My Childs Make People Think I Hurt Him When We're in Public

I would just remove him from the situation. I know it's really hard... especially if you're grocery shopping or something... but they say you should just leave. No matter where you are you leave immediately. If you're consistent w/ it he'll realize he can't play w/ anyone and he gets nothing from the grocery store... etc. Good luck!

How do you react when he cries out like that? I would also try completely ignoring it. Don't even look at him... he's doing it for all the attention!

I've seen this before. The best thing to do is back off, and stay calm, quiet but firm. My bro used to literally slam his head and body into the floor and pretend it was my mom abusing him. He has some mental issues to deal with though, but even children without issues can still throw tantrums like this.

Here are some tantrum advice that may help you approach it in a different way:

http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/parenting/...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp#T063306

Maybe instead of you putting his face in front of you with your hands, try kneeling down to his level and see if that helps.

What is your reaction when he does this? I can imagine you’re embarrassed because you think others actually believe you are hurting him so this will likely cause you to not react.

If that were my son and he misbehaved and talked back, then started screaming that I was hurting him… I would have left the park right then and there.

Then I would sit him down and talk to him about it once he was calm. That behavior is unacceptable and next time you do that this will be your consequence (ie: leaving the park, not going to the park if you hadn’t been yet, etc).

Let him know he is seeking the wrong kind of attention and what could happen if someone actually thought you were hurting him. Speak to him calmly and with patience, not out of anger.

You might actually want to ask him when he is not doing it, WHY he does that.

Best of luck!

First of all, you can't be seen putting your hands anywhere near his throat. Even if you don't leave marks it looks incriminating. One of the kids in my child care center was removed from his home for his mom doing this and he didn't have noticeable bruises or marks either. All she did was make him look at her too. Child welfare considered it to be too close to his throat to not be choking.

Taking him by the hand and sitting down with him facing away from you is okay. He may try to head butt you so keep your hand between his head and your face. Sometimes I will gently stroke J's hair so it is more calming. Plus it looks like you are trying to help him calm down. He may also try to kick you with the back of his shoes. This hurts but if you can handle the kicks a few times he will think it doesn't hurt and not do it all the time.

J has behavior issues and we are in a program at our local mental health facility so we are trying to learn better things to do when he acts up in public.

Love and Logic classes say when kids act like this you set them up so that when they do this again someone comes and gets them and you stay at the activity. They find out when they act up they leave an it doesn't spoil your fun. If you tell the child before entering the place that if he does X or X then he will have to leave. You do these things with him because you enjoy spending time with him and that it's fun for you. When he acts up it's not fun for you anymore so he will have to leave so you can still have fun.....

It only takes once or twice and just the mention of him leaving he will get right in line with what you want him to do.

I have that problem with my oldest son (he's 8 1/2). He also has behavioral issues, etc. His therapist told me that when he does it that I need to remember not to get angry (you shouldn't react or discipline in anger since it always makes it worse and you often do something you regret), and calmly speak to him. I often have to do this with my son.

It is mortifying to be walking down an aisle at the store, holding onto a struggling child screaming that you're hurting him, you're breaking his bones, you'er not his mom, but of course if you look there's no bruising, no red marks, no cutting etc. The therapist told me to never lose my cool during this, to keep calmly saying things such as, "I'm not hurting you, I understand you're upset but it's not Ok to ____." and I just keep repeating myself. I think I would get a lot more reaction to people if I went charging down an aisle or something with a pissed off look and was obviously dragging him behind me, etc. But as long as I stay patient, don't let it get to me I get more pitying or understanding looks than anything else. My other three kids have picked this behavior up as well and I use the same technique. I don't ignore the behavior, they do get disciplined, but I also don't let their tantrums phase me. If I did, I'd be a raving lunatic. Also, we always leave the situation even if it upsets the other kids. Usually, when he's to that point (or any of them really) there's no way I'll be able to get him to sit quietly next time to me. Good luck!

If your definition of grabbing is anything like mine, I hope you will try alternatives that teach mutual respect instead of overpowering your child. That will only work while he's small, and it sounds like it's already not working so well. This is a great time to re-evaluate your parenting techniques. One of the most important things I ever "got" as a parent and caregiver was the need to be consistently firm but gentle and respectful, because children learn FIRST from imitation and only second from our words.

I was a hands-on mom and am now a hands-on granny, but the only time I have ever "grabbed" a child was to avert a dangerous situation. Touching, holding, constraining, embracing are all gentle parental maneuvers. Grabbing, at least as I experience it, is a different category of forcefulness, suggesting anger, impatience, and lack of respect for the child's person.

The same is true of the tone we use with our children. There is a world of difference between telling a child "Please use a calm voice and tell me what you need," and, "You don't talk to Mommy like that." The latter is using the tone of voice you DON'T want your son to use with you or others, so there is a disconnect between example and instruction. I'm not sure how old your son is, but he is apparently still young enough to be defaulting to your example.

Are you hurting him? If fear is rising when you "grab" him, then he can very well be experiencing that as hurt, or fear of hurt. Whether or not this it true, if you want calm, compliant children, they need a calmly assertive mommy.

There are wonderful parenting books available to help you get there. Since my grandson was about 2.5, I've used the techiniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. He's now 5, and almost 100% of the time, he's a great team player and creative problem solver, respectful, cheerful and polite. He reflects the tone and attitudes of his parents and other adults in his life life.

I'm very much enjoying reading the books Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD., and Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected.

If you're one of the lucky parents whose child is "More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic," you'll find wonderful advice in Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Kurcinka.

I wish you all well.

No, no, no! Do not take the advice to back down. If you need him to look at you and he won't (which is a control thing for him), then YES you grab his 'shoulders' and make him face you. If you just 'hope he listens' next time - he is going to play you like a fiddle! He is five - you have to take control now. He is testing your boundaries and with some of the advice you have been given, he is going to win. Yes, you need to show respect, but with that you have to show who is in control. He's got your number when you are in public and he knows it. What I do is set the expectation of behavior before we leave the car. I would say to your son, if you scream and say I am hurting you b/c YOU are the ONE misbehaving then...insert consequence here... Good luck!

I just have to say that if one of my kids is acting up in public- we leave- even if it's "unfair" to my other kids- I do not tolerate misbehavior like that and if the only way to handle it is to leave, you leave- and let your child know that because of his behavior he ruined it for the rest of the family. He's doing it because he knows he can get away with it. I personally don't grab my child's face, but if they are back talking me and not doing what they are supposed to be doing- we are leaving- no discussion. My kids all know this. It takes a few times before it sinks in that mom is serious- but it works, and they are generally well behaved.
You can and probably should give him a warning- but just one. "Don't talk to mommy that way, I don't like it- or we will go home." and if he tests you on it- take him home.
Good luck!
~C.

It's possible that he always feels that strongly about how you handle him, but only reacts in public because saying it at home would fall on deaf ears. I don't know how old your son is, but it's entirely possible that he is unable to voice something, which is that the way you grab him is unfair and upsetting. The easiest way to solve his behavior issue is to solve your own: Stop putting your hands on him when you want his attention, stop grabbing his face, stop grabbing his arm, stop physically forcing him to do anything. It actually is unfair, and possibly very scary to him.

You must be consistent or else the manipulation will get worse. The important thing is to be sure to keep your cool, so it's obvious to onlookers that you're not acting out of anger/rage. Just remove him from the situation and say, when you act this way, you cannot be around people. If you are calm, cool and collected (which you can be now that you're mentally prepared for his response) people will be able to see that what he's saying is not true and it's just a child who doesn't want to be disciplined. It WILL get worse if / when he sees you experiencing anxiety and caving when he puts on this act. Nip it in the bud now!

Good luck!

Oh, HECK NO. I'd give him something to cry about. I have been known (not frequently, because generally about once a year is enough) to haul my kids off to the nearest restroom and, let's just say, "remind" them firmly how it is that we behave. When the child understands that the penalty for disrespect (which is exactly what this is) is that the whole entire world comes to a screeching halt while the fury of mommy comes down on them... they will stop the behavior and not repeat it for a loooong time. It's the embarrassment of being hauled off in front of everyone that does it, and everyone knowing they are getting the what-for in the restroom. Puts their priorities right back in order!

You should NOT worry about being unfair to the other kids. My rule is that if anyone acts up, we leave. Trust me when I say that the other kids will heap their own lectures on him about making them miss out. What he is doing is wrong and frankly, I'd give him a spanking for it when I got home. I've never made that suggestion on here. I am not so into spanking. I think it should be reserved for very bad things. What he is doing is manipulative and very BAD. You are NOT disrespecting him. The way people are raising their kids today is just laughable.

OMG He has almost won!!! NO. You do not stop disciplining him because he pretends you are hurting him.

Whatever the behavior is that you are teaching not to do: Tantrums. Hitting. Protesting your directions. Whatever. If he's over 3, he can understand and have consequences after the fact. He needs an explanation first the very first time he does it. A warning the next time, and consequence the third time. Every time. Even if it means removing him from the scene immediately for a consequence in the car or restroom. Once he absolutely knows better, you can remove the warning and just remove him for discipline with the calm explanation (to him) of what he decided to do as the reason. Once you have done this a couple of times, he will believe your advance warning the next time and control himself.

He may get away with this one or two more times until he sees you mean it, but then he won't do it again once he gets it. My kids all tried tantrums in public despite my advance warning. ONCE.

You explain to him that he will not scream and say you are hurting him when you talk to him or X will happen. Then if he does it, make sure X happens. Warn him again in advance the next time, and if necessary, follow through if he still decides to do it. I would make his next few public appearances in anonymous locations, so you don't have to enforce in front of playgroup mommies.

Don't worry, that mom knew you weren't hurting him unless she's clueless, I see kids yell that all the time at their parents as a form of a tantrum.

The key is being diligent at home so his self control for the behaviors that lead to you having to grab his face and arm in the first place are nipped at just a verbal warning. The "You're Hurting me" thing is stage 3 after a few steps that will be avoided if you firm up.

He should NEVER have felt like he would be allowed to yell at you and use a tone-in public OR at home- before you turned to him to reprimand him. His discipline should have come when he did that, not the opportunity to punish you for correcting him by screaming.

Sounds harsh, but none of our kids ever speak disrespectfully to us-nor us to them-or throw fits. If they did, they would immediately be swept up and away to be dealt with (heck ya, spanking)-and then brought right back to where we were so they could behave. We would NEVER leave, and we would repeat as many times as necessary. They get the calm, "OK, we're going back to the ..store..party..dining room...and if you decide to pull that again, we'll be right back here. If you are polite, we'll have a great time. Your choice." But again, never happens, and we never yell or get mad. Discipline as prevention when things are first attempted is key. Then the habit to do the behaviors never forms.

He's used to getting away with stuff.

Good luck, be firm! This book is great
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I feel the less you yell at him the less he will yell at you. You bend down to his level so you are looking him in the eyes (then you dont need to grab his face) and you speak to him in a very quiet but VERY stern voice. If this is new to him it will double the impact. Reward the children who behaved well with a small treat or sticker or praise. We teachers deal with 20 five year olds and believe me some of them are much worse than your kids! and we don't have to resort to grabbing them by the arm or face.

Hi Mama
Once you know that you are not hurting him then you are not.! and you should not feel mortified.
He is playing a little mind game especially if he is only doing this in public.
My three year old tried this and I nipped it in the bud straight away and showed him that this was not affecting me.
Try to ignore it and go about your business of your usual parenting methods. Moms should be supporting each other and realise,as you said, you are not hurting him.
Best of luck
B.

I have to agree with Carrie B. A few nights ago our whole family was at a get-together. My son acted up and disobeyed the rules, therefore we all left the party. The other kids knew why we were leaving and were annoyed with him. I think this is a good way for children to learn how their actions affect others.

My 3 year old will say things like "stop screaming at me" or "you're being really rude to me" if I get upset with her, even if I am not yelling. But the way she perceives it is that I am screaming and being rude. So the best way (and I have actually seen a 180 degree turn in her behavior lately) is to get down to her level, tell her (calmly!) that her behavior is not acceptable, and give a consequence. Then give lots of praise when she/he is behaving well.

Nobody can judge you harshly if they see that you are calmly talking to your child, or even picking him up and carrying him away, as long as you look calm and in control when he is screaming. And he'll quickly learn that what he is doing is not getting the results he wants, so he'll stop doing it.

I would take him and leave the immediate area. If you need to, go out to your car.

Make sure to set the ground rules BEFORE you go somewhere. Even if you have 2 other kids, LEAVE if he acts up like this. And make sure he knows ahead of time that the next time, he will be left home with a sitter. (And make sure the sitter knows that it is NOT to be a "fun" time. He will sit and look at books or ..... for the time that you take the other 2 to the fun activity.) Once he knows you are serious, he'll start behaving.

BE FIRM, BE CONSISTENT, and BE FAIR (with the punishment fitting the crime.)!

Isn't he cleaver? Don't take him out until he learns how to behave. Tell him repeatedly why he is staying home and not accompanying you-he has lost the privilege. While you are not hurting him-his behavior is hurting his chances of being out and about-talk to him about it.

My daughter did this a few times when she was about four (years ago, so I can't remember exactly). She seemed to relish the attention she got, plus she figured it was a way to avoid needing to obey in public. It only happened when she was being called out for doing something she knew was completely unacceptable, i.e. grabbing things in a store or climbing on things, that she wanted to do, and when she had an audience. If I put a hand on her arm to stop her, off she'd go with the drama. Well, that wasn't going to fly.

So I explained to her that the government takes kids away from parents who hurt them. I explained that if she continued to behave that way in public, sooner or later some kind person would mistake her dramatic outburst for the real thing and call the police. I also told her that, of course, if someone were really hurting her, she should scream her head off.

In addition, I let her know that public tantrums would result in our immediate departure from wherever we were. And even though it was inconvenient for me, I followed through. The drama ceased shortly after.

Good luck.

You don't say how old your son is, so this may not apply. ;)
When Z was little, I used to do the count (to 3). Not loud, just enough so that he could hear me. I can't tell you how many times I picked him up and stormed through the store to the doors - with him kicking and screaming all the while. Yes, I felt bad. Yes, I felt embarrassed. But I also knew that if I acted like other people's opinions mattered that I would never get anything done.
Perhaps if you see this other mom soon, you could apologize to her for his outburst. Say something like "Oh, I'm so sorry you had to see that! He gets overly dramatic when I correct him around people but we're working on it." and leave it at that. Maybe she'll have some ideas too!
Good luck!

This is just a quick thought that might have already been mentioned... but instead of grabbing his face to get his attention, have you tried getting down on your knees right in front of him and saying, "look at my face." I've done that with my son, and when I do it, he knows I mean business. And he's also 5.

Best wishes.

You got some good advice (the couple I've read) My 2 cents, I watched Super nanny one day where a mom grabbed her son's face too, like you described... not hard at all just to turn his face. Super nanny was sayin that it makes them feel hurt and disrespected, maybe that's why he screams to make you feel hurt or something. He's very clever, even if it is for evil in this case haha. I would work on that grabbing... maybe be like I need your eyes and your ears, I think I read that on another post a while back, but it worked on my little girl. Would it be weird for you to have a traveling (foldale) booster seat as a time out when you are somewhere else? Let him know you have it and maybe you won't ever have to use it. I have a booster seat that is the fisherprice foldable one (green seat I believe), it has a detachable play top but you can take it off.

One trick we use is to first warn them that they are going to go to the car. If that doesn't work we flick them on the back of the ear or grab their shoulder and tell them to stop their behavior and change. If that doesn't work we leave the store and when we get into the car make a huge deal about their behavior and how mommy had something way cool planned, like going out for ice cream, and well they missed out. I then go home and they get their discipline and miss out on everything. My thoughts are, errands, besides appointments, are just errands and can be done on any day and if the kids act up, then we'll just go home and I will deal with them. You'll get a lot more respect from public that way, and your kids will end up behaving a lot better.
If it is only one misbehaving then get the other kids something special, but still leave, they'll deal with their brother on misbehaving in public.

I forgot: One big thing I do is instead of grab my kids, I tell them to come to me, then I tell them to look into my eyes. I tell them that if they are not looking in my eyes, I know they are not listening. I will not talk with them unless they are looking in my eyes.

I know it is hard not to react to your child when they are not listening but it sounds like he is testing the waters to see how far he can go. Instead of grabing him to make him listen just tell him to look at you and remind him that this is warning if he does it again there will be consequences. Then follow through with whatever told him would be his punishment. Good luck, it is tough being a parent and we just have to teach our children the bad from the good.

I just read the other answers and I agree with them. You don't say how old your boy is. This sounds to me like a terrific way to get a rise out of mom - and look at the attention it gets from everybody else! What a feeling of power.

It is essential to keep your cool - both when he is putting on this behavior and the rest of the time. You want to refuse to respond the way he expects you to - to make this act such a bore for him that eventually he'll stop playing the game.