My Boyfriends Kids Pick on My Son. Should I Get Involved?

Updated on July 02, 2011
A.B. asks from Dunn Loring, VA
35 answers

Hi everyone. I am new to the forum and had an issue that I wanted to bounce off everyone because I am having a hard time dealing with it. I have a son who is 9. When I get together with my boyfriend of 3 years and his two kids, who are 13 and 9, the 13 year old constantly nit-picks my son and the sibling joins in. He makes fun of everything about him - his clothes, his hat, that he has an ipod, what color the ipod is, that he is trying to look like a gangster, the way hes eats, tell him he's "almost cool" etc. etc. It really bothers me. My bf thinks I'm letting it get to me too much and that I should just ignore it and let itself work out. I tell him try being on the other side of the fence. My son won't be mean, because it's not his nature. His coping mechanism is to act silly to make them make fun of him more because he knows it won't stop and he doesn't know what else to do.

Any advice? These kids might end up being stepkids, but not if they treat my son the way they do. He can find plenty of kids to pick on him outside of close relationships. Why would he want to put up with it in what is supposed to be a close relationship?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers



answers from Phoenix on

Seriously? You really have to ask this question?

I definitely wouldn't be with anyone who allowed their kids to mistreat mine, period, I don't care who you are. If you can't teach your kids some respect, then you're all getting kicked to the curb.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Just ask yourself this: 5 or 10 years from now, will your son say "my mom loved me and chose me" or "my mom chose her boyfriend over me."

In no uncertain terms, defend your son. And by defend, I don't mean have a nice conversation or discuss things or sit down over tea and share your feelings. I mean, look your son in the eye and say "you are my flesh and blood and are more important to me than anyone in the world. You are loved". Then tell your boyfriend when his sons are grown and out of the house, and living in another country, to call you for a date.

Don't be wishy-washy. Don't just stop seeing your boyfriend. Don't just hope that by not talking about it your son will forget about it. Teach him NOW, using clear words, the importance of family, of sticking together, of loyalty.

I think it might be different if your son were 20, or at college. But he's 9. Stand up and be his mom.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

He is your son. If you don't stand up for him who will????

It is long past the time you should have had the talk with your boyfriend. Put downs are NEVER acceptable. It stops now or I never want to see you again.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Your boyfriend won't stop his children from bullying someone smaller and more timid than them? He's telling you that you're over-reacting? Honey, you need to dump the creep. This is only the beginning and if you marry this creep you're also marrying his creep children and will make your son's life miserable.

You have the chance now to get away easily and without consequence for yourself, but most importantly for your son. He should never be around people like that. Please don't choose this pig of a man over your child. Dump him now while you can.

EDIT: You've been with this creep and his creep kids for THREE YEARS? That means you've been allowing your child to go through this for far too long already and it's not going to stop. Stop choosing this other family over your own child. If you're engaged give the ring back TODAY and if you live there, pack up your stuff TODAY and move out this weekend. Your son shouldn't be there for another minute. This sort of situation will only escalate and get worse. I feel horrible for your son.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I wouldn't be dating someone who let his own children treat mine that way.

And I am not just saying that. I really wouldn't. No man is worth making my child feel bad.

Talk to your man. He needs to step up. If he won't and you absolutely cannot live without this man, then you need to protect your son. So, yes, get involved.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Biloxi on

If your boyfriend is not teaching his sons how to behave and how to treat others - then move one.

Would you really want to marry someone who has so little respect for your son????

Your son is at the mercy of your relationships.
You are not protecting him.
Your boyfriend is not respecting you.
Your boyfriend is not respecting your son.

Imagine the damage that could be done to your son should marry this man and he continues to let his children be bullies.

If you have to date and involve your son in your relationships then find a man who will treat your son with respect and dignity.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I am a bit suprised by your question. You have been seeing your bf for 3 years and you are waiting for it to work itself out?? I feel badly for your son! I would definitely intervene AND set some ground rules for EVERYONE to follow when they get together as a group----NO name calling, picking on, bullying, swearing whatever you want to say. Be a united front with bf because then the kids will respect you both more. Please talk with your bf and get him on board before you do this. Then make sure he knows just how serious you are. If my son was getting picked on, I would make sure it never happened again OR I would leave the relationship. Think about it and hopefully you will get some good advice from the other mamas.


6 moms found this helpful


answers from Provo on

OMG is your boyfriend is not willing to accept responsibility for his kids?! Well, let me tell you, I tried a mixed family and it is hard work. If you are not married and he is treating you and your son like this then you don't need them around. It will only get worse. No one should be bullied. It will not work itself out. If your boyfriend does not want to be a parent and stop this then he is not worthy of being around. You don't want this kind of parent for the family. If it is not good before you are married then it won't be good after.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Rockford on

You have been seeing him for 3 years - exactly how long does your boyfriend think this will take to work itself out??? I would have a one on one talk with him and give him ONE chance to show you that he is going to respec you and your son as people. If the kids go after your son and the boyfriend does nothing about it, leave. Tell him you will not allow your son to be treated in that manner any more, and you will not allow yourself to be treated that way either. He is disrespecting you as well as your child by not speaking up and teaching his kids how to behave. I can only imagine how your poor son feels. He must feel pretty helpless that no one speaks up for him, and he is uncomfortable doing it himself. He is putting up with this for YOU because he knows you want to be with this man. He is a real sweetheart for not acting out over this. You owe it to HIM to do the right thing for him in return. Speak up M., now, before it gets worse and before you even consider making this a legal family.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I think he (boyfriend) needs to be dicsiplining his kids for acting in this horrible way.
You do need to get involved. I would say if it doesn't stop- don't see your boyfriend when he has his kids. Simple as that. Your son comes first. You need to protect him.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Sacramento on

I think that if I was in your situation, and my boyfriend felt that way about what was going on, I would kick him to the curb. While I can understand where he is coming from (kinda) because siblings have that kind of banter amongst themselves, he is not their sibling, and THEY are ganging up on HIM. Just another reason why you shouldn't date until your kids are grown and out of the house. There are just too many complexities in relationships where there are children involved, and your first priority needs to be to your son. Not to your boyfriend, and his first priority should be his kids, not you.

In my opinion......

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Please don't marry the jerk if he does not stand up for your son. How does he expect it to work itself out? There will always be two of them against one and one will always be older than your son. That is no way for a kid to have to live in his own home.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

For me the relationship would be over - yesterday.

I wouldn't waste any more time on a scenario which isn't working for my kid.

He's your priority (I give you lots of credit for being bothered by this). Stay in that zone. It's not being overprotective - it's being smart and realistic. Not to mention loving.

Furthermore, it would be hard for me to be nice to bf's kids when they behave that way. That's not good for them either.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

If your boyfriend won't stop it, then you should. If he gets upset about that, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore! Bullying is NEVER okay. Your son is only 9 years old. He is a child. You are his mother. It is your job to protect and advocate for your child!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You can't change your boyfriend, so unless you want this to go on forever, tell your boyfriend he needs to be an adult and teach his boys how to behave or you're going to leave.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

You need to voice to those children that their behavior is not okay and will not be accepted in your household. You need to do this in front of your boyfriend - so as to include him in what the expectations are.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Lansing on

I definitely feel you have the right to be concerned. And I think your BF is wrong to ignore the problem and let it work itself out. I think it'd be a deal breaker for me if my boyfriend wasn't willing to work on this issue with me.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

After three years, I would say the writing is on the wall. Your boyfriend should have already stepped up and made some house rules about how "we respect each other in this house". Say goodbye and put your son first, there's a man out there for you that will be a good husband and step-father.

Blended families are very tough, especially when teens are involved.


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

He wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore if it didn't stop when I said it should stop. This is probably eating away at your son inside and he needs you to step in and either stop it or get him out of the situation.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Lancaster on

It's your job as his mother to protect him. Even from your OWN family, let alone a boyfriend's children who are not yet your family! He isn't 20. He's 9!

I would have a serious talking to with the boyfriend. I would tell him that what his children are doing is entirely inappropriate and unacceptable and that it needs to STOP. Your BOYFRIEND needs to control his children. Bullying is never okay, it's never a situation you "let work itself out". It needs STOPPED.

Tell your boyfriend that if he WON'T talk to his children about stopping, then you will only be able to see him without his children. Let him know you do NOT desire that outcome, but that your child comes first.

My two cents!

Oh, and welcome to mamapedia!!! :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

I would protect MY son.

DO NOT LET YOUR SON, get bullied and teased.
That is teaching him nothing good.
That is teaching him... that he is 'worthless' and that he does not count and he will either get angry, have behavioral issues or run away from home, or become very timid and inward and not close to you.

He NEEDS you.. .to look out for HIM.
He is just a kid.

DO NOT listen to your Boyfriend.
If I had a boyfriend that did that to my son and said those things and allowed his kids to pick on my kid... I would dump him.
Because, he is NOT caring, about me or my kid.

Your kid comes first.

Your son is reacting that way... because otherwise, he as a child, 'fears' not being liked or loved. He is thus, PRETENDING to not be bothered by it... so that he fits in. Even if that means, he is the butt-end of all the jokes and gets picked on.

Why let that happen to your son?
It is not healthy. Mentally or emotionally.
The way they treat him, will not end. Nor when/if you get married.
Your son's life... will be this way.
It is sad.
They are sadistic.
It is plain MEAN.
Protect, your son.
Why let your son, have this kind of life?
It is not respectful nor caring. At all.
I feel so sorry, for your son.
This is not what life is, nor should be for a child... at home.

I personally would not marry a man like that, nor with kids like that, nor with a Man that allows his kids... to do that.
You still have a choice.
Your son does not. If you marry this man.

Why, allow your Boyfriend to decide what is best for your son? He is not showing he cares about your son's well being. At all.
You are the parent of your son.
Not your Boyfriend.

WHY on earth, should your son, be SUBMERGED... in this toxic dynamic?
It is not his fault.
He is so young.
The others are really damaging him.
Why would any Mom, want that for their child? It is a choice.

They, Your boyfriend and his kids, will NOT change.
They will not change.
They will not change.
But you can change the life for your son, and who his 'family' is.

This is not worth it.
Your Boyfriend/his kids, are really dysfunctional ya know.

It is INSTINCT in a Mom to STEP in and protect her child. Even if that means, DUMPING the Boyfriend and NOT marrying him.

There is no decision.
There is choice.
To do the right thing, for your son and you.
How he is treated, will determine what kind of "man" your son becomes. And if this continues... he will be stuck in a vicious cycle... of being treated this way and of maybe becoming like that TOO... to his Girlfriend and kids.
This is a no brainer.

I WOULD NOT WASTE MY TIME, anymore with him and his kids.
This has been going on for THREE years already!
What kind of hell, is that for a child since he was 6 years old?
NOTHING has changed.
They will not change.
They need to find another woman/child to be their Door-Mat.
Not your son or you.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I would talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. And what has been going on. Their behavior isnt acceptable and needs to be taken care of.

If your boyfriend doesnt address it after you two talk, then next time and every time I saw anything unreasonably mean then I would say something. At first I would be like hey, hey that isnt nice, lets all try to get along. But if it kept going then I would be firm and tell his son that it wont be tolerated, and then I would call a family meeting.

Married or not, you have been with this man for 3 years, I think you have some say in what goes on with the kids. Yours or not.

You cant just sit around and have your son be picked on, it isnt fair and you need to say something.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Sioux City on

I have to agree 100% with Mrs. Robinson!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

It's hard to be told "dump the creep", I mean if you didn't love him, you wouldn't have stayed with him for 3 years. On the other hand it is very disrespectful for him to not discipline his own children. If it was me, I would take matters into my own hands. His 13 and 9 year old wanna act big and tough on my kids? uh-uh. Everytime they do something to your son, put them to work. They are too old to be put in time out, I'm saying, mow the lawn, clean out the garage etc. Say if you don't have anything better to do than pick on my son, then I think I'll give you something to do. If they pull the "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM,...YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO". You say "No, I'm not your mom, but this is my house, and you will do as I ask while you are under my roof and my supervision" any more trouble call your bf, tell him whats happening, no better yet, tell him to come pick up HIS kids or ask where you can drop them off, even if he is at work.

Don't make this YOUR problem make it HIS, since they are in fact HIS kids. Once he realizes that them mistreating your son falls on his shoulders I think he will be more proactive about keeping them in line. Now if he tries to say "you're over reacting blah blah blah" when you call to tell him to get his kids, DON'T LISTEN, he is trying to change the subject so that he doesn't have to deal with the situation. EDIT: Keep repeating yourself until he realizes that you are serious, and that you will be dropping the kids off at his work if he does not provide somewhere for you to leave them, or if he does not come pick them up himself. Ignore his trying to change the subject. Again, this is not being mean, rude, or whatever you want to call it, he is hurting your feelings and your sons, so you HAVE TO stick up for yourselves. Otherwise don't ever complain about it again.

Now if he is there at the house with all of this do the same thing. Put them to work, and he will HATE it, he will HATE that you are discipling his kids, but simply tell him that if he isn't going to, then you will. Take the control back. He might end up taking his kids and going somewhere else, just for a few hours, but when he comes back be just as firm.

I don't think this is mean or manipulative or anything, he has dumped the responsibility on you and all your doing is dumping it back where it belongs and at the same time sticking up for yourself. If he doesn't handle the situation and it gets worse, then I think a separation is in order. IMO Good luck, and be strong

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I would most definitely get involved. By taking my kid far, far away from that situation. Your boyfriend sees or knows how his kids pick on your son, and he refuses to address it. I wouldn't consider making him my son's step parent, sorry. Sounds like his kids are pretty comfortable in the bullying roles, doing and saying whatever they want because they know dad prefers not to get involved. I'm sorry your BF isn't very concerned. I would be.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Providence on

Hasta la vista..If your bf thinks that way, and it really bothers you that much, I would really think about the future .I know that kids will be kids, and children in general can be mean at times. However, we aren't talking about kids at school or in playgroups. These are potentially stepsiblings. It could be disastrous for your son to be living with these kids day in and day out. Especially if the bullying doesn't stop..Or it progresses into something much worse.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

Tell boyfriend to make his kids stop. They are being cruel, mean and bullying your son. If boyfriend isnt handy when you hear some of this garbage you can tell them to knock it off and leave your son alone. Being mean is never nice and you dont need to put up with it. Tell them if someone else talked to them this way youd stand up for them too. If this has been going on for 3 years, then you might want to rethink your choice in boyfriend. If you find a time to talk to the 13yr old alone you might mention to him that you and his dad are trying to build a family and your son will be his brother some day. Ask him if thats the way he would want someone else to treat his brother? You cant fight all your sons battles but this isnt right to let someone tease when they should be the best buds, and protecting him instead. Welcome to the forum,,Hope you enjoy it here.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

The boyfriend should say something, most definitely.

You should not say anything because then the kids will just make fun of mommy having to help him. If the dad says something, they will probably know he is being serious and it is not funny. Talk to your boyfriend about it. It is serious and it is not funny.

Maybe the 13 year old feels threatened by you and your kid? Again, your boyfriend really needs to talk to him.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

IT is bullying behavior and you need to be your son's advocate. If the boyfriend thinks it is fine and the kids think it is fine and you allow it- your son is getting the message that it is fine and something is wrong with him.
Don't be that mom. Be the hero. Leave this man and these mean kids- take a stand for your son. Your son sounds like a sweetheart. It is not ok. It isn't ok for strangers to do it and its worse to have your moms boyfriend and or his sons do it. Then you feel like no one is on your side (your son.)
There is nothing more powerful that you could do than to separate from this... to show your son he is more important than a guy and his bully sons. If your son ever encounters these types again, when he is NOT with you- he will know it is wrong and know you will be on his side.

you and your son should go through counseling to un-do any of this behavior that already has left a mark...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Ask your son how he feels about it. "It seems to me that _____ make fun of you. Do you think they do? How do you feel about that? Does it bother you?" Then see what he says. If it does bother him, ask him if he wants you to say something to them. If so, tell them calmly that you don't want them picking on him so much.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

maybe its a diference in parenting a lot of guys seem to have that stance in regards to bullying...if so its better to know how diferent your parenting styles are now rather than later...have a serious talk and let him know how much it bothers you...if he doesnt care than thats the issue worth ending things over not the actual parenting long as hes willing to listen its worth it

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would step in and tell your BFs son to straighten up and fly right...he's not treating your son the way he wants to be treated - is he? if HE wants people to say stuff like this to him - fine...but you are NOT saying it AROUND ME AND MY SON!

If you BF doesn't like it and won't stand with you - dump him...he's only encouraging his son's (all his kids) behavior but not stepping up and telling them to cut it out.

I wouldn't marry this man. NOT ONLY NO BUT HELL NO!!!! He has no respect for you NOR your son.... drop him like a hot potato NOW!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Syracuse on

youv'e got one child--he should be your priority...dump the boyfriend---at some ponit it will be over and meanwhile your son will be suffering needlessly.......this is a nightmare wqaiting to happen!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Your son is your priority right now. Would you allow anyone else to treat him this way? If this were happening at school you would be furious and doing everything you could to stop this behavior. It sounds like you are putting your own needs before your sons.



answers from Orlando on

Let your boyfriend read these answers...

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions