My Almost 5 Won't Sleep in Her Own bed-Help!

I had a similar problem with my oldest daughter who is now 5. I just finally told her one day when she was 2 1/2 that she would be sleeping in her own room and that I'd give her a lamp and music. The first time out of her bed she loses her music and the second time she loses her lamp and has to sleep in the dark. Worked like a charm. You could also get her a special new blanket.
You just have to make a rule and stick with it. She's old enough to listen and do what she's told.
Good luck,
J.
Mom to 4 and soon one more through another adoption.

I am a HUGE fan of the book The Sleep Fairy. It is a story about two girls that wouldn't go to bed, stay in bed, etc. So, their frustrated parents told them about the sleep fairy that comes to the beds of all good children when the go to sleep in their beds, don't cry or ask for additional hugs or drinks, etc. When the sleep fairy comes, she leaves a little trinket under the "good" child's pillow. After one week with this book, my (then) 4 and 5 year old girls -- and my 6 year old son -- were WONDERFUL sleepers. To this day, we use the trick intermittently to reinforce the behaviors we want to see at bedtime.

Good luck.

Sorry I don't really have any great ideas, but here are some general ideas and some that may be unrealistic for your family. You could try to give her a doll or a large fluffy stuffed animal for her to sleep with, so she doesn't feel so alone. You could also try to sleep with her in her bed for a couple of nights until she falls asleep. This may get her comfortable with being alone and sleeping in her own bed. You could also try slowly moving her out of your bed by making her a bed on the floor beside your bed and slowly moving it further and further away. Also, my friend's child who would not sleep alone got her child a small puppy so she had to sleep in her bed to have the puppy with her...thus the part that may be unrealistic for your family....you could also try a cat they are easier to take care of in my opinion. Sorry about the lack of advice, hopefully some of the other moms will have advice.

C. as exhausting as it is (from the same experience) just stick to your guns. If it takes a thousand times a night for a week, do not at anytime give in. Put her in her bed, if she gets up walk her back to her bed, if she gets in your bed get up take her back to her bed and continue to do it until she know that in no way shape or form will she win. It took us three nights. This is what we did as suggested by my very wise Auntie. She said do not at any time try to bribe promise or plead. Just tell her it is what it is and don't give in. Boy she was right! Our experience went like this......
The first night was hysteria..screaming, begging, pleading (from her), we heard.. I am scared, my tummy hurts, you dont like me etc., second night was less hysteria she did fall asleep on the floor next to her bed because she said she would not sleep there and we said this is your room you sleep in it and she did, just not on the bed (stubborn) we did have to take her back to her room twice that night. Third night there was a little tears pleading once or twice and one trip to our room but we again took her right back. Fourth night was BLISS! In the following months we ran into the occasional problem or she would come to our room and we again would just take her back.

Just so you know we did end up with an "accident" (a blessed and good one of course). It must of been all of that new found freedom in OUR bed!

Good Luck!

We have three children. I was lucky with the first one. He actually used to wake up in the morning and ask permission to get out of bed. My other two are almost 4 and 2. They usually sleep all night in their bed, but occasionally they will wonder up in the middle of the night. When this happens we used to let them climb in with us, but for the last few months we just leave a pillow and blanket on the floor next to our bed and if they want to be by us that's where they will sleep. Now they don't even wake us they just find the pillow on the floor and lay down and go back to sleep. Hope that helps.

When my daughter would come into our bedroom, we started with a mat and sleeping bag for her to sleep in. After we did that for awhile, we (on my pediatritions advise) put a piece of masking tape by our door and she could NOT cross it. After 1 night of lying in the hallway she stayed in her own bed!

We faced this issue with our son -- until he was almost seven years old, no less, but, like you, didn't want to shame him or ridicule his insecurity. We handled it by putting a sleeping bag and pillow on the floor next to my side of the bed. When he felt he needed to be near us, he could slip into his sleeping bag and spend the rest of the night in our room without making our bed overcrowded. It worked great -- sometimes he needed to hold hands for a while (when he was younger), but just being close to us seemed to satisfy whatever fears or needs he had. The sleeping bag was just part of the room decor, and it stayed there for about four years! He eventually came in less and less frequently, until finally the bag was quietly put back on the basement storage shelf and he began sleeping full time in his own bed. My son is now 16, very well adjusted and, as you already know yourself, is in no mood to snuggle with his parents -- ever, although he does come in every night before going to sleep to give me a big, warm hug. Good luck! --gretchen w.

C.,

I would start by sitting down with your daughter during the daytime and talking to her. Tell her it is time to come up with a plan together for her to sleep in her own bed. She is old enough to convey her feelings. Try to find out why she does it. Is she scared to be alone? Is she in need of a security item (stuffed animal, nightlight, etc.) Is the monster from the scary TV show in the closet? Does she need more daytime mommy one on one without baby brother? Does she need a more established and consistant bedtime routine?

Step 2 is to tell her that you will work with her to make this a comfortable transition, but she is no longer sleeping in your bed. (Do NOT say this until you are ready to fight the battle. If you say it, then give in to her demands at 2 am just to get some peace when she has been fighting you for several hours, you will have to start over and she will be that much more determined to force her way into your bed because she knows you will cave in.

Step 3 is the plan. This will depend on your child. You may need to sit in the corner of her bedroom reading for a week while she falls asleep. You may need to lay down in her bed with her for a few nights. You may need soft music and some lights. Get her input. What does she need? Follow through.

Step 4 is the reward. Have some sort of a reward system for staying in bed. You can start with a reward just for staying in bed all night, then move to staying all night without a fight. Again, get her input. 1 star means a piece of gum. 5 stars means she picks dinner. 10 starts means a movie night. 20 stars means Pump It Up. What does she like? *** It is very important that she doesn't get a choice of mom's bed or reward. It's just reward for working towards a goal, not a choice. ***

Step 5 is the consequence. She needs to know what will happen if she comes in your room. You will put her back in her bed. It's not the time to discuss rewards, just walk her back in and tell her to stay there. You may need to get firm and lock your bedroom door or hers so she can't get in your room. Make sure she knows this beforehand when you are making a plan so there aren't any surprises. (If you have to lock her door, use a baby door knob cover or take the doorknob off and flip it around so it locks from the outside.)

This all needs to happen in one day, so get ready ahead of time. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. You can't undermine each other on this one. It will get worse before it gets better. Prepare for a month before she gets over it. It may not take that long. Stand firm and do not give in.

Good luck,
S.

Hi C.
Have you asked your daughter why she doesn't want to sleep in her bed. Do her and her brother share a room. If so maybe he wakes her up or she feels put out because she has to share. We went throught this with our son. He did not like the bedroom he was in it scared him. so thankfuly we were able to switch is and his sisters bedrooms and he started sleeping in his own bed every night. With our daughter we justed laid a blanket down on the floor by the bed and told her if she was going to sleep in our room that was her spot. she did for a couple nights then her back got sore so she moved back to her own room. Good Luck :) T.

We've had this problem a few times with our oldest, although not for a while, thank goodness! He is also incredibly smart so we decided to give him some freedom and let him choose where he sleeps IN HIS ROOM (on his bed or on the floor), what special stuffed animal he slept with, what bedtime story he got, and what pretty (calm) music to listen to. If he put up a fight he would start losing some of those bedtime privileges.
We also still use a bedtime chart from Brite Music that keeps track of how many nights in a row he stays in bed. If he gets out, it goes back to zero. If he gets 7 in a row (he usually does) he gets a dollar.
This whole process has been an excellent learning experience in choice and consequence, and the value of money (it's slow to come by and worth saving if you want to buy something good).

Set up a "bed" (a blanket and pillow) on the floor next to your bed. When your child comes in during the middle of the night, tell her she can sleep in your room, but on the floor. It may take a couple of weeks, but she will soon realize that her own comfy bed is more appealing than the floor! The key is not to make the floor bed too comfortable. I had one friend who did this, but they actually put a mattress on the floor next to their bed. Wrong! Good Luck!!

I totally agree with Tara. You just need to let her know that she is to sleep in her bed and that is it. It will be hard. There will be tears but it will work.

Also when you are repeatedly putting her back in her bed for the first couple nights don't try to reason with her. Just put her in her bed and leave. Talking about it will only give her a sense of power and prolong the struggle. This is one of those times when "Because I am the mom and I said so" is all the reason she needs to be given.

Good luck

Hi C.,
I suffered like you for a very long time. We did get our son out of our bed and on to the floor. Our pediatrition suggested this. I made up a bed for him.
When having trouble going to sleep having something to listen to also helps. Music or a book on tape. This takes the mind off thoughts and on to what is listened to. This allows relaxation and often sleep.
Good luck.

My daughter was the same way and I've heard of other parent's having the same problem, so don't beat yourself up about it. I was lax about getting up and putting her back in her room when she would come in by me, so I brought a lot of it on myself. However, I just sick of getting kicked in the head at night. So I took several mornings off of work in preparation and said, Elizabeth, you are a big girl and you will sleep in your own bed. Mommy's room is off limits. You do not set foot in my room unless you are sick and need me and in that case, you knock on my door until I wake up. Also, she wasn't allowed in my room during the day. It sounds cruel and I'm sure a lot of mother's will say I'm being selfish and setting a bad example. HOWEVER...I get a decent night's rest and more importantly - so does my daughter. She has needed me once in teh past 2 1/2 years and I heard her knocking and all was well after that. You just need to get tough with her.

Try a first step of sleeping with her in her bed.

We had a similar issue. We simply put a sleeping bag on the floor and told her that if she came into our room she had to sleep on the floor in her sleeping bag. After two nights of being uncomfortable, she decided to try out her own bed and stayed there. We bought her a new nightlight as a reward after staying in her room for 10 nights. Good luck.

Hey there-
This worked for a friend of mine with the same problem. They made a big deal of their little girl's room. They cleaned it up and rearranged her bed and toys. They had her helping and then they put her in her bed that night. She didn't want to go, so they said, "OK, you can sleep with us, but in the morning, we are going to take your bed out of your room and put it in the garage. Since you aren't going to use it anyway." Of course, she didn't really think they'd do it. The next morning they took her bed apart and put her stuff in boxes and stored them in the garage. By the end of the day, she was wanting her bed back and she started sleeping in it again. I think it worked so well because there was no discussion. Their daughter is used to having lots of dialogue about every issue and on this one, they stated their position and moved forward while refusing to discuss it. It's a lot of furniture moving, but if it works, it's worth it. And if it doesn't, you can reclaim her room as your new office/den/meditation chamber/laundry area...or maybe you could sleep in it yourself.

:)

Good luck!
R

You need to start with a solid routine. My kids never did this but I do only allow them in our bed if they have a nightmare or dad is out of town. It's a treat type thing.

You need mention the root of it... is she scared, jealous, cold or talk about why baby has to be in bed to nurse etc. Or the fact that sleep in their own bed so that they are not kicking you in their sleep.

Then come up with a solution based on that. I.e. Nightlight, Maybe tell her that she can pick out a pair of character sheets that will protect her, do you need to vac monsters up from under the bed, does she just a bedtime routine that is just hers( like reading with a flashlight in her bed) is she cold need another blanket

Tell her she needs to practice for when she is a big girl. It will take some time but in the end it will be worth a few times tucking her in bed rather than sleepless nights until may. Who is to say she won't balk in May. And place her in her own bed.

Good Luck
H.

We had this same problem with my oldest, who is now 16 and definitely sleeping in her own bed. We put a sleeping bag on the floor to transition her from our bed to her own bed. Eventually, it wasn't worth her sleeping on the floor. You could do this as a way to transition her to sleeping in her own bed! Good luck

If she's mature and smart, as you say, teaching her to negotiate for what she wants would be great for all of you. She wants something. She offers something substantial in exchange for it. You can accept or refuse, or make a counter offer. Once you agree, be sure to keep your end of the bargain, and expect her to do that too. So what would you be willing to do for her if she sleeps in her own bed? It has to be something big enough to get her attention, but it also has to be something that you can feel good about. See more info about this in Barry Neil Kaufman's book, "To Love Is To Be Happy With." It really works!

Our three year old sleeps with us every night and it's our very favorite part of the day. I know the day will come when she will no longer want to do this, so I am cherishing it while I can. As for intimacy, my husband and I have gotten creative and found other fun places in the house to have a little fun while she's sleeping. Sometimes she and I do sleep in her bed as well, just to remind her that she has her own bed whenever she would like to use it and she is starting to go in and "practice" sleeping in her bed.

My daughter kaitlyn was the same as your's. And like you said you didn't have to worry about any romance since your little one was in bed with you. I went out and bought those pull-out couch's and put that on my side of the bed. She slept on that for about a month and then i put it in her room and she slept on that in her room and then finally she wanted to be a big girl like her big sister and she she went to sleep in her own bed. And what a relief!! It takes time but do it now!!

C.,

My ELEVEN year old sleeps with me every night. Good Luck. Put a lock on your door. Make it FUN for her to sleep in her room. re decorate it. like i said, Good Luck.