren't there. I grew up without a grandfather on both sides of my family, and I got all the love I needed from the people that were in my lives. Just let it go and focus on showing all the love you can to your sons.One thing is that if he does decide to be in their lives at some point, dont let him peek in and out of their lives. Men either need to have a major role in a childs life or no role at all.

I'm with Kim. Telling Dad how much you miss him and how important you think he is to his grandchildren might tug at his heart strings.

Here are a couple of other ideas:

1. If you can make friends with the wife, you might be invited over more often. It's often the wife who plans social time.

2. I don't know what the religion thing is all about, but maybe they have some family activities (picnics, easter egg hunts, fun events, etc) that you and/or the kids could attend with your father.

Sometimes children are wiser than parents. Good luck and don't give up!